Moving Disaster

J.,

From the information given, if you move in with your mother-in-law, under these circumstances, your marriage will not survive. I agree with the other women that you will be on her turf now and the problems you are having with her will only be compounded.

Your husband sounds like he thinks that since he is the one bringing home the paycheck, he makes the decision. It is your job to educate him that that is wrong. I can not even begin to tell you on how many levels counseling is needed for your family. Since your husband isn't listening to you, you need to find a way to work this out with out anger, arguing and separation. You left out any information on YOUR financial situation. So it is hard to give ideas. I am going to go on the premise that money is tight for your family.

Counseling help can come from anywhere if you have insurance for it. If no insurance there should be a community counseling center in your nearby area that charges on a sliding scale. It still could be close to $50 but if it gets you any help it will be well worth it.(I can attest to the fact that even just a separation can be quiet costly) If you or your parents go to a church, see if there is any counseling through that. Usually it is free for the first few times.

If you need to move, look into finding a less expensive place and give your mother-in-law the difference in rent. DO NOT MOVE INTO YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW'S PLACE! I don't know your boys ages but you need to think of them as well as yourself. You will be with your mother-in-law all the time since you are a SAHM. Basically be open to just about any other scenario except the one your husband is wanting. But once you move in there you will be more likely to stay until you walk out.

Take this situation by the horns today, right now. Call around and see where you can get help for your communication with your husband. If needed, see if you can get financial help from your parents. If you have a checking and savings account put 1/2 to 3/4 of the amounts in an account for you and your boys. That may be extreme sounding but that will be the first thing he does to control you (removing your access to any $). You can always put it back once things are worked out. I know how easy it seems to go along with what your husband so get some help RIGHT NOW.

I could go on with more but I don't want to overwhelm you anymore than I already have. If you need any moral support or help finding counseling please contact me through email.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

So does your husband always make important decisions without your input? that doesn't sound like a very good thing. There's a real lack of respect and communication. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN WOMAN!!! you are the woman of the household, and if you move in you lose your place in the home. there can only be one in charge and it's her home so it's her rules. I told my husband under no circumstances will we ever move into our parents house or vice versa. We will help them out in any way possible, but "This is my house and I'm keeping it that way!" Tell your hubby that. Let him know how you feel when she undermines your athority as a wife and mother, especially when she does it in front of the kids. and who is she to say that you cannot discipline your kids? you popped them out, you decide how thy are raised. Once you move in it will pretty much be a showdown between the both of you and your husband will have to choose sides... and if he is close to his mom he just might forget about his dear ol' wifey and run to mommie dearest. You don't need more tension in your relationship.

If she really does need help let him know that you are more than willing to help her out... from a distance. She is a grown woman and knows how to take care of herself... Remind your husband that. Be firm and stand your ground.

My husband and I have this rule for big decisions: we L.U.V. talk Listen Understand and Validate... we both tell each other what we want (in full without interuptin each other) until the other one gets it. then we try to comprimise. If we can't then we don't do it simple as that. There are times when we find a way to work it out and times when we can't and we don't do something. But it has helped us communicate and make BIG decisions TOGETHER. Good luck and be confident that the TWO of you will make the right choice for YOUR family TOGEHTER.
>hugs<

J.! A: One bedroom for the four of you will be cramped. And even if you all aren't in the same room, it sounds like tight accomodations! B: Your reluctance to move in is obviously a source of tension now. So how do you think it will be when you move in??? You are putting yourself at risk for becoming resentful! C: IF you move in you need to lay down the law with Grandma and make ground rules regarding her interactions with your kids. Actually you need to do that anyway. She is being disrespectful when she out right defies you and that is something your boys will pick up on and will be prone to imitating. D: I would research apartments/houses in the area close to her trailer and find somewhere your family can stay.
Moving in with her has caused so much stress already and it will only get worse when you get there. Your husband should have talked this over with you instead of making this decision without you.
You have VALID VALID points. Please do something about this before your sanity and marriage go out the window!

Hi -- First of all, when you talk to your husband, you both need to discuss the logic of this decision -- the pro's and con's. Get data, think it through; acknowledge what the other person says and consider it -- don't just immediately react. Moving is a huge amount of work, time consuming and a big committment and this particular move represents a huge lifestyle change for all 5 of you.

Here are some things to consider --
1) Mom's house is HER space. She owns it. She has her ways of doing things which you, your boys and your husband will have to respect. You will not have the freedom to create the space the way you want as a wife. She will feel invalidated or made to feel unimportant if you two move into her space and start changing it. She may SAY it is okay, but watching it happen is different. It becomes very real and uncomfortable.

It is the wife's duty to care for her home (or delegate to another to care for it if you are working). It is the husbands duty to provide a home for his wife and his children. This is basic to any marriage. Mom's home is mom's home, not yours, nor will it ever be yours as long as she is living.

