Mother in Law Hlep!

Sometimes the good comes with the bad. You can ask for what you want as much as you want, but you are not going to change her. Wouldn't the world be great if everyone only did what we wanted. My mother sneaks over my house to steal my son's laundry to do at home. I have asked her a million times to please not do it, but she can't help herself. What you really need to decide is are you willing to put up with her controlling behaviors to have a free babysitter. Sorry I can't give you better advice.
C.

Regina B said it best! You have to take the good with the bad. If you want free child care (and believe me you do, rates are ridiculous!) you have to deal with the way she is.......plus she's helping you take advantage of it. Once you are able to afford child care or are willing to pay for it then you won’t have to deal with her, until then the good comes with the bad.

You can't change her, but you can train her. She needs to learn boundaries.. Read the book "Boundaries" by JohnTownsend & Henry Cloud.

Unfortunately, you are not going to change your Mother-In-Law. If you want her to be in your life (caretaker of your child), you will have to take the good with the bad.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I have learned that you cannot change people and if you want them in your life, you have to accept them for who they are (good and bad). If you don't like her actions, then you will need to find another sitter.
Just my two cents (talking from experience),
R.

No----not wrong......
BUT my mom has a cousin that baysits both sets of her grandchildren on different days. She's the kind that rearranges drawers, puts laundry away, etc etc.
O. daughter in law it drives NUTS, the other DIL gets referred to as the "good O." b/c she doesn't mind the extra "help"!
I guess the choice is in how you react to it. I'm sure she's just trying to help and has your best interest at heart.
My question to you: Wold you fell as upset if it was your mom doing that stuff? Probably not.
I'd let it go in the spirit of family harmony.

I know you're in a difficult situation. For some reason Mom's have this strange feeling that their adult children's homes are an extension of their own. I know my own "in laws" did that at first and I even saw my Mom doing it to my brother's home. They are just trying to help.

When I started keeping my grandkids I started "helping", but I told my daughter what I moved, some went over well while others I could tell weren't appreciated!!! So...... I'm very careful now.......When there is laundry in the washer and dryer when I get there I will fold, but I leave the piles where my daughter can put them away when she gets home. (Only the kid's clothes) Moms don't think anything about folding underwear, no big deal!!! But........ I understand that that's a private thing!!!

I'd put up a "to do list" on the fridge so your MIL can see what YOU want done. I wouldn't make it a list for her, just a general list of things you need to do. I agree with a number of the other posts, she's bored!!! On the list I'd also give her ideas to do with your daughter instead of "House things". Books you want to read to your daughter, practicing numbers, the alphabet, drawing pictures etc....... that way she's spending time with her Grandaughter too.

Once you guys get this ironed out.....she could be the best thing that happens during the day! Good luck with everything!!!

Are you kidding me Sandy E? What?!? I can't even continue to read responses that suggest that you are wrong in any way for your feelings. MIL is WRONG! She is the one being disrespectful of your home. Unless you asked her to do those things, she has no business being a busy buddy around your house. Maybe if she ASKED, what can I do to help out while I am here. Otherwise she is there to watch your child, PERIOD! Total violation of boundaries! I am pretty sure if you did that in her house she would have a huge problem with it.

You are right on for your feelings and you did the right thing. If she can't handle it than maybe she does need a break to think about HER issues. I say good for you for sticking up for yourself and what is comfortable to you. You should never have to be ok with things that make you uncomfortable. MIL needs to be in control of HER environment and let you be in control of yours. The End.

Wow....can she come to my house!?

I know what you mean. But it does seem she means well. Is she a widow and maybe alone a lot. They like to feel needed, everyone does. So this is probably where her nesting comes from. Its ok to have boundaries, I think I might take her to lunch to explain yourself. That this is what you have waited your whole life for and just wanted to do it yourself. Amuse her by telling her you would like to hear her suggestions. You are lucky really to get free daycare with someone who loves your daughter. She seems to like to keep busy. Hell I would give her a list of things to do if thats what she wanted. LOL!

