Mother in Law Shows No Interest

Whenever I see an older woman like this I can't help but wonder if she ever really wanted to be a mother, never mind a grandmother, in the first place. Women in previous generations just sort of fell into marriage and motherhood, it was just what was DONE, ya know?
Once you stop expecting her to be something she's not you'll be a whole lot happier. Sure, it hurts to have a grandparent who's not really that much into her grandchildren, but it could be worse, she could be overbearing, demanding, intrusive or even abusive.
Your kids have plenty of love and support in their lives, so try to just let this go. It sounds like your MIL is content with her solitary life with dogs, and that's okay. It's her life after all.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

I totally understand that you want her to be different. But she's not. You cannot control her, you cannot change her. Why are you wasting so much energy trying to do so? If your husband couldn't do it and isn't close to her, what influence could you possibly have? So you think you can guilt-trip someone into changing their basic personality? Would you trust it if you could? Perhaps something awful happened to her growing up, and she's never been able to let loose. I don't know. But there's no point in speculating. Just feel sorry for her.

If anything, this is a life lesson for your daughters in compassion for those who are compromised emotionally, and a lesson in choosing a mate who comes with a family. All you can do, and all you can teach them to do, is forge a path that is satisfying. If you (or they) pin all their hopes for happiness on someone else being different, it's going to be many decades of misery in your futures. Let it go.

You are holding your expectations against her. Is she happy with her life? If so, let her be.
I don’t get this expectation that women aren’t allowed to focus on themselves and what they want. She raised her family, and wants to focus on what she wants to do. Just because it doesn’t fit your expectations doesn’t mean it’s wrong. If the grandfathers are alive, are they involved?

I don’t know what “boys and their moms and all that” means.

It’s ok to be disappointed, but don’t hold it against her. Vent to your friends, accept her for who she is, and be thankful for what you do have.

Nothing complicates a relationship more then one person ‘shoulding’ on it, and I think you are with your MIL.

Why do kids always expect moms/MILs to act a certain way - especially with grandkids? What gives YOU the right to set up the expectations (i.e., asking about extracurricular activities or whatever) and then turn her into a villain when she doesn't act accordingly?

Stop. Just stop. She has clearly defined her role as a parent to your husband and a grandparent to your children. Just because she is doing it different, doesn't make it wrong. Your happiness/comfort level isn't the only thing in play here, stop acting like it is.

I see so many posts like this - it really pisses me off. Where do you get off demanding a certain level of involvement from another adult?

My mom and I are very close and she is pretty involved with all the kids and grandkids. My MIL/FIL? Only one, maybe two holidays a year do we see them. Hubby drives to see them about once every 6 weeks (we live across the state from them) - they rarely drive down here. They haven't seen any of our kids in quite some time (they are all adults now and often aren't able to make holidays that MIL/FIL are at). Who cares? My kids don't - they know that is how that grandma and grandpa are. They don't take it personally, because hubby and I never did either. My MIL/FIL aren't out to "get" anyone and they aren't snubbing anyone. I asked my dad how often his parents took them to see his grandparents/extended family when he was growing up. He said only a handful of times his entire growing up and grandparents NEVER came to their house, only if MIL/FIL drove to them. Is it any wonder that MIL/FIL think what they are doing is "normal"?

It sounds like you wish your MIL was a different person, and your frustration stems from not having accepted reality. I know you want things to happen in a different way, but they are not going to. Your MIL is not doing anything to harm you or the children, so that's a silver lining.

My MIL died in November. My kids were sad as they are when anyone they know somewhat dies. They were not shattered, because for most of her life MIL was only marginally interested. (She was an elementary school teacher who liked the idea of it, but not the reality of dealing with children. She retired very early.) She only ever attended one birthday party; her first grandchild's 1st. She usually had plans for holidays, so it was rare to see her then either. She did not attend any milestone/accomplishment events. My husband is an only child; this wasn't about favorites but general personality. She moved further away from where we are twice. The second time to a new state. She did like to get letters about what was going on, so I would frequently send snail mail filled with updates and news.

My FIL (they are long-divorced) is also a disinterested grandfather. In his case it is a Peter Pan issue. He distanced himself when my husband was a teen, because he could not admit he was old enough to have a son that old. When our first was born, we didn't hear from him for a very long time. When my husband's grandmother died, we met friends of FIL at the funeral who were shocked to discover that FIL had two grandchildren because he had never mentioned them. FIL is on Facebook now. When my husband posted about our 20th wedding anniversary, FIL commented about how we're making him feel old.