2)You are a family of 4 moving into one bedroom. Mom lives in the other bedroom. Where is the bedroom for the boys? And as they grow, what problems will ensue? If they fight, how do you seperate them?

3) Crunching everyone together will cause increased tension and stress for you, the boys, your husband, and ESPECIALLY MOM. She is not used to that much noise and motion 24/7.

4) It is best for you to have your own space and mom to have her own space -- as in living seperately. Even if you are willing to make the sacrifices it takes to live with mom -- it will be much harder on mom than on any of you. It may sound like a good idea but it will get old very fast especially in such tight quarters for the quantity of people. There is an old saying -- I don't remember the quote exactly -- something like "What do fish and house guests have in common? They both begin to smell after 3 days."

5) If you MUST MOVE SOMEONE then consider a) having mom move into your leased house with you or b) getting another place big enough for all of you, one that is not already "owned" by mom, nor "owned" by you. And you combine both households into one new space -- 3 bedrooms minimum -- four is best. (I don't know where you live or your ability to afford a bigger space.)Or is this move to save you money in lease payments? If so, is the fighting and stress on the marriage worth it?

6) And whatever you do, discuss and put in writing beforehand, simple rules that you ALL agree to. Example: The boys are allowed candy only on weekends after their chores are done in (some limited amount.) Never give the boys candy in the evening after 6:00 pm as the sugar may keep them awake then they will not be well rested and will be grumpy the next day and we all will suffer. Etc.

It may be too frustrating for Mom to have her things, her space, her routines constantly invaded. It may be nearly impossible for her to live by your parental rules. You are the mom, you and your husband set the rules and the lifestyle for the boys. Period.

If she doesn't want to move in with you because she doesn't want to give up HER home, she is correct. And the same applies to you. Mom may be put on disability but how much independence is she willing to give up?

I loved my mom tremendously. I preserved that love by never living with her after I reached adulthood or trying to take over her home, or put myself at the effect of her rules. Almost all parents feel the need to continue to teach their children, and fail to grant them the respect of being adults who make their own decisions, even when Mom is in her 70's and the child is in her 50's. I know. I am 58.

Please,do not use anything I have said here to make your husband wrong. You love him and he loves you and the boys,and he loves his mom. This is a problem he is trying to solve and he is trying to do the right thing. You two are a TEAM. You two need to work together as TEAM and work out the best decision for all concerned.

Let me know if this helps. K. S.

Hi J.
First I'd like to say that I am sorry to hear about your situation and the recent plaement of disability on your in-law. What i was wondering is did your husband consult with you about the move? It is important that the two of you are together in this decision, teamwork. I do understand that you in-law is in need of financial help, and you should choose to help her. Just so that you know, there are many resources available out there. I know this,because it was my job to find resources for my clients who were disabled.
I see a disaster in the future. Living with in-laws is something I am familiar with. I lived withmy father in law for 3 years and I felt that I was losing my mind. At that time we did not have children. During a 2 week vacation in S. America, (thinking Time) i decided that I could no longer live with him without risking loosing total respect and wanting him to be involved in our lives once we had children. I returned determined that my husband and I were moving, with a not so happy husband. My husbands reasoning was that we were not going ot be able to financially help his fahter. What I realized was that he and I had made a commitment to eahc other To take care of each other and our family, everyone else came second. Of course, when illness or hardships come we need to compromise, to a certain extent. Your mother in law sound like mine. Lots of candy, does not respect our rules and treats our son like a baby (literraly)Heer ways have made a dent in how i feel about her and about when she can visit or not. I finally had to put my foot down and let my husband knoe that if she did not follow our requests she could not visit ou\r home. My husband had a fit, (and sometimes will get mad still) but he realized how much stress she was bringing to our relationship and the visits. We need to be acitve participants in such lifechanging decisions, no matter what.
Just a last note. My husband, son and I live withmy mother in Glendale. We were able to add an additional section to her home(she had a large lot)so that we had our own space. Overall it has worked out great. She has her own space and we have our own. all under the same roof. Try making a list of other options that include yoor inla before discussing it with your husband.

Let me tell you we fell a little on hard times and have lived with in laws for the last 3 months and his mother is exactly as you described. Have never been more miserable and neither has he - there are also younger siblings still in the house but we have never fought like this before and i have never ended up spending the night at my mothers until we moved in with them. And he especially thought he could get away with anything since living with his parents - i have since convienced him he's wrong but there never would have been that struggle had we not lived here. It's like he regressed to an 18 year old agian - maybe you could talk him into living closer just not with, i really wish you alllllllll the luck i can with this!! I will be praying for you

J.-i would not want to move either.you are already set up in your own house and space and to move into someone else's place will be difficult.my husband and i lived with my husbands family when we first moved here and it was a housefull as well.my mom always told me a house is never big enough for more than 1 family,and it was true for us.it was difficult for my husband to focus on our family as everyone else was there and felt he had to deal with their issues as well.i can see your husband wanting to support his mother but maybe finding a different way other than moving the whole family....best wishes to you.

