My 6 Year Old Is Following Bad Behavior at School...

ETA: I understand. Not meant to be harsh. The concept still applies, tweak as needed!

Yes, I do.
Don't become yet another O. of those parents whose child is "always led astray by another/other bad kid/s."
Who IS that "bad kid" anyway? Cause I never hear any mom saying "my kid leads others down the wrong path," do you?
Boys have a pack mentality.
I think consequences for his actions (regardless of the Idea Owner) will eventually make the point with him.

this sounds like perfectly normal 6.5 behavior. They are really testing out consequences at this age, and a not so great teacher will get herself into trouble.

As I say to my kids everyday, I don't care who started it or whose idea it was, what I care about is who participates.

btw, trouble makers tend to be their own little people, thus why they are trouble-makers! They tend to be smart, strong willed children. I have a lot of sympathy for these kids. Schools is boring..why wouldn't you want to throw rocks over a fence?

You make sure he knows that HE is responsible for HIS choices and behavior. I have an autistic child, and dealt with similar issues at that age, but I NEVER NEVER NEVER let his autism be an excuse for poor choices or poor behavior. And I mean EVER! As a mother, his diagnosis just means I have to work THAT much harder on encouraging good choices, taking responsibility, etc. You are walking a VERY slippery slope with the blame game, there's gonna come an age and a time that no one will care WHY he did "x", just THAT he did "x"! You may feel I'm coming down on you, but that's reality. He is either high functioning enough to learn to abide by and be accountable for following the basic rules of life, or he's not. If he is, and it sounds like he is, START NOW. If not, he needs supervision 100% of the time without exception so that he can't harm himself or others. I know it's hard, I live it. My autistic son is 12 now, and he still occasionally does something totally off the wall. My approach is to take the situation and dissect it from beginning to end with what HE could have done differently for a better outcome. When he butts in with "well Johnny said/did xyz, I tell him I'm not Johnny's mom, and neither of us can control Johnny, he can just control himself" and we continue to walk through to a better plan for "next time". I have to say those talks are soooooooo few and far between now. He knows he's autistic, he knows what it means, he knows the inclinations it causes him to have, he knows he functions very much well enough to successfully live on his own and do whatever he chooses as far as a family and career, he also knows two young adult men that are not high functioning enough to live on their own, and he knows their similarities and differences, and he knows he has to work harder to control impulses, etc., and he rises to the occasion with extreme regularity. I praise him often for basic things that are a struggle for him - interrupting, for instance. Meet your son at an appropriate place on his development, but don't cheat him of learning to do better for himself by excusing the poor behavior.

It's not about staying away from other kids, but developing the self-discipline and control he needs to make better behavior choices regardless of what others may be doing. Telling him to stay away from Billy solves nothing for more than 2 minutes. Teaching your son to have a strong sense of self and personal ethics is forever.

How to best do that depends on what works well for him. Some kids flourish on teams, some in clubs, some like martial arts (self discipline is the first and primary lesson) and some find it by giving their help to others.

Being on the spectrum may mean you have to work longer and try harder to get through and make it stick. Is he getting support in the way of behavioral or social skills therapy? These things can be really helpful because they use scenarios and social role-playing to learn real-life skills.

I wouldn't worry about the long haul yet, this is normal at this age. It's VERY hard to stand up to friends. We quote that Harry Potter line a lot when Dumbledore awards Neville saying, "It's hard to stand up to your enemies, but even harder to stand up to your friends"...

My son is 7 and he's getting MUCH tougher and better about this, but he has some bad news neighborhood friends who are a little older than him. He's followed their lead and gotten in big trouble for it! Once he was lured into picking neighbor's tomatoes and smashing them. Once he was guilty of letting them tear shingles off our tree house without stopping them. Once he followed one into throwing rocks at our glass yard light...the list goes on. I gave him stern explanations about how to NOT participate and how to TELL HIS FRIENDS NO, and he got firm consequences each time after that explanation. His dad wanted to ban the kids from the yard, but I said, "No, he needs to learn to HANDLE this, not avoid it." He now understands that he will get in just as much trouble for standing by as he will for participating, and that participating in any form is not OK-it doesn't matter whose idea it was. Now I overhear him bossing the bigger kids around like, "Hey quit it or get out of my yard!!!"