Can you suggest that she watch the children in her house? yes it means going to garage sales and Craigslist to get cribs and baby gear and toys for her house No big deal it removes the headache of her taking over your house and keeps the cheap childcare. if you dont want to put in the considerable extra effort to go to her house then try the to do list idea, my mother like that she wanted to help!

I am trying to understand this: is she buying things and putting them out when you aren't ready? Is she removing walls? Is the neglecting your child while she is doing it? I can understand that you want to design your own baby's room, just like I really do not want my husband to go through my makeup or jewelry and reorganize, however I am not sure what part is so upsetting about it. If she is putting stuffed bears where you want a mobile, then move them back each and every time she does so. Like with a child you do not have to use words, go into action. If you need her as a babysitter the enjoy the fact that you are one of a few people on this earth who has a built in babysitter and chalk it up to the fact that this will be pretty well done in five years which really goes fast and then you can pay the huge prices we have all paid to have our kids in after school programs and sports activities. I understand how painful it is not being in control of that situation, but you are not powerless, simply put some of the things away that you do not want her touching. Again, action speaks louder than words. And tell her no no on your underwear. (ick, who would want to wash anyone's underwear?) Since you are working, you are there a limited amount of time why not simply enjoy your baby? You are not overreacting, you are reacting, because you feel out of control. But mother in law is in all likelihood bored with a child aged eighteen months all day and she is not in her own home where she can do her own thing 40 hours a week. Perhaps she could babysit in her own house. Suggest that, then she can redo her living room, watch baby while she makes cupcakes or whatever.Then she can do whatever she wants. I am not sure how reasonable she is but you might admit that you really do need a babysitter and that you just want some things a little different. And there are many mother in law issues out there, it looks like this one is solvable.

I don't think you were wrong at all, especially since you were respectful & told her she is appreciated. I have been through some similar situations with my MIL rearranging the baby's room, etc. Luckily she lives in another state though so it is not something I have to deal with on an ongoing basis. To me it just seems plain rude to rearrange things in someone else's home or to go in their drawers, even if it is a family member. Not everyone agrees with this though. Your MIL may be one of those people who thinks there are no boundaries with family and may truly feel that she is being helpful. You may have to put some of it on you to keep the peace - "I'm really picky about how my laundry is folded so would prefer to do my clothes myself, but thank you for offering", etc. What about your husband? Is he willing to talk to her about any of this? It may go over better & seem less offensive coming from him. I know my husband hasn't been real helpful in that area though; prefers to stay out of it - "she's only here a few times a year, just let it go", etc. I don't think men always realize how much things like this can bother us. I know it is a hard situation and I don't have much advice. Just know that you are not alone and it is not wrong to be offended when someone is going through your drawers, rearranging your house, etc. Good Luck to you; I hope the situation can be resolved quickly.

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no you are not in the wrong and personally, i would've found someone else to do the job for me, i understand the financial part, however, that would entice me or my husband to get a second job so the money is a cause for issue and child care

however, what if it was your mom? how does your husband feel? my mother in law would do that too, but it bother's both me and my husband so we don't give her the opportunities

My MIL is a difficult one, too. I do understand where you are coming from and for me, I would feel like my privacy has been invaded and we are all entitled to a little privacy! There is nothing wrong with wanting that!

If you need her to babysit, however, then you may need to rethink this one. Can you give her a "to do" list? Maybe that would keep her occupied and keep her away from things you would like to remain private? Can she start addressing envelops for announcements for your new baby? Clean out the junk drawer?

I really get where you are coming from... but wow, free babysitting is hard to pass up! Let us know what you decide to do and congrats on your new little one! Please don't let this prevent you from enjoying your pregnancy!

nope you arent in the wrong but she is watching your daughter in your home for free or little $$ so it is one of those " nothing is free and youre gonna have to pay one way or the other"....either get rid of her or put up with her "help" that is the only solution

No - I do not think you are in the wrong. I could write a book on experiences with my in-laws! You have every right to express your feelings instead of letting them stew inside of you. Besides, it's not like you are being unreasonable - this is all valid stuff and she has crossed the line to an extent. She sounds like she may be meddling too much and doesn't realize it - a common in-law issue! I would try and sit down and talk to her and express how grateful you are to her for all she's done for you and the great care she has given your daughter, but there are some things that are important to you - like setting up the new baby's room and deciding how your 18mo should be cared for.

