Mother Is Coming for a Visit; Anxiety Mounting

Hi Page,
I feel for you. While I am very close with my mom, my dad has always had a very strained relationship with his mother. She was not a good mother when he was young (nor was she a good grandmother to me) - too much to go into here, but suffice it to say that her behavior was negligent at best and abusive at worst.

So, now that Grandma is 85 and has nobody left in the world who likes her, people are always asking my dad, "But one day she will be gone, and won't you feel bad that you didn't spend time with her?" He has made the decision that he does not want to see her, period. This has meant that he has missed a few big family events - his nephew's wedding, niece's baptism, etc. But, he is happier for it.

Don't feel guilty or anxious for your feelings. It is hard when people who were supposed to love you unconditionally, didn't, or people who were supposed to support you into adulthood, left you hanging. You may never truly get over those feelings. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean that you are obliged to overlook all of her previous behavior or forgive it, unless that is what serves you best. And it doesn't mean you are obliged to play hostess either.

If conversation is uncomfortable, you can suggest events where you do not have to really talk to her (such as going to see a movie, or going to a ball game or concert). Or if you are comfortable with the idea, you could ask her if she would like to babysit for your kids (if they are of the age where they need it) while you and your husband go out for dinner, so she has time to see the grandkids alone. Generally when I am in a situation when I have to deal with Grandma Awful, I try to bring a lot of pictures, scrapbooks, etc and ask to see her photos from when my dad was little. I have found that I can deal with her on that level (and that level only, pretty much), and once we have run out of cute little stories about our kids, I pack up the kids and leave!

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you and wishing you strength!

Hi Page,

This is a hard one for anyone to advise you on as far as healing your relationship with your mother! I am sure there is a long story and many years of history and events that has brought you two to where you are today. My mother and I have our differences and skeletons in the closet, but putting it aside and remembering that her “core” is good and she is only human has been a goal and priority of mine to preserve our relationship. Plus she is great with my kids! However my mother-in-law and I have a somewhat difficult relationship and I can identify with the part you said about being uncomfortable with her being overly nice. I always know there is an expectation behind her niceness. I however do not have the good fortune of her living miles away.

You said you do not have expectations of her at this point, but really you do…you expect her to act a certain way in that she is not acting. I am not saying you expect her to be mean either but you are not excepting her being nice at face value, you are assuming she is being nice for an inner and deeper reason.

The only actions you can control are your own. If you choose to accept her the way she is and her actions as “The only way she knows how,” then you will be so much happier and so much more at peace. There is probably no way for her to heal all the years of disappointment but also the only way she will know how to make it right is if you tell her.

I would suggest a soul searching activities to you…when you are ready. Sit in quiet and make a list of things that come to mind when you think of your mother; positive and negative list; best to do this before she comes so the negative are not too fresh in your mind <grin>. See if you can match the items…ie: she never attended my dance recitals, but she makes it out for a visit for the kid’s birthdays. The other option is to look over the list and decide if the things on it are issues on the present or the past and if they still need resolution of they are just grudges. You need to decide if you can once and for all put the list behind you and move forward; burn it, or if you need to sit down with your mother and have a hart-to-heart with her. You need to tell her that you don’t expect her to be anything other than herself and when she does things like ____ it makes you feel ____. But you can not do this till you mean it. They say time heals, and separation makes the heart grow fonder, however when the two are put together with unresolved feelings, time seems to stand still. The only way to get the clock ticking again would be to solve the unresolved feelings. Life is too short too waste one more second of yours being anxious about this!

Best of luck!

P.S. Regarding her negative and criticalness of the world...when she says something you don't agree with or don't feel there is a reason for, then question her about it. Ask why she feels that way, or why she feels a need to comment on things like that, or if that is really how she feels and how she wants her grandkids to grow up feeling. Not knowing the exact subject this is all speculation...

This was long...sorry <Grin>

Dear Page,

Please take a few deep breaths....because this is hard and boy do I know it! Honor thy Mother and Father...easier said then done, but just do it. They gave you life and that's a biggie.

THIS IS A LOT -- BUT JUST GIVING BACKGROUND!
My mother gave me up when I was three months old (fortunately to her mother), so I was raised with my aunts and uncles and thought of all of them as brothers and sisters (STILL DO), and called my Grandmother, Mama all my life.

My mother had a second child five years later and kept her. (It still kind of hurts, but at least I’ve come understand that my mother was not able to take care of me when I was born and I was better off with people who could). When she had my half-sister, her relationship with the father wasn't stable and when they finally worked things out, he made it clear that I wasn't wanted. She stayed with him for 25 years and they never married. My half-sister and I have a loving relationship and this is due to my Mama's way of teaching us to care about each other...we don't call ourselves HALF--we just say sister and always have.

