Mouthy Daughter

T., your dear daughter is not really mean inside. She is just acting out the family's deep sadness that a loved one is missing from the family circle. It is her fear that is making her seem mean. You can help her in her sadness and fear that talking about what scares her and you all is fine.
Instead of punishing her, tell her that you and your family are all hurting. It will lighten her burden if you can model for her the way to talk about these things.
If you can, plan a time several times a week when you just talk about all the good and bad things that have happened each day. This way, she can have a regular time to feel listened to and to listen to the rest of the family talk about their day-- both happy and sad. This talking and listening time is a privilege.
I hope that this will help and that your husband's deployment passes quickly and that he comes home safe and sound soon.
M.

T., I have a 9 year old boy (going on 10 in 8 days) and he is similar to your daughter. Only thing is, he is a totally different little boy when we are alone. He is very affectionate and caring one on one. Have you thought about talking to her one on one? Maybe having a special day of the week set aside just for her and mommy? (a day to really look forward to) I also explained to my son the importance of having any and all of his feelings, but that I didnt feel it was fair to me the way he displays them and hurts my feelings....so I went out one day and bought him a "special thoughts (diary-if you choose to call it)book" diaries are more for the girls...I told him to jot his thoughts down whether they were good or bad, but mostly when he felt angry. I told him how some people say it is better to write it down and get it out of your system and then rip it up and throw it away-this way no one saw what was written nd no one's feeling were hurt and also that he wasnt keeping it bottled up inside to explode and hurt my feelings. Just make sure you explain that it is okay to have all these feelings, and that if she gets rid of them it is going to be so nice to have friends and do fun things with them. Tell her a little "fib" and let her in on a secret...mommy has her own book and does the same thing!! She will then think it is a big deal to be like a grown up!! Lots of luck-and keep us posted!!
G.

T.,

Behind every behavior is a positive intention. What might her intention be? Needing more attention, needing to vent without having the skills to do so appropriately, feeling frustrated that she feels she has no control? There are many possibilities.

In my work with families, I see this often. While there tends to be one "squeaky wheel" in the group, the same is present with the other members of the family, though it looks different for them. The underlying issues are across the family, typically not isolated to one person.

What I know is that as long as you are holding your child in your mind as "spoiled rotten and truely mean", you'll continue to create the space for her to be just that. Versus creating a space of growth and learning that allows her to see the value in choosing appropriate behavior. When working with families, I work with the whole family, not just the parents. Children seldom see themselves as contributing members of the family and realizing the choices they do have and the results they get to create and own. And learning that they've made choices that created praise, acknowledgment and pride as well as choices that created loss of toys, connection with friends, etc. And it's having them learn this in an environment that is free of judgment, blame, fault, and shame.

I strongly recommend that you consider the possibilities of working with a family coach. It isn't therapy - it's about identifying the reality of where your family is now and where you want your family to be and seeing and walking the path to get there - together! It's learning what you don't know you don't know. It's having a neutral party to be with you in the journey, partnering with each member around staying on track and focused on what they've declared they want.

In loving service,
G.

My daughter can be like that sometimes. Sounds like your daughter is angry. Have you considered counseling for her? Maybe having your husband deployed is really upsetting her?

It sounds like you are overwhelmed. I probably would be too if I was alone with 3 children. Your daughter is surely upset/angry about her Dad being away and you're the most convenient one for her to take it out on. It may be helpful for you to find a counselor to you daughter to talk to about acceptable ways to express her anger.

I'm also a military wife, but my husband is not deployed. Have you checked with Fleet and Family Support to see what services they can offer you? Maybe your daughter needs someone to talk to.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Good Luck

J.

Girls are so difficult, I know this first hand, and she is the middle child, another stumbling block I've heard. I would first contact her teacher(s) and request a telephone discussion about her behavior to see if it is also at school or just at home with you primarily. I would also talk to her school guidance counselor and see if he/she has any suggestions.

