My 10 Year Old Son's Mean Girl Group

If my 10-year old son came home with this problem, honestly I would email the teacher, but just to say that he says he has this problem and could she please keep an eye on the situation. Then I'd probably tell him to stand up to the girls. If they call his artwork trash I'd tell him to respond that he doesn't care what they think, adding a "that's a really mean thing to say" in a condescending tone (teaching him how to say it that way). And I would probably have him continue to mention to the teacher any time he is stuck doing all the clean up. But hopefully bringing the situation to the attention of the art teacher from a parent would help the situation

I'd probably also copy his main teacher on the email too.

I'm all for letting kids navigate their own way socially, but I know if it was my son this would be more than he is equipped for right now and he definitely needs the assistance of adults. Sounds like the girls should be split up to different tables.

At 10 he's old enough to engage in some critical thinking on this situation. My stock response with my boys is, "Hm. That's tough. What do you think you could say?"

Generally, kids don't need us to fight their battles, they just need to feel confident and supported in the choices they make. He likely already knows what to do and say, he just needs to say it aloud and hear you and dad say, "Yes, that sounds like a good plan, son. Let us know how it goes."

i'm glad you recognize that this is his to handle, and also agree that at 10 he can use some help developing coping techniques.
role-playing is definitely a great help for this sort of thing.
it's hard at this age (or any, maybe) to learn to ignore the nasty whispers. but it really is the best response. maybe with an eye-roll (which do have a place and time.)
the best response to the nasty critiques of his work will depend somewhat on his personality. a pert 'who made you an art critic?' will work for some kids, for others a deadpan 'that's pretty mean' would be a better fit. or maybe just a shrug and 'that's your opinion.' the main thing for him to internalize is that they're not actually critiquing his work, they're just looking for things to make him feel bad about, and he doesn't have to cede that power to them.
obviously he doesn't have to do all the clean-up. he can say, to them and to the teacher, 'i'm doing my share and that's it.'
he could also, if he were feeling very confident, turn the tables. ask them earnestly when they whisper or say nasties, 'is there something hurting you? i don't understand why anyone would be so mean if they were feeling okay. do you need help?'
the main thing for him to understand is that it's not his fault, either that they've targeted him, or that it upsets him. but that he has the power to make it bounce off, although it takes some practice. also that what he tries might not always work, so encourage him to develop some different approaches.
and i would also enroll the teacher's help. it's not necessarily hers to handle, but it would probably help him deal a bit better if she's got his back to some degree. she should at least be aware of the situation and have half an eye on it so that she can lower the boom if the little wasps keep at him.
good luck!
khairete
S.

You could add some role-playing at home to help your son learn to handle things. Have him pretend he's the mean girl, and you are him. Then show him how to handle the things they say and do, as Julie mentioned below - how to say that their opinion doesn't matter, and that he'll clean up his part of the table but not theirs, etc.

There may also be some role playing to model how to respond to the teacher as well - what to say when the teacher comes over because their table isn't clean, something like "I cleaned up my part, I'm waiting for them."

I like what nickname add to say below..
Also, my son has experienced the mean girl situation at school as well, in fact, the mean girl has been with him since Kinder and then when they changed schools in 5th grade, the mean girl went to the same school as my son... I thought it was a phase, but this girl has ALWAYS been mean to my son. I think she was born mean.. To that point, my son blows her off... when is mean, which has been often, I have offered to talk to the teacher and he says no, he can handle it. He is very direct with her about her negativity and while he isn't mean back, he does tell her like it is and point out her offenses... which have been many over the years, since my son is a voracious reader, he has a good vocabulary and can let the mean girl have it verbally, sadly half the time, she has spent so much time being mean and not enough time on her studies that she never has a good comeback .... now, she is not only mean but also not too bright... I like the idea of your son only cleaning up his mess and not theirs.. Also, if he acts like it bothers him, they will continue to make his life miserable. However, IF at some point, it doesn't get better down the road, I truly might say something.. but ask your son first what he prefers.. Again, show him some strategies at home as to how to deal with these girls.... this won't be the first time he encounters mean people.... there are plenty of adults who are mean... so it's good to learn now how to deal with them... without stooping to their level... I already applaud your son for keeping his cool showing restraint, tolerance and patience, those things in and of themselves can be effective tools for warding off (eventually) annoying people..

I just asked my son about this - because we went through the exact same thing - at the exact same age.

My son hadn't had any trouble before either - nice kid, nice friends. But he was assigned this one time to be in the center of a group of nasty girls (nasty to others also, not just him).

He did the ignore it response (I probably recommended this to begin with). He said that just made it worse. So he talked to the teacher himself and confronted it head on - as others have mentioned. He said "that's nasty of you" etc. That stopped it.

I usually tell the kids to ignore the odd comment (just walk away, kids can be jerks) but I think with nasty kids - it's better to point out they have the problem like "what's your problem? Why do you care?".

He's pretty wise - I like that he decided my advice didn't apply and knew what he needed to do. They were the popular girls so it wasn't an easy decision. He went to the teacher right then and there and said he was tired of having to do the work (that was the thing in his case).

Hope that helps! I was still learning at that point (still am) but that's a tried and true solution - they all do that now whenever they encounter it. Just call them on it. Stops faster.

