My 5 Year-old Boy Still Having Toileting Issues. Does He Need Counseling?

If he's a strong-willed child, then a treat chart should work instead of taking things away. He wants to have control and if he can control what he earns, he should do fine. My son loved baseball so he got a baseball card everytime he pooped in the toilet.

Hi M.,

I will start out to say every child is different. My 7 year old has just stopprd wearing Good Nights about 4 months ago and is in the 1st grade. When he was younger(4)and we would travel we would have to put him in a pull up just so he would poop. He could hold it for days. Now my 2.5 year old started potting on the toilet 7 months ago and the past month has wanted nothing to do with the toilet. I ask if he would like to use it and he response with a No Thank You.

So my point is reward the positive behavior and don't make a big deal over what you see as the problem. Once the focus is on what he is doing right and not what he is doing wrong, his behavior will change. Their body functions are something they can control and if it is a issue for you and it is getting him attention then the behavior is working for him. When he messes up let him know that next time he should harder to do the right thing and then drop it, when he does the right thing make a praise of " Way to go big guy, I am so proud of you, keep up the great work." give him a hug. Just take the stress out of it for him and for you. Also I wonder how your 3 year old is doing with the potty. They can be related.

Wow sounds like you got a nice company to work for. Can't complain there. Anyway about the bathroom issues. Kids have control over nothing in life, except this. And at that age he is very aware of it. Try giving him more choices in life. Like we can have chicken or burgers tonight, what would you like. Or do you want to were the blue shirt or the red shirt. Give him options to choose from. Don't say what do you want for dinner tonight because if he's anything like my son it will be mac and cheese every time. Maybe you have tried this approach already. If not I hope it helps. Good luck.

Hi,

When we were potty training my son didn't want to poop in the toilet either, and I was getting frustrated too. My sister had suggested that when he messed in his pants to have him clean it up (bottom & underwear). They don't like to get their hands dirty nor the fact that they have to clean up their own bottom and having to wash their underwear out. There are consequences to their actions and making them accountable for what they do, it only took a couple of times and it worked!

As a school teacher, I have noticed the effects of peer pressure. Although the teacher may be concerned that the things the other students say may cause psychological problems, those same words may also be a great motivating factor for your son. This may sound horrible, but it might work if you told him you didn't want his friends to see him having accidents. (I would only do this if I knew for SURE that he was only doing it because he is lazy or doesn't care, kind of as a last resort.) Also, I would definitely see if I could find out why he is scared of the toilet. Maybe you could go there together after school to try it out and show him that it's okay.

Hi M.,
Let me just say this: the bigger an issue you make of this (like long talks, counseling, anything to focus his mind on it) the longer you may have this problem.

He's *proven* he can be continent (control his bowel and bladder) for months at a time. This is a "behavior."

I understand you tried making it an "issue" and making it a "non-issue," but what about making it an "expectation?" I "expected" my 2.9 y.o. to use the potty when I was training him, he wasn't perfect, and we still have an occasional "accident," but he got it: we use the potty, not our underpants. (And my son is VERY scared of public toilets.)

You have the right idea, and you're doing great recognizing that your VERY smart son is trying to see who's in charge. You be his Mama!
:)
T

We took my son to get special underware. He really loved Elmo so that is what he choosed. If he messed in his pants they got thrown away. I would make a huge deal about how Elmo doesnt liked to be pooped or peed on and threw them in the trash. I told him when Elmo was gone we were not getting any more back if he kept it up.

It worked he had one pair left and didnt ant to mess them so for a few days he chose other underware just to be safe. He went with out messes and the Elmo were the last clean ones so he had to use them. He didnt have anymore accidents.
I did sneak into the trash and get them back out to wash them. They cost too much to just trash them. So after a week of no accidents they reappeared in his drawer.

my daughter will be 6 this month and she still wears pull-up pants at night and we still have the odd accident during the day also, she is also strong-willed and doesn't realise she can not hold as long as she thinks. what did really help last year was our consultant started her on a very low dose of medicine for bladder spasm, we went from 10-12 accidents a day to none in 24/48 hours, this continued fro 6-9 months on the medicine i then weaned her off it and although we still have the odd accident (as do all small children) we she is more confidant, also while on the medicine it was less stressful for her as well as us, the toilet was not an issue anymore, we did not have to be constantly asking her if she needed the loo or worrying if she is going to have an accident and numerous changes of clothes you have to take with you everywhere, i also found if she is a bit constapated then the accidents increase, i t will get better it is a stressful time for you all, especially when you no doubt have parents telling you how quickly their child did it, as long as he is not embarrased by it kids do say mean things, but all children are different and he is only 5 it will come in time but i do not agree with the teacher i do not think he will have psychological problems, he will look to you for his guidance, if you are fine about it he will be fine about it, easy to say but i do know how you feel. chin up and keeping giving praise when he does do it in the loo.

Hi M. -

You can be your child's own best therapist. Just sit down and talk with him. No judgement, no anger, no punishment. Ask him to describe what it is that makes the toilet at school scarey. Ask him if someone at school has said something about the toilet to him. Sometimes older kids think it's funny to scare little ones in the bathrooms by telling them things like they will be sucked down the drain when they flush the toilet. Or that things can come up out of the toilet when the are sitting on it. This could carry over to home. Punishing him is not going to take away his fear.

You said he "seems to think he can choose when to go...." Have you actually asked him? If not, instead of guessing what might be going on, ask him and let him tell you. He needs to know he won't be punished or judged for what he says and he needs to know he is safe in telling you. Some kids actually threaten little ones and tell them not to tell anyone what they said or they will have the "monster" come get them.

Fear is a huge motivator - that's how so many abusers get away with what they do. Try putting yourself in his place before you talk with him.

Good luck - let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Blessings,

M. M. Ernsberger, HHP
Certified Life Coach
Certified Hypnotherapist
Certified Herbalist

Hi M.
maybe the little guy cant control it. What did the doctor say? If he has bladder issues (which boys can have to) it may not be his fault. check web md. Maybe put him in a pullup and see how he does, if he doesnt like it, it might make him want to use the toilet. Maybe if he sees dad using the toilet and that there is nothing to be scared of...just throwin ideas out there. I have a friend who's son is now 11 and still has bladder issues, she stuggles alot to. Good luck.