Oh my!
Are you his 3rd child or his EQUAL partner?
If its the 1st then you have no choice, as most kids dont when it comes to important issues such as this.
If it's the 2nd then you have a voice in this matter because you are and ADULT!
I like my in-laws but living/being around them Full time All the time....no thank you!
They've got habits that we dont just as Im sure we've got habits that they dont (his Dad smokes...we dont).
You dont live in a poverty country...there is assistance out there if you want/need to make it on your own.
I say this only because it sounds like the choice has already been made for ALL of you, not just for himself.
If she is having problems, those are for HER to deal with because she is an adult.
Sounds like you guys have your own sets of problems w/out her adding to it.
Your problems will NOT go away living in a space like sardines!
Being that this is HER home, she will initially be nice about it but in no time at all you ALL will be feeling the brunt of cramped quarters.
Shes not gonna give up HER living space for the 4 of you so wont that just be so warm and cozy everyone trying to fit into 1 room? Even if your kids should sleep out in the living room, where's their privacy?
Do you trust her enough so that maybe you can get a job and have her watch your kids in exchange for you guys "helping" her out?
#1 This will bring in more money so that maybe it will speed up the amount of time you "have to" be there.
#2 Maybe you can start putting away money into an acct for times like this when you feel there's no way out...like your opinion doesnt count??
When will you be finished with school? If you dont want to take on a job, can you maybe take full time course to speed up the process of graduating?
Good Luck and keep us posted :-)

Dear J.,
You are looking for tips to make your move smoother? It sounds like to me you are looking for tips to get out of your move! Listen to what your intuition (or gut) is saying to you. Why is your husband making the decisions for your family? Why are you not involved in the decision making? Did his mom ever ask to be helped out financially or is your husband assuming she needs the help? There has to be another way you can help her out! My suggestion to you is this: Speak up! Put your foot down and tell him No Way!!!! Do it in a calm and loving way though. Do not deny that his mom needs the help, but there's got to be a better way! I know I wouldn't move in with my mother-in-law, and I have a pretty cool one! You need your own space!!!! Best of luck to you!

Oh my gosh...do you even need to ask?! If you move in with his mother, you and your husband will be so on the rocks. I think you already know that you should not do it. There are other ways to help his mom than to move in with her in tight quarters when she will be sabotaging your kids' development and well-being not to mention getting between you and your husband. It is unreasonable for him to expect you to just give in to what he wants. It should be a joint decision and a compromise...not him dictating your lives. You shouldn't "give 'til it hurts", b/c that will leave you bitter, depressed and angry all the time! Good luck!

Hello J.,

I totally understand were you are right know, and I am sorry you too are going thru these.
About 2 years ago my-inlaws asked us if they could build in our property, beacuse they wanted to retired and so on an so forth, we gave in thinking they would be on the other side of the house, but let me tell you it is a nightmare. My mother in law is very controlling and loves to try to help, but WE NEED OUR SPACE, OUR OWN HOME. Everything is very stressfull to me also.

Talk to you husband and see if you can come out with other options, help his mother manage her finances, cut back on the debt. I do not know, I just know what I am going thru I would hate for you to thru what I go thru every singel day. I have going home, I cant even go to MY back yard in peace with out her looking at what I am doing.
I am sorry to say, but things for you will be harder because you will be in Her house.

Talk to you husband and set up a plan, Find out other way to help her out.

It will be better for your marriage.

and last but not least, pray for strenght and wisdom.
Good luck

C.

thats a tough decision, i think if he wants to help his mom, thats his duty and his business, that should not impede on you and your rights and the way you want to raise your family. Maybe if he has siblings they can all take turns helping instead of it all being on his shoulders. I really don't think you should be forced to live with her unless there is no other option.

I am so sorry. I have been "moved in" with my inlaws twice in our marriage and both times I found a small apt with intentions of divorcing and he moved with me, which was great! I am going to advise you to follow your husband and do your best to make it work. I would also let him know that if your relationship with your sons or him becomes compromised, it is no longer going to work for you, but that you fully intend to put your best foot forward and will give it at least 6 months (or whatever time you feel is appropriate). I would also advise you to do your best to be very respectful to her, as she is your childrens grandmother and the only other person on the planet who loves your husband as much (or more) then you do, and being a mother of boys, you can see where she is coming from, LOL! Anyways, good luck, and try to talk with him more about what your afraid is going to happen and what you hope can happen and what you (as in you both) might have to do if it doesn't work. Mine is a terrible communicator and takes most of what I say wrong, so I understand if this is a daunting task, but be patient, and it may help.