My 20-Month-old "Pulls" My Hand When He Wants My Attention

Hi B., I have the same thing going on with my 22 month old. (I also have a 5 month old) and I usually go with him, to give him that special time, and then if I am busy with my daughter, then I just tell him that Iam busy with sissy right now, but when I am done, mommy will play with you. He usually whines a little bit but then he is okay... try to redirect him or just tell him no and then stick to it. that is the key stick to what you tell him and concistancy. I guess that is the only advice I can give you. Good luck

Take a look at your son......he is only 20 months old. Yes, he can play on his own, but at this age a majority of his daily play is going to be geared towards human interaction. He needs you more than ever now. Try the "play and leave" method if you can't spend a blocked off amount of time with him. This where you start playing with him and then after a few minutes, tell him that you'll be right back and that you need to check the laundry or whatever. Leave him for a few minutes and then go back and interact with him again. Eventually stay away for longer periods of time (5 minutes leads to 8 minutes leads to 10 and so on.) He will be happy that he has his mommy's attention and he will soon begin to understand that he can play on his own and that he can do things by himself.

I went through something similar with my child when I was working FT. My daughter would always pull and tug on me when I got home - of course I was trying to make supper, change, look at the mail (etc). So, what worked best for me was the minute I got home, I told my daughter that I was going to play with her for 15 mintues. I would set the timer and once the timer went off, she would have to play while I got supper ready. I didn't do ANYTHING else other than play with her for those 15 mintues. When the timer went off, she knew it was time for mommy to do something else and handled it pretty well.

I also had my second child this year, and juggling the two went much better than I expected. I used the same strategy - if I needed to nurse, I told my daughter that she would play by herself for 20 minutes, and after that, I would play something with her (Candyland, etc). That gave her something to look forward to, but also gave me the time to bond with my new daughter. After about two weeks, she got use to me needing to spend time with baby and didn't need the constant "reward".

Good luck!

Never give in to a tantrum. When he first comes to you, take a minute to really think about it. If his need for your attention at this time is greater than your need for rest or whatever else you are doing, then grumble if you have to, but find a way to satisfy him. If you just can't do it, don't feel guilty. Explain that you're sorry, but mommy has needs too, and right now mommy needs to rest. If applicable, ask if he wants to sit with you, or show you how he plays, but as you know, he needs to learn to play by himself too.

I have a nephew who also takes people's hands rather than speaking to get their attention, and it's not a bad thing. (Would you really rather he shout from across the room when you are trying to get new baby to sleep?) It means he is more of a listener, and I'll bet he understands a lot better, too.

Hi B.,

I understand your situation completely. My 2 year old does the same thing and I don't always want to play. But I have to tell myself that he's only 2 and that he's not going to need me forever. The day will come when I'm barely a blip on his radar. I don't think you're giving in to him by giving him attention. He really needs it right now, especially when his world is going to be rocked in about a month.
Now, I don't want you to feel guilty for your feelings, like I said, I get that way too. Sometimes I am so tired, I can't wait until bedtime (and I'm not pregnant, so I can only imagine). When I just can't get going or I'm not able to go with my son, I tell him to start playing and I'll be there by the time he counts to 10. That' gives me enough time to finish whatever I need to and syke myself up for playtime. And sometimes I take the lazy way out, I tell him to bring whatever he wants to do to me and we can do it on the couch or wherever I feel comfortable. But don't beat yourself up if you can't ALWAYS play. Moms need breaks, too. And playing solo is a wonderful thing for children to learn. It'll come, don't worry. My son just started to really play solo at about 23 months (he's 26 months now).
I hope this helps a bit and Congratulations on your new baby!

Hi, My 17 month old grandaughter does the exact thing. She says "come on" and pulls my hand. I think it is because they can't exactly tell you what it is they want, so they want you to go and get it for them. I think your son will get over this soon. I always ask her, "what do you want" and she will take me to what she wants and I say the item over and over and try to make her repeat it to me. So next time I will ask her if she wants a cup of water or what ever it is she wants. She is beginning to tell me what she wants, but still wants me to go with her, and I have to most of the time to get it for her. I think of it as a learning experience for her. Good luck to you.

If you are giving him quality time at some times, then at others he should be able to play on his own. Maybe you could offer for him to crawl onto your lap instead and snuggle, explaining how tired you are.

Is there any way you could work less and be with him more, so you could train him to entertain himself without feeling guilty?

Distinguish between hurt and harm. Just because he's sad or angry doesn't mean he's being harmed. He may need to feel those negative emotions without being rescued.

I'm no expert, but maybe one of these thoughts might be helpful.

It sounds like he really needs your attention. Maybe offer to read a book to him or play with another toy where he can bring it to you and you can do it together. Create a ritual of come sit with Mommy and play time so that when your new baby arrives you can have this pattern established and will be better able to give them both what they need.

At this age, he DOES need mom. They don't really get very independent until they are about 3. I really suggest continuing to let him pull your hand (He is, after all, a short guy), and it's a lot better to pull your hand, then scream.

To continue to tell him that he doesn't need mom, this will result in low self-confidence, and he will feel less loved. I understand that you are having another baby, I have several children including 16 month old twins but I have never let one of my children go unnoticed, and I have never told any of my children that they don't need me. I hope that my children will always come to me, for guidance, support, and love. There isn't a fine line between independence, and needing support. Sometimes people just need attention or someone to talk to.

