My 18 Year Old Daughter Is Very Disrespectful and Doesn't Follow Rules. She H ?

Updated on June 11, 2018
A.S. asks from Mesa, AZ
8 answers

Disobedient, works part time, sneaks out, leaves with out permission

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answers from Portland on

I agree - what is your question?

Or is this just a vent? More information would be helpful if you want moms to share what has worked for them, if we know what you have tried.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

This is going to be difficult for us to answer here without some background. Is she 18 but still in high school (maybe graduating soon)? Is she 18 and done with high school but living at home, working part time, and not taking any other classes or saving for classes/college? Could you please give us more context?

She is legally an adult, so it would help to know why she is still in the home, whether she has plans and goals that involve eventually moving out/getting further schooling/etc.

And as she is an adult, the part about sneaking out and leaving "without permission" is odd. Do you have rules you have set for her while she lives there? If she is being treated as still a child and told she must obey you and ask permission to leave that is very, very different from a situation where you are treating her like an adult and a tenant, who needs to abide by the kind of rules you'd set for someone renting a room.

Until we know the basis for your relationship with an adult who is living under your roof, but who is not legally a child (and therefore not legally bound to ask your permission to leave the house) -- it will be hard to give you any help.

Does she pay you any rent? Help pay for utilities? Do any chores as agreed between you? What does "disobedient" mean here -- that she won't do whatever you say, or that she is making choices (bad company, drugs, drink, no goals?) that worry you?

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

So - what is your question?

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answers from Minneapolis on

She's a legal adult, she shouldn't have to "sneak out" and she doesn't need your permission to leave. I suggest you swallow hard and accept this even if you don't like the hours she keeps, or where she is going. All she owes you is the common courtesy of letting you know when she is leaving, where she going, and and expected length of time she will be gone.

I'm not sure what you mean be disobedient. More detail would be really helpful. If she's not following household rules regarding chores, and rules of respect, like quiet music only, etc. you can tell her it's time for her to move on and move out.

What's wrong with working part time? Working is good. And maybe that's all she can handle right now. With encouragement and support, she may be able to work up to a full time job, school, or job-training program.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Maybe, since she is technically an adult, you should have a conversation with her about the rules in your home. Make new rules with her that are different from when she was under 18. Just ask her to respect them if she is going to live in your home. She is just rebelling, trying to live grown up. Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

What was she like a year ago? 5 years ago? 10 years ago? Is being "disobedient" a new thing for her or was she always like this? If it is new, figure out what changed. New friends, issues with family, drugs and alcohol, just normal pulling away? If this is the norm for her, it's kind of too late to start parenting at 18.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Portland on

My nearly 18 yo granddaughter, who has been living with me for 3 years, tells me when she's leaving and when she gets home if I'm awake, as a courtesy.

I suggest you work on your relationship by changing the way you treat her. If you require her to follow your orders, you have two choices. Change her attitude by changing yours or tell her to move out.

I suggest getting help in learning how to treat young adults. Our parenting days are over. You cannot change her. The only person you can change is yourself. Family counseling might help. It sounds like your daughter will not be willing to go. I urge you to go.

My counselor told me that the only thing I can control is what I'm willing to accept in my home. My requirements are No drinking, no smoking cigarettes or pot in my house. I monitor who comes over and how they treat me. All doors are to be kept open. I know she's sexually active and is using birth control.I don't tell her she cannot have sex. I just make it a bit inconvenient.

Since I told her she is responsible for her decisions and their consequences she is more respectful. Once she's 18, I am not responsible for her in most cases. We get along much better now that I've given her the responsibility for herself. I'm responsible for myself and my house and yard.

I do expect her to be in school or working. We are working as two adults, on what that means. I'm treating her as an adult. She will make the decision to move by not being in school or looking for work. This is a process in which I choose to be more lenient, allowing her tpime to figure this out. I do not remind her.

Of course letting go is difficult. I've had professional help to let go.

If I'm angry, I walk away. We rarely fight..
I treat her and myself with the respect. I am happier not fighting.


answers from Washington DC on

you know, just adding a question mark does not a question make.

so here's my answer.

yes, your 18 year old daughter is very disrespectful, doesn't follow rules, is disobedient, has a job, sneaks out, doesn't ask your permission.


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