My Adult Children Obtained a Stepmother and Soon Father Divorced Stepmother.

Updated on June 17, 2019
P.L. asks from Chaska, MN
15 answers

stepmother was never active in adult childrens lives, but now, divorced, want to be involved in everything. Mother is angry

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

is there a question?

maybe 'mother' should butt out and let her adult children decide for themselves how to handle their family relationships.

khairete
S.

7 moms found this helpful

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Adult children include her or not. It's their decision. You decide about only your involvement. If that isn't your question, add more info.

Edited to add another thought. Perhaps you're hurt/angry that your adult children include her in their lives. If so, i suggest that you accept/respect their decision. They still love you. However, if you try to interfere with their decision, they will be angry and spend less time with you.

6 moms found this helpful
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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

These are all adults so although I'm not sure what your question is, it doesn't matter. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

6 moms found this helpful

T.D.

answers from New York on

And what is the question??
If everyone is an adult then move on.

6 moms found this helpful

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

P.

Welcome to mamapedia.

You post is very vague. How long was this W. involved in their lives? Why does she feel entitled to be involved in everything in their lives now?

Mother is YOU? or who?? WHO is angry?

If you could give more information, that would be great!

6 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

It doesn't sound like anything that a restraining order can't fix.
Adults can decide for themselves with whom to associate.

I can't think why ex step mom would want to be involved now except to maybe try to exert some control over a situation where she has none but the fact remains - she has none.

If 'father' continues to bring unstable people into your lives then perhaps a restraining order against him would be a more permanent fix.
While I understand your anger with your adult kids/families having to deal with this - he's an ex for a good reason - celebrate your divorce date.

5 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

Huh? I'm sorry, what is the question here?

WHO is mad?
how did they "obtain" a step-mother? I don't understand that.

I guess I need more information and an actual QUESTION to answer

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E.B.

answers from Denver on

There's a lot of room in the word "involved". Do you mean she wants to participate - as a guest - in meaningful events, like weddings, graduations, birthdays? She wants to come to special occasions, bring a gift, and be welcomed? Or do you mean involved, as in she's planning to host the next baby shower or birthday with no input from anyone else, and she's inviting her friends but not your close family members?

And how do your adult children feel?

My in-laws divorced after 35 years of marriage, and it was an ugly divorce. My father-in-law married a woman several years later, and although my husband was sad to see his parents in such a fight, he (and all his family) realized that his new stepmother was a wonderful caring woman. She was an awesome step-grandma to our kids.

If this ex-stepmother loves your kids and is kind to them, then the bitterness that you're feeling will only hurt you, not everyone else. If your adult kids want her in their lives, you can either be kind to her and enjoy being a part of your kids' lives, or go seethe in private, alone and angry.

If your kids don't want her to be planning family events, then you can demonstrate kindness to her, while being bold enough to politely say something like "thank you, but I'll be having the birthday party at my home, and the plans are already firm". Support your kids but do it in a way that makes it clear that you are a decent human being. Maybe this woman is lonely.

4 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

What is your question?

4 moms found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

I wouldn't worry about it. Your kids are adults...they can figure this out on their own. You can ignore it and just live your life.

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M.C.

answers from Chicago on

If she was never involved, but now wants to be, then it sounds like she has some ulterior motive. You can talk to your kids about it and perhaps figure out why or give them a heads up. In the end, though, the kids are adults so they can associate with whom they please. If she's up to no good, they will soon figure it out. If she wants to have a relationship with them for some reason, and the kids agree, you can't really stop it.

4 moms found this helpful
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Z.B.

answers from Toledo on

I’m wondering, are you the mother or the stepmother?

4 moms found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from Portland on

This is written in kind of a funny way, but I'm taking it to mean you're annoyed at your ex's ex's behavior? That she's wanting to be involved in your grown (adult) children's lives?

Perhaps she was more involved than you realized before and she's simply wishing to remain in contact. Maybe she feels she ought to? I think most people would feel that's the 'right' thing to do in that situation. Perhaps she would feel she'd be judged harshly if she didn't.

Who knows? How do your grown adult children feel about it? Really, it's their choice at this point.

I'm not sure why this concerns you that much since they are adults. I get you're their mother, and emotions come into play .. however, she's probably (benefit of doubt) just trying to be friendly/kind and not creepy.

If your kids feel she's trying to push her way in or get back at their dad in some way .. I'm sure they can tell her to bugger off (or worst comes to worst) their father could say something. It's really not your place. You have no involvement with her.

As others mentioned it would be more helpful in future, if you asked a specific question. Not sure if I've answered what you were really getting at :) I just assumed.

4 moms found this helpful
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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

She wants to be involved in everything? Well, that's really up to them and not her. If she is interested in being friends with them and they are ok with that, that's one thing. But if she is, in some way, pressuring you into inviting her to everything, that's another story altogether.

I think you have to try to approach this like any other person in your life. If you want them to be a part of your life, you welcome them. If this is not someone you are interested in socializing with, you distance yourself.

I'm not sure what the problem is. Is it that your adult children are annoyed by her and asked for your help? Is this woman trying to push her way into your life? Are you upset that your adult children like spending time with her?

4 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

You've given us no details so it's hard to respond. If you're hoping people will jump to your defense so you can show the answers to your children, I think you'll be disappointed.

Your children are adults. Your parenting is done. If they don't appreciate you as a parent, that's on you. On the other hand, if you've raised them to be open and welcoming to new people and to embrace them, that's a good thing. And you should be confident that you have done a good job. Which means a stepmother - even for a brief period of time in legal connection to your children - is no threat to you.

I would be happy to have more people in my family to love my child, who is an adult. There's not just a finite amount of love to go around. It's not pie. You had more than one child - did that diminish the amount of love you had for each one? Of course not. So having more than one parental figure in your children's lives should not diminish their love for you.

Now, if the ex-stepmother is horning in and trying to run family events or get her hands on the good silver, that's something else again. If she's harassing them, there are legal remedies. But it doesn't sound like that's the problem. If she wants to be escorted in to one of your children's weddings instead of you, that's wrong. If she's telling them how to raise their children, it's up to them to speak up and tell her to butt out - which is what they should do if you or their father bosses them around too much. If they're including her to hurt their father, then that's a problem - but it's between the kids and their dad.

The anger will eat you up. If you are jealous, that's your insecurity and not her fault. Let it go.

4 moms found this helpful
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