My 13 Yr Old Daughter Doesn't Have Any Friends, She Is Struggling.

i'm sorry your daughter is experiencing this. i can only imagine how difficult it is for you to watch her struggle.

you've done the main things i'd have suggested, to enroll her in extracurricular activities, and get her counseling. i'm not sure they've actually failed. sometimes you need to push past what (or who) doesn't work.

but the main thing i'm seeing here is that your love and fear for her is causing you to take on her struggle. and it IS a struggle, no mistake.

the problem is, it's not yours.

you can be supportive and empathetic, but ultimately it's your daughter's to fix, tweak or learn to live with. and your support and empathy need to not tip over into managing.

yes, girls can be cruel and catty, but they're not all that way, and i'm glad you recognize it's likely to be an overabundance of neediness and/or desperation that is turning off potential friends.

the most essential (and hardest) thing for your daughter to internalize is how to love and be proud of herself, and if necessary, sufficient unto herself, at least from time to time. and that, unfortunately, doesn't happen from her loving, anxious mother just telling her how wonderful she is (not that you appear to fall into this trap.)

she's sitting alone at lunch? take a book. not a phone or a device, an actual paper book. not only will it take away the loneliness of sitting there by herself, it will make her lunch break actually pleasurable. it may also have the side benefit of attracting other bookworm friends, but if it's nothing more than a ploy it will backfire.

reading while dining solo is an introvert's bliss. your daughter may not be an introvert, but she can still cultivate this extremely useful coping mechanism.

keep enrolling her in extracurricular activities, but not to make friends. she needs to explore her interests AND expand upon them. the activities themselves should be the draw. friends may or may not be an unexpected blessing, but if she's absorbed in caring for unwanted animals at the shelter or helping at a soup kitchen or beautifying a veteran's cemetery or learning to run a potter's wheel or hand-dyeing silks or riding ponies, she'll interact with others at the very least and learn to value her energy, commitment and sharing qualities as well as expand her interests and abilities.

all therapists are not created equally. 'pro-activity' is not always a desirable quality. you don't necessarily want a therapist who is going to proactively fix your daughter. a passive one who quietly edges her out of her fears might be better. regardless, if the one she's seen isn't suitable, find another one.

consider finding her a big sister or big brother. you are wise to recognize that you are being drained, and that she needs mentoring outside your tight little loving family unit. another empowering adult in her life might be just the ticket.

while i'm a loud proud homeschooling advocate, i think this is exactly the scenario where homeschooling is NOT a solution. not only could it be isolating (my kids were actually far more social in their homeschooling circles, but you have to work at that) but it will throw her even more solidly onto you as her sole resource.

i really love that you're not a coddler, and that you're looking for ways to strengthen her. she does need you as her soft place and sounding board, but you are completely correct in refusing to let her fall down and give up on top of you.

you can do this, mama. i've got faith in you and her!
khairete
S.

My 13 year old and 9 year old are social butterflys. My 13 year old has had a few issues recently with some friends being jerks, but that's the hormones talking. A lot of her friends are great kids, they (her included) just do bonehead things sometimes. Let's face it - at 13, they are all still learning how to navigate life. My 9 year old is friends with everyone - but he started a new school this year to join STEM and he hasn't REALLY connected with anyone. His two best friends are from football.

My 11 year old breaks my heart. When I ask who he wants to have for a sleepover he says he doesn't have friends. When I ask him who he can call for homework help he says no one will give him their phone number. He's the sweetest soul I know, but I don't see his interactions in school. I know he's very stubborn, but he also wants to please people, so I'm not sure. He does have friends to sit with at lunch and play sports with during recess, he has people to talk to all day at school and if I happen to pop in the school I see him talking to kids in the hallway. But he doesn't have friends over to the house...so he seems sad when something is offered like that.

I think it's just his personality though. I was a "loner" growing up as well. My older sister was super popular and I hitched on her band wagon more often than not.

Honestly, talk to the counselor at school. Talk to her teachers and find out what they observe during the day. Then you can team up to help her. She may have to get it out of her head that she needs to be BFF with the most "popular" kids too. Finding people who are similar to her will help her much more.

It would be helpful if you could elaborate on a couple of things.

When you say you had to intervene and cut ties with her lunch 'friends' why was that? How were they cruel and how did that come about?

She's stubborn - in what way? Does she have to be right? Have her own way?

And when you say needy, do you mean appears desperate to other kids? Or bothers them?

