My 2.5 Year Old Does Not Want to Listen (Most of the Time)

Ugh!!! Us, too! My daughter, who will be three in October, is the same way. What works best for us (I also have a seven-month-old), is a "break." Sometimes, she'll go hang out with Grandma and Grandpa, or one of her aunts. Sometimes she even stays overnight. When she comes back, I'm refreshed and ready to "deal" again. Plus, it gives me some extra bondng time with the baby. Everywhere I've read says they outgrow it. Hang in there... Me, too! ;oD

I have a 3 year old boy (just 3 endo of July). He also doesn't listen most of the time either. It is their way of testing you and trying to become an individual. It should be a phase. Just keep telling him that he is not allowed to throw or do whatever it is he shouldn't be doing and then give him the reason. It will hurt someone or himself or it will break things, whatever the reason is. My son is also going thru jelous spots with his little sister. It is normal. My son also is full of energy ALL day EVERYDAY. He is on the go constantly and doesn't tend to slow down until he goes to bed. He is very active. Hope this helps and good luck. Enjoy this time with your children because you will miss this at some point.

I am in the same boat you are. My son is almost 2.5 and he is having crazy behavior. Running around the house screaming, throwing objects, and then laughs about it. He also has become really rough when he is playing. I wish I could give you some advice but just to let you know that you are not alone and I am looking forward to reading your responses. Maybe it is just a phase and we have to be consistent with discipline and explaining the right way to behave. Good luck to you.

Two things from the uncommon view of parenting (yes, I know, lots of people disagree with everything I say, I'm okay with that):

1. the time alone with your older lad is sending him a mixed message, one of intentionally exclusing the brother for his benefit, which makes his brother's presence look like a problem, and

2. telling children what not to do simply doesn't work, their minds can't hold the 'don't' only the rest of the instructions, so you're inadvertently following him around telling him to throw things. Btw, this is true of everyone else, too... it's almost impossible to 'don't' anything, but it is possible to 'do' all kinds of things: remember to do this, put things down gently, use words, touch your brother kindly, etc...

It will take everyone in your home some time to get to know this new human and his preferences and communication style, and the period of adjustment will only be really easy to the person whose temperament is the most like his. Everyone else will be shaking their heads, getting really frustrated or just being confused a lot of the time for another couple of months at least.

Oh, one other thing: if your older boy's experience of his little brother's presence is that now he can't do all kinds of things and there are all sorts of restrictions on what he can do, he's going to become more and more anxious over time which will further degrade his behaviour. Clear out your house (and lifestyle) so that it is okay for him to safely explore his world without a million 'no's every week.

S.,
We went through this with our son, who is now 8. We found that when he threw something, we would give a warning that he needed to pick it up and stop throwing or we were going to take away whatever he threw. Of course this led to another item to come flying out. So we would say "you had your warning" and we would calmly pick up anything he threw and place it on top of the refrigerator or some other place that he couldn't reach but that he could see. After a day or 2 he would start asking for his stuff back. We would always say no the first time, then the next day we would have a talk about throwing and why it is not ok to throw. It took about a month of consistancey, but it worked.
My son is an only child, but my mom told me that when I was little, I was very jealous of my baby brother. I would hide in my room and not talk to anyone. Then an aunt came and took me out for a special me day, all day my brother wasn't mentioned, until the car ride home. At that time, she said to me, "after we show mommy and daddy the stuff we bought today, and we take it to your room to put it away, will you show me your brother and tell me about taking care of him and how you help?" From that point on, my brother was "my baby" and I was very helpful to my mom, I would wind his swing, give him toys, talk and sing to him, and my mom said that after he became "my baby" I was very protective of him.
Hope some of that helps.
K.

Sounds pretty typical actually...although my daughter (who is now almost 5) didn't hit the terrible two's until she was three. We had a GREAT second year and then WHAM out of nowhere it hit shortyly after she turned three. Now my son is two and a half and he hit this stage just about a month ago. Up until that point he was just the sweetest little guy I have ever seen, now...well he is still sweet but the temper tantrums have increased along with the use of his favorite word "NO" and the throwing and hitting etc. I agree with the post that said to sit down (get down on the floor and look them right in the eyes) and tell them that they can't do that...but you have to be consistent and depending on how strong willed he is you may need the strength and time to simply outlast him. Also the whole distraction thing works wonders...most of the time. The whole sillyness (sp?) thing I'm confused on though....is that something you disapprove of? I not sure exactly what you meant with that...so I don't want to offend but it seems to me that he's two and sillyness is just part of the territory?

As for the jealousy...I had a co-worker once who said she would buy gifts for the older sibling and tell them it was from the baby...she explained that the baby loved and needed their big brother very much...also does your little guy help with the baby. He might not be able to do much but if he could help hold the bottle or throw a diaper in the trash..or bring the wipes to you...little stuff like that, it should make him feel like the big brother he really is and he'll feel involved and apart of the whole process. Just a few idea's hope they helped!

If this started when the new baby came, he may be acting out for attention. You need to calmly, without showing alot of emotion, remove whatever he threw and sit him down. Pretty much discipline him without paying alot of attention to him when he acts up, and when he does something good, give him the attention he's craving, praise him and tell him how good he's being. Let him know he's not going to get attention for doing something wrong, and give him hugs and cuddles for doing things right. Involve him in taking care of his little brother, like having him hand you diapers or wipes, just little things to make him feel involved. I'm not saying ignore the throwing, just camly deal with it without a big reaction. I have a neice and nephew, when my nephew was born, my neice started doing all kinds of things like this for attention, and because she got a reaction from her mom, the behavior escalated instead of getting better. The advice about taking the toys away is also good, pretty soon he'll have nothing left to throw, and will learn very quickly. When he throws food, take that away too, stating he must not be hungry anymore if he's throwing it. He'll learn very fast that it's not acceptable to throw food.

