My 5 Month Old Won't Let Me Put Her Down

M. I know that it is hard but you are going to have to let her cry it out she aleady knows that you will give inn she can since it already at this age especially at this age. The first two times will be hard but it will get easier if she is dry and already been given a bottle or had a feeding and she seems fine then let her cry.

My perspective on this might sound a little odd, given what I've read of this list so far, but in my experience, when your little one needs to be held, carried around, etc, then she NEEDS it. An empty "tank" (of affection, security, love) needs to be filled, just like an empty belly needs to be filled. The reality is that when you have small children, you DO have to put your own plans on hold somewhat. It might be that you'll spend several days helping your little one over this stage. (And stages at this age pass very, very quickly) If you have a sling, she's old enough at this point to ride on your hip in the sling while you do standing-up things like running the vacuum, going to the mailbox, maybe putting away some laundry. Or, you might have to "park" her in a safe spot, like a playpen, for a few minutes while you set up a task that you can do with her at your feet. I sometimes found when my littles were that age, that I could sit at the kitchen table, nurse the baby just enough to get them happy again, and then sit and pay bills at the table while the baby played on the floor at my feet. Or, you might just have to tell yourself that the most important thing you're accomplishing these days is helping your daughter to feel secure. Again, it's NOT forever, and it's not 24/7. She will at some point each day, be sleepy and take a short nap, or go to bed at night, hopefully at an hour that allows you a little grown-up time. I think that perhaps our culture can set Moms up for frustration with the expectation that you can somehow "train" your baby to stay out of your way so you can carry on with your plans. I guess maybe some babies can be so "trained", but at what cost to their sense of connectedness to their mommies and daddies? As for "spoiling", spoiling is responding inappropriately to a child's requests--giving junk food when the child is hungry, or giving toys when the child wants attention. You can't "spoil" a child by giving them security when they need it. Try to remember that this is a baby with a limited sense of the world. YOU are her world right now. That won't last very long, so enjoy it, and be a loving, comforting world, if you can.

-Val, Mom to four kids, ages 9years old to 16 months, who still doesn't get too much done on her "to-do" list some days.

You can't spoil a 5 month old. She does want your attention and holding. Give it to her. She will gradually feel better and demand it less. She may be going through a growth spurt emotionally and/or physically. The process of attachment is a complicated one and when a baby asks for it, give it. They will separate/individuate from you soon enough, as they build the confidence that you will be there when needed.

You cannot spoil a child by meeting the baby's needs. At four or five months of age, children begin to become insecure because they're becoming aware of a larger world. Hold her. Rock her. Love her. You cannot spoil her! By meeting her needs, you will allow her to thrive rather than needing to develop survival skills. A midwife friend said to me (about twenty years ago), "Any woman who thinks she won't carry her baby in her arms for the first year of the baby's life is going to be very disappointed in motherhood." To me, motherhood is the joy of having a baby in your arms for the first year of life! We need to change our perception in order to enjoy our reality!

Have a wonderful New Year with your baby in arms!

Best wishes,

M. Milos, RN

M., This is pretty typical for this age and my advice is to just go with it as much as you can. When my daughter went through this, my ped told me to just hold her as much as I could and just ride out the phase because by forcing the baby to sit by herself or by not responding to her neediness, you actually run the risk of making her even more clingy and insecure. Sure enough, my daughter's clinginess would subside after a few days and she'd be back to her old independent self, happily playing on her blanket. Then in another few months, she'd get clingy and I'd hold her as much as I could; the phase would only last a few days, maybe a week at most. Now, my daughter is 18 months and she's secure, independent, fearless, and loves playing by herself---and still comes back to me for cuddles every now and then. I know it's hard to get things done with a baby on your hip, or to make dinner with one hand, but in the end it'll be worth it.

It seems to me that this is just one of her clingy stages and she is starting to figure out how to control you. I would continue making sure she has been fed, changed, etc. Then put her down and walk away. Leaving her alone for 15 minutes or so won't hurt. You may have to wear ear plugs though, but she needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her and you need to take care of yourself sometimes. Once she stops crying and is quiet, then go pay attention to her. Training kids is a lot like training animals. The behaviors you reward are the ones you will see again.

M.,
As another post said, sling your baby, cuddle your baby, love your child. Psychologists and mothers agree babies develop a more secure relationship with themselves and the world around them when nestled close to their mother’s body. Cultures throughout the world have wonderful babywearing tools that you can find online. Five months old is still very young to expect a child to sit playing on their own for more than a short time.

