My 19 Year Old Daughter in College Is Dating a Girl.

Updated on January 22, 2019
J.R. asks from Little Rock, AR
15 answers

She’s always liked boys, she had a boyfriend when she went off to college and she has had crushes on boys in college but she is now telling me she is dating a girl. She shares an apartment with two girls that are gay and they have a relationship (they were also roommates freshman year) Should I be worried.

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Featured Answers

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

Welcome to mamapedia, J.

She's trying to fit in. She's experimenting. What are you going to worry about - her getting pregnant? She can't if the other person is a real female.

Ask her open ended questions.
don't judge her.
Tell her you love her no matter what.

Bottom line is ask her questions - without sounding demeaning or condescending. Ask what changed. Ask what she is feeling. LISTEN with an open heart and mind.

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More Answers

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Ok.
Good for her.
Mothers always worry no matter who their kids are dating.
How ever she wants to live her life is up to her.
She might be experimenting or maybe this is who she has always been.
She's your kid - you accept her and love her no matter what.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

Why would you be worried? Would you be if she was dating a man? Just support her and let her figure out her love life.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

What is there to be worried about? As long as your daughter is dating people who are respectful and kind to her it doesn't really matter what gender they are. Human sexuality evolves over time. She may just be experimenting, she may be bisexual or she may be gay. She's still the same person that you raised and love. Let her figure this out for herself.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

Worried about what?

She could be anywhere on the LGBTQIA spectrum. She's finally on her own, and she's either exploring or she's claiming the sexual identity she's always had but was afraid to express in her hometown.

No matter what, she's your daughter. If you don't accept her, what message does that send to her? Why is her sexuality an issue for you to weigh in on? It's not like you can do anything about it. She's wired how she's wired. These roommates didn't "turn her gay" - if anything, she may have chosen them because they are open and supportive.

Just support her. If she is gay or bi, she's going to need help in standing up to people who are prejudiced against her. Be glad she told you she's dating a girl rather than hiding it from you. That means there's hope for your relationship with her.

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

Awww....what is there to be worried about? Good for her! This is a great age and environment to explore sexual preferences. Some people who explore same-sex relationships along with hetero relationships stay truly bi-sexual their whole lives and navigate their relationships from that viewpoint. Others might realize that they are really gay/lesbian and have only same-sex partners going forward while still others decide that they'd be happiest and most fulfilled in hetero relationships. I know women who are happily married to men who experimented with women when they were younger decided it wasn't for them, and women who were married to men or dated them in the past who "changed teams" at some point and are in same-sex relationships now (and vice-versa for men).

Just be supportive no matter what. Thankfully times are changing and there is growing acceptance socially, legally, etc. for same-sex relationships. This kind of thing has been happening forever but it used to be something to keep hidden. Good for her that she's comfortable letting you know, and kudos to you for developing the kind of relationship where she is comfortable sharing this with you.

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D.S.

answers from Phoenix on

This is not surprising. Your daughter may be gay or bi but she also may be under the influence of todays culture that is encouraging this behavior. It is the current fad. She is late to the game. It is very prevalent in High Schools today to the point of being cultish. Give her some time and let her know she can talk this over with you. There is not a whole lot you can do but listen and give accurate information. Good luck.

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L.U.

answers from Seattle on

be worried about what? That she is gay?
I have two friends who are married. They BOTH dated men when they were in high school. They had "crushes" on men too. Until they could finally break free and be honest with themselves and their families. They are lesbians. Always have been. They were just bending to what they believed society (their families, their churches) wanted.
Maybe that's what your daughter went through.
I don't understand what you are worried about.

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E.B.

answers from Denver on

You don't mention if your daughter is generally happy, if she's attending her classes on time, if her grades are the best that she is capable of, if her friends are supportive, if her group of friends are sober, if she is taking care of her health by eating well and taking her vitamins and getting enough rest and physical activity, if she avoids illegal substances, if the person she is dating is respectful of her and kind to her, if she's maintaining her relationships with friends and family, and if she's paying her rent/bills/tuition/expenses responsibly.

Can you answer "yes" to all or most of them, within reason?

The physical/societal/sociological characteristics of the people in her life are not as important as the positive and uplifting contributions they make to your daughter's life and vice versa.

Now, if your daughter has surrounded herself with people (of any gender, religion, lifestyle, etc) who are pulling her downward, who are skipping classes, who are surviving on cheese balls and beer, who make her miserable, who cause her stress, who are always in trouble with the college administration or the local law enforcement officers, who share pills, who are always sick or injured, who may be abusive, then that's the time to worry.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

If a child is simply gay, then there's nothing to be concerned about - of course. If she's having concerns about it or a hard time coming out, being accepted, etc. then being concerned, natural. My sibling and spouse had concerns for their child when they came out. Their child struggled with it.

So that was natural. Who wouldn't if your child was struggling? So is your child struggling? I guess you need to be involved with your child to see how they are doing - would be my answer.

I guess the part you seem to focus on is your daughter was heterosexual to begin with. I think that 'seems' to be the case for quite a few gay or bisexual people to begin with. They don't necessarily have it all figured out in the beginning. Sometimes they also don't feel that they have the support system in place to come out. There are a lot of reasons people don't come out at first. I guess that's another thing you can ask your daughter. These are all questions to ask her - or let her tell you, when she's comfortable. Just be there for her. I wouldn't press for answers at this point.

Debra made a good point for kids at the middle school/high school level. These days, being bisexual can be seen as a 'fad' for some kids. It has been for some of the kids my teens know. They know friends (more acquaintances in their larger social sphere) who 'become' bisexual for a few months. There's even clubs at their schools - I think rather informal, but that have names, and kids join them. I don't fully understand, but my kids don't really think anything of it. Kids seem to experiment more these days.

I do know a few instances where girls had some bad experiences with high school boys or early college, and turned instead to dating women. In that instance, I would be concerned. They later dated men again - eventually. That's different - again, I think than being necessarily gay. I also knew a teen/young woman who dated women when her mother went through a series of relationships with multiple men (was married several times). Again, I think she just swore off men for a while. Some would even say she was attention seeking (needed her mother to be involved and instead found affection from other women). I have no idea - not a therapist.

I guess so long as your daughter is emotionally well and stable otherwise - and is happy in her relationship - what's there to be concerned about? I would just remain close to her, and make sure she can come to you :)

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R..

answers from San Antonio on

One of my DDs friends (they are in middle school) is pretty sure she likes girls but kinda thinks boys might be cute. My DD asked if you can like both...my reply was most people like one or the other but some people are bisexual and like the person, male or female and can be attracted to both romantically.

Your DD might just be experimenting with her sexuality or be bisexual or be a lesbian. I'm not sure I'd be too worried except hopefully you have had a good talk about the spread of STDs and that women can catch them from each other so to be as safe as possible. Herpes and HPV come to mind...

Just listen and love her!!

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

No you shouldn't be worried. Just treat her the same as if she were dating a boy. It's not a big deal. Accept her for who she is and be happy for her if she is happy.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

worried about what?
khairete
S.

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E.M.

answers from Louisville on

Is she living with her girlfriend? how long have they been dating? I would adviser her not to live with her girlfriend right away but date for a while before they make that big of a commitment. What exactly are you worried about?

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C.N.

answers from Philadelphia on

You should be very worried about the discrimination and bigotry that gay people face, yes.

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