So it's not so much about AVOIDING bad influence as it is teaching to stand up to it. It takes firmness and patience.

The best way to handle this right now is to keep a close eye on him. If this is happening at school where are the teachers and is it being handled there? enough consequences for bad behavior will nip this in the bud. But the previous poster is right. unless you are right there you don't know if your son is instigating any of these things or not. Every kid in the universe does the pointing at the other kid saying it was his fault.

example
I am a nanny. Have been a nanny for the same family for 5 years now. Little boy is now 10. I know him. So last night when I was fixing dinner at the stove and the chandelier crashed onto the table... after asking omg are you ok. I said what happened. He of course first said I don't know I was just sitting here doing my homework. Now chandeliers don't just fall off the ceiling. So I probed a little deeper. Cam were you touching the chandelier? no.... well... sort of. I was twirling it with my pencil but that didn't make it fall Olivia and I do it all the time. He didn't equate the pencil with touching the chandelier. So just make sure he equates the bad behavior with himself making the choice to go along with it.

Sometimes you just need to dig a little deeper and make the consequences fit the crime and he will stop

with firmness and constant reinforcement. there will ALWAYS be 'bad influences' and it's no use blaming the other kids. spectrum or not, it's an ongoing journey to work with all of our kids on taking responsibility for their own behavior and learning how to have a firm 'no, i won't do that.'
it's a process. of course they don't get it right out of the gate. be stern and firm, and yes, consequences at home for getting in trouble at school.
khairete
S.

Per your what happened, yes you are blaming others. Your tone is but for these other kids my son would be an angel. My younger son is spectrum and even he does not blame other kids. My son, ya know the one with spectrum, told me when he was 14 it was not the other kid's fault. He needed to learn to control himself, they were just being kids.

If my autistic son at 14 can figure that out I am sure you can too.

Sure he got in a mess of trouble when he was younger and hadn't learned to control himself but I was always at the school saying how do we teach him, what do 'we' do. Never did I blame the other 'kids' because they couldn't accommodate my son's differences.

My advice is to have clear expectations and to have clear consequences. When my son gets into trouble at school--- with a friend or not-- he has a consequence at home. I am giving him the expectation that he isn't to do things he KNOWS he is not supposed to do and that he's not to be trouble for the teacher. This means that even if he's 'being led', that doesn't get to be an excuse for knowingly doing something which is wrong.

Having a kid who is socially immature is just unfortunate-- I know firsthand. I also know that my son is capable of knowing right from wrong, even if it is temporary 'fun', and for me to treat him otherwise does him a great disservice. Some people will say 'let the school handle it'-- I say that expectations for behavior start at home. My kid knows that if he gets into trouble at school, he can expect no media time and no play times with friends that day. I'd rather have him learn at a young age that he's accountable for his actions-- and the choice to go along with someone who is misbehaving-- than to just give him a pass.

Been there!

I think everyone I know (and certainly was with my boys) went through this stage at this age. Calls from school about naughty behavior and usually involved a couple of kids ..

Hopefully it's a phase (probably is) ... and as for being a follower, my kids did things that shocked me .. I think testing limits, being silly/naughty, having a co-conspirator is exciting at that age ... what will happen if I drop the crayons or throw rocks ...

Consequences - that's all we really did. We just sat them down and asked why they would do this - don't they realize it's not ok (against our rules and the schools?) - what about if they hurt someone or made work for the teacher ...

Our school was good. Would probably have kept the kids in to clean the whole class and the boys would have missed lunch/recess ...

Encourage him to think for himself, and say it's ok to say no to naughty things that could get him or others in trouble ..

Teachers will separate kids who get up to trouble in school (as in desks) but beyond that, they can't really keep them apart. But if he's sitting near the boy in class, you can request they be separated (opposite sides).

Good luck :)

After your SWH I suggest you focus on helping your son deal with those issues instead of expecting the other boy to recognize that your son is on the spectrum and treat your son differently. The other boy is just a kid too.

I don't see this as serious as it feels to you. Both boys are immature and both boys threw the rocks. "normal" kids are followers. He will learn from this experience especially if no one labels them as bad kids. I suggest that in a firm but calm voice talk with him about the reasons throwing rocks is no not acceptable.why doing this is not acceptable. Help him learn how to keep himself out of trouble. You can give a consequence but be sure the consequence is related to the "crime." I suggest sending him to bed early won't teach him to not throw rocks.

