Motivating Teenage Underachievers

Last year, one of my best friends shared her concerns about her teenage son. I had known Alex since he was born and we had always had a great relationship, so I wrote him a letter. With my friend’s permission and encouragement, I reprinted the letter on my blog in the hope that other parents will share it with their sons:

http://bolstablog.com/2010/07/01/teenage-boy/

The teenage boys of today will play a big role in shaping all of our tomorrows. May they come to know the value of love, compassion and empathy sooner than the generations of men that came before them.

P. Bolsta

He sounds like to me that he just doesn't know how to organize his life and responsibilities. Teens have to learn these skills, and it is easier for some than others.
I don't have a teenager, but I am naturally a very organized person so maybe I can give tips.
Most people don't know how to be organized...they have to learn. Things you can do to help him stay on track (so he is prepared for class):
Have a large notebook w/ deviders (that have folder pockets) or 5-6 smaller notebooks (that have a folder in front). Have him dedicate a section (or small notebook) for each subject, and write it clearly on the front of the section. The attached folder for that suject/section is for home work. (i used to do one side was completed the other side wasn't). Teach him not to just lay his homework around, but to always but it where it belongs (that will take practice). Go shopping and have him pick out his own dayplanner (or if you want to splurge, a Palm Pilot), so he can make notes on what is due when, ect. The Palm you can even set alarms to remind you to do different things....
You will have to keep on him to make sure that he is filling out the planner and using the system. It takes 28 days for something to become a habit, but most people give up in 14 days!!
Also make sure everyone in the family is getting on the organization train!!! Have the family fill out a calander, so everyone knows when mommy's meeting is, and Jimmy's soccer game...
Make sure everyone is putting things in it's "home"...little things like that will make organizing easier to learn. It is important that teens learn these skills, b/c the older you get the more hetic life becomes!

M.-You are describing my 15 year old son. He has been in the "gifted" program since 6th grade. He is a couple points away from genius IQ. I could always count on him to make straight A's. Starting in 7th grade he has allowed his grades to drop, all from not turning in assignments. He can receive a progress report with A's for all assignments, and have 3 or 4 F's because he neglected to turn something in, and suddenly he has a C or D for the class. We try to tell him that if he would just turn it all in, he would have straight A's again. And he has wonderful excuses for not turning the assignments in. Now, there are no excuses accepted, his counselor has been informed and all teachers have to sign and send home a report at the end of the week with their comments about my son during the week, and then we take appropriate action at home. Our school system has a wonderful program where we get e-mails for all failed assignments. He now knows that if he fails an assignment with a zero, he is grounded for a week. (He loves to go out w/the guys). We are at our wits ends also, because he seems to have lost the motivation to do well. On the other hand, he is very involved in sports, has no behavior issues at school at all, and is a very well-liked young man (even at home he is pleasant to be around). I suppose it could be worse, but we just want him to do well so he can go on to a great college. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, but maybe knowing you aren't alone helps! I am a 43 yr old mother of 3, 15 yr old son, 13 yr old son, and 10 yr old daughter. My 13 yr old son is in 7th grade now, and hasn't had the same problem at all. Maybe just certain personalities. Good luck!

Hi M.,
Your son and mine are seperated twins! Organizational nightmares!!
James is an "A" student - he understands all the material, gets A's on all his assignments (the ones he turns in) and aces almost every single test. BUT, he's gotten A couple D's on his report card-- ALWAYS from missing work that I KNEW he'd completed!! He just didn't turn it in, because he couldn't find it, or he left it at home-- and our son's school only give 50% for late work, too, just like yours.
We had a parent teacher conference, during which, his teachers gave us a list of all the missing assignments. And I KNEW he'd done the work, because when I looked at the worksheets or textbook pages, I recognized them from when he'd ask for help. So my husband started digging through his backpack-- wrinkled and smashed papers, crushed at the bottom under all his books. Then we searched his locker-- same thing, a pile of papers crushed at the bottom of his locker. Between his backpack and his locker, we found EVERY, SINGLE assignment. It's so frustrating, because he's DOING THE WORK, and not getting credit for it, because he isn't turning it in!
So we've done two things... first to help with organization, and second to motivate.
For better organization, he has a little notebook he HAS to take to every class, so he can write down all homework assignments. Then, each night when he completes his homework,
he has to show it to me or Dad, AND put it in a certain "homework folder", that he ALSO takes to every class. Then, once we see that it IN the folder, and IN his backpack, then we check it off his list in the little notebook.
For motivation... you have to find something he wants, and dangle it in front of his face!! :) I told him he'd get an extra dollar each week for his chores if he got all his homework turned in that week. (They get a weekly "deficiency report" if they have missing assignments).
So far, it's working. Hopefully, after an entire quarter of the daily routine, writing assigments in the notebook, making sure it's in the folder, checking it off the list, turning it in, it will become second nature and mommy and daddy won't have to be on him about it every night, and he'll do it on his own!

