Mother in Law Trouble - Concord, CA

Hi:

I have a similar problem. My mother in law has some serious mental issues as well and I have been acting polite for as long as I have known her. My way of dealing with it is simpling choosing my battles carefully. If I see something unsafe, she is not allowed to watch my daughter alone, period. I don't feel bad, ok maybe a little, but I know that I am responsible for my kid's life. It's not worth the risk. Supervised visits only. I do my best to keep my personal opinions to myself about her other behaviors.

I had trouble with my mother in law. I think she had a mental problem also. Don't say anything bad about her, but maybe only let her come around when your husband is home and you won't have to deal with her alone. My monster in law finally moved away and finally discovered she had a chemical imbalance of some sort. Thats when things got better. When she got medicated. Then she got sick and died, so I never really had to let her be around my kids. She did apologize and we worked things out before she died, so I don't have any hard feelings, but she made my marriage very stressful. If you don't feel comfortable with her watching your son don't let her. He is your son after all and its up to you to take care of him. Its not being overprotective its being safe. The bi polar people I know don't think anything is wrong with them, so its hard if they won't get help. Your husband should be more supportive. Lots of prayer can get you through and maybe even change her heart around. If she comes over you can conveniently have to run to the store...

Your childrens safety is always more important than anyones feelings. If your husband does not agree then he needs counseling. Left in her care he was in the street and could have been seriously injured or killed, feeling can be resolved later. You can not bring back a child after losing one in an unsafe situation. You obviously know what the right things to do are and are just afraid to hurt his feelings. She's my mother deal with it is not a good enough reason to put your kids in danger.

Hi Andiana-

whew - you have got a lot that you are dealing with. Thank goodness your son was not injured. This is such a difficult and loaded issue.

It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page when it comes to setting some limits with your MIL. He most likely feels a need to honor her and may get defensive when you are critical of her. (even if your points of concern are accurate). Are there any common ground that you and your husband have regarding your MIL?

About her potential bipolar condition - that in itself is not so much the issue. The basic question is do you trust her to take care of your son? Can you trust that she will properly supervise him? Does she follow your directives on his care? You do have the right to set limits if you do not feel that she is capable or adequate in caring for your son - relative or not. (if she were a non relative babysitter, my guess is that you would have fired her over that incident). IMHO, your son's safety needs come first.

You might try talking to your husband in a calm, neutral way about your concerns. Try not to attack her character, focus on the issues of improper judgment and safety. Remember, it is a very charged issue for him and he will likely get defensive. You might also feel like he is siding with his mom over you. Try to find the common ground (both of you want your son to be kept safe).

There is a lot of info out there on bipolar condition. You might want to read up on it. Some people are very functional and others have a very hard time with it.

Best of luck!

First, I feel for you in your difficult position.

If your is not safe alone with your MIL, than he should not be left alone with. Your son safety should be stressed, not telling your husband that his mother has a mental condition. Since she has not been diagnosed you do not know what her problem is. She may be Bi-Polar or she may not. She needs a doctor to diagnose what problem she has, there are many and since she and her family don't see the problem she probably will not get the helps she needs.

So you tell your husband that your son was allowed in the street with your MIL watching and so she can not watch him alone. That is the issue really. State facts, don't put a label on them. If you do your husband probably stops listening, because in his mind his mother does not have a problem. If you stick to what she does then maybe he will see what you do.

Both of my best friends are diagnosed Bi-Polar and are night and day fom each other. I do not feel either of them are unsafe for my daughter to be around. Both are treated now, but it is common for bi-polars, as with any mental disorder to feel thay are okay and don't need treatment. TO help you understand your MIL read up on Bi-Polar disorder. I did, but my experience is each person is completely different.

I hope this helps.

your kids come b4 your mil period

Dear A.,

Good for you about crossing the street when you were pregnant. That line of thinking is exactly where you should be now. Your husbands "deal with it attitude" bothers me seriously. He should be feeling as protective toward your son just as much as you do. That he doesn't is truly troubling! Regardless of it being his mom. What if it was his dad and his dad molested your son? Should you "deal with it"? Your son is #1, especially in safety. God trusted him to you and so far you are doing great, but your husband is falling down on the job. Bi-polar people should be on meds, problem is when they are feeling good they feel they don't need the meds, and stop, which only makes the downward swing even more severe (also called manic depressive). Talk this over with your hubby, and yes be gentle about it, but take a stand in your heart about holding strong about being your son's advocate. Cuz your hubby may choose not to be his son's advocate and then that leaves only you. Plus it says loud and clear where your husband's priorities are, cuz his mom is NOT 4 years old and does not need to be protected. I hope this does not offend, but children need us to protect them and be firm with them to teach about this life they are new to.

