My 28 Month Old Just Started Preschool and Has HUGE Abandonment Issues and FEAR

I think that 2 1/2 yrs old might be a little to young for school. My son had been going to an at home child care since he was 3 months old up until he he was 3 1/2 yrs old. He would constantly tell me " Mommy I want to go to school" I have no idea where that idea came from...so I started to look for preschools in my area and found one that was able to work with my income. He will be in his second year of preschool come Sept. 7th and he loves it!! Maybe you should just give him another year and see if he is ready then. Good Luck!!!

Some kids just have a harder time adjusting than others. My son started daycare at 3 months old. He was fine, and then at 6 months the separation anxiety kicked in. I'm not kidding you, he cried every morning at drop off time right up till the first few months of kindergarten. The thing is, he'd only cry for about 10 min, and then he was fine and playing and having a good time. The day care had a window where parents could peak in, and it's amazing how fast the crying stopped as soon as the parents were out of sight. Right up through preschool he kept it up. And he'd cry every morning even though when it was time to pick him up he'd tell me he wanted to stay and play some more. It broke my heart, but there was just nothing I could do about it. I couldn't quit my job, but despite all the crying, he was fine and he so enjoys school.

Your 28 month old is basically, for all intents and purposes, 2-1/2 years old.
He has never been to daycare, preschool, or even a babysitter's house a single moment in his life.
Why is it a surprise that all the sudden, being taken somewhere for 4 hours a day is freaking him out?
I understand parents who never want to leave their babies or small children with anyone, but not doing so leaves them unprepared for a situation like this.
I think your son will be fine once he figures out that mommy and daddy will always be back to get him, but it might take a while.
You can't toss a kid who's never been in the water off the side of a boat and expect them to swim like a fish. They're going to panic.
Of course he isn't interested in being told what to do or be away from his parents or home where he rules the roost.
No kid is going to volunteer for that.
Hindsight is 20/20, but I think you should just stick with it. Keep the drop off times to a minumum. The longer you hang around or feed into things, the longer it will take. As long as he's not hitting or biting anybody at school, let him stay there.
From the sounds of it, he does need to be around other children and other situations and structure. Don't sabotage it. Be positive about the new schedule, praise him for doing well and making it through the day and keep the drop offs short.
I did daycare for years and the kids were fine if the parents were fine.
Happy and positive.
You can't undo the fact that he's never been left before in his life in the matter of a week.
Allow him to adjust.

I was you and my son was just like your son. Surely he is not the only child having a little adjustment period. All kids are different. never let him see you upset over the school issue. Keep your attitude upbeat and positive about school. I'm sure you already know this stuff. He'll get it. I don't think there has ever been a documented case of a child having permanent damage over starting pre-school! lol
It will be good for him in so many ways.
There ARE instances when the teachers may advise you to wait another year, but they have dealt with this with many, many kids, and unless it gets to that point where THEY are telling you to yank him out, leave him in.
My son woke up on his second day of second grade begging to stay home (???!!!) Guess what, the 3rd day there were no issues.
Hang in there. Let the teachers do what they do. He'll be ok.

I think you need to give him some time. He has only gone for 3 days and that is a hard age to make that transition. I have seen many kids come into my son's class that used to stay at home and it can take 2-3 weeks to fully adjust. I would talk to him and let him know what is going on, that you are coming back, and when you do, say, "See, I said I was coming back.", etc. For awhile, my son needed an activity too, from racing cars to washing hands, to blowing bubbles. It will get better.

Just wanted to clarify that the activity wasn't a distraction while I snuck away. The teacher would ask if he wanted to wash his hands, for example. I would have him come give me a hug and kiss before that, say goodbye and leave while he went off to wash he hands. He knew I was leaving, but it made the transition a bit easier.

I had a friend whose son was like this entering kindergarten. He also had never been in preschool, and was with mom or his aunt and never other sitters. The mom basically stayed with him at school for the first two weeks. She just went to school with him for two weeks. Then the following weeks she would stay for the first hour or two, and tapered it to less and less time. Finally, she stopped staying, and he transitioned fine.

