Moving Out of State with Consent

Updated on October 05, 2013
S.M. asks from Apex, NC
12 answers

Currently I've been legally separated from husband for 5 months. Divorce won't be final until May of next year. We don't have separation papers signed and I would like to move back to the midwest with our 2 daughters. Husband has a girlfriend and has been dating her since before he moved out. If I get his consent can I move back home where my family lives? I know I should talk to my lawyer but I wanted to ask my question here first as she is expensive. So far we have been quite ammicable about most or all issues. We don't fight over anything really.

My strategy is that if I offer to lower the child support payments by 20% that money could help pay to have the kids fly back to see him every other month for a long weekend. Does anyone have experience with long distance custody scheduling. Please share any feedback you may have. Pro's & cons, etc.

I don't want a huge battle, I want to negotiate with husband so that I can be closer to my familly. My plan is to move home, get a job, go back to college and start a new life! For the last 5 years we have celebrated all birthdays and holidays without family because we are too far away. Ugh!

What can I do next?

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answers from Louisville on

I asked my attorney this question. Obviously, you and I live in different states, but on a whole, the answer still makes sense.

According to my attorney, the court frowns upon either parent moving with the child(ren) prior to the finalized divorce agreement. The state you are currently living in has jurisdiction over your divorce and child custody. Should you leave the state with your children prior to a finalized decree, you could - potentially - refuse to return to your state for any court matters. Then the state has to undergo the expense to have you extradited back to your home state to finalize your divorce.

Of course, you can say you'd never do something like that, but *everyone* says they'll "never" do anything bad, wrong, unethical, immoral, etc.

There's also the matter of interrupting your daughter's relationship with her father, which is far more important than your desire to move on.

ETA: of course, you could give your husband custody of your children, so that they stay in a stable place while YOU move, then you can visit them every couple of months.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You may be ready to move on with YOUR life...but you already created a life for your daughter and I think it is cruel to take her so far away from her daddy.

Please stay near her father..please. I am a child of divorce and occasional weekend visits are not enough to keep a strong relationship bond. Sure, you may get the "right" to move so far away. But it is not right.

Your little girl needs you and daddy as much as possible in her life. Not occasional weekend visits. Do I have any experience with long distance scheduling? Not as an adult. But as a kid it was horrible and I hated it. I became daddy's visiting child who they played with for the weekend then I went away and their real life started back up. I was simply the visitor in my daddy's home.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Can you imagine if you only saw your daughters once every two months for three day?
If I were your husband I would absolutely put up a fight about this.
You have great plans for yourself...but your girls come first. If your husband is a good man then your daughters deserve to have them in their lives. You can get a job, go back to school, and start a new life where you are without moving.
It actually seems pretty selfish to me to want to take away a father's children.
You don't want a battle? Then don't move out of state. Because is someone were to try and take my kids from me I would fight them tooth and nail.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Even though you claim "amicable divorce" and you've deleted your past posts I can read between the lines. Your husband cheated on you with his current girlfriend. How in the world could this be amicable? What you're suggesting on doing sounds very spiteful. You're basically asking if you can "negotiate" or rather convince your husband to damage his relationship with his daughters by separating them.

Yes, his affair harmed you and it harmed you as a family. That still doesn't give you the right to intentionally alienate him from his children emotionally or physically with distance.

You need to make a new life but you still need to include him in it for the sake of your children. Think about them first. EVEN IF HE DOESN'T you need to. You need to be the reasonable one in court. You need to be above board. You need to appear as if you're not being selfish at all and as if everything you do is for those children. But you need to be sincere.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Sorry. DO NOT do ANYTHING without a lawyer. PERIOD.

You don't fight over anything - so why are you getting a divorce? Because he took you away from your family? I don't get it.

Why is this about YOU and NOT your children?
Why not put your kids first? Would YOU make a deal with your husband to let him move away from you? I don't think so.

So please. Put your kids first. Go to school in NC. There are a lot of great schools there. YOU can fly back and see your family.

You aren't happy - because WHY? Oh sorry - we can't read your other questions because you went through and deleted them mature of you. It's almost like you're acting like my 96 year grandmother...if she turns her hearing aids off or covers her ears - she can't hear us....Someone needs to tell you to grow up.

This man - your husband? He's gonna be in your life for a LONG time. Instead of trying to stick it to him and punish him for your mistakes? Why not take a deep breath and LEARN how to co-parent with him. Your children will be much better off for it. Put your kids first. Stop thinking of what YOU want.

No dirty tricks.
No taking the kids away from him.
Get counseling. Learn to deal with the mistakes you made and learn from them. Don't punish your kids because YOU aren't happy being away from your mommy.