Good luck :)

Email the teacher and tell her exactly what you told us. She needs to break up these girls and sit them at separate tables. She needs to do this in a way that does not let them know your son complained. Have her leave your son out of it. If she just moves your son those girls will pick on whoever else has to sit with them.

Since the teacher has not responded to your son about speaking to her then I agree with others who say to email the teacher and breaking up the 4 girls who are being mean. It is the teachers job to look after all kids in the class without exception. She should have been paying extra attention to that table once your son mentioned to her what was happening.

He should ask the teacher to move him, and if she does not then I would get involved. It won't hurt to email her or call her, and no one will see you at the school that way if you are afraid he would be embarrassed by your helping out.

Email the teacher yourself.

I think if he's empowered to say something construction, rather than just "That's so mean" he will be stronger. First, they have no power to make him do all the cleaning. He can do his share and that's it, just smile at them when they say he needs to do more. The other thing he can do, without "tattling", is to say to the teacher, "I'm having trouble doing all the clean up for our table before the class ends. Is there any way you can help organize the 4 girls to pitch in?"

As to calling his work "trash", if he takes the position that he's collecting opinions, he can calmly and without texas, raise his hand and ask the teacher to come over. If he were to say, "Mrs. X, Janie and Ashley were just critiquing my work and saying it is 'trash'. Can you make some suggestions about how I can improve it? Ashley, Janie, can you be more specific so we can get Mrs. X's advice?" I realize he might not do this at 10, but if he could, it would be powerful. But it will change his attitude from victim to victor. It gives him control over the situation, and invites the girls to be willing to share their views in public vs. behind the teacher's back. Even if he can't follow through and do it, it may elevate his thinking. Sometimes just shaking one's head and smiling at the girls' ridiculousness can make them behave. Otherwise, perhaps it would work if he said something like, "I used to think more of you girls than I do now that you can only feel good by trying to hurt someone." I agree that you can practice some scenarios that don't have him lashing back at them with stuff that's as mean and petty as what they are doing.

Talk to the teacher.

I agree with coaching him with some role playing since he has come to you for help. Whispering about him? Annoying, but very, very common kid behavior. He can ignore it, or perhaps ask them why they are too cowardly to speak to him directly? He can ignore the insults, or stand up and respond to the rude comments. Girls say "your artwork is trash" Your son can say, "wow, that's really rude" The girls tell him to do all the clean up? Well, he doesn't have to follow their orders. Tell him he can simply say "no" And then NOT do all the clean up. I disagree with emailing the teacher. This will work itself out. If the kids end up fighting about clean up, the arguments escalate, or the table gets left a mess, the teacher will intervene. Since the teacher hasn't done anything yet, I would assume he or she expects the kids to work out their own conflicts. Can you imagine how much moving around teachers would be doing if this was the first response to any complaints of mean behaviors or conflict? You're absolutely right, he does need to navigate this himself.

Aww, so annoying!!! What is wrong with these girls??! My son is only 7 and he is very well capable of yelling at people and sticking up for himself-and he does. And I let him if it's retaliation, but I discipline him if he starts trouble (with siblings). He hasn't picked on anyone at school, and no one picks on him thus far other than group spats in the neighborhood, but I'm sure it will happen sometime.

With his temperament, in this situation, even at 7, he would tell these girls off. Loudly. He's had practice with his sisters. And in doing so, the teacher would hear it. And I would have given him permission to do that. And I would have emailed the teacher to let her know what he claims is happening, and that I've told him he can speak up harshly to the girls IF THEY are being mean to him. Just so she's aware. Also, I would tell her to let me know if he seems to be in the wrong in any way, because I want to support her in maintaining a good work environment.

This way, it's on her to keep a lid on things. I'm not asking her to do anything really, just letting her know if she doesn't, there's gonna be a class disruption.

Things I would say are OK in this case in an angry tone of voice, "What's your problem, why are you making fun of me?" "Why are you so rude?!" "Shut up!!!" I'd pretty much only limit it to no profanity or mean insults in return. I would also encourage him to say these things and tell the teacher if he saw bullies doing this to anyone else.

Bullies pick on the weak. Your son isn't weak, just outnumbered, so urge him to speak up! It will be a great character builder for him.

Same as my response to the previous question. Role play with him a few choice sentences to use on the other girls. He should be able to shut them up.

As far as cleaning up goes, tell him to clean up appropriately. He should clean up because it's the right thing to do, not because other kids tell him to. Some kids always clean up more than others in class, and the teachers usually notice who that is. No problem there, the teacher will know who the wonderful, helpful student is.

It is good to let kids learn for themselves how to handle social situations but they need skills to do this. I would talk with his teacher, asking for ways to help your son. Being assigned to work with other kids is not the same as having difficulty on the playground. He cannot walk away. Maybe he can learn how to deal with these girls but he cannot figure it out for himself. There is no way to get a break and recoup. Maybe changing tables is best.

The teacher knows the dynamics of their relationship. She knows all the kids. She has experience in managing such situations. Talk with her

BTW I suggest that at this aget it's rare for their to be a grough of mEan girls. These girls are also still learning soctal skills. I suggest the focus be on helping all of them learn how to get along.

I ditto what Julie H said.