My 9 Year Old Daughter Gets up in the Middle of the Night Scared

What a difficult situation for all of you. I don't know if I can help, but I'll share what I've been thinking. Comfort, validation, setting limits, discussion, empowerment and finally reinforcement of her success in overcoming her fear. Your daughter is old enough for a fairly mature approach. Some folks have family meeting or council, I never did it that formally, but a conversation involving parents and child are in order. Fear is unreasonable, that is a fact. You can't tell someone not to be afraid. She will have to come to grips with it in her own way with your help. It is a serious problem because of the disruption it causes to everyone, and surely is serious to her. Giving validity to her fear might be all that she needs. The comfort you are giving your daughter is the right way to go, but the way you are giving it can't be sustained. People need good sleep in order to stay healthy and do their work and parents sleep together, the end. I think if you three get together and daddy takes charge of the situation explaining that his main concern is for the safety of the family and is able to tell a bit about how he accomplishes that with real safety precautions against real and known dangers, that might reinstate him as the safeguard for your daughter. She may be struggling with the responsibility of growing up that first-born girls take so seriously. She may be longing for the babying that her little sister gets, knowing as you said that her baby sister will move on and out. Just the advent of change in routine can be upsetting. Explain that the sleeping arrangements cannot be changed, that it is off limits. Ask her what she thinks will help her. Maybe a new stuffed animal. Maybe setting glasses of grape juice around her room like the girl in the commercial who says "don't worry daddy the antioxidants will protect me", would make her laugh at her fear. Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendack deals with this sort of thing in story form. Night fright is the topic of a number of books for young readers. Your daughter might be able to comfort herself reading and knowing that other kids and sometimes adults are fearful. She can conquer this fear and be able to help her little sister if it ever happens to her. Visual frights like you suggested came from movies make a bigger impression on some people than they do on others. Your daughter is sensitive and now you know and your husband knows and she should know to look away or stay away from such sights. It doesn't mean anything..some people like the beach, some the mountains. We are all different. It might help her to know that you , or her sisters room is on the other side of her wall, if that is the case. Take the time now to deal with this and she will be your "go to girl" for solving family problems in the future.

Try to show her how movies are made, maybe this movie has a behind the scenes so she will realize this things aren't real.
My 9 year old daughter sometimes has the same problems Ijust show her its ok and normal to be scared but it is all in our mind.
Of course the best solution is lot's of love.

Don't know if this will help, but the doughnut and pancake story helped, so it is worth a shot. This is inspired by my sons (now young adults), who spent all summer one year concocting a potion to keep mosquitoes away. They kept pouring all kinds of colored liquids into a half gallon container and leaving it on the porch.

Get your daughters actively involved in a strategy to distract the visitor. Sit down with both your daughters and brainstorm. Devise some experiments. Make a list and then try some of them out. You could buy a small doll and put makeup on her face to join the visitor and be his friend. You could get a small collection of toys for the two to play with (maybe a cooking kit.) You could set up a tent for the pancake boy to stay in. You could even make up a script for the girls to practice if he comes or draw a book for the girls to read to him or a magic spell to make him more friendly. Have them concoct a magic potion in a jar. Tell the girls that in this special place that grown ups are not allowed or the tricks will not work, but to remember their adventures to tell mommy and daddy in the morning. Tell them that you did this once when you were her age with a monster of your own. Try to turn the scary event into an opportunity to turn things around. Have them try out different games and strategies with a specific goal to make the pancake boys' visits more fun for all of them.

This is a hard situation: you all need your sleep, or you're going to get even more short tempered and angry. (I have to agree with the other writer: your husband yelling and telling you to take care of it is not a mature response, even if he's the breadwinner and needs his sleep: he started the whole thing so it's not fair for him to get angry at you and her!)

I would, in your shoes, find a time during the day to talk with her, as closely as you can. Ask her about the image that bothers her, ask her why it seems so awful. Talk to her about the fact that there *are* scary things happening in the world, but you and her father and all the rest of your family are there to make sure she's taken care of. When my sons were little, one of them started worrying about what would happen if Mom and Dad were killed in an accident... it actually helped that I explained to them that that was really unlikely, because we are careful drivers, and we don't do dangerous things, but *if* it ever did happen, there were plans in place to take care of them: there were legal documents that said that they would go to live with my sister, and that we had set things up so that they'd have the money to go to college, and they knew how to telephone anyone in our families...
Having the facts, and knowing about planning for worst case scenarios helped to ease the fears.