I suggest you work with the teacher. Ask how she sees this behaviour, at this age with these boys. I suggest it's very normal. My grandson is on the spectrum and in special ed so I know how easy it is to protect him. I learned that even tho a child on the spectrum they still do age unacceptable things. Although not desirable, throwing rocks at this age is normal. So is following another kid who seems more fun. My brothers threw rocks at that age. My parents and teacher talked with them. I wasn't much older so I don't remember what their consequence was. I do remember the serious discussion they had. My brothers stopped finding throwing rocks as fun as they got older. They moved on with more experiences and more lessons.

I suggest, although it's possible, that being autistic has very little to do with him throwing rocks. The fact that your son is less mature is more likely to be a part of him following the boy. Know that he will mature, probably at an older age. Consider that your son is acting appropriate for his age which is younger than the other boy. Most boys who follow others and do inappropiate things are not on the spectrum.

You do need to be his advocate for learning difficulties. At the same time you need to recognize that in some ways he's just like other boys. I would stop blaming the other boy and focus on your son's behaviour. It sounds like in some ways you're excusing you son's behaviour by placing the blame on the other boy. Protecting him from accepting responsibilty will not help him learn. Giving him an excuse for his behavior teaches him that what he does is someone else's fault. He chose to follow this boy and throw the rocks. Being on the spectrum may make him more vulnerable to following another but it does not excuse him from doing something inappropiate. He, like every other kid, has to learn that they are responsible for their choices.

Do you know the other boy? Who's to say he's more mature and able to know better than your son about throwing rocks. At this age all children do the inappropiate. Growing up is the process of learning appropriate and inappropiate in a way that makes sense to them. It's not a one time lesson.

Unless the teacher separates them I would not do it. Playing with children who are more a leader than a follower is part of the learning process. Yes, you can not let them play together but there will be another leader and he'll have to start over learning how to deal with a leader who "gets him in trouble" att school. Learning how to manage so one does not get in trouble is a lesson all kids must learn. Because your son is autistic he may learn at a slower pace and in a different way, even then it will be a lesson. When we protect our children, whether or not they are autistic we prevent them from learning how to deal with life.

With kids this age, on the spectrum or not, consequences have to be immediate or they just don't get it. So I really feel that your job it to support the school in whatever decisions they make at the time as well as over time. That means, if they say he cannot play with this one little boy, that's that. If they have to sit in the office, you support that. I'd question how the 2 of them were able to split off from the group and get into an empty classroom - were they headed to the bathroom or the office? Then they can't be excused together. Were they headed to the office to do an errand for the teacher? Then that's the end of that. Did they break away from the line headed to the cafeteria or recess? Then they have to be near the front of the line supervised by a teacher (but not AT the head of the line because in many schools "Line Leader" is a coveted position!).

I don't see you as blaming anyone else - you've been upfront that he's immature and has poor (or developing) social skills. Being a follower and doing the wrong thing is just as bad as being the ringleader - it's just a different set of skills and techniques needed to rein him in. I think you can reinforce at home, perhaps with a sticker chart or other set of rewards, but it's going to be less effective than in-school consequences. So let the teachers handle it. Let them know you support their efforts and ask what you can do, but I don't think any amount of talking at home will, by itself, make a difference. At least not at this age.

Make sure he never hears you talk about him just following others because he might begin to think he has no responsibility for his own actions when what you want to teach him is that he is always responsible not matter what his condition, age or personality. Just like he is responsible for doing his homework, even if it is harder (or easier) for him than for another child. It will of course take a while but keep reminding him to make good choices, and sometimes a good choice is to not play with little Billy if he and little Billy get in trouble. (see don't ever word it that little Billy gets in trouble or gets you both in trouble-just you and Billy together are a bad combination. And even better, remind him using positive language, make good choices !

It would have been helpful to mention that your son is on the spectrum in your original question. The advice you get should be different for a child on the spectrum. Perhaps you could add that to your original question (up at the top) for people who don't remember to read your SWH before they answer.

