Moving Daughter's Senior Year

This is a response from a military brat who went to 3 different high schools, it is what it is. If her mom moves, then that's life. I assume she wouldn't move without a means to support herself and daughter, so a job change would be the reason. It's not the end of the world, really it's not.

Also, a lot of people don't have the movie version of a high school senior year - even if she loves it now there is no guarantee next year will be amazing.

With that being said, if you are so concerned about it, which is kind of you, offer for her to stay with you to finish out school. But her mom may not want to be away from her. I don't think her moving on with her life is selfish, but her timing may be a bit off.

I agree that it would be tough, however it is done all the time. Think of those military families that move every couple of years, those children learn to make friends and adapt to new situations very quickly. My hubby was an Air Force kid and I swear he can make a friend in line at the grocery store!!!

M

I realize you have already put out that you would wait and see and stay out but.....I would ask sil what her thoughts are and if she is worried, she should talk to her mom. Maybe if she wants you for support, be there, but she is old enough to address this herself. She should ask mom to sit and talk it out.

If you live in the same city, have her finish out the year with you.

I suggest a way that you can approach your MIL or your husband could. Tell her you're happy she's found someone. Get a conversation going. At some point ask her by saying have you thought about how this will affect daughter. Only ask questions that may help her do more thinking. Do not tell her what to do or give your opinion. Just talk in a friendly low key way when you're with her doing something together.

I would also be concerned about who this guy is. Has she spent time with him? Have they discussed the practical things such as how to manage finances. I would look for a book written for couples getting married and give it to her.

It sounds like she's not considering what's best for daughter. Has she made other decisions without thinking it's affect on her.

I wouldn't say anything. But if your husband agrees, then it might at least be worth saying. B/c you are correct that it is a HUGE deal to uproot a teen for their senior year of school. Any chance she could stay with you guys as an option?
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To clarify, the reason *I* wouldn't say anything is that it isn't *my* parens. It's your husband's parent. It should come from him. And if he doesn't agree with you, it isn't going to be said by him. And he would need to be on board with having his sister camp out with you, before the offer was made.

J.,

I would find out if you could move into your mother in law's home - is it big enough for your family?

I would talk with my mother in law and tell her the importance of Senior Year - ESPECIALLY if the girl has college plans and is doing well - it could seriously impact her chances for scholarships etc.

If that is NOT an option (you moving into their home?) I would talk with the mom and daughter and brain storm for alternatives - is there a friend whose family has the room to take her in? Would they? How much would they charge? (yes, people MIGHT open their homes for free - but we're talking 10 months).

I wold also tell the mother in law to cool her jets. She MIGHT get upset. But does she REALLY know this dude?? I'd tell her to put her daughter first and let her finish out her senior year. I'd also have my husband there to talk with HIS MOTHER as well....yeah - she might feel ganged up on - but she needs to know that Senior year is REALLY important.

I'll state again - If this girl is in sports or in drama?? She could miss out on scholarships, etc. which would cost the mom lots of money in tuition....something to think about....

Good luck!

My family had to move my senior year. Sure, it was upsetting, but it wasn't traumatizing. The difference here is that my dad was transferred for his job. He knew it would be h*** o* me, but it was best for our family as a whole. I survived and actually had a pretty good year.

But personally, I think your MIL is being incredibly selfish. If the relationship was meant to be, she can wait a little longer to let her daughter finish school.

Having said that, I would also stay out of it. If you are able to let her stay with you, then talk to her. Good luck to your SIL and kudos to you for caring about her. Please keep us posted!

If you live close let your sister in law live with you for a year.

You might be as a DIL but what about your husband?? Can't he tell her she's being selfish??

If it's a strong relationship, it will survive a year apart. But whether or not you can say this depends on your relationship with her.

If you live in the same school district, can she live with you if her mom moves?

ETA: Not to push you if you really really don't want this but...
You could come to an agreement with SIL for occasional babysitting help so she could help with your 2 under 2. And if she's living with you, MIL could buy her a car to get herself to and from school. It could work if you are willing to consider it as an option (although it sounds like perhaps you aren't really willing, which is ok, no judgement).

Yeah, I second that if you live near your SIL, have her live with you to finish her Senior year. That's ridiculous of your MIL.

I know you said it is not an option, but I would try to see if I could figure out a way for her to stay with me, maybe even providing her with a car so she could drive herself in exchange for a couple nights of babysitting each week. It could be a win win.

She might be able to stay with a friend for her senior year.