If she were younger, I'd give her a spray bottle full of monster repellant (plain water) so when she woke up she could get rid of it herself, but this doesn't seem like standard bad dreams.

She also needs to be told explicitly that some things you see on TV are news stories, and documentaries (ie, real) and other things are make believe. And that some people *like* scary things, because they are pretend, and they know that while it's exciting for them to feel scared(like on a roller coaster) because it isn't real, they feel it's okay. But not everyone likes things like that. And so movies like she saw were made by actors and writers and directors, because they can make a lot of money if people want to watch those things -it gives her a rational reason that she might not realize yet, as to why such things are on.

Then, you can teach her how to deal with her fear reaction. First, when she wakes up scared, she should get fully awake (though it sounds as though she's lying there obsessing rather than falling asleep) she should remind herself that it really isn't real. Then she should think of something that is real, and pleasant: the next outing you're planning, the garden she's going to plant, the trip to the beach this summer, anything mundane and pleasant. Then she should think about how her body is reacting to the fear. Slow down your breaths (breathe in slowly, to a count of three, breath out slowly, to a count of three, maybe even hold for a beat in between. think about breathing in and out. feel the air coming into your lungs, and nourishing your body. Feel where ever your muscles are all tight and tense, and relax them. start with the top of your head, and relax the muscles of your forehead, then around the eyes, scrinch up your mouth, then let it all relax, relax your neck, then your shoulders, arms, hands, fingers. go back and relax your back and your hips and your legs.... Perhaps you can do the whole relaxation exercise with her once or twice, talking in a calm low voice the whole time.

then when your whole body is relaxed, you just lie there and feel good, and maybe think about pleasant things like kittens and rainbows and ice cream....

and that will help you fall asleep. Sometimes people need to practice this type of relaxation until it becomes familiar to their bodies, but once they know how to do it, it can help to still both fear and pain in all sorts of situations.

I think that mostly, you'll have to help her cope with her fears, and give her something else to focus on.

(I am a 50 year old mother of two grown sons, 22 and 18)

Hi J., I hope I don't sound harsh to you in what I'm going to say, but I feel it needs to be said. From what you tell me, frankly I don't like your husband's attitude. He was the one watching a scary movie when she happened to walk in. I am assuming that it was never his intention to have her see any of this, but since she did, it is now his responsability to calm her fears and assist her in getting back to a place of security. Shouting angrily, walking away and shoving the whole thing on you is not a mature, effective or healthy way for a father to act. She is the child, you are the adults.
Fear is NOT irrational when there is a genuine cause for it! The problem is that we live in an age when we are subjected to constant desensitization to things like horror and sex by movies, TV, etc. This overexposure causes people to feel less and less fears and sexual excitement, therefore film makers need to put out greater stimulus each time. However, for a child who has not been exposed to the brainwashing, the reaction is perfectly normal, and what your daughter is experiencing is a normal fear to an abnormal occurence.
I don't know where you're at spiritually, but praying with her and putting on soft spiritual music at bedtime would be very soothing and provide the complete opposite of what she experiences.
She doesn't need lectures, intellectual discussions or discipline. She needs something positive and reassuring to take the place of what she experienced. She also doesn't need to be told that the hideous, evil face was "funny", because that would be a very twisted sense of humor if it were and a bright and sensitive child knows and senses this.
The best thing would be for both of you to tell her how SORRY you are that she encountered such an ugly and scary thing, tell her you understand that, yes, it was ugly and scary. Own up to it and show that you are able to recognize how it hurts her. That alone will cause 50% of the healing to begin!! And then, I hope your belief system allows for you to tell her that she need not worry, God is good and He's all around her, watching over her and sending good angels by her bedside.
She's only 9 years old, she's not an adult but a tender child. Give her the tenderness and understanding that she needs over this, and her fears will be allayed forever. However, if you persist in shutting her off and just dealing with the symptoms (which is what you've been doing thus far), she will eventually learn to cope and get herself to sleep, but the internal damage will stay with her for life, mark my words.
Again, what she is experiencing is real and justified, and what you need to do now is not deal frantically with the symptoms, but replace it with something positive and life giving.
Incidentally, this is an opportunity for you to asess the spiritual values and conditon of your whole family. Use it wisely and you will have reaped ample eternal benefits for all four of you.

