My 1 Year Old Will Not Sleep in His Own Crib!!

L.,

I personally think he might still be hungry try and feed him a little more before bedtime and see if that works. If it doesn't give him some warm milk in his bottle and let him wind down watching tv or something calm.

Jenn H -

If you don't have something helpful to say, please keep the mean comments to yourself.

This is not a place to attack others.

Cry it out vs. attachment parenting is one of the most controversial topics in mommyhood. You should research them more and do what's best for you instead of listening to anyone's biased point of view. The family bed doesn't work for everyone. It's true what they say - other moms are some of the most judgmental people around. This is just my point of view, some others won't agree. Some people who think CIO is cruel don't know enough about it. They think it's just leaving your baby to cry alone in his room forever. Well, Ferber tells you to go check on your child periodically so he knows you haven't abandoned him. You just don't pick him up so he'll learn that he needs to sleep. You also follow the same routine every night so he knows what's expected.

We did CIO when my daughter was around 9 months old and contrary to what the attachment parenting people say, you don't let your child cry every single night. CIO when done right, works after 3-4 nights for most kids. To those who think I'm a bad mom because I sleep trained my daughter and let her cry it out for 3 nights, we give her the best we can... all natural organic food without any nasty preservatives or chemicals, the safest toys, the best skincare products without any phthalates or petroleum based ingredients, plenty of books, and tons of love and attention. I research absolutely everything.

Richard Ferber, the doctor most associated with CIO, is actually a sleep expert at one of the best hospitals in Boston. The authors of other sleep books are regular pediatricians at best. His book "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" tells you everything you ever wanted to know about sleep. Read it first if you're considering CIO, or if you just want to know more about sleep. If CIO is not for you, find something else that works but don't listen to the judgment of other moms. You need to decide what's best for your family.

Hi L.,

I see that you are letting him cry but have you tried to ferberize him properly? It could make a huge difference.

When you put him down for the night, kiss him good night, say I love you and then leave. Wait 5 minutes and then go in, soothe him and tell him you love him - do not pick him up!!! Do this for 30 seconds and leave again. Let him cry for 10 minutes, go in and do the same thing. Then leave and let him cry for 15 minutes. If you stick to it - it probably won't even take this long. But you have to stick to it! And day two and three will take less and less time. Also, put 2-3 pacifiers in his crib so he can grab them easily.

I know a lot of people don't believe in crying it out but it does work. Until my daughter was 9 months I had to rock her for 45 minutes and then gently put her down - praying that she didn't wake up and cry. it took her 2 days to Ferberize her and we have never looked back. I joke that when we have a second baby, it will be sleeping through the night before we leave the hospital (hahaha). Good luck!!

Hi L.. I agree with one of the previous posters who said that you must do what's best for your family. There's no right or wrong answer.

When my daughter was that age, we used a book called "The Sleep Lady", which is a more of a modified CIO. In the beginning you are patting the baby and helping them get to sleep, and gradually you move farther away as the days progress. This method worked for us, and didn't involve too much crying. However, I know many parents who used the Ferber / "Health Sleep Habits Happy Child" method, and their kids are happy and well adjusted children as well.

Either way, we're all trying to do what's best for our children, including teaching them how to fall sleep. Good luck.

You poor thing!
My initial advice would be to 1) Let him scream - I know this is near impossible, but he will eventually fall asleep. This is a lesson he needs to learn. Make sure you put him down only when he's drowsy & full. Is his nap schedule & bedtime one that he's decided on, or one that you've decided for him? Does he still scream if you stay in the room within sight of him? If he doesn't scream maybe stay with him while he's in there so that he doesn't feel abandoned the first few times?
Good luck!

To the parents that think letting babies cry it out means leaving these babies in dark rooms all alone to make them eventually stop screaming to "give up" so they are damaged forever are so wrong! This poor woman needs advice NOT criticism! I successfully "ferberized" my son and that doesn't mean I left him in his room by himself for 3 hours crying and now he'll be messed up in the head because of attachment issues hahaha Ferberizing your child means letting them cry for maybe 10 minutes at a time, going back in to let them know that you have not left them for eternity, showing that you care and love them, laying them back down, rubbing their backs and leaving. Hence teaching them how to calm themselves down and go back to sleep on their own. Many people cannot just run in the room every time their child cries and hold them until they stop, they would be doing that all night long and CERTAINLY sanity IS important to parents! The mothers or fathers are not being selfish, they want to make sure that they are not exhausted and have energy for their children and their jobs that they have to go to everyday! I am not opposed to attachment parenting either but you have to figure out which one is best for your family and ultimately, for you. I tried the attachment parenting and rocking my son back to sleep but as soon as I placed him back in his crib he would wake right back up. So for my family it seemed more logical to teach him how to fall asleep by himself. Please just offer suggestions, don't beat people up for parenting a different way! We all need to support eachother not degrade eachother!

