My 6- Year Old Daughter Cont....

She sounds like a normal kid who has a lot of energy and needs love. It sounds to me from your posts like there is a lot of change going on in your lives. School is a constant and hasn't changed, but your living situation has. Plus, are you saying that the future FIL is asking her to be quiet and put on meds? I am astounded that you would even consider that. What kind of meds are you going to put her on????? I'm just shaking my head over that.

If your fiance's father is a crabby old jerk, then it's time to move on. I wouldn't put up with anyone saying my kid needed medication for being a lively, normal kid. Sounds like she (and you) are bugging him and he's tired of it. I'd fix that one fast. I'd be out of there in a hot second.

Just fyi, my daughter's friend has always been a very active child and hasn't EVER required as much sleep as normal kids. If your daughter is still awake two hours after you put her to bed, then you are putting her to bed way too early. For those two hours, how about playing some games, watching a nice show together on tv, reading books or doing some puzzles, crafts or something?? If she gets home at 4 and plays with friends until 5 and eats and then goes to bed, she hardly gets any YOU time. I think she needs that. (My daughter's friend has always gone to bed at about 8:30 or 9:30 p.m since she was in first grade. Never seemed like enough sleep to me, but it always has been for her. She's healthy, well-adjusted and never sleepy.)

I think your problems are more with the fiance and his cranky old father than your daughter. If I were you I'd reconsider the whole living situation/relationship. They are the ones who sound like they need medication.

So... you are not married yet to this Man?
His Dad... is fixed in his situation/demands. You all live with him.
Then you have a child... who is 6 years old.
Your child... IS being a child... but the demands/constructs/living expectations around her AT home... just are NOT congruent.... to a 6 year old child's.... age juncture and age stage.

No matter what.... your sort of Father-in-Law... will always gripe about her and demand you do something about her. Whether it is reasonable or not. But, FIL ALSO has NON-regular living/sleeping habits. It is not the norm. You know that.
BUT so... all of you, or rather, your CHILD... has to fit INTO and conform TO your FIL's un-normal living expectations.
AND your Boyfriend.... cannot handle a child.

So.... the problem here to me is... that your child will NEVER fit "into" this family's (ie: Your Boyfriend & FIL's living arrangement and expectations)... because, your daughter is a CHILD. She cannot be expected, to act older than she is.
Put it this way, your Boyfriend, who is an adult.... does not act.... all perfect either and he acts like a kid himself. Not responsible and not very mature.

BUT in school, in your previous post... you said your Daughter is FINE.
SO... this is.... a PROBLEM of the HOME and the family dynamics and the living arrangements... which are not.... congruent with a child.... nor with her development and the expectations of this living arrangement... is falling upon her and the way your CHILD... follows through or not... with all the expectations that are on her. Regardless of how the adults... are managing their lives.
THIS is NOT a good/healthy dynamic... to have a child in.
It is not.... normal... all the expectations you/your Boyfriend/Your FIL have on her.
She is only, 6.
But yet, she is.... being made the scapegoat for all household ill's.
To me, that is the problem.

all the best,
Susan

I wonder if the three of you can move out of his dad's place.
You certainly should NOT put a child on meds just to keep her quiet.
I can tell you're trying very hard to keep her from disturbing your FIL;
I'm guessing he's not too thrilled about you and your daughter living there.

OK, you know the difference between normal rambunctious behavior and noise making and real bad behavior, so we'll just talk about the outright defiance and arguing with everything you say but behaving at school etc. You said in your last post that you "don't want to try a worse punishment or meds". Don't even put the meds in the same thought process until you have tried consistent firm discipline long enough to know (like since she was an infant) that she absolutely doesn't respond to it. And any child without consistent firm discipline, will be acting just as yours is acting. And if she's good at school the chance she needs meds are pretty much zilch since she has control of how she acts. And if you decide to put her on meds before firming up her discipline...for a man no less...for shame.

Meds are not for people who want a quick fix to behavior, they are for kids who have true medical issues. I have an irregular heartbeat from an antidepressant I took as a teen that was supposedly "safe" -like everything else until it turns out not to be safe and gets yanked off the market and you see the legal commercials with ways for people with life threatening conditions from the drugs to sue. I'm mortified by the light way doctors and people put their very young kids on drugs. You have not reached that last resort point yet based on your two posts.
Firm up, momma!
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

What meds and why? Your cart is WAY before your horse. There are not meds for behavior that adults do not like, that is what dicipline is for, Meds are for children with Nuerological disorders that cause a very specific set of behaviors that are evaluated by a team of doctors, psycholgists, neuropsychologists, and therapyists of many types, and when they have behavior that is caused by medical issues, neurological issues, they can be helped by medication. Do you have any other issues other than her being loud sometimes, not wanting to go to bed so early, some arguing, and not wanting to get up in the morning? Your teacher has said that she is great at school, and if this were a global issue, you would be seeing it at school as well as home, and frankly, you just never, ever, ever medicate a child with a "global" medication when the problem is not global. Put that out of your discussion, ulness there is a whole lot more to this story that involves teachers, care givers, and you suspecting that your duaghter has a neurological issue that requieres evaluation. Evaluation is first...even if she has a neurological issue, you have no idea if medication is appropriate without having her evaluated first.