Love never fails!

I have a 7 year old that gets nightmares from Veggie Tales movies. She will even get them from hearing suspenseful music or conflict type noises from the TV after she's in bed. I feel for you!

We put a CD player in her room and play soft, happy music when she goes to bed. If she wakes up scared she can turn it on again. I also have been teaching her to think "on purpose" about happy things to chase away bad dream thoughts. Also, that when she wakes, she is now in charge of her thoughts, and she doesn't have to keep returning to those scary images in her mind. Praying with her and for her, and reassuring her that God is stronger than bad dreams reassures her, too. I've even marked a few verses in her bible and keep it by her bed, so that she can see God's promises in writing and know it's not just mom trying to get her to go back to sleep.

It's been working. She's been getting herself back to sleep. (We also have been screening what we watch after they go to bed.)

E., 43 year old mother of 3, aged 9, 7, and 5

I had this problem and after many trials here's what finally worked:
I had sy son's room redecorated to look more grown up so he had the idea he was not a baby anymore.
I have to leave the TV on all night on the lowest volume possible on the Discovery Kid's channel - if he wakes up, he does to something nice, watches a couple of minutes and eventually falls asleep again.
I bought him a "dream catcher" and explained how it "worked". Since he likes fantasy and magic a lot, he liked the dram catcher story and places his over his bed. He swears this thing works because he says he was no more nightmares and that if he wakes up, he goes back to sleep again. You can buy one for your room too so she sees you all believe this works.
BUT, it will take some time - if she wakes up 1,000 times, put her back 1,000 times and don't yell. Both you and her would have a hard time sleeping again plus it makes the kids feel inadequate for having this problem. Also, practice small rewards for each night she sleeps entirely.
Also, the Calms Forte 4 kids by Hylands suggested by Linda K works!
Good luck.

Hi J.-
I am also the mother of two girls, 8 & 11. I am divorced. Sometimes when they were at their father's house and get scared they would call me. It was always so frustrating being a half an hour away from them when all I wanted to do was be there to hug them myself. I felt helpless. Then I discovered working with the angels.It doesn't matter what religion you are they are there for all of us.

So now when they get scared I remind them that when they are born there are two guardian angels that are with them at all times. They are there to protect them and watch over them. If they are in a situation that really scared them they can call on the master angel of protection...Archangel Michael. All they have to do is ask. They will immediately have a feeling of peace come over them. Experiment doing this when they are not scared so they already know it works. Experiment with it yourself so it can become a part of your belief system. There is a good book that I read with my children from Doreen Virtue,PH.D. called "Angels 101". It teaches how to work with them. It is so amazing especially with children. Try it, it eliminates the yelling, fear, and you have a good nights sleep.
In Love & Light,
L.

Hi J...I really feel for you..but even more so, I feel for your daughter. First off, as others have mentioned, your husband REALLY needs to understand that his over-reaction by yelling is absolutely not going to help the situation. Her emotions are already on "high" by the fear..dad yelling will never help her to calm. It will only break her heart that daddy isn't understanding her real pain. I personally have suffered from anxiety..which worsened incredibly after I gave birth. In dealing with my own fears, I have found ways to overcome them..so I hope any of this helps. it is true that we become desensitized by things we see repeatedly..so if it is okay with her, maybe pull up a picture of this boy on-line..and if you are lucky enough to find it, maybe pull up a picture of him in real life, without the make-up and scary sounds. Let her know he was just acting. And maybe find a website where they show you step by step the process of putting on horror make-up....focusing primarily on the "before" and that they are all just real people like you and her. If she doesn't already, I would definitely let her sleep with the light on..and although this may be rough on you, maybe work something out, like day one you sleep on her floor, day 2, near her door, day 3, in the hall, day 4 in your room. Keep your word, so that when/if she wakes up, you are close by, as you promised..and tell her she can check on you, but must go back to bed. Maybe after a few nights of going back to bed with you near, she will be used to the feeling again of sleeping alone. See if you have a friend with an aerobed..they are comfy. I would also have your husband read all of these responses...and let him really ingest what his indifference, if not agitation to her fear is doing to her. Trust me...this will come out to her therapist as an adult, that daddy rejected her fears and wasn't there to comfort her. Perhaps he is the one that needs to do the on-line work with her to show his love and concern.

