My 2 Year Old Is REALLY Trying My Patience

yikes!!! wait til she's 3, that's WAY worse.....my only suggestion is to be firm & very consistent....best wishes

Hey G.,

I've found (although I have boys) that keeping my self calm and restrained + rewarding good behavior immediately + removing my attention, any toys and any causes for tantrum = an easier day.

What I mean is that I learned the hard way that yelling, mean faces (even on accident), spanking/swatting, and voice intensity (like, maybe you're not yelling but you're intimidating with your voice and demeanor).... all of those things A) made everything worse and WORST of all - taught them all of that awful behavior! Before I knew it I was seeing ALL of it reciprocated in them, and it embarrassed me.

Now I do these things - maybe they'll help you too (we did a lot of crying till we puked and kicking and punching so... I'm right there with you!)

I say 'No' calmly and matter-of-factly. "This?" pointing to a cookie - "No." with a gentle "No" shake of my head. Tantrum immediately follows. I ignore him completely. No talking. No comforting. No "Oh look at THIS toy!!".... I leave the room. You cannot control what your child will feel - you just can't. When she's mad... she's mad. BUT she does NOT have to have an audience.

When mine threw up, I cleaned it up and kept silent, mainly to keep my composure and resist the urge to react. Reacting to a child is bad form, really. You're the adult. You are the mom. You set the tone of the entire house. By letting your child cause a blow up from you, you are showing that you aren't in control, and that if they just keep trying long enough, they'll at least get a rise out of you.

They've learned to come and find me once I've left. Sometimes (more recently) there is no my crying. And I'll ask, "Are you finished?" ..but not in an ugly way... its a genuine question. If they collapse into another fit... I leave again. Go do some laundry or wash the dishes. Clean the tub if you have to - just stay busy. There are more important things than screaming 2 year olds - and once she sees that tantrums get her NOTHING but an empty room and a snotty nose.... things will change.

I agree with the SuperNanny suggestion. Jo Frost has some wonderful techniques that I use and that I trust. They don't involve punishment or shameful behavior - but still teach discipline.

Hang in there!!

ALL behavior is a means to get our needs met. Defiance, whining, pouting, tantrums – also affection, snuggling, humor. Any particular behavior may not be a good strategy, and for little ones, it's often a bad strategy. Children throw tantrums, scream and kick – not as a deliberate, planned manipulation (at least, not those first tantrums), but as an intuitive way to try to meet their own NEEDS, one of which is to let out frustration when it becomes too much for them. Depending on the results they get, tantrums may stick around or eventually go away.

If your daughter senses that she has hooked you emotionally, she feels at least a little more powerful. Even a negative reaction from you tells her she's had an effect. Because she is feeling very little power, it's very, very attractive. She'll gratefully take any power and control in whatever form she can find it.

So before deciding how to deal with her behavior, I'd try this: stand in her shoes and consider life from her angle. Notice all the frustrating, controlling, maddening and discouraging situations for a new little person with little choice and limited language. From there, you might find creative ways to reduce as many of those frustrations as possible. This in turn should reduce her negative strategies to deal with her own frustration.

I hope you will NOT to think of her feelings as "wrong." She really doesn't choose them, any more than you "choose" to feel angry when she throws yet another tantrum. Anger and frustration are natural, and completely legitimate. If you discourage them by shaming or punishing, the feelings won't go away, they'll just go underground and emerge in some other way.

There are tricks you can use to reduce a child's frustration level, and tantrums will gradually happen less often. This reduces your own frustration as she feels more cheerful and cooperative. Things that have really helped my 4yo grandson are:

… 1. Making the tasks we need from him become a game, or pleasant. For example, can he teach spiderman to swim underwater in the bathtub? Can he find the small toy you planted inside a sleeve (make it the second sleeve, of course). Can he help me pick out the bedtime story you'd like to hear?

… 2. Participating in a task, like picking up toys, alongside him, with a cheerful attitude. This is really important. It keeps him from experiencing the task as joyless and lonely and too big to accomplish by himself. (And you know yourself that when you have negative feelings about a job, it becomes much bigger.)

… 3. Giving advance notice that you'll need to have X done pretty soon. Then notice again that X will need to happen in one more minute. Then time for X arrives, at which point, I move into steps 1 and/or 2. Transitions tend to be hard for young children, and this helps them prepare emotionally.

