My 16 Month Old Daughter Screams for Everything

I've only got a minute to answer, as it's time to drive one of my teens to work and one to a psych class. But, I'd say that 16 months is definitely too young for time-outs! In my experience I found that the children who screamed and cried the most, were the ones who got the least attention. Kids, especially at that age, need more not less. They don't have that many skills for communicating and we need to answer them quickly when they try to express themselves, BEFORE they start screaming. In fact, we need to think ahead, and notice the signals for what struggle may be coming up. Otherwise, they have to start making a bigger and bigger fuss to feel they are being heard.

When my son was that young I would wear him, so that I could get whatever it was done (first a sling, then this incredible backpack I found: www.ergobaby.com). He just wanted attention, and who wouldn't? When he was older the communication was better and it wasn't a problem.

My daughter started demanding attention with tantrums at 15 months. I am a very attentive and giving mom, so i found the whole thing disappointing (thought i was doing something wrong, thought she inherited my temper genes (which could be so)). But as it turns out, a baby is a baby.
Find a way to get yourself through it. I used time outs on my daughter and i feel now, that it was the wrong way to go. She was too young to understand. It was generally me who needed the time out. Take a breath.
Hold your baby and take a breath.
My daughter is 26 months now, she is still bold, so we generally both take a time out if necessary.
I tried to explain it to my husband this way = we are with her during her happiest moments, the same should be true for her most angry, frustrated, help me moments.
"Parenting from the inside out" is my latest book that i find extremely helpful.

Okay, I have no magic answers, but pls. don't follow the poster's advice who told you to put her in her crib. She's still a baby and while you can distract her and re-direct her, she totally would not understand you abondoning her in the crib.....so what's the point? IT sounds to me like you're working on teaching her patience by not always picking her up immediately, and that's a good thing. You can try saying things like "I can't hear what you're saying to me when you're screaming" or "My eyes hurt so much from your screaming, I can't help you right now" and that may or may not help. :) If she's not hurt, hungry or tired, and is screaming because you don't know what she wants, have you tried telling her to "show me what you want". To distract her,you might consider picking up a big picture book with colorful pics and sit her in your lap and begin reading. Chances are she'll stop crying pretty soon so she can hear. Whispering can help too, since they'll often stop so they can hear YOU. I think that making her wait til you're done with your task is enough, and picking her up when you're done is just plain good parenting!! She's still a baby, pls. don't lose sight of that.

This is the age and they do this.
They will scream/yell because this is the only way they can communicate.
It's normal.

It's not easy for the Parent, but other stages will come up.
Teach her sign language for functional words. ie: "help", "eat", "more", "drink", "stop", "up", "no", "come" etc.

Also, they get "separation anxiety" at different age stages. So this is an element in it too. As toddlers, when older, they will go through this too.

For a child this age too, they don't know the difference between "now" and "later." Everything for them is about the "now" and immediacy. So well, it's not always easy.

But one thing, frustration can build up for BOTH child and Parent, when they are expected to "act" older that they really are ready for. Everything, and expectations, needs to be age appropriate.

In everyday life, and needs... we can't pick up our child at every cry or scream. Sometimes we just have to wait a bit, because maybe we are using the bathroom, or in the middle of cooking and our hands are dirty with raw food stuffs, or we are in the middle of a phone call. Well, so as long as our child is not in "danger"... it's okay. Let her know with your voice, that you ARE right there.... and with facial expressions try and "show" her.

Wordy explanations don't work well at this age. They won't follow along. Also, at this age, they do NOT have "impulse control." So even if you tell them "no", they will do it again. FULL IMPULSE CONTROL is "developed" and it will not develop until about 3+ years old... so you'll need to keep this in mind, and keep expectations toward the child with this in mind.

Kids get used to repetition and routine. So, whether positive or negative... this is what they will respond to or get used to. And their reactions will be in reaction to it.

Kids this age are "reacting." They don't do things yet "at will." It is ALL per their development and age set. ALSO, they are still learning about cause and effect. Even at older ages they are still learning this. It's okay.

I would not do time-outs at this age... but some do. It's up to you.

It will not necessarily get "better" once she talks... because as is normal, each age development brings another set of developmental age "issues." And, as a head's up, not only is 2 years old a hard age, but at 3 years old... this is harder in another sense. ALL the while, their personalities and cognition is changing. And their sense of "self" and independence.