Best wishes!
T.

My 9 year old daughter is the same way. She had a F on her report card in reading! Her teacher told me that she should be an honor roll student, every paper she turns in are A's. The problem is that she didn't turn in about 20 pages and got 0's. So, i made a special folder that her teacher puts all her work in and it has a sheet of paper to sign for me and the teacher. She signs it, and puts the number of pages beside her signature, then i sign it when she is done with all the work. It has helped alot! I hope this helps!

well M. looking from the outside i can see your time frame. The past 1 1/2 years he has had trouble. well your have a baby about that age. Your son must have been the only child until then. He is not what I would say jealous but for lack of better terms jealous. Are you spending just Mom and Him time? without the little one? And that is doing fun things not homework or housework. He might be having a hormonal problem. His age is when the girls start to attract boys in different ways, maybe he is bored in his classes and he NEEDS to be in the enriched classes to pose as some challenge for him. These are things that you need to talk to the school about and don't let up until you get the answers you want.
good luck
B.

My goodness are you talking about MY 15 year old son?!!! My son is EXACTLY the same. Can't give you any advice except what I do is tell him he can't go anywhere until he is getting a C at LEAST in the class he is failing. After a few weeks the grade goes up. It's freakin' roller coaster of no going anywhere the grades go up then he goes places for a few weeks and the grades go down over and over and over. I'm feeling your pain.

Oh my gosh! This sounds JUST LIKE my 15 year old brother-in-law who we're raising since my husband's mom passed away. The kid has potential and he proved it the first semester he was here by getting A's and B's. But now he's getting 1 A and 1 B and the rest are D's. He's also been getting in trouble at school, being tardy, and sometimes his teachers even e-mail us about him talking back to them or being disruptive in class. When you find the answer, PLEASE let me know! We've taken away privileges, grounded him, but aren't sure what else to do. We DO reward him when he does well, but just like your son it seems like my brother DOESN'T CARE. Almost like he's got the attitude of "This is my world and you're just living in it..."

i never did my work in school because i was to lazy, but...i was organized about it. get him a pocket folder with the part that holds paper down the middle for each class. fill it with about 25 or 30 clean pieces of paper in the middle so he will always have clean paper, and have him put his unfinished work in the left pocket and his finished work in the right pocket. then so he don't forget the folders have him carry all the folders with him in his bag and never take them out unless he is in that class. hope this helps.

Hi M. my name is W., i am in your exact situation i wouldv'e that i wrote what you did. i would like to know if its school. message me back and we can talk more.

Hi M.! It sounds like to me that he is not doing it on purpose. However, he isn't making an effort to keep track of his assignments. He KNOWS he's smart, but I don't think he really WANTS to be right now. It seems to me that there may be something else bothering him right now that has nothing to do with his school work. Is his father around to talk to? I would tell him to go ahead and get his license and when he is done with is homeowrk, since he IS doing his homework, to just give it to you. He may not be aware he is misplacing it. You could drop it off to his teachers for him, sort of lift the burden for a while and see what happens. If it helps, great, it was a memory thing, if he acts out in some other way, then this will let you know that he is harboring something he either can't discuss with you or doesn't want to discuss at all. Help him out a little, see which direction he goes in, then you can go from there.

I had the same problem with turning in homework when i was in school. I would do it and then lose it or forget it or whatever. My parents decided to make me take a paper to school every friday and have it signed by the every teacher saying if I had turned in all my work for the week. It may sound like he is too old for this, but it sure worked on me. I hated having to approach my teachers and having to admit that I couldnt be trusted to do a simple thing like turning in my homework. It was so embarassing, but it worked and I always turned in my work. After a while i didnt need their signatures anymore cause my grades were good and I learned how to make myself be organized and responsible.