… 4. When something really must happen now, be as inevitable as the tides. The ocean doesn't get hung up on judgement, resistance, drama or anger. It just rises, calmly and implacably. If my grandson won't get his jacket on, or come to the table, or pick up the toy cars after my final request, I get the jacket, or guide him to the table, or bring him back to the toys and make a game of picking them up. All gently, with a smile. My attitude can make the difference between a long, drawn out episode or the satisfaction of having done what's necessary.

Finally, we learn to anticipate the problem areas, and have a positive strategy in place ahead of time. Sometimes it helps to talk over those situations before they arrive, and ask the child to help with the problem solving – this becomes easier as the child becomes more verbal. It all takes work and creativity on your part, but not dealing with a problem until it's in full swing is even more effortful and frustrating, for both you and your child.

Good luck, mommie. These years will pass more quickly than you will believe. Hang in there.

My daughter just turned 3, and we went through the terrible twos, too. She WILL grow out of it. I know it feels like this is going to last forever, but as your daughter gets a better command of language she will be able to communicate her frustrations better to you, and that's when the tantrums begin to abate. Hang in there, some day soon there will only be ten different "ARGH" times in your day, and then only nine, and then only eight...... Good luck and remember this is normal and we've all been there!

I Definitely Understand! My spit fire girl is 2 and a half, plus I have a 10 month old that has a very strong personality already! I'm amazed and awed most of the time at the stuff they say/do/demand. Anyway, try the counting method, learn it from the book "1-2-3 Magic." I do reccomend you get it, but basically you apply it to "stop" behaviors and if you do it right and consistently you will see a big difference within a week- no matter how willful your child! But I just want to point out that one of the most common and key ingredients to any form of discipline is the parent's emotional self control. One of the other parents that responded mentioned it to some extent, don't be upset or disturbed by the throwing up... just calmly walk over and clean it up (but really, you should hand her the towel to do so herself and I promise you that she will sooner then later stop). She has your number baby, it's you that doesn't have hers quite yet. Your girl (I bet) is really smart at most things right? She knows what's up, she's going to keep at it until she either spirals out of control completely (good luck with that mess of problems in character) or you figure out how to appropriately and consistently discipline her. She MUST do this, it is not purposely to destory you, it is human development and serves it's purpose. I really hope you get this and start handling her better, she's got a lot of potential one way or the other and she is still in a window time frame where you can nip it in the bud now. Best wishes, N.

Hi, I know 2 year olds are on a whole different level. My best defense against tantrums is "redirect." I do a quick diversion or focus her attention on something else she can have or do. Or you can completely ignor her while she has one of her tantrums. She wants you to react and any reaction is better than none at all. For night time we do special treats once a week if she goes to bed the way she is supposed to. You might also want to cut her afternoon nap if she is still taking 2 per day.
This is the best advice she is 2 and her phases wont last for long! Just continue to be consistent and remember to breathe.

You are not the worst mom in the world. You have a 2 yr old! You got some good info here. 2 is a challenge (3 is worse). I don't use time out or punishment. You can set boundaries and expectations for behavior without that. I would say that time out isn't working if she is crying to the point of puking. You could try using time-in. If DD is acting inappropriately we remove ourselves and sit quietly until she can play nice or be quiet or whatever it is. She can learn how to behave in polite society without being shamed and punished to get the point. And remember that if they are tired, overstimulated, hungry, etc. they will be unable to remain calm. A tantrum is just her not knowing or being able to express her anger/frustration/etc the way we would. It's not purposeful behavior designed to push your buttons.

Try to reframe the way you are thinking about her. I think "terrible twos" is an awful phrase. It puts us in an oppositional stance towards our kids. If we are thinking they are terrible, of course it is more difficult for us to cope with their normal 2-yr-old behavior.

Try to be matter of fact, as someone else suggested. That really goes a long way towards diffusing the power struggles. It's not easy, and takes a lot of practice and sometimes you just can't get there. But if you don't make it a big deal, she may be more apt to back off.

Try to make a yes environment for her and choose your battles. Ask yourself why you are saying no to something. If it is just because it is annoying, let it go. If it is non negotiable, then matter of factly state that and don't get drawn into her drama (deep breathing can help you remain calm).

Do you have a flow to your day? That can be very helpful, to have a regular schedule (not rigid) so she knows what is coming. She has no control over her environment, so when she knows that dinner is followed by cleaning up and then tooth brushing, jammies, etc. she is less resistent when these things are happening (it does take time for her to understand that this is the routine, if you are just starting one).