Even their "emotions" are STILL developing....and they don't yet know how to understand it or abstractions like this. So, this frustrates them too.

Perhaps, get some books on age development. Each age, has it's own unique set of issues and frustrations and pleasures. :)

A child spends their life learning about "our" rules and needs...but what about them? In order to create our child and raise them and "teach" them and understand them too... it's important to FIRST understand the child, at each age. A good book is "Your 1 Year Old" (you can get it at amazon.com). It's a series for each age.

It's hard, but don't pressure yourself. We will be "teaching" our kids their WHOLE life. That's a long way to go! LOL.
And a lot of times, we Moms are trying things on the fly, spontaneously. It's okay. We have to learn about them too.

Your girl has only been in this world for 16 months...and is only beginning to learn our rules. Her behavior is normal.... but teach her and decide HOW you want to teach her. Consistency is important for kids. "Discipline" is about teaching... not about "right/wrong" or about punishment necessarily... and about boundaries.

Yes, it's a phase. Yes, lots more will come up. EEK!
It'll be okay. Just see what works for you... and her, as long as it is not harmful.

take care,
Susan

My son will be 16 months on Thursday. He is doing the EXACT same thing. At first, i thought it was because he was jealous of his 4 month old sister being held all the time, but I quickly am realizing it is just a phase. I have a problem with the dishes too. My husband has really helped by entertaining him during this time. Sometimes I think it is out of boredom. I have noticed though that he is usually hungry or thirsty and just refuses to use his baby sign at that point. I am anxious to see more responses to this for myself as well:) Good luck!

Unfortunately for those of us who have chores and work to do, this 'phase' can be tough. But, I found with my son at this age that if he was crying he needed something. And, yes it was sometimes very simply just attention. The crying is not going to just stop, I feel for you because outside input can make you question your already frazzled nerves. No worries, it does get better when they start talking but, it doesn't just go away. My son is two, and just this morning as I was getting ready for work had a 'crying moment' and all he wanted was to sit and be held. I was five minutes late to work, but I sit and held him until I knew I could talk to him and he'd hear me. Otherwise, I still wouldn't be here...LOL.

My suggestions and some of what I did...

1. I made my son a part of whatever I was doing...your example was dishes...so, what I did was move his high chair over to the sink and let him 'help' I would wash his plastic dishes and give him a washcloth, and asked him to help Mommy dry them. He got totally into and loved 'helping'. Same for vacuuming, cooking, laundry...to this day, he gets his laundry basket and helps me 'sort' his stuff (not the best sorting) but, he feels like he's a part of what "Mommy" is doing.

2. I would do the diaper, hungry or hurt check. While, I cook if he wants to help, I get him his pots and pans (Ikea has the coolest set) and he helps me cook. We make a mess, but it's awesome. Sometimes he just sits in his chair and eats snack.

3. Start talking to your little one now. It's the best thing I ever did. I explained the steps of what I was doing, and he started to really listen. It helped with words, and he began asking me and pointing at things.

4. Relax!!! You're doing the best you can and it will get better.

I never resorted to timeouts at this age, only because my son's doctor asked me what I thought it would accomplish. He said, that kids at that age will only feel alienated and alone...so, we just started now with the timeout mat, at 28 months and it's working for the most part. But, consistency with anything is the most important. Every developmental phase is going to have it's challenges, and if we don't work on listening to what our kids need then the crying will never end...no matter how old they are!!! Just be patient and find a groove that works for you and your family.

I love involving my son in our family chores and he loves being a part of what's going on. When he's not interested in something, he'll let me go about my cooking, dishwashing or whatever but he knows he can help me if he wants to.

Good luck.

As the other responses have said, it is that magical age of screaming and tantrums, it is like a right of passage... My 19 month old daughter did scream at times, but she is more of a throw herself on the floor kind of kid. She gets frustrated really easily and when she would get frustrated I would scream with her and it turned into a game, and the frustrated screaming stopped. I would recommend if she is screaming because she wants something and you say no, just keep talking to her and explaining why. I don't see anything wrong with picking her up or getting down to her level and comforting her, I think that is much better than just ignoring her. My answer to everything toddler tantrum is re-direction, something to distract them from what they are mad about. I will ask my daughter to help me with something (hold my wallet in the store, or help me pick up laundry, or give her a pot and some spoons and "help" do the dishes... make it sound like a really important job) and that has worked well for me, especially in public. It is a phase though (I'm hoping)!