Sometimes when we try too hard, it's a real turn off. I have a neighbor who really came on strong when we met. I liked her fine, but it was too much. She needed to have a friend. I felt she wasn't interested in me so much the person, as just wanting to have someone so she wasn't lonely. It's a bit insulting actually. You say that the girls she ate with - she only ate with them so she wouldn't have to eat alone. That's not the kindest way to be. I'm wondering if they picked up on that?

When a lot of people aren't interested in being friends, you have to stop calling all these kids catty and competitive, etc. I think that gives your kid the idea that others are mostly nasty and she's above that (saying she's more down to earth and grounded). That might be the case, but if you get into this pattern of 'they weren't nice girls' I think that does make a kid feel like a victim. Better to go with the approach - not a good fit.

I've always encouraged my kids to just be themselves and be kind. Not the 'thank you', hi, etc. thing so much as - if you want friends, be a friend. Kindness. Goes a long way.

What about her approaching another girl who is also not sitting with kids at lunch, another loner? Out of kindness. Two things can happen - she's reaching out to someone in the same boat, so more likely to be receptive to friendship - but also, it's proactive. She's not trying to be part of a group of friends, she's being friendly to someone who likely needs it.

I could be way off - it's hard to tell what the problem is from what you've written. I agree with the mom who mentions talking to the school counselor. They can look into things for you and observe.

While extracurricular activities are great for kids, there are some free things at schools - I'd encourage her to try those. If she's trying to fit in a certain group (comparing herself to others), keep pushing for her to just be herself and comfortable with who she is. I wouldn't necessarily want to be her best friend - I'm not sure that's helpful. Maybe you mean you're very close :)

I don't think you should necessarily worry about her being a "loner" and not being surrounded by lots of social activity. She is at an age where it would be great for her to channel some of that "alone time" into making sure that she is trying to get top grades and do some extracurriculars. At 13 she is starting to build the foundation for academic performance that will influence her college admissions (and possible scholarships).

A Saturday afternoon spent with a bowl of popcorn and a good book, might serve her better in the future than a day at the mall with catty girls!

Also - try to do "mother/daughter" things with her along the lines of stuff she might enjoy doing with friends her age, if possible. I don't mean hanging out at the mall, but, stuff like watching the latest movies, going for manicures if she would enjoy that, etc. She will be staying on top of good social stuff that way too (she'll be able to talk about the latest movies with her friends, she'll look nice, etc).

ETA: In thinking about extracurriculars, one nice option is community service groups. They do good things for other people AND, as a teenage social concept, there is often less "competition" than in some other activities (like theater, competition for starring roles...band, competition for solo performances). Not that there is anything wrong with competition, but it can be easier to make friends with less of that.

My daughter's have been involved in theatre since they were 5 yo. I obviously don't know if that is something that interest your daughter but I can say my girls have honestly met the nicest and most supportive group of kids through this activity. They did it in school through the theatre department as well as various theatre camps in the summer.
(My youngest is in 8th grade and is 13 yo too.)

I signed my daughter up for a 4 week theatre summer camp last summer. These kids are now her BFFs ( after about 2 weeks) and she didn't know them before last summer. Although they are in the same school and grade, there are 400 kids in her class and she just didn't know them. These kids hang out together all wkend now. They take turns at each other's houses. My daughter has never been happier.

Does the school have after school clubs that she can join? My kid's school has a service club that does projects to help others. This sounds like the perfect kind of group for her. What else does she like? Is she into art...can she join an art group or take a class after school with kids her age? Theater? An instrument? Does she play a sport or take any kind of lessons? She should look around for another girl who is not in a group and start talking to her. Are there any other girls her age in your neighborhood? I did not really have the best of friends until college...and perhaps she will be the same. Perhaps she can volunteer somewhere...look around for something she would enjoy doing. It's really important for kids her age to have at least one good friend, so I hope that she meets someone she clicks with. Note: If she works as a model I will say that this probably means she is beautiful and this could be intimidating to other girls. In graduate school I met a woman who was drop dead gorgeous (like a magazine model), long blonde hair, super tall, stylish....but she had few friends. People were very intimidated by her. She was a smart accomplished person but she was blindingly beautiful and really stood out. It's strange that beauty could be a negative thing. This was in Alaska where everyone dressed "rough" as in sweats, boots, fleece. Because she was so stylish she really did not fit in...it would have helped her to wear a hoodie and some jeans! That is very superficial but I guess humans can be like that.

Since she's 13, volunteering is restricted somewhat - many places require that the volunteer is at least 16. But many places will allow a parent and under-16 to volunteer together. Perhaps you could find a place like a homeless shelter and get involved? (If you have time, that is). Try to find something where you would each have slightly different responsibilities, so that it's not just you two working side by side, but instead meeting other people.