My daughter has been in and out of counseling over the years, she is now 16 and I have to say that it really did help her a lot to be able to vent to someone who knew nothing about her or her family situation. I would consider that as well, for the both of you. The counselor can't just fix the child they have to have you both there to work together.

It might also be good if the two of you spend some one on one time together, that means a lot to them to do that, even if you walk around the mall for an hour and she has all of your attention.

I know how hard it is, hang in there!

Although my oldest is only 6 every time her father would deploy or we would move she would go through a talking back and kind of nasty stage. She would eventually get over it, but during that time I would constantly have to watch how I talked and treated to her to make sure my negative and sarcastic remarks were at a minimum. Young girls are so bright and in tune with how we communicate it is easy for them to pick it up from us. I would definitely make sure she understands that respect is very important and let her know she must respect you. Good Luck and hopefully it is just her trying you while Dad is away.

It sounds like you guys could use some family counseling. Deployments are so hard of families (i also have done it and the challenges are innumeral). Talking things out with a neutral ear/voice/opinion may be a great thing.
also, have you tried doing some one-on-one things with your daughter? bonding time with only you is always good. this would also give you the chance to talk to her like an adult. it's amazing how kids will respond and open up when they are treated this way. it may also reenforce a sense of security for her, knowing that you are there and that she can trust in you. I can't imagine being 9 or 10 and knowing that one of my parents is in harms way every day.
YOU hang in there. I know the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Have faith in yourself.

T.,
So sorry to hear about your situation. I completely get it though ;as my husband used to me in the military and when he was deployed they used to try to pull the same thing. I think it is just there way of acting out because they are so angry that their Daddy isn't there. I took my kids to counceling when my husband was deployed and it really helped. They needed someone not involved to be able to vent to. Maybe a guidance counelor at school.
A.

Hi T.,

What I would do is to not allow her to talk to me in that way. I know its hard but talk to her first at a time when tempers are not flaring and tell her that such behavior will not be tolerated. That you understand that she is upset because her father is deployed but that is not your fault and that if she ever wants to 'talk' in about it then you are there for her or you can suggest a guidance counselor at school if she does not want to talk to you... two important parts of this are to remain calm and not get in a shouting match with her and to be CONSISTANT... when she screams at you in a calm clear stern voice tell her to go to her room until she is calm and can talk to you correctly... if you have to turn you back and do not acknowledge if she keeps screaming... only if she calms and speaks apropriately... explain that it is disrepectful of her to treat you in this manner and you do not treat her like that and will not be treated like that...

good luck and God Bless your family...

S.

I think you already said it she is spoiled rotten. I would make her do community service and see how the other hald really live. Take her to a shelter and MAKE her work a couple of hours a week.
Jade
P.s. and quit spoiling her.

Stop punishing her
bottom line.
address the emotional stuff she is going through
thats not to say let her get away with the behaviors but you cant 'fight fire with fire' it doesnt work when it comes to kids
first of all she continues to act this way cause it gets her attention (albeit negative attention but attention none the less) from now on when she screams at you or is rude or demanding... ignore her
dont feed into it.
at all
pretend she isnt there
if she hits or throws things
get up without a word and remove her to a safe place away from you... NOT her bedroom.
a chair or a stairstep and make her sit
if she gets up
again take her back to that spot... tell her that her behavior is unacceptable but say it calmly and get down on her level when you say it. and say nothing more... walk away...
continue this until she gets the idea that her behavior is not going to get her the attention
NOW,
when she is behaving properly, reward her by spending extra time with her, talking to her. find out what she's feeling, address her fears, concerns and other emotions. talk to her about her feelings about her peers and lovingly discuss why she has trouble with friendships... dont accuse, or berate her. she is acting out because she doesnt know how else to respond to what she's feeling.
you need to be the parent and set the guidelines by example... if you're having a rough day do everything in your power to NOT overreact or shout... handle everything as calmly as you can. Discuss your own feelings with her.
if you are not able to do so, dont hesitate to get her some professional help... theres wonderful therepists out there who can help you both to heal and deal with your emotional stuff.
theres nothing to be ashamed of but it definately sounds like its time to try something new (as the tactics you have arent working)
Good Luck
Blessings
Kimberlie

Have you ever asked her "What is it you would like from me, how can I make you not so angry?"