The bottom line is your child's safety. You cannot be concerned with offending your DH or his mother here. You are your child's advocate, since he cannot speak for himself. His safety is number 1. I would be gentle with DH, but tell him about the child in the street and your concerns. Don't feel guilty for other people's bad behavior. That is something I am learning to do myself. Good luck and your instincts are dead on!

Since your husband and his mom are in denial, don't bring up bi-polar when discussing his mom. Maybe when an issue like grandma wathing the kids comes up, you can simply say "I'm not comfortable with her methods of watching the children, I'd rather have someone else watch them." Something like that. I am so sorry. All I know is how it "should be". You are supposed to come before his mom. Your feelings should be more important. But with him not seeing this, nor seeing that his mom even has a problem, it's not going to be easy no matter what. I know what it feels like to not want to upset the husband, but at the same time trying to look out for your kids. I think it'd be best to see a counselor on your own, and then if he is willing, include your husband. Every bi-polar is different, and there are so many variations of the disease. There are places that provide free or sliding scale counseling.

A.,
Wow, you sure do have a lot on your and all while being pregnant.
Like the other's have said, I would calmly talk to your husband and explain your concerns about your sons safety and how you want to protect him. I am sure you both will be on the same page on that one. Then try and say it as nice and calm as possible about your concerns' with your MIL. Try not to make her out to be the bad one, but more of concerns with her and the safety of your son.
Like others said if this was a babysitter, or daycare center you both would take him out of that enviroment to protect him. Not saying you should not allow your son near your MIL, but personally I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my son with my MIL if that was how I felt. I would always have one eye watching them together. Your #1 priority is to make certain your children are safe with WHOMEVER they are with. If you and your husband can't agree, I would still stand my ground about the safety and concerns. Maybe even find some ways to speak to your MIL. Do you and her have a pretty good relationship, Can you speak to her honestly. Maybe not bring up the Bi-polar concerns,(research bi-polar , even ask your dr.about it too) but just speak about your child and how you know she loves her grandchild and how you as women want to always protect your children, try and get at her level of thinking and maybe you both can come to some agreement.
I wish you the best and remember, just do what your heart tells you about your children that's the most important thing.

S.

Hello A.,

First let me say that I can only imagine how hard it must be to live in such a constant state of anxiety! I have had similiar experiences with my mother and father in law. My husbands father suffered from schizophrenia and so does his mother. My father is bi-polar and my mom has a lot of depression issues as well as OCD issues(obsessive compolsive disorder).

So to say the least I have become very familiar with mental illness and it is no laughing matter. I have tried to deal with this alone and it never seemed to work, only when I sought counseling for myself did I finally find the answers and the relief I needed so badly! I put off therapy for way too long thinking it was only for mentally ill people like my husbands family as well as my own. Wow I was so wrong! I now have learned so many new things, not only on how to cope with my extended family but most importantly I have learned how to be a better mom in the preocess! That has been the richest reward. Learning new life techniques is priceless in this challenging world we live in.

The therapist I am seeing deals with a cognitive theray called DBT (dialectical behavioral training) This form of therapy was created just for woman (though men can be greatly helped as well) and has helped me be so much more effective in every aspect of my life not just with my family.

I hope this information has helped and I wish all the best for you and your family in this hard situation.

K

Hi A.,

First I want to acknowledge what a difficult position you are in! I think you get that you child's safety is first priority and are searching for a solution and support from your husband. Instince (as well as common sense) is telling you this is a dangerous situation for your child. Counseling is a good place to start and the place to start would be betweeen you and your husband. Since his Mom has refused medical treatment, your husband may have a bias against this, but if he can understand it is to facilitate and mediate for you while you work through this situation, hopefully he will see the value. If not there is value for you if you go alone and have help and support for dealing this situation. My father is not alive today, he was Bi Polar but different from you mother. I still would have set boundaries as far as being around my children and he would have never been alone with them or without myself or my husband present. That said, I feel for you because I understood who my father was and would have had the support of my husband. I have another sibling who denied his condition and will downplay things that have happened. I think it's scary to admit to yourself that a parent is like this for many reasons. Imagine thinking your Mom is not someone you could trust as far as who they are and how they act from day to day, moment to moment. Also it is very scary to think you might have inherited this. I just want to say this last bit is just to help you empathize with your husband. He still needs to understand finding your child in the street is VERY serious, not a personality conflict warranting "she is my MOM deal with it" attitude. Your priority is still your children and it may come to a point where you have to stand your ground and prepare for what your family may go through because of it for your childrens sake. All The Best!

Wow, things become so much more complicated when you're dealing with pregnancy hormones.

I just had a little myself so I completely understand. One thing I wasn't sure of. Does your mother-in-law live with you? If she does, first don't ever leave your kids in her care. You teach them to do as you say and to stay put where you want them to be. This takes consistancy. They will learn and obey.