And, you note that you're trying to empower her, and help her get through this situation, but honestly, it sounds like you've done an awesome job at exactly that! She's modeling, involved in the school performing arts department, and getting good grades. So it seems like she's powering through not having a huge social life.

My daughter also has no friends, due to isolation because of her many medical problems. We enrolled her in an online public school, and there were a surprising number of social activities, like bowling parties, meet a teacher at a coffee shop, and field trips. My daughter met compassionate, empathetic kids who had been bullied, ignored, or were extremely shy. There were kids of all kinds in the program - elite athletes, long-term hospitalized kids, kids from divorced homes (sometimes amicable, sometimes the kids were the subjects of painful custody wars and their parents lived in two different school districts, so online school gave the kids some continuity), cancer survivors with extreme physical effects (amputations, etc), and teen mothers. Many were lonely, some were too busy traveling for their sport, some were on around-the-world trips, some worked at a very young age to provide for their siblings in the case of an ill parent or a neglectful addicted parent. Some seemed lost in life, others were happy and well adjusted and successful. She still doesn't know many "real-life" people at all, and doesn't go out, but she's making it through every day.

Online school was a great experience, and my daughter keeps in touch with several former students. You might look into it. Just look up online public schools in your area. They are free. And it gives the kid a chance to interact with others, instead of having a parent as the homeschool educator. Homeschooling can be good, too, but it sounds like an online school might fit your daughter better (she can take modeling jobs during the day that way!).

I'm a little concerned that you say that she is your best friend. Don't get me wrong - it is fantastic that you are close. But your daughter needs a peer group (and on a tangent, so do you). I would ask this - is she limiting her choices? Why is she always comparing herself to the wealthy "in" kids? Because surely there are other kids in the school who are more grounded and from more modest economic classes. But they might be in activities that are looked down on by those "in" kids. Has she thought about things like the debate team, public speaking team, the marching band (if she doesn't play an instrument, there is the flagline), astronomy club? I just looked at my kid's high school club list online and there are things like a pottery club, poetry club, diversity club, bowling club, and some clubs with acronyms that I don't even know what they mean. These school-based clubs don't cost much and they are right after school so they don't require extra transportation.

I really hope that you push her to be open-minded, and give some new things a try so that she can meet new people. Not every attempt is going to result in a new friend. It takes time to truly become friends with someone - trying something one time and then dropping if a new friendship doesn't develop in the first semester isn't going to work. I hope she can find a group that interests her and stick with it long enough for some friendships to develop.

Your daughter is beautiful (I guessed that since she's a working model), talented in academics, and in a new environment, and you wonder why she doesn't have friends? The reason seems quite obvious to me. I would suggest that you put her into some team sports, or volunteer groups where team work, and not looks, is emphasized.

Im sorry. You sound like a good mom and it's so hard to see your child not happy. My oldest started a new school a year ago and I spend way more time thinking about her social life than her academics. Unfortunately there's only so much you can do. I'd look for anything annoying about her though that you can correct. And you mention paying for extracurriculars. Doesn't the school have some? She could try picking some that aren't dominated by "cool" girls. Or work on sets for the school play. If she's a nice kid, lots of 1:1 exposure to some girls could get them into friend territory. Does she target the popular crowd to try to make friends? I remember a few girls who did that and they were the ones not welcome. It was like they wanted to be in that group at all costs instead of just finding friends. She should definitely look around for other girls who seem to be adrift and focus on them. And if she's really sensitive, perhaps she should volunteer at an animal shelter. I think kids who do that tend to be more sensitive themselves. Maybe she'd meet some other kids there. Oh. I assume you've looked at this but she is nicely groomed? My daughter has a friend she is having a hard time with bc the girl doesn't really brush her hair anymore and apparently smells badly sometimes. That would be an obvious fix.

One of my kids is the same age as yours...she has struggled socially on and off. One year, we actually switched schools because there were some difficult kids who bothered by dd and the school has VERY lax behavior standards. There are usually "choice in" programs in most states where you can go to a different school. This was absolutely magic for us. She made a bff the first day of school and had a wonderful year. Now she's in middle school and has some of the old school kids, but she just stays away from them and has a couple of girls she eats lunch with.
I think a new school is the ticket. Also, just an observation....some of the "gifted" programs can be a hotbed of problems. The kids are competitive and the parents are worse. Most of the problems in her old school were the gifted kids trying to dominate what they called the "regular" kids by telling them they were smarter, etc.
So glad we changed schools...it was a fresh start.