Be loving, consistent, and firm, but give him lots of attention when he's being good. Catch him being good and reward him. Be calm, firm, and follow through when he's acting out. Don't let him get your goat! You and your husband have to be united in showing him that you value him but won't let him run your house. Too much power will make him feel insecure. Some of this is developmental and some is the baby.

When my daughter hit the "terrible twos" I took adive from my sister (who ironically has no kids, but works in a special education classroom). She told me that as soon as you see behavior that is not acceptable, get down to their level and explain to them that acting like that is not appropriate. The trick is discipling the behavior when they do it because trying to correct behavior an hour later simply won't work. Stay clear of words that you don't want them repeating, and if there is some act that they should never do (like hitting for example), have them sit in a chair in the corner for as many minutes as they are old (2 minutes for a 2 year old). When you do this time out method, you have to be firm and you have to ignore them. If they move out of the chair, don't say a word and simply take them by the hand and put them back in the chair.
Another trick that mu husband and I use is the 1-2-3. We ask her to do something the first time and she doesn't listen, we warn her, and then warn her again, and when we get to 3 it's time out.
This worked wonders with my daughter. She is now 3 1/2, she says please and thank you, she behaves very well in public (for the most part...they all have bad days), and most of all...she actually listens to us!
Hope this helps.

We had a similar situation with our youngest daughter (obviously, there wasn't a younger sibling in the picture). What we learned, after seeking advice on this site, was that she was looking for attention - any form we would give her. When she started being naughty, or throwing a temper tantrum (her favorite thing to do) we would simply send her to her room. Our rooms are upstairs, so although it worked like time out - we couldn't hear her. If we couldn't hear her, or see her, then she quickly learned that it wouldn't work. She was told that she couldn't come downstairs until she could behave. The first few times, she would stay up there a while, totally upset because we "left her". However, we noticed that each time we had to send her to her room she was there a shorter and shorter period of time. Now it's to the point that when she reaches the stairs (mid-way or top at the most) she decides that she can behave. At that point, we give her some one on one cuddle time and explain to her what acceptable, and unacceptable, behavior is.

We've also employed a "Three Strikes" rule. For every mis-behaving episode we take something away. The ultimate, and third strike, is her night time sleep toy. If it's a particularly rough day, we may have to get creative and go beyond three strikes. However, usually both girls straighten up by the second strike - because they LOVE their sleep toys and Heaven forbid they spend the night with mommy!!

Hopefully, these work for you!! Good luck.

Aren't we all a little crazy? :)

My friends son had issues with her son throwing and telling her no... what she did amazed me. She would sit down with him at that moment and explain that we don't throw, and then do something else with him like color or read a book. Distraction and reinforcing positive things really worked, he doesn't throw anymore and he was repeating no because he was told that a lot... so she doesn't use that word anymore.

Hi S.,

I have a 2 year old son and I also work with toddlers. Having said this, I still find this age to be challenging! In addition to just being a toddler, your child has a new sibling which is a huge transition in his little life.
I have a friend with a 2 1/2 year old little boy & a 4 month old baby. She's having the EXACT same problems.

Here are some of the techniques I recommended to her:

Make sure to pick your battles. If your son is doing a naughty behavior, he may just be trying to get negative attention.

Ignore behaviors that aren't dangerous/destructive. I sometimes walk in the other room until my son stops a naughty behavior.

Redirect him often. This is the #1 technique that early childhood educators use with this age group. If he's having a hard time playing with puzzles, redirect him to a new/different toy or activity.

Give him a lot of praise. Especially after a time-out or after he's been naughty. Example "Joey, I really like how you're playing with your train. It makes mommy happy when you use your nice hands!"

As you probably already know, he's going to need more attention because of the new sibling. Boys this age really need a lot of large motor activity. A good way to get some one-on-one time with him would be to take him outside regularly to run/jump/climb etc. (you might already be doing this). This might also help him to get out any aggression he's feeling.

This is a phase that will pass. Good Luck! Lots of deep breaths! :)

Cognitively, he's probably not ready to listen or to understand the 'why' of things. Two sites I LOVE for discipline ideas for toddlers are GOYB.com (get off your butt parenting, love the name!), and AOLFF.org. AOLFF is a Christian-based site. GOYB is run by a Christian lady as well, but isn't so overt about it. Both have great resources for what kind of teaching and discipline actually works at different age levels. Your 2.5yo sounds pretty normal -- his attention span is very short, he has NO control over anything in his life, and he doesn't know how to control or deal with his emotions. That is not to say you have to let him run all over you, just that typical 'consequence' type discipline, even spanking, will probably not be very effective.

I suggest tuning in every Wed. 9 p.m. for Supernanny. She gives excellent advice.

Consistency. You put up rules, you explain them, and if there's a violation you put them on the naughty chair or stair step for however old the kid is in minutes. Do not give them the satisfaction of paying attention to the child when the naughty place is being used. When time's up you explain why they had to sit there. Get an apology and a hug. If they get off the naughty seat before time's up, you consistently put them back there and walk away.

Make a game out of cleaning his mess. And if he continues to throw stuff around, that's grounds for the naughty seat too.

Sure he's jealous of baby sibling. Been there done that. So while you're tending to the baby, have him get involved in coloring right next to you, maybe, and you can give attention to both kids. Otherwise, when the baby is down for the count, then you can pay attention to your older one.