If she does not live with you, spend very limited time with her. If has an obvious condition that is going untreated then you will not be able to blame her if an accident occurs. Normally, I would say to work on the relationship and give tips BUT you are pregnant.

I've also found that men do not know how to handle conflict between thier wife and mother. My thought "He married you" that is where is commitment ought to be. He is also the provider and protector of his family. He can protect his family without dishonoring his mother. Setting boundaries for your family is okay.

You and your husband are not responsible for her feelings. If she gets mad or sad, what's the worse thing that could happen?You and your husband are responsible for your children. Sometimes working with the child is more effective than trying to work with the adult.

We used to visit some relatives weekly. There was one adult that would offer my kids candy and do magic tricks to lure them into another room without me or my husband's knowledge about it. (Scary) I usually found them or one in his room playing games or watching a video.

I had talks with my kids about staying out of the room and letting us know when he would approach them. In essence we set rules for them but did not tell them bad or scary things about him.(Honoring him) They still wanted to play and that was okay as long as it was in front of me!

K.

A.,
Unfortunatly this email is not going to help your situation. However, it will praise you. I strongly beleive that we as mothers have the right to be "mommy monsters". It is our job as "mommy monsters" to protect our babies. Sometimes we have to upset people to make them understand or get our point across. Your husband needs to understand where you're coming from. How would he feel if your son was killed? She has no right to upset you and put your pregnancy in jeopardy either. It sounds as if she has no respect for you. And it's not something you need to "deal with". Your husband should be man enough to tell his mom your concerns. If he isn't, don't put you or your babies in that situation. I know that is so easy for me to tell you. Just remember that it's okay to be a mommy monster. Listen to your instinct because if something happens to either of your babies it will change your lives forever.

Goodluck,
M.

A.,
Obviously, you are screaming for help or advice and I'm not an expert so I hope that for your sake and sanity that someone will give you that here. It sounds like you've tried for awhile to take the calm approach and maybe it's time for counseling. A third party person can be a bigger help than you might think. They can evaluate your MIL and maybe your hubby would take the advice better from a counselor (even if it's the same advice you've given). For now, my other suggestion would be if you can't keep a constant eye on your MIL while she's "watching" your son then, if you can afford it, you might think about hiring a nanny. This would be someone that can seem like they're just there to help you out but in reality they're there to watch when you can't watch.
I truely do hope you'll find the advice you were looking for and wish you the best.

Jen

Sorry to be so blunt, but yes, the safety of your kids is more important than your husband's feelings. Your concern over their safety while w/your MIL should be the basis of the conversation w/him about his mom. I understand it's his mom & he doesn't want to offend her or probably even really see the biger issue here but he at least has to see the potential of his kids getting hurt while in her care. Id' also suggest not having any conversation w/your MIL. Just based on what you said, she won't see or understand what your concerns are & you'll probably be beating your head against the wall. Same goes for trying to voice your concerns about her mental health. Sounds like his family is in total denial about her mental capacity. So, for now, explain your concerns to your husband in terms of his being their father. How horrible he'd feel if something happend to the kids while w/his mom. Stand firm that you don't want them alone w/her. If he won't see what you're talking about, then you may need to be the one saying she can't be alone w/them or around them at all. You could end up being the bad guys but your kids' safety is more important. Good luck!

Hi A.,

This is a disease. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain. It runs in one branch of my family and I can tell you from person to person the severity is different. I have seen it cause extreme paranoia to extreme joy. As for dealing with it, I'm no health care professional. I suggest you call your medical provider and get advice. Also, this isn't something she can control. So I personally wouldn't put my kids in the situation. You say your husband says just deal with it. Well in return he will have to deal with the fact that your children must be protected and come FIRST and foremost over his feelings and his mothers in this case. I say stand up for your children. Honestly, if CPS had seen your child playing in a busy street, do you think they would have blamed your mother in law???? NO! you and your husband are completely responsible for your children. Your MIL can't control herself at all. It isn't possible. So no sense even caring about anything she says. Just ignore her and be polite when you have to address her. Otherwise, set your rules in regards to your children. After all, if your husband doesn't respect your feelings too then there is no reason why you shouldn't stand up for yourself.

Hi, I have a teen daughter who has bi-polar disorder. I hope this info will help. First I don't think we can say your mother in law has bipolar disorder if she has not been diagnosed with this disorder. There are so many things that it could be. It took us a few months to find that this is what my daughter has, the doctors had to look at everything and really evaluate her moods and behaviors. But, with bipolar disorder the best way to control it is with medication and therapy. It has really helped for us.
Maybe she can be a part of your children's lives but, I would not leave the children alone with her in the home. With my daughter, although she is doing well. The therapist did recommend that there is always some kind of supervision for her by an adult.
I hope this helps! Good luck with your new baby. =)