A child does not have the capacity at 5 months old to understand that mama is not leaving for good when you go to the bathroom or to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. The best way to reassure your child is to give them what they need. The easiest way is to do it is to wear your child. A sling, mei tei, didymos or wrap is by far the most useful tool to keep your child happy and close to you. A happy and emotionally secure chlld is more likely to grow into a happy, secure, and independent individual.

On the idea of 'crying it out' I ask you to consider this:
If you, and adult, were crying your eyes out and your partner, the person you loved the most in life, walked away from you instead of holding you and letting you calm down how would you feel? Something tells me I'd feel angry, devastated and rejected. To put an infant through these emotions time and time again (since they would have to be 'trained' more than once) I don't think is helpful in the long term. It's true, you may train them not to cry, but at what cost?

This stage will pass. ..... Give your child all the love and cuddles you can. Hold her close, wear her often. She will grow out of this stage and believe me you will see that she will develop into a confident child filled with curiosity for the world around her and with compassion for others. What better gifts could you give your child than the gifts of independence, compassion, and love?

Welcome to the wonderful world of separation anxiety! The good news is 1). She is showing how good a bond the two of you are developing, and 2) it is just a phase, albeit the "velcro" one.

I found it best to just go with the flow, and carried the baby in a sling, backpack, etc. as I did my work at home. And in some circumstances let the daddy deal with the baby, since the separation anxiety doesn't happen there.

Again, this behavior is showing that you are doing things *right* for your baby. Hang in there, this too shall pass!

I am going through the same problem but with twin girls who are 9 months old! Its just a clingy thing I think all babies go through, there brains aren't developed yet to determine and know that when you leave your going to come back, that's the conclusion I came to, what I do is let them get upset for a minute and then go back to reassure them I am coming back, but if you keep going back and picking them up right away shell learn you will do it everytime and then ya got a problem! Lol hope this helps!

Hi M.. She's normal. This is the seperation anxiety all children (with the exception of a few children that have not bonded/attached with their parents/care givers). Children do this between now and about 18 months. Then it is usually replaced by stranger anxiety (although it could go in the reverse). You cannot spoil a baby. As for making it stop, time will do that. Almost anything else you try will cause her to feel unloved. You could try wearing her - that is what I do with my baby (he's 9 months now) because otherwise I'd get nothing done! Also, she will eventually start to do this with Dad and not so much with you, then she'll reverse it again. Good luck and take heart this phase only lasts a short while.

Sling and backpack, sling and backpack. Soon enough she'll be squirming to get down and crawl or toddle.
Babies know what they need, but, unfortunately, their vocabulary is limited, so they have to cry to get it.
Obviously, you need to be able to do housework and live your life, etc. So: the wonderful sling! (and backpack) Baby is held, mama is free, everyone's needs are met!

Penelope Leach, a famous British child psychologist, once said, "Independence comes out of dependency needs being met." That means that your daughter can only move away from you when she feels safe. And to do that, you have to hold her. And hold her. And hold her. Until she has been held enough -- and trust me, that will happen.

You can walk away and leave her to cry it out. However, sooner of later, you will have to deal with this clingy I-need-want-my-mommy stage. I know this first hand from raising three boys.

My first two sons are biologically mine. And I gritted my teeth and held them for during much of their first year. I always felt like I should be doing something else. I wanted them to move away from me. Now (age 15 and 12), they have no problem flying across the country to visit friends or extended family. They can move away from me.

My third son is mine through adoption. We adopted him at 3 1/2, from an orphanage in Romania. When he was an infant, no one held him. When he cried, no one picked him up. He wasn't cuddled and loved -- there were 16+ kids in his nursery. How could the one person meet all their needs?

Now he is 10 years old. He is developmentally about 2 or 3, and probably will never be able to live independently. For first three years he was home, I snuggled him every morning, held him on my lap to watch TV, spoon fed him, and sung him to sleep every night. I had to do all those things for my other sons -- but only until they could do it themselves (1 year or less). My third son took three times that long since nobody did it when he needed it.

Even today he panics if alone too long. He will come bursting from his room to find me. Then he will either drag all his toys and play at my feet or drag me into his room so he can play with them there. He doesn't necessarily want me to play with him -- he just wants me there.

Obviously, your daughter isn't going to experience the deprivation that my son experienced. You'll probably leave her once or twice to cry it out when you can't stand it anymore (I did that with all three boys!) But, trust me, it is important. You can't imagine how important that cuddling, rocking, holding, loving is.

And I haven't even talked about the benefits to your daughter's gross and fine motor development . . . balance skills . . . language skills. . .

Just hold her.