If your son is so upset he's throwing up, then he needs more support from you to make the transition. While I agree preschool is probably going to do wonders for him, if he has to go there and be terrified all the time, it's not going to do anything. Sounds like you already know this though.

He just needs extra support, and I'm certain in time he will relax and enjoy himself there. Please do check back and let us know how it turns out.

Best regards,
B.

I just read the other responses and they're good. Remember that even though your boy is starting school, he is only two years old! Now he's suddenly in a different world, and he isn't sure he likes it. So he wants to go back to the routine he's used to.

He's been in one place with one set of people (his parents). To go from a "self-centered" environment (I'm not using the term in a mean way, but he IS the center of things at home!) to a new environment where he is one of a group is a huge leap. From what you say, I don't know if he's really terrified or just an unhappy camper! (Or a mix of both.)

It could be that if you all hang on long enough for him to find a friend, things could settle down (and then you can have arrange play dates, expanding your son's horizons even more).

Be extra patient - firm and friendly at the same time. But don't let your boy's tears get to you unless the teachers suggest it. A big part of the solution is TIME. I'm thankful to know that the teachers understand and are doing their best to help.

If you're a SAHM, why not send him part time, like 3 days a week? He's anxious because he doesn't know any caregiver but you. Totally normal and predictable reaction.

Probably trying to leave him for shorter periods of time? Maybe just one hour for one week and then increasing the time. As said before, each child is different and maybe he needs more time to adjust. I think, even if he has to deal with it, it is to soon to put him through such tension. Trembling? Try baby steps first

Unless there is some reason he needs to be there EVERY day of the week, I would try to cut it back to 2-3 days per week. He's so young to be in school every day if it isn't necessary. My son is 27 months old and I have him in a Mom's Day Out program 2 days per week from 9-2. Even his big sister, who is 4 1/2 only goes 2 1/2 days per week to preschool. My son was in daycare for several months every day, full time, because I was going through cancer and chemo treatments and couldn't take care of him, but I would not have done it if it weren't necessary. I think 2 days per week is more than sufficient to get him socialized with other kids and give you a bit of a break.

Having said that, he will still need time to adjust. I would give it more than 3 days. Also, I'm sure that his speech delay is not helping the situation since he can't communicate, so the speech therapy will likely help there. In the meantime, can you try teaching him some basic sign language? At his age, I'm sure he would pick it up pretty quickly. It may help him to try to communicate and have less anxiety. I'm sorry he's having such a tough time. Be assured that this is probably normal for a child his age who has never been exposed to any other caretakers. Give him more time to warm up to his new environment. It will likely take at least a couple of weeks.

Hello A.,

Preschool is a huge transition for any child, and a child with speech delays isn't able to communicate his wants and needs verbally, thus the behavior that is showing up. Three days is not enough time for him to understand what the school offers if he is spending most of that time crying and resisting. Imagine if you were in this state of resistance, would you be receptive to anything? Even your favorite dessert? No. Until he calms down, which is his job, no one will be able to judge his placement. When working on behavior modification, in this case having your son stop his crying when being dropped off at school, he will escalate the undesirable behavior while you be consistent with yours. I'm not seeing consistency with 3 days. Seems like your son will need two to three weeks of your same consistent drop off procedure in order for him to get the picture. Are you secure with the teachers and the school? If not than don't bother.

Does he resist transition in other cases? Like a difference in routine? Going to the store, unexpected visitors, spontaneous outings? Is he picky about certain types of clothing? Does he resist brushing his teeth or his hair?

Good luck,
Wendy

I'd ask the teachers their thoughts and honest feeling about the situation.

Every kid is different. My daughter didn't want to socialize for a long time. I forced her to meet a few kids in the neighborhood while I was around and slowly would sneak away to use the restroom (my house was across the street from her friend's) and the other mom helped me with the break in process of my daughter socializing. She didn't start school until she was 4 because I knew she'd react badly to it when younger.