I think your fears are valid. None of us want followers that seek the wrong crowd. As a parent I would stress character and gently share with him this character trait that you have noticed and help him to recognize it as well. Point it out to him without being overly critical, yet punish when its needed. Soon he will recognize the behavior. If you can tap into what motivates it, you can talk about those things as well. The only way he'll change js if he recognizes the tendency himself. And yes I do see parents fret over things like development needlessly on this site. But character traits are different. Character flaws that I observed say in my sisters when they were little, like lying, and sneakiness started off as stealing Easter candy then lying about it. But that same individual shop lifted, snuck out with boys and found herself in a world of problems with the law, parents, disease, and self-worth issues. Yes as child even she see's that her tendency to be sneaky was an indicator of bad things to come. My mother recognized these character traits and worked to correct them. But my sister was well into her 20's before she realized what a mess she made of her life. She is a redeemed individual but with lots of scars. And the whole family sees how these character traits lead her down very bad paths. You are right to worry mama.

When my child was in first grade she had a terrific teacher with 25 years of experience. Had this happened with two boys in her class, that teacher would have known right away to ensure they were kept apart when possible -- not sent together as "bathroom buddies" or on errands to other classrooms, if the school has a kid-must-have-buddy rule to be outside class. Not paired on activities or projects. Certainly not at desks or seats next to each other. On opposite sides of the group if the class is all sitting on the floor for a story or talk. And watched with care on the playground. Going over to a fence while on the playground probably wouldn't have happened; teachers who were on the playground tended to post themselves between kids and things like fences or areas with tempting gravel, so the kids stayed focused on the play equipment.

This teacher, being experienced, managed to do this kind of thing without making a big deal about it or being obvious or announcing, "Billy and Sammy must be separated!" She knew that drawing attention to it that way would make Billy and Sammy just wild to BE nearer each other.

Mom, this will pass and as Marda noted below, this isn't as bad as it seems to you it is, and it's normal at this age for many kids. I would talk with the teacher (in person, without your son there) briefly and say that while your son has to take full responsibility for his own behaviors, it would be a good idea if he and Billy are kept apart. (I kind of wonder how two kids got into an empty classroom alone, by the way--? That shouldn't be able to happen at this age.)

Be clear with the teacher that that although your son is on the spectrum he should be given the same discipline, as swiftly, as any other kid (because...shouldn't he, in these cases?). But also let the teacher know that he will imitate anyone doing anything impulsive, so you need to enlist some attention for keeping him away from a kid whom he clearly wants to impress. The teacher will not do it perfectly all the time, nor should you expect that of her or him. But you need to make an ally of the teacher in this while also showing that you are not expecting some kind of special leniency for your son, only some attention to keeping him occupied and not pairing him with Billy for anything.

Does that make sense?

Also, if he is on the spectrum, is the school counselor aware and involved? I am not saying to bring in the counselor over classroom behavior issues like the ones you describe, but it might help if the counselor knows that he tends to imitate other kids. The counselor might be able to work with him on that tendency over time.

Are you getting reports on these things the same day they happen? I hope so. If not, ask the teacher for notice by e-mail the same day when things like this take place, and have a discipline ready when he gets home from school. Yes, he and the other boy should have immediate consequences right there, from the teacher, but he also should come home to find that mom does indeed know what goes on at school and there is a consequence at home as well. the same day. Many younger elementary kids don't quite get yet that school and home are not totally separate worlds; they need to learn that parents do find out what they're doing at school. He is now old enough to grasp the idea that behaving a certain way at school also carries over to home.

Can so relatee to this. I think you have to talk to him about the behavior "good choice" "sad choice" and not about this other little boy. Most people on the spectrum are concrete thinkers and this has helped my son with this particular issue and consequences that stick. Ie I made my son write a letter to the neighbors apologizing for throwing rocks over the fence and he had to deliver it. He was 7 he never did it again whereas all other consequences previously had failed.

I would go over some scenarios with him...acting out what the other boy might say and how he can answer in different ways. I'm sure he wants a friend but has a hard time saying no or doing what is right when his friend suggests something else. I'm sure you've already talked to him about right and wrong and having good behavior at school. But also let him know that the next time something like this happens he is going to get x as a consequence when he gets home. Also, invite over other boys that are "good kids" for regular play-dates. Host some other boy once a week and perhaps your son will grow closer to some of the other kids. Then perhaps he will play with these other boys more often and be less likely to follow the other kid.