My 12 Year Old Thinks He Is the Boss of the House.

You didn't mention Dad...is here there? In my own experience, before my separation/divorce, it was my eldest son & myself that worked together, always (Dad was relatively useless as far as being around/involved and/or helping). He is THE most responsible of all 3 of my children, to this day at age 24. I helped to do that to him, I helped create this because of how it is I related to him. Therefore, I had to work at undoing it, after the split & still today.

So, my question to you is how is it that you relate to your son? There's a saying that goes, "when you point a finger at someone, you have 3 fingers pointing back at yourself." In other words, before looking at your son, take a look at your own behaviors because if we want to try & change someone's behavior, we must first look to ourselves & our own behaviors. It's no wonder my son fought with my other 2, like he was the boss.......I basically gave him the status of the father, so I had to constantly step in & say, "I'm the mom, you be the big brother!"....constantly...

I would acknowledge his age/knowledge/status in the family. Praise him for who & what he is. Give him the due that he deserves because it sounds like he's literally fighting for it.....does this make sense..? As in, "you're so very mature for your age", "I so appreciate your help", "I know it's difficult for you..", etc....after these words/msg's, tell him what you expect from him. If we give what is being looked for, people don't have to fight for it. Help to GUIDE him into acceptable behaviors. Accept ONLY age appropriate behaviors (& yes, his fighting, to a certain extent, IS what he's suppose to do in order to separate & be different) LET him BE the kid. It has worked & is STILL working with my eldest son. A little bit of praise goes a long way! :-) I wouldn't fight the tide but rather go with in order to help the situation & all involved. I hope this all made sense....good luck!

I've got a 12yo boss, too. We've had good luck with two resources. When her sister was younger, the Raising Your Spirited Child really helped us understand and parent her. But she's totally different from her sister, and it took us years to learn that one parenting style does NOT fit all.

For the 12yo, 1-2-3 Magic works. I wouldn't have believed until I tried it, and it's not a magic bullet, but it really does work. The only thing is, you MUST have cooperation and buy-in from your spouse - I've been trying for two years, and until recently, he was the "weak link." Since my little one started seeing a counselor, who immediately recommended the same program (and gave hubby the videos to watch!), he's more on board, and the program really is working.

Of course, my 12yo accuses him of "going over to the dark side" and "being brainwashed by mom." It's all my fault <grin>.

1-2-3 Magic is good for any child, better if you start long before 12, but can work, even starting so late.

Good luck! You are not alone...

You have to set limits on any child who is trying to run the family and hold him accountable. Parents are afraid that if they say, “Go to your room,” their dominant child will say, “Screw you!” So those parents might think they’ll look powerless in front of their other kids when this child refuses to comply.

But here’s the rub: If your other kids see you direct your child to his room and he refuses, they know that their brother has the problem. Conversely, if your child does something inappropriate and you don't give him any consequences, you're really going to look powerless. In other words, if you tell him to go to his room and he says “No, I'm not going—and you can't make me,” you actually look powerful to your other kids. Your acting-out child looks primitive and wrong when he defies you. The other kids know where he's supposed to go, and even if he refuses, they still see you being the parent.

Read more of this article here:
http://www.empoweringparents.com/My-Child-Thinks-He-is-th...

PUBERTY!!!!
My oldest is 12 almost 13 and we are still in this stage.We butt head so much...He spends alot of time in his room...everytime something smart comes out of his mouth.Everyday we(my husband and i)tell him the samething...
"We are the parents not you."
From what i have heard it gets harder before it gets better.And we too have tried everything with him,nothing works(well other than giving him a paddle every once in a while)
But good luck and as i tell my children...
"I know why the wild eat their young."

Just remember we all went through puberty and they have alot going on in their bodies they don't get

What about giving him specific "Grown up" chores? He cold be rewarded for completing by whatever you choose- special events, a pizza night, allowance. Maybe some tasks could be for all 3 to complete. Start with your oldeset having the most "Responsibility" i.e.- Helping prepare dinner, with the others setting the table, cleaning up.

I recently joined this group and more or less asked the same thing for my 14yr old son. Girlfriend, DON'T GIVE UP not even for a second day on him (like white on rice). Use different stragedies/tactics, if one works use it again. From experience it may work once even twice but the thirds a charmer and will fool you. Love him, by always staying on him (threw good & bad). Don't forget your other two/parenting is very hard but it's a very serious title w/ many demands & sometimes sacrifices. We all know its not easy and we all know it's also a long haul before we see benefits or rewards. That's reality as I know it from where i live (8 out of 10). Your real challenge as I think I'm understanding is... consistency & planning. Wishing you all the best(Stay strong).

I have seen all my neices and nephews go through this and them my own kid......... we call it the "A hole phase". All of the sudden they wake up one morning and are complete idiots. My own son went through it for about 6 months. Stay firm to punishment but don't burn any bridges with what you say ~ words can do perminent damage. Then all of the sudden they wake up one day and they are back to normal. Someone mentioned above about 'being kind outside the home, but not in (paraphrasing here). So true, if they are complete gentlemen and ladies outside of the home and to other adults besides yourself, then you know it is temporary behavior. I know I went throught the same thing.

How to raise your spirited child - is a great book on this subject!

Your not alone and it goes in phases! I have a 11y.o. boy (will be 12 in less than 2 weeks). I also have a 9 and 4 year old (both boys). I go through the same things as what you are stating at times. I think they become overwhelmed in their "world" Being the oldest, they feel so much responsibility whether it is put upon them or not. Has anything changed at home? Sometimes, something may be going on at school that they aren't willing to talk about too (You can always call the school counselor if you feel it absolutely necessary).

I literally sat down with him one time and was in tears and told him exactly how the way he was acting made me feel. I think he was shocked to see me overwhelmed by his actions. I also told him that I realized he does a lot and I thanked him for his responsibilites. Try the best you can to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. It really does go in phases and it happens w/me as well as with his father (doesn't seem to matter who).

If it continues to the point you can't take it, seek help from a doctor or counselor.

My kids are great at school and in public, so one thing that I do remember in the back of my mind is that when they are home, sometimes it's there only place they can feel like they can "vent." I would much rather have them act up at home than in public.

I sympathize w/you and hang in there....it will get better :o)

37 y.o. mom of 3 boys 11, 9, and 4. work full time in healthcare and have at home business (southern living at home) on the side. Married for 13+ years to my best friend.