hello everyone!
Looking for advice on what to do and if you had this problem how did you get over this? I have a sweet wonderful boy that just turned 5. when he doesn't get his way, well, he's not so sweet and wonderful. last fall when he started school he soon picked up some new words, such as shut up and stupid. he particularly likes to use them on me, the dog, other family members, and occasionally himself. He loved going to school in the morning and now refuses to get dressed and there are many hectic days. he will literally fight me by trying to swat at me, he hides, and call me stupid or tell me to shut up.
I've noticed when there are kids taunting him, he repeats he's scared or "x" is stupid and so on and so on. if he finds the work at school difficult, he also says the same thing. At school his teachers tell me a different story, that he is well mannered, empathetic to the other kids, and listens well. Surprisingly, he does not speak this way to the other kids or teachers at school. There were some incidents on the bus that were resolved after my son finally opened up and told me some of the things that were happening such as other kids scratching or spitting at him. If I ask the bus driver he plays dumb and says these kids come up with more stories than you'd know what to do with. well, of course I'm going to listen to my son. He does have some issues opening up and expressing himself which i am trying to overcome with him.
On a side note, when the regular bus driver was out, there was a wonderful sub that took over for about a month. She was polite, addressed the kids, and played classical music. My son's attitude was 100% great during this time and he enjoyed being on the bus. I asked the bus company to keep her on the route, but they didn't listen to me.
When I asked my son where he picked up these words he told me from his friend. I politely told the other mom about it at a get together and we discovered that the other boy's mom also uses the bus. His bus driver(different from mine) tells the kids to shut up! I encouraged the mom to write a letter to the teacher and follow up with a phone call.
Well, my son still tells me to shut up, i'm stupid, shut my mouth when he doesn't get his way or wants to do something i tell him to do. especially if he's tired. It's not just to me, but to his grandparents as well. No one in the house speaks that way. I tried timeouts and taking things away from him, telling him those words are hurtful, but nothing I've tried works. He might be a bit better after the time outs, but it continues. When he's tired he especially uses them even though he refuses to nap. I am secretly hoping this is just another phase, but certainly do not want him growing up speaking that way. please help with any suggestions you have! thanks in advanced.
When my kids used language I thought was wrong I had them go to the bathroom and say the word 20 or so times. They learned that some words are bathroom words and that is where they are said and no where else. It actually stuck. How's that for pop psychology?
Gently talking to him and time outs and taking things away aren't going to make him understand that his behavior is disrespectful. Yes, he probably does this at home and not other places... simply because at HOME he is loved no matter what, and he knows it. (This is a GOOD thing). At school/on the bus/etc.. he must be mindful that he doesn't do/say these things to the wrong person(s). At home... he is loved unconditionally. This is why so many kids have tantrums after the end of the school day when they are finally back in their comfort /safe zone.
That said, you must make him understand that it is disrespectful to speak to you (or his grandparents or anyone in authority) that way. And that it will not be tolerated. He WILL show respect to you, and he will be punished for disrespect. Telling him it is hurtful is kinda generic. Doesn't mean much to him. Telling him that he is not showing his MOTHER the proper respect might be more clear. Clearly he knows what respect is.. he shows it to his teachers at school. He knows to say "yes ma'am" doesn't he? And "thank you"? It's all part of the same thing... good manners, being respectful. Frankly, you can be respectful and still say things that hurt feelings. ("the truth hurts" comes immediately to mind). He needs to concentrate on being respectful. It is okay for him to tell you that he doesn't want to do this or that. That he doesn't like the getting ready for school routine, or anything else, for that matter. But he can't DEMONSTRATE it by hiding, swatting at you or calling you names.. that is NOT ok.
Now, THAT said, He needs to feel safe telling you that he is unhappy about having to go to school (and it sounds to me like the underlying issue with ALL of this is that there are some things about the bus that need to be addressed so that he will not be so unhappy/uncomfortable riding it - or maybe take him Off it if you can), but he needs make his feelings on this known in a respectful manner.
I hope this helps.
FWIW, my 11 year finally rode the bus for the first time ever this year. He rode it a total of 9 days. He said he didn't like it. Not, (surprisingly), because he had to be up and ready to go almost 40 minutes earlier in the morning; but because the older kids on the bus were loud, obnoxious, rude, and used a lot of foul language. He was extremely uncomfortable in the situation. So, since it was an option, we decided to not use the bus. If you are able to work out other transportation, I would consider how much the bus ride is affecting your son's feelings about school. If you remove that discomfort (which seems like he is crying out for by hiding and not wanting to get ready for school) then you may just be eliminating 90% of the disrespect issues. Particularly in light of the fact that his personality reverted to "normal" with a different bus driver.
Best wishes dear.
I would much rather have my kid use the F word (not at a person, but in general) than say "Shut Up" to me. It is so disrespectful sounding! So I know how you feel. My mom says "shut up" to her dog around my kids and it just makes me crazy.
When my son was about that age and went through a phase of using bad words I made him pay me 25 cents for each time. Of course that only works if your child has some money of his own. You could also send him to bed early whenever he uses disrespectful language ("you must be tired. so you can go to bed early tonight")
Or if it seems like he has something more going on than the allure of forbidden words - like he's trying to tell you he's angry or upset. What about if the next time he uses some bad words, you could say "It sounds like you have some angry feelings that you want to talk about. I'm going to set the timer and for 5 minutes we will talk and you can use whatever words you need to. But after that, we're back to regular rules."