16 months is such a frustrating age for them! They have so many complex thoughts going on in their heads, but they don't have the physical ability to communicate those thoughts. I'd be screaming a lot, too!

Your daughter is the perfect age to start signing! YOU WILL BE AMAZED at how quickly she picks it up and how much is goin on inside her brain!! There is a great video series called Signing Time and I think it's a TV show as well. The key to signing is that you and her other caregivers must be consistent using the signs when you speak so that she makes the connection. And please don't feel intimidated - you don't have to become fully fluent in sign. Just learn a handful of signs that will help you two communicate: full, more, yes, no, happy, sad, and signs for some of her favorite foods.

Being able to communicate will take your relationship with your daughter to a whole new level. SERIOUSLY, YOU WILL BE AMAZED!!!!

Best of luck to you and your precious little girl!

Hi ML:
Imagine,back when your daughter was a newborn.If she was crying,what reaction would you have gotten from her,had you gone into an explaination of how busy you were,and to just be patient and wait?Right...She would have kept crying. Because she wouldn't have understood you.Your daughter is growing,but shes still to young to understand reason,or compromise. She doesn't know what you mean,when you ask her to (wait) till your done with your dishes. She only knows,what she has learned from you since birth."When i'm hungry i cry and mommy feeds me" "When i'm wet and uncomfortable,I cry and mommy changes me" "When I'm hurt I cry and mommy holds me" Until shes old enough to understand and be verbal with you,she will cry or scream,to get your attention.Its what she knows.Your father inlaw,thinks hes being helpful,when in fact,hes only creating more frustration for your daughter and you.She doesn't know how to play (mind games) Shes not going to understand, that she won't be picked up till she stops crying!She will only feel shes being ignored,and her needs abandoned.She may not need anything, other than a hug from you,reasuring her,that you haven't forgotten she is there.I agree,that including her in some of your tasks is a great idea. She will feel like your including her,rather than sitting and watching you be to busy for her.Give her a pot or plastic container and a wooden spoon. Throw a few cheerios in it and let her stir for you.Give her a cup cake pan and some papers and let her pretend shes baking with you.She just wants to be with you.The more words you teach her, the less she will scream.She just hasn't reached the age,where she can communicate well enough.Be patient. This is just a phase. Shes to young for time outs. Its senseless,until shes mature enough to understand the reason for it.I'd Tell your father inlaw,you appreciate his help,but you'll handle your daughter,then pick her up,give her a hug, and find something to keep her busy. I wish you and your darlin daughter the best.

It sounds definately like she is frustrated not being able to communicate with you.

We taught our daughter sign language at about 14 months and it was like night and day, the screaming STOPPED and she began using sign language to communicate!

We used Signing Time! (www.signingtime.com) Its been an extremely fun way for us to communicate and we still use sign even once she learned to talk (she's 3.5 now) and are teaching our 10 month old his first signs now.

It's definately worth a try!

She is trying to communicate with you, however inapropriately she is doing it! You can tell her what she is feeling "You want mommy to pick you up right now, but mommy cannot. I will pick you up when my hands are clean" At least this way, she knows that you know what she is saying. I also taught my kids sign language, which is really easy to do. You can start with just a couple of words, like "help" or "angry" or "want" and go from there. If you google americal sign language, you can find sights that will have a little video clip of the word you want. You can simplify it if needed for your child, and just start using the sign whenever you say the word. She will learn it and start using it to express herself.

you should rent the dvd "best toddler on the block" lots of helpful tips.

I think you are already doing what you feel is best, so stick with it.

My DD is also a screamer when she doesn't get her way. It started when she was 16 months (she is now 18 months). But she has an older brother who constantly gives her reason to scream :). She finally at the age where she is starting to defend herself and her toys when he tries to take them away...so this is a learning stage for both of them in sharing and defending what is theirs.

But when my daughter starts having a tantrum for no reason and I have already tried to give her what she wants, I will put her in time out for a couple of minutes in her crib.