I totally understand what you are going through I have an 11 year old that is going through the same thing and I had him screened and it is ADD. I know that it seems weird but my son is not really hyper spastic or anything else he just does the same thing as yours does it never prepared for class ALWAYS loses his homework and never turns it in on time Ds and Fs always. I grounded him for months it seems like from everything. Once I had the screening done. It is some forms that you fill out at home and give one to the childs teacher and they go by that. We came to conclusion that it was that he could not concentrate on what the teacher was saying or doing because he said that everything was boring. In other words it was not enough to keep his very limited attention span attained. We have not started the medicine route yet but at least we know that there is a problem and not just sheer laziness and the teachers have said that he knows how to do the work and can do it so there is no lack of understanding. Let me know if u need anything... ____@____.com I might be able to give you info on the Conner's Screening(for ADD and ADHD) Hugs :)

Is he getting enough sleep and eating right? He is likely needing more sleep than before, as his body is going through tremendous changes and growth spurts. The only other time that his body has changed this much in this short of a time was the first two years of life. Remember how much sleep he needed then? I'm not saying he needs to take naps, but it is normal for him to be more tired right now. Sleep deprivation can cause those same symptoms, as can ADHD. Smart kids with ADHD sometimes do okay in school until they hit high school and have to be more responsible and organized. Any time a child goes from A's & B's to D's & F's, it's a good idea to get him a physical at the very least. You need to rule out things as simple as sleep deprivation, or as concerning as drug use or psychological problems. It doesn't sound like he's fighting you over it, so I can't imagine that it's drug use or laziness or rebellion. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and have him checked out.

A good friend of mine was having very similar trouble with her son. My opinion in her situation is that he's bored, as are many intelligent students who suddenly start doing badly in school. If homeschooling isn't an option for you, you might try what she did. Not only did she warn him, but she took off work to follow through with the threat: go to school with him to see exactly what his problem is. My friend gave her son a week to bring up grades and get organized. He tried valiantly the first couple of days, but quickly returned to losing assignments and work. He didn't think she'd actually do it, but he was wrong. It wasn't an overnight solution, but it certainly put him back in the right direction. "Going back to school" with him opened her eyes to what some of the problems were he was dealing with and couldn't communicate, too. (Yes, of course, he was terribly embarrassed, but he got over it rather quickly - he knew he'd been warned.)

Most of it has to do with the age and maturity level. I've had the same problem with my 15 yr old daughter and my fiance has had the same problems with his 16 yr old son. There are ways to get him organized and it will take time and effort to make it a habit. Does he have a desk with file drawers? It would be easier to create a hanging file for each class to keep his papers where he can find them when he's at home. When he's at school, he should have a pocket folder for each class. There should not be loose papers. Each paper should have a place to put it. This is IF it's an organization problem. If it's a laziness problem because he would rather be socializing, then you can take away all extracurricular activities. You may need to coordinate this with the school principal and his teachers. Another thing that could work is to schedule a tutor who is not a good looking female. This would be embarrassing to him if his peers found out. If he's not able to hang out with friends other than at school, he could be more motivated to get his work done so he can have more time with friends. Hope this helps!

My very first thought was that, well, he's a 15 year old boy. My nephew went through this. We had to sit him down and go through all of his stuff and organize him. We went through his room, his backpack and even made him clean out his locker and bring everything home. It was amazing what we found. We went through and got him organized and told him he needed to keep it up or he would lose priveleges. I know you said you've tried (are trying also) this. It worked for the most part, he was still late on assignments, but it was never because he lost his work.
My second thought as I read your posting was that maybe your son is having issues about your baby. The only reason I think that is because you said his grades were good until 1.5 years ago and then I sa that you have an 18 month old. Have you talked to him about this? He may say everything is fine, but he might be trying to spare your feelings or he may feel guilty about being resentful of your new addition. I know if my mom had a baby when I wsa 15 I would be a little ticked off, especially if I had been an only child before that.
I hope some of this helps.