Read the book Good Night Sleep Tight by Kim West. www.sleeplady.com
She guides you through getting your baby to sleep in a gentle way with only some tears. It is great, I promise!! It was my saving grace when I was having trouble getting my twins to sleep and take naps. It only took a few days and my babies cried MUCH, MUCH less than I anticipated. It was so easy and made my life so much better. Good luck!

L.- I usually steer clear of these sort of requests because my views tend to not be "popular." However, you sound like a Mom who is truly at her wits end. I don't believe you are intentionally trying to harm or neglect your child. MANY moms on here (as sad as it is) recommend CIO. Many of them do so because it "works" and perhaps their sanity is important, their sleep is important, or they just don't know better. I agree...it does work. But at what expense?

Studies have shown that when babies are left to cry, they are deeply affected. The reason this method works so well, is that after a while, your baby just gives up. Babies can only communicate by crying. They are trying to tell you something. By responding and meeting these needs, our babies learn to trust us. In turn when things like nap time or bedtime roll around, they are easily soothed because they trust Mom will be there IF and WHEN they need them. Most babies who are well responded to will sleep much better than a baby who was left to cry. When left to cry, the baby doesn't understand where Mom is or why they left. They cry longer and harder hoping that you may come. When you don't, you teach them that you are not going to help when they need it. They learn distrust and will eventually give up that anyone will help them. This is just sad. Our babies need to be taught love and trust, not fear and abandonment. A well secure baby is happy and easy to raise. MUCH less stress! Babies CANNOT manipulate. Their brains cant comprehend HOW to manipulate. They just need you. Why do you think he screams so much when you first put him in the crib? Its a place of fear, anxiety and so far what he has learned is when he's there, you disappear from him life. It isn't a safe comforting place for him. Can you imagine this from his point of view?

In addition, gentle sleep solutions are much easier on YOU! How much stress do you feel when its bedtime? Do you dread it? Does your blood pressure raise listening to him scream for hours? I cant imagine it would be easy! Now imagine it takes 20 minutes, or even half an hour to get your baby to sleep by using gentle methods. Then he falls asleep easier, you have the rest of the night, and you just saved hours of crying and aggravation. Would that be worth the extra time it takes to put him down?

There are MUCH gentler ways at helping your baby to sleep better without leaving them to cry. Try Dr. Sears Nighttime Parenting book or The No Cry Sleep Solution. These methods will help your baby sleep without having to leave them cry. They will help you find a way to soothe your baby, meet his needs and help him to learn his crib is a safe place. Then he will develop trust, and putting him down wont be such a nightmare. I know you have your baby's best interest at heart. No one WANTS to leave their baby screaming...some of us just don't know what else to do. You do have other options that are gentler and kinder than crying. If you need anything else, let me know. Hang in there, and good luck!

*Edited to add* L., I have received a letter from a Mom who was concerned that I was being judgemental and attacking you. I wanted to make sure that you didnt feel that way because that was not my intention. I was hoping to point out some of the ramifications of cio and offer other solutions. In the end, you decide, but I want you to know you dont have to resort to crying it out. It CAN be less stressful and it doesnt have to be so awful. As another poster said, research your options and do what is best for your baby. Here is info about cio and the harm it can do, if you care to read.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

My son will be one on December 23. My husband and I are having a similar problem. I started to think that are bed was more comfortable then his and that was the reason so the other night I took one of his plushy blankets and put it onto the mattress then covered it with his sheet it kind of made it like a pillow top, then I gave him the pillow I usually sleep with. He slept from 9pm to 4:30am in the crib and then woke up crying. It didn't solve the problem but it sure did help alittle! Good Luck

Hi L.,
I have never done cry it out with my kids, it wasn't something that I believed in. If you continue to rescue your son from his bed, he will "need" you to fall asleep. I am wondering if you're not missing the right window of opportunity for him. Maybe he is overtired when you put him down at night - I would try an earlier bedtime. As for the nap, if he's over a year, maybe it's time that he goes from two naps to one. I would be concerned that he's not getting the sleep that he needs, and the overtiredness is leading to a bad cycle. You can also discuss his sleep issues with the doctor - although I will say that doctors dont' have training in the parenting aspect such as cry it out versus attachment parenting, but may be able to give advice on how much sleep your son needs at this age
Good luck

L.,

I feel your pain!! I have a 17 month old who recently (last 2 months) has started waking in the night and needs help getting back to sleep. What's toughest for me is that he has been sleeping through the night since he was two months old, and has always been a great napper. He still takes a three hour nap everyday without issue.