Reading it seems pretty awful right? It's not. We've never let it bother us. Sometimes it is good joke fodder. Sometimes we feel pity. It certainly wouldn't have been made to change by 'having a conversation'. We always accepted reality and didn't; get hung up on wishing something else was true. Like yours, my kids have interested and loving grandparents on my side of the family.

If you can accept things how they are, you will be so much happier in your life.

i might be furious if it were clear that this was a snub to my kids, but your post makes it pretty clear that this is just her.

she's a cool, distant person.

i suggest you try to accept her as she is and appreciate her good qualities, which i'm sure she has. yeah, she's not a storybook grandma, but talking to her isn't going to alter her baseline personality.

i'm betting that you if you meet her where she is instead of expecting her to live up to your expectations of her you'll be pleasantly surprised.

good luck!
khairete
S.

I agree with Suz and B.

It's your expectations that are letting you down - not your MIL. She's just the type of person she is. Her personality is just that. Just accept her for who she is, and move on.

My in-laws want my husband and I to be people we're not, and this has caused them so much upset. My husband keeps saying "um sorry..." but they can't move on from it. They have said we're ruining their retirement. It's like well, no ... we're just who we are.

I just glanced back through your previous questions, and your husband's oldest daughter had huge issues. Maybe your MIL is like my mom. Not cuddly (somewhat emotionally unavailable) but very giving to kids/teens in need. My mom always made a point to spend time with her step-granddaughter who felt very insecure at family gatherings. She had a lot of issues due to her parents' divorce. My mom recognized that and made an extra effort.

Your daughters have both parents there and maybe she feels they are very loved and secure. Who knows? Maybe she senses that your Step daughter needs a tad more attention. In your previous question, you mention she had been cutting and had been going off to military college. Without reading it all - sounds like a troubled youth.

I wouldn't take it personally. I also wouldn't get involved (i.e. talking to her yourself).

Just let it go. She is who she is. I agree about getting out and getting coffee and talking to dogs - with B. Maybe that's just her. My mom used to get up and go for walks early in the morning while the morning chaos went on in our house. Maybe she's an introvert - who knows?

I get what you are saying. I am a sensitive person. Just take a step back and realize, it may have nothing to do with you or your kiddos. That's usually the case :) Don't waste any time on it.

*ETA - I think Marda makes a good point in that perhaps MIL feels judged. Sometimes people pick up on the fact that they feel you've disappointed them. Where she's been given a ticket as a 'hint' etc., she probably knows you and hubby are not happy with the kind of mother/grandmother she is. Who knows, maybe she has depression (withdrawn, doesn't want to travel etc.).

Take her for who she is. You actually may want to consider yourself lucky...many women don't want their MIL meddling or hanging around a lot. Sorry the kids don't have much of a grandma, but that's true with a lot of people who either have grandparents who live far away or who have passed on.

It's clear she's not going to change.
She might have a kind of social anxiety - a lot of people find it much easier to talk to animals instead of people - animals don't judge and they have no expectations.

The only thing you can change is your expectations about her and who you want her to be.
You have this image in your head of what a perfect MIL/ grandmother should be and you need to let it go.
Once you accept her as she is you will not be upset and it seems like no one is really bothered by what ever she does or doesn't do so just let her be.

Sounds like your happiness with that part of your life depends on what your mil does. She is the way she is. You can't change her any more than she can change you. Obviously your personalities clash. You can decide to be happy. Stop expecting her to be different than she is.I suggest she has accepted you. Now it's time to accept her as she is.

My mother and her mil were not close. Yet they loved each other. Love is important in a family relationship. Love allows us to accept each other as we are. With love, we don't need to change the other person. My parents did the planning of activities when we visited our paternal grandparents.

When my brother married, my mother said if her son loved someone, my mother could step around her. Mother and wife were obviously from different generations. My parents accepted her. They had different values and ways of thinking. Yet they got along. They weren't close. They seldom saw each other. They lived at opposite ends of the state. My parents drove to see me. My brother, who lived in the same city, didn't invite them to vist. He did bring his wife and stepchildren to my house a couple of times when our parents visited. It is what it is. We can't change anyone else. We can change our relationship by respecting others and who they are.

Have you considered that your mil feels that you judge her? Perhaps she's even more withdrawn than usual because she feels you don't accept her. You've listed what she does and doesn't do but not your effort to meet her half way. Have you asked her to bring coffee and sweets for the family? Knowing she likes coffee and a sweet, have you set up the coffee pot so all she has to do to turn it on. Perhaps provide a travel cup so she can take it with her while she walks the dogs.

Find ways you can show approval. Perhaps sit with her and join her conversation with the dogs. Have you tried to set up times for your daughters to be with her? Perhaps list some things to do and ask her which one she'd like to do with them. Perhaps sit down with everyone for a board game or set up a craft for family to do together. You know she loves her dogs. Perhaps you and your daughters could walk with her.