Especially a child of that age. He still needs you. For everything. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to say that he isn't at an age to be completely independent, and when he needs you, be there for him because he needs that.

I know when my daughter was about 2 she wasn't talking as much as she should either, since we would give in to the grunts and whines. So the only way we would do what she wanted was if she "used her big girl words", her speech therapist told us to always say this, and sometimes they don't have the words but they try to use them and then you try and teach them the appropriate way to talk.

Also, don't give in to temper tantrums. We had to start a behavior jar. We have a box of poler chips and a jar. When she is caught being really good she gets to put a chip in the jar, when she is bad we take chips away. Whining (after being warned) and not listening to mom and dad gets them taken away. When she fills the jar, she gets a small treat.

These things could help cut down on temper tantrums. Just make sure you are spending some one on one time with him. If you are and he still insists on pulling on you and throwing temper tantrums, he will know that there are punishments that go along with this behavior. Also, if you don't already, around 2 is the age our pediatritian said was best to implement them. Sometimes even by 1- 1 1/2.

I'm guessing that your son understands 90% of what you say. Try to communicate with him in a relaxed but forceful nature. Next time he pulls on your hand simply get down to his level, look him in the eye and explain that you would love to come play with him but need to ___________. He can choose to go play by himself or wait for you to finish your activity. Then do something for literally 30 seconds (remember 30 seconds is an eternity to a 20 month old) and then go play with him. When you go play with him thank him for waiting for you and reassure him that you love to play with him. Feel free to have him wait a little longer each time. Hopefully he'll gain some independence and some confidence through this process. He's going to need it in another month when baby bro/sis comes along. Good luck!

My 22 month old does the same thing, as she pulls me hand, she says "hand." It's not as bad now because I've been trying something new. She usually wants something to snack on from the pantry, so when we get there, she points out what she wants. I verbalize the item for her, and tell her to say it. Like, "oh, you want a cookie? Then you need to say "cookie, please, Mama", "not hand". It's been working pretty well, except that she still does it at least a few times a day. I am 30 weeks preggers, so I also wish this would stop! Thank God for my husband and kids, cause they help out most of the time!

I would start by using words to ask him if that's what he wants. Say something like, "what? You want mommy to come with you? or "You want mommy to play?". Then start asking him to "use his words". I have 2 kids spaced about as far as yours are and I remember how difficult it was with the lack of speach, but now he's almost 3 and his language just has started to explode since about 3 or 4 months ago! Your son will proably start talking more in the next coming months, probably around 25 months.

Just remember to try to get him to talk. He may not be able to get the whole sentence out, but he should be able to say a word or two to get the point accross. If you force the issue that you want him to use his words, it should help. That's what we had to do...we just kept saying, "I don't understand your grunting...tell mommy what you want. Use your words". Because we knew he knew the words for some of the things.

Also, don't give in to the tantrums...that's just reinforcing if he has one you will do what he wants. Start ignoring them, if they are getting on your nerves(I know my son's do), bring him to his room/crib and tell him he has to stay there until he's done and that he's hurting your ears. Then leave-of course make sure the room is fully child proof first- and he'll get bored with the tantrum soon enough.

Moms with older children sure understand where you are at right now. However, that is the way your child knows to get your attention or to show your something. Indulge the child for a bit and then quietly leave. You will accomplish 2 things: 1) fun time with your baby, and 2) teach your child it's ok to play with mommy for awhile, but mom does need to do other things and child will learn to play more by self. Children that age are exploring EVERYTHING! I babysat prior to moving away for almost a year for a set of twin girls and their younger brother who was 18 months younger. My child was 7 weeks older than their brother. Anyways, she was a very busy mom that was also working and when the kids would "pull" at her, she'd stop what she was doing (most of the time) and set the timer for 10-15 minutes. When that timer went off, eventually, they knew it was time to play with just each other or quietly on their own...

It took by daughter quite awhile to catch on, but as she got older, the less she's needed me. So now when she calls for me, I go and play with her as it just makes the whole process more enjoyable for all of us.

My 18-month old daughter does this too. I've decided that she does it when she's bored or just wants some attention. When I stand up to go with her she usually just puts her arms up for me to pick her up. I usually just try to find her an activity - like coloring or building with blocks to occupy her.

If you're really tired try getting him to sit with you while you read stories or if you do blocks you can sit on the floor with him.

You're a good woman having another baby with a toddler. I just can't bring myself to do that just yet! (Daughter is pulling me right now :)

I have a seven year old daughter and am due in June. I was talking to her about how I was worried about explaining to my daughter that I am busy with the baby and can't do what she wants me to do when she wants it - but saying it in a nice way. She told me that she told her son, "Moms hands are busy right now". Then to your son it won't sound like the baby is coming "first". Good luck!

Hi B....I have 3 kids, ages 4 and under, and I totally understand what you're going through. But your 20 month old, even though he is just a little guy, senses you have less energy for him now than you used to. It's just hard for him to understand. My advice would be to play with him as much as you can now...because the alone time with him will be drastically reduced when your 2nd chid is born. You want him to know that he is special and valued. Even with baby #2 born, you need to make sure you get alone time wtih your older child so he knows that he isn't being 'replaced' and that he is still just as important to you as he was before the new baby was born. Good luck!