My son on the other hand (my kids are 5yrs apart in age)... Mr. Social Butterfly from day one. The only time we have an issue in the morning with him and school is if none of his little friends are there yet. He just turned 2 this past July.

28 months is still such a young age, I think you should cut it back to maybe 2 or 3 times a week to have him ease into it, especially if you are a SAHM. It's such an abrupt change for him from being home with you all the time to going 5 days a week and 2 or 3 days would probably be plenty for him to develop social skills, make new friends and learn to interact with others. My 9 yr old daughter did not go to preschool at all and was only watched by close family and she was ready for kindergarten from day one, so it also just depends on their little personalities i think. But he just does not sound ready. Yes i'm sure he needs more time to adjust, but if he is having that bad of a reaction, i would respond to it. I wouldn't worry that it's going to teach him that you are giving in or rewarding his tantrum, he's still so young and it's about his confort level and feeling of security. Good luck!

I think you just need to give it some more time. Today was only day 4, correct? If he's NEVER been away from you before it could take a few weeks. I do think on the dropping off your husband needs to choose a routine (best one is to leave quickly) and stick to it. If some days he leaves quickly and some days he stays, your son will be confused and it will take longer.

I think it's great that they have the extra teachers available, but would it be possible for one to stay with him the entire time for a week or so instead of 4 of them working in shifts? It just sounds like he needs structure and a routine that he can count on and right now things are changing a lot in his world.

Good luck,
K.

I just picked up on something after having read this a few times. It's the part about him ruling the roost and not listening to you half of the time and his naughty behavior. I think that you and your family will be happiest if first he learns to listen to you and then you send him off to school when he is older and more ready. 2 yrs old just seems way too young for 20 hrs of school each week and for ruling the roost. Remember you are Mom and you are the boss. It would be so much easier for you at home and him once he goes to school if you figure out how to modify his behavior. Don't rely on a school, no matter how wonderful it is, to teach him how to behave because when the school day is over he will come home and need to know how to behave with you in charge.
I have an only child son, too. He is the happiest, sweetest boy in the world. He didn't rule the roost, Mom did. If he ever would have hit me or bitten me or thrown his toys, (or hit the dog!?) he would have been put in a time out or have his toys taken away for a while. Now that he is older if he is naughty we just threaten to take away a few minutes of his computer time if his behavior doesn't change. Try to find what he values and use that in your favor.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but like I said I think now and in the future things could be so much easier at home and at school if Mom and Dad take control instead of your little guy.

I just left my almost 3-year-old at preschool for the first time this morning - he's a lot like your son. We said our goodbyes and I peeled him off me and left while his teacher knelt beside him with her arm around his waist to keep him from from bolting out the door. I could hear him howling all the way to the car. So we'll see.

I'd give your kiddo more time to adjust to this new situation. Say, til the end of the month. If he's reactions are still this strong after 4 solid weeks of school, then he's probably not ready. In the meantime, find out what the routine is at school and try to mimick it on the weekends as best you can (so he sees that mom and dad and his teachers all have the same rules). For example: if they are teaching him at say "May I be excused?" after meals, encourage him to do that at home, too. Have your husband practice goodbyes with him on the weekend (i.e.: before Dad leaves to go for a run, he'll give your son a BIG hug, BIG kiss, and a high five - and then out the door) And then the same at the school all week - no lingering after the high five. I'd also recommend no "sneaking away" while your son is engaged in an activity. My child searches for me after I leave - wandering through the house, crying. If I say, "I'm leaving - I'll be back soon, I love you!" and then i go - he's a basketcase for a few minutes and then he recovers.

It sounds like your son's teachers are committed and have great communication with you. I'd encourage you to stick with and ride it out. I think your kiddo will learn to love his preschool.

Oh - if you don't have a copy of "The Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn, get one! It's a wonderfully illustrated story about a little raccoon who is scared to leave his mom to go to school, and she reassures him and gives him a kiss in his palm to take with him. It's beautiful. We read it every night!

Let us know how things go!