Anyway this is what we have been doing. He usually goes down for the night at 7:30 and wakes the first time around 11. I go into his room put his music back on and rock him for 5-10 mins. The next time he wakes is around 3am and I go in again and rock him. Most nights this is it, but if he wakes again before 7 then he comes to bed with me. I am not a huge supporter of long-term co-sleeping (for me) only because I think that a child needs to learn to soothe and comfort themselves, however I have had both of my children in our bed at various times. I think a lot of times a baby goes through phases where the security of mom & dad is necessary. For example when sick, teething or going through some seperation anxiety. I have never let either of my kids cry longer than 5 minutes even at the age of two. I think they need to feel the security that mom or dad will come when they need them. I handled this situation the same way with my daughter who is now three and happily sleeps through the night in her own bed.

I am hoping that this night time phase ends soon for both of us...but in the mean time don't be afraid to cuddle, soothe and even bring you little one to bed with you if needed. Good luck. Contact me if you need to vent!!

H.

His crib might be too hard for him. Have you ever tried sleeping on the crib mattress? Some babies dont mind and others I think have the 'princess & the pea' bodies. I understand why they make hard mattresses for infants, but when a child can turn over some kids need softness. They do sell mattress pads that make the crib softer and they arent expensive.

I would start a little slower. I'd let him fall asleep with you, then gently place him in a pack-n-play by your bed. If he wakes up, soothe him back to sleep and then place him back in the pack-n-play. Once he's used to this (probably a week?), then I'd slowly move the pack-n-play farther from your bed. Once he's sleeping easily in the pack-n-play on the far end of the room, it's time to switch to the crib.

Only after all of that, and he's able to sleep in his crib for a portion of the night, would I start teaching him to soothe himself! I'm a HUGE believer in carefully letting kids "cry it out" (more like fuss it out, really). But one step at a time! Once he's finally in his crib, then definitely try the Ferber method. It really works! Or check out Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby (I think that's the title). I loved that book, and it's worked for a ton of our stubborn kids!

Finally, after he's able to sleep in the crib and soothe himself to (and back to) sleep, THEN work on that pacifier. It's very stressful for a baby to make so many changes at once. So I'd take it slowly.

Good luck! You must be so tired... :)

Dear L.,

If you want your baby to learn to sleep in his crib you are going to have to let him cry it out. By letting him cry for one and a half hours and then giving in and taking him out is sending the wrong message. The only message you are sending is that eventually you will come take him out if he cries long enough. I get a lot of slack for this but if done properly crying it out really works and is not harmful to your baby. You however have to be prepared for a few nights of crying and NOT GIVING IN for it to work. My husband had to hold me down even though were both in agreement that we were so sleep deprived that we had to do it. I never co-slept with my kids, first because I wanted my time with my husband (I was a stay at home mom and needed my space) and two because my husband is 6'3 300lbs. and I was always afraid he would accidentally hurt them. I started the process on a Friday at nap time and went through the weekend this way my husband did not have to get up for work the next day sleep deprived. Do it both nap and bedtime. What you do is put the baby in the crib say night night, I used a music box, put music on and walk out. Every five minutes or so go in lay them back down say night night I love you and walk out. This is the hard part because they are going to be mad as hell and cry harder. Keep checking on them and repeat the process. This will show them that you have not abandoned them but are not going to take them out of the crib. It should only take three nights and by the fourth night you should have a sleeping baby. If you give in and take them out you will only have to start over. Like I said it will break your heart but trust me he will still love you in the morning. Just look at it as teaching your child to self-soothe and it is a step towards sleeping independence. Not everyone believes in crying it out and as I said it is an individual decision for each family. But you sound like you are at your wits end and if this is going to cause problems in your relationship then I think this is a good solution. As far as the pacifier my daughter loved her pacifier too. She is now 19 and trust me she didn't take it away to college with her. It's up to you how you want to handle it. I never let my daughter walk around with it she had to keep it in her crib to use for naps and bedtime. Good luck keep me posted.

Kudos to CF my feelings exactly, we are not here to judge, criticize, or insult we are here to help each other. Jenn H, and Tara need to be more sensitive to the needs of all of us moms doing the best we can. The implications that we are lazy and not mothering is insulting and uncalled for. L. as I said it is personal choice and what ever works for your family. Good luck!!