Choices are good when they are real choices. So don't offer them for everything. There is no choice about getting in the carseat, for ex. So you can explain it. But if there is a choice: clothes, foods, read or color, whatever, offer her 2 (not a whole lot or it is too difficult to decide).

Make sure you are giving her enough time. I find that when DD is her most annoying it is often because I am off on my own doing my own thing for too long. Sometimes a little touching base with her is enough.

Try to put yourself in her shoes. Giving a 2 yr old a 5 min warning may seem helpful, but she has no concept of time and when you are suddenly stopping her play to get dressed or whatever, of course she is going to be angry about it. Sometimes there is nothing to be done about it, but just keeping that in mind can help you.

Is she overtired when you are trying to get her down? I know that it is much harder to get an overtired kid down for nap or bed. I would try to have a set routine: bath, jammies, books, whatever it is and have one for naptime as well. That can help

All kids are different. You may have an extra tough one and what works for your friend's kid won't work with yours. Try not to criticize yourself about it, just move on and try something else. This phase really doesn't last forever (though it sure seems like it at the time!). A great book for dealing with kids of all ages is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen. You may want to check it out of the library to see if that helps too. Good luck! It won't last forever, really!

1. You need to show her that you are the boss and in charge. This includes everything she does during the day. If she does something that is not acceptable, give her one warning. Then tell her she'll go in timeout. The second time put her in timeout. If she gets up, put her in another room and shut the door. If she opens the door and comes out, take her back in. Do this over and over even if that means doing it a lot of times. She will eventually get the idea.

2. My daughter does not nap at home anymore on the weekends - while she still does during the week at daycare. So I don't have any suggestions for naps - maybe instead of having her sleep - just let her rest and read books or watch cartoons.

3. At bedtime, try the SuperNanny technique - when it's time to leave her room, do it. If she follows you out, walk her back. Do this over and over and over again. Eventually she'll tired out.

4. Do what you need in order to get her to follow your directions. If that means having a 'good behavior' chart - stickers, candy, etc.

You'll need to find what works for you guys. It may not be the same as other mother's and what works for them. You need to have a set schedule with her for bed - so she knows how many books she can read with you, how many drinks of water, etc. Explain to her that is the rule and there is no room for change in that.

Good luck - she is at the age where she is exerting her independence - my daughter is doing the same thing!! Celebrate the good times and really show her how you appreciate when she listens and how she is such a big girl! Make a big deal about the good, not the bad, and hopefully she will realize that the more good she does, the better your relationship will be with her!

First, put a small trash can in her time out zone that she can use to throw up if she needs to. If you seem completely non-plused by all that is going on, she will eventually lose interest in the dramatics. She's doing them to get a response out of you. As long as you give her one, they will continue.

Also, as much as possible, respect her desire for autonomy by offering her two choices where the outcome she is most likely to pick is the one that you would like as well. She wants to know she has the right to pick. You can give her that right.

Say things like "Would you like to stay in here and throw a tantrum, or come with me to the kitchen and help me bake?" And let either answer be okay with you, with a clear preference for one that is fun to share. Sometimes emphasize that it doesn't matter which she picks to you, that she's welcome to stay here and be mad, but that if she comes to the kitchen with you, the tantrum has to be finished or you will just go back to cleaning the kitchen and waiting for her to be done.

Make almost everything a choice for her, and it will be easier for you to take your own frustrations out of it. You know she had an alternative.

Sometimes it will be "If you keep messing with that, you're going to have to go to time out, or you can leave it alone and we can go play x together and have a good time." Sometimes just to test you, they will pick time out, especially at first. When you put them in time out, set therm there, set the time frame, and tell them you really wish they'd picked fun time instead, that you will miss them, and don't be frustrated or angry. Just go do the fun thing that thy missed out on. It will make them crazy that they're missing out and next time they will think twice about what choices they make.

It often helps to ask them "What choice did you just make? You didn't put it down, so that says to me that you picked the time out. That's too bad, because I really wanted to play instead of have to put you in time out. Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow you will choose differently."

Emphasize that you're as frustrated by them choosing the time out option as they are, and you wish they'd picked differently and you could have fun together.

By doing so, you're sympathizing with their frustrations, still letting them make their own choices, and also getting them to come into alignment with the most reasonable answer for how to behave. Pretty soon they feel pretty stupid for continuing to pick negative consequences over positive opportunities. And after some initial hard testing, most come around to being reasonable kids most of the time.