I hope any of this helps..my daughter is only 1 1/2, so I don't have experience with a child of your daughter's age, but I can first hand understand what true fear feels like.

Good luck!
A. C. :)

My daughter just went through a similar situation of all of a sudden being too scared to sleep in her bed. After 2 months of sleeping on our floor in her sleeping bag, I found a homeopathic remedy that worked! It is called Calms Forte 4 kids by Hylands. On the first night she slept in her bed for half the night and then I continued to give it to her for 3 more nights (lowering the dosage each night) and she has been sleeping in her bed ever since. My daughter is 4 and I just told her that this remedy would help her to not be afraid in her room and she took it joyfully & thankfully it worked. You can get it at Whole Foods, Wild Oats or any natural health food place.
Try to be patient with her....I know that is hard when you don't get sleep. I have an 8 month old who keeps me up at night. Good luck to you!!

I haven't personally been through this situation. (yet, my daughter is only 8 months old) But I am very close to my nieces and nephews. My niece went through this very same problem from the Movie "The Grudge" which is were that little boy from Scary Movie's character is based from. She got to the point where she wouldn't take a shower, go to bed or go any where by herself. She eventually got over it. What I suggest if you feel comfortable doing so is first searching online for the clips of the making of the movie they might show clips of the boy with no makeup and the process of them putting the makeup on his face soo she can see that he is an ordinary boy who is playing make pretend and dressing up like many kids do to go trick or treating. So then she can visualize him being a normal boy instead of that hidious face and scary noise. Also if you pray have her pray with you that always helped me growing up. Good Luck I pray your little girl will stop being tormented by that scary face.

Children have a really hard time with what's real and what's not. On that note, you have to sit down with your daughter and really explain that what she saw on TV was all make believe. Maybe you can play some role playing with her and act like someone else and have her act like someone else. At 9, she should be able to understand the act of playing make believe. You also need to explain to her how important that it is for you, her daddy, and herself to get a good nights sleep. Your husband yelling at her is understandable..he is frustrated BUT him yelling at her is wrong because it's going to make her fears, which are real to her, seem unimportant. Her fears are important and need to be recognized but she needs to understand that she is afraid of something that is make believe. Ask her if a night light in her room would help her not be so afraid. My daugthers share a room and both of them are petrified of thunder and lightening. No matter what I've said to reassure them they are safe, they are terrified. Luckily it doesn't storm every night but when it does, I've instructed my daughters to pull the cover over their heads until the storm passes. Perhaps you can make sure your daughter has a favorite toy (doll, stuffed animal) that will help her feel safe when she's afraid. Your husband can help by reassuring her that her fears are real but comforting her instead of yelling at her. Children have feelings that I believe are too often disregarded by adults.

I have 2 Grandaughters that sleep in the same room because they refuse to sleep alone. What they have done for these girls is turn a radio on in there room low with soft music and they have a light on in the corner of their room and they seem to be doing well with this and the door open.
G.

hey J. if your daughter is so afraid to sleep alone, get a night light for her and also bedtime story should be of fairytales. Sleeping in the room with her is not going to solve the problem, reassure her that the movie was make believe. Since the younger sister is not afraid let her comfort her bigger sister. You needs not to jump everytime she starts to cry, it will creat problem in your marriage. Explain to her that she is a big girl, who is soon going to be a young lady.
Parents bedrooms are off limits for cry babies.
Hope this helps.
P.S. My son went through the same phase, he's 7yrs. old now he sleeps alone in His own room.

So sorry that you are at your wits end with the situation. I think that your tactic of turning the scary boy into a silly or happy boy is right on the mark! Bravo! I would suggest doing the same type of thing with your daughter again only this time perhaps you could let her use her imagination in a guided visualization to create a funny silly boy who will no longer scare her anymore. They could even become friends and play together at the end. After that, it will be up to you to stick to your guns and get your needed sleep in your own bed. I do hope that you find success! good luck!