How does your sister in law actually feel it about this, herself? You said she doesnt' want to move, but has she told her mother that directly or just told you and your husband? She needs to advocate for herself, and strongly but maturely, with her mother. If your husband and you can help her practice what to say, so she's respectful but firm, and so she has a written list of reasons why she should remain at her school for this last year, that could help. She might even want to write her mother a letter laying out why she should stay, and offering some options, such as staying with you if that's possible, etc.

I agree that it's your husband's place to discuss this with his mom. And I think he should for his sister's sake, discuss it.

His sister is doing well academically, has friends and participates in sports (and probably other extracurriculars too?). Uprooting her now is upsetting, and while yes, she can live through that upset and kids do it all the time -- one argument for keeping her where she is, is that if she's going to college, having to restart at a new school means she's back to zero in terms of getting into extracurriculars, getting onto a sports team that's already pretty established, possibly seeing some negative impact on her grades if the new school has a very different curriculum or style....

While I would feel the larger problem is "mom should wait a year, ensure that new boyfriend is the real deal and willing to wait for her," I would not say that to mom; but your husband could try arguing that a college-bound HS senior should stay where she is already successful. Even if sister is already accepted to a college, they do review senior year grades and if hers are affected it could affect the offer. Colleges also like to see a lot of participation in leadership roles and extracurriculars etc. these days, and having to reboot for just one school year is going to make it hard to keep up those kinds of things. Would mom be swayed by any such arguments?

Really, the true issue for me would be forcing the girl to give up all that's familiar for what will be a temporary, one-year change for her, if she is heading off to college after HS. Staying put makes so much sense that I agree with you that mom isn't thinking rationally -- but she is not going to see it that way and will probably get defensive if your husband puts it like that.

I think your husband has to step in. First of all, your MIL is teaching her daughter to up and move with the first guy she dates for 6 months. Terrific or not, is this wise??

Secondly, do you all know much about this man? Is he interested in getting his hands on your MIL's money (savings, investments, stocks, home sale)?? Does your SIL have a college fund that is possibly at risk? What precautions is your MIL taking to safeguard her hard-earned assets?

I think this is cruel to your SIL since there's no compelling financial reason to move (as with a job transfer). And if this man is so terrific, is he so unfeeling about his lady's daughter that he wants to be resented forever for forcing her to leave all her friends, her activities and to forfeit her achievements? Who does that? What's the rush here?

I sure hope your SIL gets to finish high school where she is. This is a cruel time to move a kid. If she has friends she could live with, I'd suggest that.

If you have a good relationship with your MIL, have a discussion about it. Has she listened to her daughter's issues about moving her senior year and not care or is her daughter not voicing her issues to her? I know of several teens who finished out their high school life with other people rather than moved. The ones I know who did move with their families had it change the course of their lives and would never do that again given the choice.

Another option is to see what the new school's grad standards are. Its possibly she may not even graduate if she moves. Just other rational ways of addressing the whole issue.

if this were me i would be a sounding board for the daughter, and (if requested) 'help' her handle it by letting her discuss it with me and even role-play so that SHE could talk to her mom.
i don't think it will be well-received if YOU go to your MIL and give her your unsolicited opinion.
if anyone other than the girl involved must discuss it with her, it should be your husband.
but really, it should be worked out between the mother and daughter.
khairete
S.

Could your husband mention to his mom, you are willing to have SIL live with you all for her senior year?
She is not willing to wait until at least her daughter graduates? This is the last year she will have her at home.

There is a difference from a child that is not really involved in school and a child like SIL that is really involved, has spent years working towards a goal in sports and other activities.. All of her close friends are there and their last year together.

Of course MIL will have the final say, but boy, my heart goes out to SIL. I am sure in the end she would be fine, but gosh.. after imagining and planning to graduate with all of your childhood friends, this will be tough, especially if this relationship goes down hill..

Personal experience. We have a gentleman that his parents moved his Junior year of HS. They moved to Alabama. He honestly says he never got over the move.

He missed school and all of the neighbors. He had been very involved in school activities, made great grades. Had a chance at being the Valedictorian. He was active in the local theater community. When we were planing our 10 year reunion, he popped up and became very involved.. He still is and we just held our 35th.. He is always on the planning committee! And I mean runs all of our online communications. He said he understood his parents decision, but for him it was very traumatic.

The mother in law is moving across the country after dating only six months? I can understand the "that's life" attitude if she was moving for a job transfer or some other reason that she couldn't turn down or control, but for a six month old relationship?