Sounds like you really don't know her and expect her to take the initiative with your girls. She will never be a grandmother like your mother. With some input from you she can have a different kind of relationship with them. It will not be warm and fuzzy like your parents. She has a different personality than your parents.

My son in laws mother seemed cold and judgemental. Her son was disappointed. He wanted his mother to have a warm and accepting attitude. He recognized that she wasn't capable to be more like me. Our personalities and life experiences were vastly different. He was disappointed and sad. He didn't try to change her. He provided times for them to be together without expecting her to be warm and involved. LOL I loved and participated with grandchildren enough for both of us. Be glad and happy that your children have your parents involved.

You have described my MIL pretty well...minus the visit to actually see us. I am actually now 23 years into this marriage, thankful that I don't have to deal with family drama. I am glad I don't have either a good or really bad relationship with her...she is just not that interested in our lives.

She has never wanted to visit us, even after the birth of our first child, her first grandchild. We offered to pay for her to come. It kinda bothered me at the time but my DH isn't close to her and she just is not a super warm and fuzzy person.

I am sorry if you got some harsh advice on here...I haven't read them all, yet.

I finally figured out it was for the best not to let it worry me because it did for a while...I wondered if she didn't like me or something...but I figured out it wasn't me it was just the whole world that she just wasn't into. She likes to read, her dog, her work and her simple life.

Try and let go of any expectations you had of her being in your lives and let go of her. It okay to do that. When I see my MIL we have a nice chat and discuss popular fiction...maybe tell her a bit about the kids if she asks. But I see her maybe for a few hours every three years or so. Good luck and hugs!!

I agree with you that the poster ragging on you is too harsh. Good grief.

I don’t blame you for how you feel. And you are venting in the right place - with strangers.

I know you are frustrated, but your husband isn’t willing to try with her. He probably knows that it wouldn’t do any good. And it really IS up to him to have this conversation.

I think the best thing you can do is stop trying so hard. At least for the kids’ sakes. The more they see her ignoring them, the harder it is for them.

I honestly feel more sorry for your husband than the kids. They aren’t used to seeing her anyway, but he is her son and it’s a slap in the face to him.

You can’t change her. It is not you or your family. She is just self interested. My parents are the same way. They live so close and they never ask to do anything with our kids. They have never asked if our kids ever wanted to sleep over at their house. And, every time we have asked them to babysit, they cringe. They hate hate every minute of it. Now my kids are older and and they don’t have a close relationship with my parents. My parents want to reap the benefits of a relationship but they don’t want to put in the time and effort towards building a relationship with my kids. You reap what you sow. Just let her go and don’t be consumed by her lack of interest. That is what I have to do. And, quit asking her to come visit. She is a bore anyways. Hope you learn fast from my experience. It will save you some anguish but you will still have some resentment towards her, like I do.

Ugh. I would be really frustrated with her too. She's not what you imagine a grandma should be like and it's really sad she shows no interest in her granddaughters. There's not too much you can do. I think talking to her about it would not make a difference. Would your husband be up for saying things to her when she visits?...like telling her he would love it if she interacted more with the girls...bake something with them, do a craft with them, teach them about dogs (??), play cards or a game like Connect Four, etc. Instead of a big talk which will make her feel bad. Just one evening he can say, hey mom, I'd love it if you played checkers with Mary right now...she would love some special time with you while you are here. Another night suggest something else. This is what I do with my mom...otherwise she sits on her phone the whole visit watching Youtube videos. I know she loves her grandkids but she is very self centered and only thinks about what she wants to do in the moment. It is really disappointing.

I feel bad for you. My MIL is awesome. She's involved in my sons life, asks how school and dance are going. Both my parents and MIL both said they loved being moms but being a grandmother is something special. My husband and I hate living in Florida but both agreed that we can't imagine Nick growing up without seeing his grandparents like he does.

I would stop trying. Shes the one missing out. I feel bad for your girls. Explain to them that some people weren't made to be grandparents.

I know first hand the hurt caused when a grandparent(s) favor one over another. However, please let it go. She isn't going to change. She is the way she is. Yes she gives your stepdaughter more attention than your daughters.

My husband did talk to his parents. It helped somewhat but there was still hard feelings. I have had to move on from it. You need to as well.

I would say if your husband wants to talk to her about it that's up to him. Honestly if she isn't interested in talking your kids they already know it, so making small talk about school, etc. probably isn't going to make much of a difference. It's sad that someone doesn't care at all about their grandchildren, really sad and strange. I'd just be thankful for the grandparents that do care!