Sounds like your daughter is able to communicate with you pretty well for her age, like my daughter. So after trying to give her what she is asking for, if my daughter is still having a tantrum, I just leave her alone, tell her in a firm voice that the behavior is not acceptable, and continue with whatever I was doing before. Every few minutes I go back and check on her. But after about 10 minutes if she is still freaking out, I will put her in time out in her crib. That usually calms her down after about 10 minutes (both of my kids are good self soothers and associate their beds/cribs with calmness and relaxation).

I know there are a lot of books and DVD's on this topic, but I really like "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child". I got it when my son was born and still continue to refer back to it periodically for both of my kids.

Good Luck and go with your gut instinct on this. Take other peoples advice into "consideration" but stick to what you feel is best and what works for you and your child.

You know your child and what your child would understand in the way of correction. Your goal is to train your child to communicate effectivly.

The general rule for time outs is one minute per year of age. Now you can figure out if your child would understand being put in time out. My son understood at 12 months when I started time outs. I said "It is not ok to ____. I'm putting you in time out. I'll be back to talk to you in a little bit." After a minute I go back and ask if he is ready to be out of time out. Some times the answer is no. In that case I come back a minute later. If the answer is yes I say "I put you in time out because you ______. The rule is ____. You need to say sorry." I then help him give a hug and say sorry.

If my son is screaming and wants me to pick him up and I'm in a situation where it is acceptable to ignore the screaming I try something different. I say "I'm not ok with the screaming. You need to get calm (and use your words)." I then wait for the first quiet moment to reward with picking him up. Now initally you'll probably be rewardng for a deep breath. If my son starts screaming after I've picked him up I say "You need to get quiet/calm or I will put you down." Then I put him down if he doesn't get quiet. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. This like many other things can become a battle of wills but as the parent you need to be the one to win. So be carefull which battles you fight. Occasionally now at 18 months my son can get quiet/calm on command.

Kids can surprise us with those sudden physical and mental growth spurts. Some times too it is helpful to start teaching techniques before they really understand. But, you know your child and your family. Good luck figuring out what works best for you.

M L,

I may be a minority but I don't think you can ever go wrong by meeting your child's needs and I don't let my kids cry for any length of time. Kids live in there here and now and when they think they need something they don't understand "later." My kids are 2 and 5 and they are happy, well adjusted kids. Any time they went through a screaming phase, I just ignored it so it didn't end up being a power struggle and I did what I could to meet their needs. If they had to wait, they had to wait. But I don't ever make the wait just to prove a point. My kids are not spoiled brats. My 5 year old can wait his turn and my 2 year old is getting there. As a culture, we expect kids to be very independent virtually from birth. Not ever kid does well with that idea. The screaming thing itself is just a phase. As long as you don't give it a lot of power, it will pass.

T.

Hello there,

My granddaughter used to do the same thing right about that age, as did my daughter. I was not as strong a mother as my daughter is. I picked up my daughter when she would have tantrums too, just because I couldn't stand the noise. When my granddaughter entered the tantrum years, my daughter ignored her, no matter how long she screamed. She was cured within one day! Her eyes were swollen, and her face was a mess, but she has never thrown tantrums again because she knows it won't do any good. Picking your child up when she has a tantrum will lead impatience, a condition from which my daughter still suffers. That's why she won't let her daughter get away with it. I didn't listen when my mother told me to "let her cry". I would listen to your father-in-law and use "tough love" now, so you don't have to later. You can also teach her baby sign language, so she can communicate with you better. I find that some tantrums are because babies can't tell you what they want, and other tantrums are because they want to test the waters and exert their will. I hope this helps.

C. C.
President
C.E. Cooper, Baby Specialty Retailer, LLC
www.littlemamu.com

My 18 month old is doing a similar type of thing. For me, she screams or yells whenever she is told "no" or we don't do something that she wants us to do. It started right about 16 months for me. I will say that I have noticed that it is getting better, however. I followed advice from friends & family to leave the room when she is acting up (since it's mostly for attention) & this seems to be working well. I don't totally have the answer, but wanted to tell you that in my experience, it's just an age thing & lack of ability to communicate. I think that at 16 months, she figured out how to voice her displeasure. Now at 18 months, she is understanding me a bit more & doesn't react to "no" in the same frustrated way that she did a few months ago. I think that once she gets more words & understands more of mine, we will be OK. She will understand that she is too loud or that there will be consequences if she doesn't stop something. She doesn't totally get that now, but is starting to. So....for what it's worth, this has been my experience with my little one. Hope it helps!