If you are willing to have your sister-in-law live with you her senior year, I would offer that up. I went to a different school my senior year of high school and it wasn't a big deal. However, if your sister-in-law is part of a sports team or otherwise integrated into particular activities, it would be in her best interest to stay put. Also, what if the mother-in-law's relationship sours once she gets out there?

Regardless of what your mother-in-law's response, I agree that your husband needs to have the discussion with his mom and then drop the issue if she says no.

I think it's your husband's place to raise some questions and stand up on behalf of his sister. For you, it would be overstepping if no has asked you but for him? This is his sister and his mother - he absolutely should speak up. There's no reason a mature adult can't put off a move for a year. If her relationship is meant to be, he should understand that her daughter comes first for one more year and then she's free to move.

That is an incredibly selfish thing for her to do. But if you come off judgmental it won't be good for anyone. So why not mention it in a really non threatening and non judgmental way? I think thats the best you can do. And it probably won't help, but it will make her think.

My grandparents moved my uncle's senior year. He doesn't really have any warm fuzzies about his school, because he only spent one year there. I wouldn't get on her case if she really insists on moving, but I'd talk to my husband about his sister and if you could help her stay for one year, especially since this is a new relationship, talk to his mom about it. She might be willing to let her daughter live with her brother for a few months.

I would have your husband talk to his mom, not you. My thoughts are similar to a lot of the other posters. I would see if maybe she could stay with you until she graduates.

That's sad, I feel bad for the girl. If she can't live with you, can they pay a small amount for "rent" at a friends house for the last year?

My daughter is in HS and I can't imagine moving her to a different school. She has ADD/Asperger's and this school "understands" her after a bumpy start and she actually has a few friends and doesn't get bullied.

We are current renters and don't plan on moving until my 12 yo graduates. By then we figure we can downsize (we have 6 bedrooms) and not have to worry about what school district we're in. Plus I will be old enough we can check into retirement communities. lol

So yes, if I were you I would say something to your MIL. Just say something like it's too bad she has to move schools in her senior year and can you maybe wait a year? I hope she considers it for her daughter. Good luck.

I am more concerned she is moving to be with a man she hasn't met. She honestly knows nothing about him. He could be anything from a scam artist to a pedophile.
I would advise her to go visit him and get to know him before she moves. My experience with men you meet online is not to have a whole lot of faith in who they are until you get to know them. I have a profile on two dating sites. I do not give anyone any personal information even my last name until I know them a little. Some of them get my cell number but not my landline or address or where I work. If the relationship doesn't work or they turn out to be a jerk, drunk, mentally ill, abuser or chronically unemployed I don't need this guy showing up at my work or home. Because I had the bad experience of having someone I dated crawl through social media to read every profile I had on Facebook - LinkedIn etc. I do not even put my workplace in my profile. If a potential employer sees my profile on LinkedIn and wants more information I request a face to face meeting at the office. I am very cautious.
You MIL wants to move across country to be with a man and take her daughter IMO she's incredibly lonely or naïve or both.
The mere fact she isn't thinking about the best interest of her child is a HUGE red flag.

Some people will let their kid stay with a best friend or something like that. Too bad you guys can't host her. Mom would help with her bills and that could help you financially too. I hope she doesn't have to move. That's pretty terrible for a kid. Her whole childhood has been leading up to this last year. It's the culmination of her whole education.

I hope someone will step up for her.

Morning
UNLESS you are willing or can be part of the solution which might be to have the child live with you for her senior year, then NO, I wouldn't say anything.... When people suggest that a person should or shouldn't do something, then I think it's important to have some type of viable alternative for them ... I understand your concern for this young lady but as you say when people are in love, they don't often think rationally.... It is a shame that her mom won't hold off and allow her child to finish up at the same school, in that IF the love is strong, it will wait for another 8 months. Not to mention, her boyfriend, if thinking straight would also suggest that she allow the daughter to finish up... As a person who was moved from school to school, it was definitely hard to find my bearings at each new place and eventually I lost interest.. Also, why doesn't your partner/husband say anything to their mother? This way, you don't have to... I would also add that I really don't think 6 months is long enough to have been dating someone before electing to move closer to them..To me, that is already a red flag....

Talk to your husband and if he is onboard, mention to your MIL that you're concerned given that your SIL is about to start her senior year and is so involved with her school and sports. Tell her that you would like to offer to have her stay with you for that last school year to not completely uproot her at such an important time in her life. Ask her to consider it...then LET IT BE.

If she is open to the idea of discussing it, then pursue it. If you do move forward with this, be sure you have established some ground rules and have documents in place for you and hubby both to be her temporary guardian or at least act on her behalf.