Mama died in 2000. Since then my BIRTH Mother has really let me know (in her way) that she loves me and has always loved me. She even said once that I would always be "Her Little Girl". She shows genuine affection and concern, (which she never did when I was little). She's also become more "family oriented", a better Grandmother and Great Grandmother, Sister, Auntie and Friend and looks forward to all family occasions.

It's still hard to pick out a Mother's Day card because they mostly say things like, "Mom you've always been there for me"...and other things that simply don't pertain and actually hurts to read because it reminds me of Mama. But I do make a special effort to find really pretty cards that say Happy Mother's Day and I Love You....because she is my mother and I do really love her.

“To Little To Late”….It’s never too late. I hope you decide to make this visit the best one you have ever had (it could be the last one). It would be nice if you could have a heart to heart, but some folks just don't know how to say the "words". So I would suggest by starting the visit by saying, "Mom, I'm really glad your here". Keep it low key and BREATH! Blessings and prayers coming your way.

Hi Page,

My advice is that since you know how she is and her personality, LOVE HER AS SHE IS. I know its hard, but if you make the choice to not judge and just accept that this is how she is, the pressure will be off of you to expect anything from her. If you have no expectations other than to love her and try to have a good time with her, things will go a lot smoother. Also, pick your battles- you never know when it will be time for her to go. Enjoy the time that you have with her. I know how much anxiety this can cause-- take care and try not to stress!

Molly

Hello! Are we related? My Mom is so judgemental of me and she still tries to control me. A couple of months ago she came for a week. Two things helped me this time so we wouldn't fight and then she'd become "the victim" and I turn out to be the bad guy no matter what. The first is go to bed right after the kids are down. Either go to sleep or decompress in your room. Second, and really big was, when she would "lay the bait" for an argument (ie. she decided that soda was bad for her, so therefore since she wasn't drinking it, I shouldn't either) I did not say anything about it. I changed the subject or just continued what I was doing. I didn't pick up the bait. Also, have your husband or close friends remind you " it takes two to fight". Do something nice for yourself that is nurturing: massage, pedicure, etc.
Take Care!!

My mom recently admitted to me that she wishes she had treated my sisters and me differently when we were younger and that maybe we would be closer to her now if that was the case. It sounds like your mom is trying to make up for her past behavior by being nice now. I know you feel like it's too little too late, but really it isn't. Your relationship with her can be different if you want it to be. But take babysteps - when you find that she's done or said something nice - acknowledge it even though it makes you extremely uncomfortable - pretty soon it feel more natural for both of you. Having said this, one week is a long time to have visitors, even more so if it's someone you aren't particularly close with. Maybe for future trips, shorter visits would be better? My advice for this visit would be to get out of the house as much as possible - go window shopping, see a movie together, etc. Most importantly take it one day at a time. Breathe! Good Luck!

My advice to you would be just think of how you will feel when you don't have your mom around anymore. Will your actions and feelings towards her now make you feel good when she's not around anymore. I don't mean to sound harsh however, my grandmother and I were extremely close forever. Her last 6yrs of life were a struggle at times because I took care of her and she was around my daughter as I raised her and she was always telling me what to do. Well, we'd get into it and I'd get soooo mad at her. She passed away almost 2 years ago and what I wouldn't give to have just a little more time with her. She meant more to me than I realized. All I'm trying to say is, don't do anytihng you will regret when she's not around anymore. Again, no judgement here, just advice ;-)

Hi Page,
I won't go into my history but know that I completely understand what you mean. We just finished a recent visit with Mom/Gma. Here are a few tips that helped me: I tried to remain conscious about not reverting to the injured child-parent role, thus honoring my supreme power of choice. I tried to have zero expectations from her visit other then to get through it. This one is important, I tried to keep things very, very active. I based her visit on the example I wanted to set for my kids. I tried to let go of past history and focus on just her visit at the time. I was pleasantly suprised at the success of this visit, the best one yet. Don't forget if you need a "Time Out" take it; you will be a better person for doing so. I am continually amazed at parents who do not make deposits into what I call the emotional bank account but want to make withdrawals.
This visit can be a positive experience by remaining true to who you are, it is not about her, it is about you and your family. Keep giving yourself positive messages and don't give away your power. Wishing you an empowering visit.

Here's my 2 cents. The anxious energy you are putting out is contaminating your present moment, don't allow it. Consider this approach....since you do not have any expectations, then you hold a secret from your mother. She can be free to be as negative and un-likeable as she wants, and you don't have to take that on your shoulders. Whatever negative she puts out is about her, not about you - even if it is directed at you. She will try to engage you in a power struggle - but you do not need to engage, because only you have control of your personal power.

Good luck :)