Maybe she is not sleepy at 7:30? I have kids who have issues sleeping (they have evaluations, and needed medications) and putting them to bed earlier and punishing them was not going to make them sleepy if they were not. If I were you, I would be rewarding her for not sassing off to you and for being quiet when it was necessary by letting her earn time to stay up a little later. You have her currency= she does not want to go to bed...you have her problem= she argues with you and she is loud sometimes, so reward her with what she wants for what you want, and let her earn it. She can earn quiet time in her room to color or draw after 7:30 if she does not argue. Give her until 8:30 to stay up quietly, then take 5 minutes away for each time she argues, or each time she is loud. Her choice. Take away a half hour the next night if she comes out after 8:30. At 8:30, get her a drink to take with her, make her go to the rest room, and ask if she is hot or cold, give her a fan to turn on herself if she is hot, and an extra blanket to get for herself if she is cold. Tell her that she is only allowed to come out if she is really sick, and by sick, you mean that you had better see blood, vomit or a fever on the themoeter, or she loses a half hour, and tell her that you will always know when she is fibbing, you can see it in her eyes, and she just better not try. It works.

None of what you are saying sounds like anything more than a typcial active 6 year old. Tell those around you, and yourself, that the meds discussion is rediculous. It just does not work like that anyway. So many people have a huge misconception that they can waltz into a pediatricians office and spend five minutes complaining about thier kids behavior, and walk out with a prescription. Identifying neurological disablities is a long process that involves many people, hours and hours of evaluations of many kinds, and a long invloved report with numbers and terms that must be explained to the parents in a sit down hour or more long appointment after weeks of appointments and waiting. After all that, some kids will benefit from medication for very specific issues that are neurlogical, but expressed in behavioral terms. Attention and focus, sleep, depression, mania, tics, siezures, aggitation, anger, anxiety...all are issues that are commonly treated with meds for kids who have neurological disablities. Meds do not come first.

M.

Well, it's the year 2000, and morals and values totally still matter, but I'd argue that living with your fiance after having been together a while is not necessarily a lapse of morals and values.

Having said that, it's sounding like this isn't the best living arrangement for your daughter. I'm wondering if this house doesn't feel like "home" for her. She's in a new house, living with a new father figure, and also living with a grandfather figure who is not well and has unusual schedules and needs. And her new father figure is never around when she's awake. Any one of those things would be difficult for a young child to adjust to, and she's dealing with all four!

I'd suggest finding a way to make this house feel more like home to her. Maybe set specific times when she's allowed to "be a kid", and restrict the times when she has to be quiet. Make sure to get her time with your fiance on his days off or when school is closed.

I'm really thinking the answer is not punishment (although obviously you need to be firm about rules); it might just be a matter of discussing the arrangement with her, letting her vent about her frustrations, and helping her feel a little more in control of her life.

First of all never put any man before your child who is not her father, second at 6 already know about unmarried people living together, you are not setting a very good example for her as far as morals and values go, and please don't mention were in the year 2000, and morals and values don't matter anymore. Any man that suggested I put my NORMAL child on meds, he would be gone, or I would be. I hope you do the right thing and put your daughter first. J.

If you have all this anxiety over disturbing FIL, your daughter is picking up on it and that's not helping at all. If you are Shh-shh- shhing her all the time, then she knows how to get your attention. Is there any way you can move out of there? If not, then you just need to be consistent with her. Don't over-panic about the noise - I mean she is 6, you can't expect her to make no noise. Don't under-discipline because you're afraid of the tantrum. If she is talking back sassing, arguing, give her one warning and put her in time out for 6 minutes. If she is screaming in time out - ignore it, as long as she's staying in the time out spot - don't give her attention for it. Your fiancee will need to explain to FIL that tantrums are going to be a part of this for awhile, but should minimize with consistency. Make sure that you are spending quality time with her, too- have a scheduled mom&me time every day. No meds - not for the purpose of keeping her quiet - she's six, she's a child. Good luck.

you need to talk to her and ask her how she is doing when she gets off the school bus,then let her play with her friends. Talk to her when you arfe having dinner. Tell her you know she misses your finacee. I would also talk to your fiancee and tell him that her needs to do some things together,just the two of the them. Meds will not fixher behavior. obviously,she does not have ADD or any other issue while at school. It is a cry for attention. Sometimes,kids do not know how to deal with changes. Once you really talk with her and get her to express her feelings to you,I think it will helo.

Hi, J.:
I understand your delimma.
I think what is going on you seem to be having difficulty disciplining your
daughter.

I suggest you find ways to set boundaries and stop trying to control your daughter by giving her things.

One thing for sure, the courts have no problem disciplining children, teens or adults if they haven't been trained in self control and learn to self-soothe.

Good luck.
D.

I guess I don't understand why you keep on mentioning 'putting her on medication'. I mean, you can't just put healthy children on medication--as in, *you* don't have the power to get her medication without a diagnosis and a doctor's prescription... So, I'm wondering whether she has had a diagnosis and you've never put her on the medication-?

Children can be hyper for a number of reasons. Diet is a big contributor. What is she eating throughout the day? Foods made with white flour breakdown into sugar. Foods made with high fructose corn syrup and red dye can crank up out of control behavior, as can preserved meats (meats containing nitrites: lunchmeats, hot dogs, etc.)

If she hasn't had a diagnosis for any behavioral issues, and then perhaps you should try to control her diet (for 6-8 weeks) and see if that improves her behavior. If it does help, then you know you need to keep her off certain foods from 1 o'clock until bedtime.

She needs consistency...
Make a list of rules for the house - have her tell you some. No yelling inside, no talking back, no attitude, etc.
List the consequences for breaking the rules.
You need to find her currency.
If she likes to watch TV, take it away for bad behavior. If she likes to play video games, take those away.
I made my kids run around the house 10 times when they got off the bus before they could come inside. It tired them out, got the excess frustration of the day out, and adjusted their attitudes...

As for not spending time with your fiance - it sounds like she needs "daddy time". He needs to get up in the morning and have breakfast with her. He can go back to bed after if he wants, but she needs her time.

YMMV
LBC