Good luck!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I realize that you want to be back with the support system and safety net that your family offers. I don't know if your husband will be happy with this change. It depends on how big a role he wants to play in his daughters' lives. I don't know what his current visitation set up is, but it is probably a lot more often than one weekend every other month. How much will he be paying in child support and what does the 20% off represent? Price out two round trip unaccompanied minor fares on an airline from your new location to your old location and see how this figures into the equation. Is this reasonable? Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

You are not being honest in this post! You can delete your questions, but until they pull it, your answers are still there. I've answered some of your previous questions. Your divorce is not amicable. You mention his girlfriend b/c you have issue with her. What you are trying to do is out of spite. I am sure he will fight you on this and your children are old enough to be asked their opinion.

I get it, you're hurt. He did you dirty. You are going to have to let it go. You can't control him and you are hurting yourself and children in trying to.

You can get your life together where you are or you can leave and be the one to fly in or fly them out to you. You have to stop, if we can see through you, what makes you think his attorney, mediator or judge wouldn't?

My original response:
I think there are a lot of variables here that weren't given. The bottom line is that the courts look at what's in the best interest of the children.

You move back home and you don't even have a job, so I assume your sole source of income would be child support? Then you want to reduce that by 20%, how are you going to survive? How is that better for them than being in your current state? You want to go to school, that's good and all, but how are you going to support them while you are in school? Who will watch after them? These are all questions that are need solid, reasonable answers.

How often does he see them now? Every other month for a long weekend isn't much. That's only 6 times a year they will see their father and that's only if he can afford to fly them out. Really if he agrees to this, you should be the one flying them out, not him. How is that in the best interest of the children?

If, during the past 5 years you haven't been able to get home to visit family, why do you think it's going to be easy now? You are also talking about taking your girls from everything that they know, so you can start over. That's not really balanced.

I don't know how old your children are, but if they are a little older in age, courts sometimes ask them what they want. You didn't tell their ages, so I don't know if that's the case here. You have an easy relationship with him right now, but try to take his kids away from him and it can go left fast.

Not sure what his girlfriend has to do with anything, unless your thinking is that he has already started to move on and you want to do the same.

You need to think long and hard about this then discuss it with your attorney. When you are thinking about it, consider his relationship with his daughters now. If he is very active in their lives, gets them on a regular basis, pays his child support on time without issues, my guess is that he won't consent.

It's hard being away from family, but you have to remember that he is their family.

Good luck.

ETA: If he does agree to this it needs to be more like he gets them every summer for the entire summer and long school breaks. That is the only way it could be semi- balanced. So Spring break, Christmas break and the day or so after school ends until a few days before it starts. Keep in mind the toll it will take on the girls too.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

No, no, no. You are being VERY foolish here. You have to have a lawyer and you have to have a court order. You want the moon here. He's going to be "amiable" until he gets you to agree to a reduction in money. THEN he's going to put handcuffs on you and you'll RUE THE DAY you negotiated in good faith without a lawyer doing this for you.

Stop looking through rose-colored glasses. I assure you that he WON'T.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Really this must be worked out with your lawyer.
Get everything all worked out with a nice legal court order.
You do not want him pulling anything like having you arrested for kidnapping your own kids - then you'd be doing time while he had custody.
Stranger things have happened.
You are going to need that support money to help take care of your girls.
Offering to reduce it sounds like a really bad idea.
Flying 6 times a year for a weekend would be more than most kids could handle.
What about him coming to visit them?
How old are your kids?
Maybe they could come visit dad for a few weeks during the summer.

Google 'Long distance custody agreements' and you'll find lot's of advice.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dover on

You may be allowed to move with his consent but being the one that moves, technically, you may be the one responsible for the transporation costs. I understand you wanting to move closer to your family but moving away from their dad is not really fair to your children or him. It is also assuming that you will retain placement of them. How would you feel if he consented to the move but then custody was given to him and you became the non-custodial parent?

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

My sis is going through an 'amicable' divorce in NC. The judges she's met seem VERY conservative. Unless your hubby has NO objection, I don't think a judge will rule in your favor. My sis & her hubby moved to NC a few months before their separation. Her hubby begged the courts to let him take the kids back to their previous state where they had lived their entire lives (all kids born there too). My sis said she wanted to raise them in NC. Judge ruled with my sis...they have joint custody. Hubby stayed in NC, too. Their divorce was amicable UNTIL custody came up...that's when things get ugly!!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I agree with the others that you have to negotiate this along with your lawyer, but maybe should re-think this idea. A good friend of mine also had an "amicable" divorce, and actually her husband moved away (from San Francisco to Boston). Fast forward a few years of him flying back and forth every other month to see their daughter for a few days, and now he has re-married. The new wife objects to him spending all this money flying back and forth. He is now suing for full custody. It's ridiculous because he hasn't been all that involved with his daughter up until this point, but still my friend is having to spend all her time and money in court fighting him.

Bottom line, it's really hard on the kids in situations like this. My friend's daughter just seems so sad all the time. I think if her parents at least lived on the same coast (but ideally, if she got to see both of them every week) she would be a lot happier. Her mom is a great mom, but dad is just never there, and it's really hard.

1 mom found this helpful
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