My daughter started acting out a bit and I tried everything, grounding her, yelling and screaming and nothing seemed to work, so finally out of desperation I asked her, what is it you want, what would you like me to do? And she opened up a bit, she didn't want me yelling at her anymore, she wanted to spend more time with me, I work full time. So I backed off, I dropped an extra day out of my work week so I could have more time with her. I has helped quite a bit.

I know how hard it is to have the other parent out of the picture. I'm sure it's h*** o* your daughter to know that her father is deployed and fighting in a war. Maybe try it, see what it is she wants.....something to get her mind off of her father.

Good luck and have patients.....you will make it.

-L.

I definitely feel for you!! I have a 9 year old daughter and 14 year old son. I just recently sent a request in asking for advice on my daughter. She wasn't treating a friend very nice and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I also don't want to bring up a "bratty" girl with an attitude.

My question is: I wonder why she is being so mean and mouthy. I know you said she misses her dad but is there another reason too? Does she feel like she isn't getting enough attention by you? How does she act in school....not mouthy to the teachers? Will she talk to you and tell you what is bothering her? I know my daughter would not talk to me and trying to get anything out of her is like pulling teeth.

Is there any kind of youth group that she can join? It doesn't have to be church related but something that has adult supervision but yet she is with kids her age? I have taken the computer useage away from my dauther and that seems to work but there isn't really anything else she cares about that much that would upset her if I took it away. I have made her go to bed early (or at least go to her room) and stay there for the rest of the night but each kids is so different and not every tactic works.

I am sorry but I don't have any brilliant ideas for you but just wanted to say that I can sympathize!! Good luck!

Hi T., Take a deep breath.

Sometimes when you cannot find one single reason to 'like' them is usually when they need your love the most.

She's hurting, perhaps you are too. Find a common ground and share the positives that you both have and focus on them. I'm sure deep down underneath that tougher than tough 9 year old is a little girl who wants her daddy and her world back the way it was.

Make a friend but also be the mom you are. Listen to the lady who gave the response that says ignore the negative and reward the positive.

You are a terrific mom or you wouldn't be asking for help.

Take care, he'll be home soon.

A friend just lent me a book; "Parenting with Love and Logic; Magic for Early Childhood." It's really good and it teaches parents to raise their children calmly, without anger. You earn their respect by being a calm, cool, collected parent. You teach your child consequences of their actions and raise their self-esteem. It's hard to explain, but it's good. Never tell your child that she's spoiled or mean or she will believe it and act it. A child learns what they live.

Maybe she is learning it in school. She may also be having some sort of problems in school that are bothering her. Of course it can't be easy for her to have her dad away like that either. It must be awful stressful for her. Try to talk to her about those things, and ask her what it is that is bothering her. If she doesn't like school, you could try cyber school or homeschooling. Maybe your other kids would like the idea too. www.k12.com That is a site with cyber schools. Homeschooling is easier then you would think too.

T.,

I think that you are all a little stressed right now due to the fact that your husband is deployed.

I would sit down with her and ask her how she is feeling about your husband's deployment. This might be her way of dealing with her anger. She may not have any other way of showing her anger, but it doesn't make it right.

Talking is always important in any relationship. Tell her that you don't like her actions right now and that acting this way is not only upsetting you, but it is showing her that you care and that she can't get away with her actions. Since she is nine, maybe she could right her feelings down in a journal or a diary.

Good Luck and I hope that this response will help you.

A. C.