Edited to add - I would NEVER put anything inside my kids' mouth (or anywhere inside their body) like hot sauce or soap. To me, it is an issue of bodily integrity. Your body is private and not for any adult to mess with, even a parent. Just my take on it - I know a lot of people don't agree, but just something to think about.
I have teenagers and a 5 year old.
My son 5, went through a phase saying really bad words.
This is a tricky issue.Believe me, when the kids are in Grade school. they hear words from the older kids you won't believe.So even if you don't talk like that at home they will hear it.
I have noticed, the more of a big deal you make, the more they will say it.
He got it out of his system and doesn't talk like that anymore.
I think they are kind of intrigued by it at first, because they see it has an affect on you, and they get attention for it, even if the attention is negative.
Just keep telling him,please we don't talk like that in our house!
You can call the bus company and report the driver,kids will always be horrible on the bus,it's sad but it's reality.
Just keep working on you own child how to handle it, you can't change the other children, because they learn it from their parents..........
I'm not sure if this will work, but maybe you could have your son bring a tape recorder on the bus (hidden) or put it in his backpack. Maybe you'll be able to see if something is happening on the bus. Or you could drive him to school for a while and see if his attitude changes. You can also talk to the social worker at school. Maybe something is going on there.
If there's nothing happening on the bus or driving him doesn't change his behavior then you'll have to address the bad words. There are already other posts about how to handle the backtalking and negative words.
Good luck!
I haven't read any posts, but it was suggested to us that a squirt of either apple cidar vinager or white vinager will do the job in a heartbeat. At about age 4, my son was picking up bad words from another kid at daycare and the provider asked me if it was okay to give him some vinagar. I said sure and that was the last time he ever swore.
My 3 year old daughter just bit my son at daycare and she was given a shot of vinager and said it was they worst thing she ever tasted. She has not bitten since. Unlike soap (what my mom used), vinager is in lots of foods, so it's not poison. I simply take one of those hand disinfecting spray bottles (with a very light mist), wash it out really good and add the vinager. 2 squirts will do the trick and it srays outward so the kids get very little, but enough to know it tastes bad.
My newphew on the other hand swears all the time (as does his parents), when I heard him swear at my house, I asked my sister if I can give him some vinager, she said yes and I gave him 2 squirts. He challenged me and said "yum, that tastes pretty good". So I opened his mouth and said here's another shot, now in some cases, once kids get 3 shots, sometimes their tongue might turn black and fall off". After I said that, he's not sworn in front of me or my kids. I know, it's harsh, but so is my newphew.
Some of you might laugh, but with 4 kids it has worked each time regardless of the child's personality ... and believe me, each of our 4 children are unique.
When a child in our house chooses to use a bad word for the first time, we explain that it is an improper word and if it is said again that the consequence is soap in the mouht. All 4 of tested us on that initial discussion and sure enough, they each chose to say a bad word for a second time and they were led to the bathroom and told to open their mouth and they had to stand there at the sink watching me wet the bar of soap and suds it up. All the time, each child was very remoreful, apologizing over and over, and promising to never do it again. I would then remind them that they had a warning and they made a bad choice and when you make a bad choice in life there are consequences. I then would place the bar of soap in their mouth for the count of 10 and hten remove it. And then tell them to keep their mouth closed for another count of ten. Then I would ask if they understood that when you use bad words in your mouth, you need to have your mouth cleaned with soap. They all understood. Then I would hand them a glasss of water to rinse as often as they wanted to remove the taste. It is not harmful to the child and it is extremley effective! I think only one of our children has had to repeat the bar of soap but never a 3rd time.
I think Victoria is right. He is probably releasing tension and copying behavior he is learning on the bus. Try harder to find a solution. Drive him if you have to. I think these early experiences mold our personalities, and you don't want him to be a "victim".
When I was a kid our bus was a nightmare. There were a couple of bullies on it and they sat in back and reigned over all the other kids and even had lackeys. This was the grade school bus!! The bus driver would scream and tell everyone to shut up, but the bullies would yell back. When 1 particular kid would come onto the bus they would all spit at him while he was trying to find a seat and because of that no one wanted him to sit with them. I was not a target, so I found it unpleasant and scary but not enough to act out. Those poor kids that were picked on (mainly 1 boy)!! It wouldn't surprise me if they acted out at home.
We had problems with our 3 year old saying nasty things to us and had to quit playdates with a 4 1/2 year old neighbor because she was manipulating her and being bossy to the point of bullying. A week or two later we had our sweet girl back. Unfortunately the neighbors don't like us now, but oh well.
My mother and father used spankings and washed my mouth out with soap when I spoke badly, and all that did for me was make me want to get away from them as much as possible. We have never been close. Please don't do this. He's only a 5 year old.
Hope some of this helped.
Hello, Several years ago, I used to work for a bus company and let me tell you parents where not afraid to call in for the littlest thing! So get on the phone and keep calling until something gets done about the problem on the bus. Don't be afaid, im sure there has got to be other parents calling in as well....Good Luck
In our house we have what we call "hot sauce" words. I've never had to actually USE this. Just the threat of getting hot sauce on their tongues keep mine from using bad language.
One solution I didn't see was to let your son act out thru pretend play. Make it a regular time just for you and him. Give him figures/dolls and such, or whatever he picks out and let him play. Let him call the shots and you follow his lead. He needs an outlet for his frustration, sadness and anger. If he can't release it, it'll come out at you and his environment.
I'd also stick with time outs and repeatedly telling him that language is not appropriate and you should be treated with respect. Try not to give him "negative" attention when he talks that way. Just time out, you explain why, he apologizes, hugs and love, move on. Also reward him for having a good day with his language. Give rewards for positive behavior, rather than taking away things.
