I have some concerns that I wanted other opinions on. I am going to be moving in with a friend due to circumstances, my hubby will not be moving with us. We are not separating or anything, just a season we must go through. I am concerned about living with someone else in their house. I am most concerned about how to deal with being told how to deal with my daughter, I am concerned that she is older and has grown children and grandchildren that she will tell me what will be happening with my daughter and it will cause a clash. She said something to me last night that made me think this may be an issue. I am okay with living in her house, and following her rules, just worried about how it will work out as a mom.
*Note she will be also watching my daughter most of the time. .
I have spoken to her, and she never meant to come off in that manner. She is aware that I am the mommy. I feel 1000% better. We are both church members and have agreed that our Pastor and Elders will help us make sure all things are covered before we move in to make sure there is nothing that might go ary. Thank you all for the time you have taken.
My husband is a medical student and this is the make or break year, so we decided that he would live elsewhere during the week and return the home base on the weekends and holidays.
We ended changing our plans to a different place to live which is close to our current sitter. I am much happer about that. I was worried about changing her sitter and about the whole situation..
I would like to thank everyone for their input...
Cheryle,
You may want to consider that she does have experience and has most likely been thru a lot of situations with kids. Her advise may be some worth listening to....
W. M
Living with someone you do have to abide by their rules in the house but they do not have the right to tell you how to parent your child I don't know what these other people are talking about. She can give you advice if you want it on the side but not in front of your child. There are rules you may have to follow such as no shoes in the house, not eating in the living room and such but the rules shouldn't involve parenting. If she is a good friend she will understand your concerns. Also do what is best for you and your family. If this will help your family in the long run-go for it.
God Bless to you and your family!!
Before you move in, Take her to coffee and sit down and do something referred to as a LEVELLING of EXPECTATIONS, often used in business deals. Ask her what she expects, her definitions of her needs, how she sees the situation as beneficial for her, her needs and concerns. Address them fully. Then, compliment and thank her for allowing you and your daughter to come into her home and tell her what you would feel no matter what, but not put it on her and ask if you can decide now how to show your appreciation and respect while she cares for your daughter but also honor your role as mother.
Perhaps dote on her and give her a special name and encourage the bond, so few children have people willing to share a home even if for rent and also care for the child. Taking care of another's child is huge and it is not watching..it is giving, cooking, cleaning, soothing, disciplining ( lets call it shaping) and it is wonderful you trust her.
Ask her who helped her, what she would do different, this can grow into something life long..I also know how hard it is to leave your child or feel overwhelmed by big personalities..you are Lauren's mother.. that will never change.
You say you are not separating from your husband- just a season to go through- actually you ARE separating and going to live with a friend. Because you are living in someone's house you are expected to live by their rules-you would expect the same if someone moved into your home. And you must also be willing to deal with their involvement in your child's life. You open that door by living with the person AND having that person be the child's caretaker MOST OF THE TIME as you state.
Personally, I think you ought to find some other solution to your dilema. If you have a "season to go through" go through it with your husband... whatever it takes. This will not only be difficult for you, have you thought about the child. This child won't have their Dad in their life either. This may not just be a season for your child; it may be a storm that brings an additional set of problems. If there is a problem with drugs or drinking that is unhealthy to be around- why doesn't your husband make the move so you and, especially the child, are displaced.
I say don't choose this option for yourself and your child. Look for a better solution because all your doing it trading one set of problems for another set of problems.. and you're likely to lose a friend as a bonus.
Hi C. -
The details about why you are moving out are so vague; I want to suggest that you work on everything else before leaving the home - but I cannot be certain whether that is wise...If your intuition is going off that this (moving in with this friend) may not be a good situation, I would seriously consider not moving at this time and/or looking for a more suitable arrangement. Also, as an adult and as a mother, it seems funny to me that you are moving into a house that the owner expects you to "follow her rules etc..." This should be more of either a friend is helping you out or you are renting a room? Then she really has little say other than smoking, drugs, alcohol - not how to raise your child/live your life.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best.
Dear C.,
Red flags going up all over...please read private message.
Blessings....
C.-
It's okay to be nervous about a new situation, but the severity of concern in your post makes me (and other responders) uncertain that this is the best situation you are walking into. Sometimes we really need to heed warnings Otherwise you risk getting into something you cannot easily back out of once you are in too deep. I'd think long and hard about finding another solution, even if you do have to be away from hubby for unknown reasons (like if he is getting drug/alcohol treatment). Start looking for a small place, a rental from a church member, etc. You can still use the woman for childcare, but it may be a really tense situation if you are also living there and she 'expects you to follow her rules'. That one makes me question her motives. Rules like 'no drugs/alcohol/partying' are a no brainer, but what else is she thinking? Take care, and I feel if you really want a different solution, one will come up, but you may have to do some legwork to find it. Hope it all works out.
D.
I haven't been in your situation, though I can imagine how it would be. How good of friends are you with this person?
I think the best thing to do before moving in is to sit down and have an honest friendly conversation about "expectations." You need to know where she's coming from and she definitely needs to know where you are coming from. From her response, you might feel that moving in with her will be a good or bad decision. Either way, you both will have a clear understanding of the other person's "vision" for sharing a home and child care duties. Also, should you decide to move in and problems arise, you can refer back to the expectations conversation. Hopefully, after having this conversation, there will be no "surprises" for either of you in the future.
That's my 2 cents. Hope it helps. Good luck!
Hi C.,
Is there any way you could move in with someone else or live on your own? It sounds like this is already and issue and this will affect your friendship. Even if it meant moving into a small studio apartment by yourself, wouldn't that be better? You could then find childcare for your daughter. Its hard to comment further because you didn't state all the reasons why you are leaving, how long etc. Good luck!
Molly
