Moving on After a Divorce

I did this for 12 years on my own and I don't know what to say other than you just do what you have to do. Guilt will be part of it and you will have to learn to get through it. Times are a bit different from my single parenting, as I was held back from making better money, due to the "times". Thankfully we are past those "times" for the most part.

First and foremost, know that it is NORMAL to feel guilty even if you were not the cause of the divorce. Also, know that it is going to take some time to feel better but that IT WILL HAPPEN. In the meantime, focusing on your child's needs will take your mind off the far future (and the fear for it), which is something you don't need to waste your mental energies on. So take a day at the time. When I separated my child was 2 and it was HARD to raise him alone, it still is and he is almost 4 but it is A LOT better than it was. Focusing on him made days, and then weeks, and then months fly by...in this time I experienced feelings of failure, loneliness (even if I had company), fear, guilt (for my son not having his dad), confusion...BUT NOW, after leaving all of this behind my back and after seeing what a wonderful job I am doing ALL ALONE with my child, I feel STRONG, CONFIDENT, like I can do it. Even my outlook on men has changed and I feel like I don't need them, it'll be my choice to have one by my side one day. I say, give yourself time to heal inside, every wound bleeds for a while...but we mommies are so lucky to have the highest source of love ever...our children! Having them is the most important thing,anything else, with time and with a grain of salt on our part,will come. I garantee you are going to feel so much stronger...because you can do it, you really can! Surround yourself with caring people that know you and love you, ask for help if you need (who doesn't) and keep yourself focused on raising this wonderful little life..the rest will come when you are ready to accept it. Good luck (but you are smart and you won't need it ;-)

I would definitely get into a divorce support group. It was vital to my sanity when my divorce was final in January.

http://www.divorcecare.org/

you can find a location near you on their website.

don't start dating anytime soon. if you do, it'll be out of lonliness which isn't what is best for your daughter. dating for the wrong reasons will just breed another relationship destined to fail and that's not what you need right now.

good luck!!!

Hi L.,

Just the fact that you're worried about making the best choices makes it clear that you are a great mom and you WILL make good choices.

My divorce was finalized YESTERDAY after a year and a half of trying to negotiate with my ex. Anyway, at this point I feel like I've moved on pretty well (our marriage ended almost two years ago). It definitely isn't easy... I guess I was lucky because my son's dad was NEVER terribly involved in our family, so the juggling is nothing new to me. However, just remember, that you do not need to be both mother and father. If you try that, you'll fail. You can't be her father. If her father isn't a good one, so be it... you are a great mommy!

The hardest part for me has been trying to make time/decisions for myself without feeling guilty. I've come to realize over the last year that my son is happy when I'm happy. Sometimes he DOES have to play by himself because it's best for both of us if I can get the house clean and dinner made. I also give myself permission to have private phone conversation with my best friend each day while he plays. Sure he'd rather I give him my attention, but I'm a happier, better adjusted person when I have another adult to vent to.

I wish you luck in everything. I know you will make great choices for you and your little girl!

HTH
T.

Hi L.,

I have been divorce twice. The first time we got married way too young, he was barely 19 and I was barely 17. We divorced when I was 23 and our son was 2. It was hard but our marriage had been over for a while. I had to move back home and was really scared cause I had never been on my own. His dad was a great dad which was always very involved so I didn't have to worry about having to be the mommy and daddy.

My second divorce was totally different, I got remarried 11 years later but should never had happened. I married for the wrong reasons and was miserable. I was trying so hard to make it work. My son's dad left when I was 16 weeks pregnant while I was on bed rest and he never wanted to get married, he felt pressured by his mom. He wanted me to have an abortion. He abandoned us and disappeared until my son was almost 6 months old and he only comes around when it's convenient for him. I have to be the best mommy and daddy that I can and he knows that he can always count and depend on me to take care of him and pick up the pieces when he falls. The only thing is that I have ever felt guilty about is that I married his dad because I actually thought his dad would actually care enough about me or him to change but he is still always will be the selfish, immature person that I met. I feel bad for my son that one day he will see what kind of person his dad is. I just pray that his dad will have a wake up call and change for his special needs son.

My suggestion to you is to not to overload your self in thinking that you have to be with your daughter 24/7. You need "ME" time cause if not you will get burned out and break. You will be the best mommy and daddy you can and you will make the best decisions for you and your daughter. Take it slow and it all will work it self out. Make some mommy/daughter date nights too.
I hope this helps,
M.

You can do it and everyone here on mamapedia is here to support you!

I got divorced two years ago and I have three kids. I have two kids that are older (19 and 15) and one that is 6. It is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. My family turned their back on me and I basically had to start over with a support system. I did it and I am stronger! The first year was an uphill battle all the way. I learned to enjoy the moment. The second year was still hard but a could see a light. I would suggest that you don't look for a magical outlet because it won't happen! You would probably get yourself in deeper if you get involved in another relationship.

My best advice is for you to learn to love yourself and your child will gain all of his or her strength from you. Do not put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect. It will be a building process for everyone and you can do it. Don't give up when times seem hard. It will be hard but just sit back and appreciate every moment you are together with your baby. If you feel like ordering a pizza and watching cartoons then do it. There is no one to tell you that you can't. Look at each moment as a learning experience and when it comes around next time you have some previous knowledge.

You've received some excellent responses here so there isn't much to add. Just know that there will be times when you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, guilty, sad, angry, and the entire range of negative emotions. There will also be times when you experience positive emotions and feelings of confidence, happiness, etc. You will get through it all, sometimes with tears and sometimes with a smile on your face. Each person's experience is uniquely their own. Do NOT be embarrassed or hesitant if you find you need lots of support. There are some excellent support groups that can be of great help help. Focus your attention on your little one's needs. Do your best to take the time to really listen to and be aware of what is going on in her life as she tries to adjust to her new circumstances. Your daughter is looking to you as her model in dealing with all this. Do not disparage her father and be as confident and positive as you can when you can. It is important for her to know that you will BOTH get through this--sometimes with tears and sadness and sometimes with smiles and laughter but you WILL get through it and may come out the better for it. I wish you and your little daughter the very best!

Speaking as a single mom myself of 3 girls...Prayer, Prayer and more Prayer. God will provide if you allow him to be a part of your life. Guilt is not from God so every time those thoughts creep in pray against that and think instead of the verse in the bible that says "God is a Father to the Fatherless" meaning he only wants the very best for us and will fill in those gaps that you may feel are lacking : )

Keep positive, Good Luck and enjoy that little girl...time flies.

Find a good support network. When I went through my divorce, a couple who I go to church with told me I was welcome to their place any time. They live right down the street from me. Whenever I was lonely or depressed. or wanting just to laugh, I was welcomed! They helped me through so much! I also counseled with my pastor, which helped alot. A women's bible study was also fun. I also enjoyed finding myself again. I had sacrificed all of my hobbies and interests to trying to please my ex husband. With him gone, and not jealous of my spotlight, I was able to sing again, and do the things I've always enjoyed doing, but sacrificed for him. In doing these things, I've become happier, making me a more fun mommy. Find fun hobbies to do with your daughter, make lasting memories. My daughter and I love to go for walks together, play in parks, swim, go to plays. I can go on and on!
Don't be in a rush to date, the right guy will come along eventually. If you rush it, you may end up with the same type of person you just left. I've re-discovered I like me. Without a man, being the best mommy I can be. Mr. Right may come along later, but I'm enjoying single-motherhood now.