Make it sound like you value her opinion and would like her input, but at the end of the day you want and need to be involved in these decisions. Some mothers get so wrapped up in their grandchildren and they think they know best. She is probably innocently trying to help but doesn't realize how she's crossed the line. BTW where does your husband play out in this? Can he have a chat with her? Does he agree with you or is he staying neutral? You need his support in this as well - and in such a way where your MIL doesn't feel ganged up on. Good luck!

You said that you knew it would be a problem in the beginning but due to finances you had to. Now what you expected has happened and beyond. You are not wrong in wanting her to focus on the grandchild and not rearranging your home that she does not live in or getting the room ready for the new grandbaby. I am not sure that there is anything that you can do to get her to see that she is overstepping her boundries unless you go to her home and rearrange things so that it suits you to show her how it feels and she still probably wouldn't get it. What has your husband said or done throught this whole thing. Maybe a letter explaining that you don't resent her but just like she raised her children the way she wanted to and arranged her home the way she likes it, you want the same opportunity that she had with her children and home. Maybe that will help. Have her son say something or does he feel like you are being ungrateful too?

First, I have to say, it is a HUGE sacrifice that she is making to watch your child for free that often. I am sure she enjoys it, but hopefully you have been showing your great appreciation for her help in as many ways as possible.
That said, she has no right to go through your things. Perhaps she could watch your daughter at her house? All she would need is a portable crib & high chair. Then she could straighten her own house instead of yours.
I (& my mother) are similar to your MIL...we are easily bored in other people's homes and have an incessant need to be "busy". She is probably ready to go out of her mind being at your house and not being allowed to do anything...that would drive me nuts! If you were to ask her about her motivation behind what she does, it's probably 50% boredom, 50% trying to be helpful to you. Perhaps you can redirect her energies to things you would LIKE her to do. How about leaving a recipe for her to make dinner and invite her to join you? Any mending/sewing or ironing you need done? If you don't want her to do your laundry, keep the full laundry basket in your room while she is there. I totally get the laundry thing...I don't like anyone doing mine either.

I think you need to be honest with her, but you need to start out with 5 minutes of gratitude, apologies and compliments before you get to the criticisms. She is saving you literally thousands of dollars, trying to be helpful and all she gets for her trouble is complaints...I would probably quit to and so would you if you are honest with yourself.

Ungrateful and disrepectful of your elder and the mother of the man you married. You should be happy to have help and someone who is willing to go the extra mile and try to lighten your load, especially with your being pregnant and working. Quit being so territorial and enjoy your mil help and learn to appreciate and value her experience as a mother and home maker.

Sounds like you need to bite the bullet and get another babysitter.

Definitely not wrong! BUT...again like said before, you can't change people. What you can do though is sit down and try to come to an agreement. Remember, you are having her watch your child, payment free (I assume), and though that gives her absolutely no right to interfere in the way she did, in her mind, it might be an even exchange or she might see it as, you need the help and just don't know it. If she wants to do things, maybe make a clear list of what she is allowed to do...?

My MIL and I will probably be battling our differences until the day we die, we love each other, but we don't like each other very much, at least not always!

Best thing I can say is, call her, email her and arrange a time to sit down with her. Let her know that you need to clear the air and I would do it just you and her, without your husband. Clearly and calmly state where you stand on things and why and thank her for her help, her time etc, but remind her that it's your home, your child, and ultimately your decision on how things are done and that you need her to respect that for everyone's sake, if she can't...well...let it go, you've said what you need to and in my experience....grandma's don't like being kept out their grandchildren's lives, so she'll come around! ( I know I sound harsh...but it's really tough love) relationships with family shouldn't come at the expense of your comfort and happiness.)

All of us had different ways that our Mom's Mothered us and that sound like what she is trying to do for you. Perhaps you didn't experience this type of Mom as a child or it hits close to what you did experience and are still the child trying to break free of parent influence. If she is not searching your financials, stealing, painting walls, putting in new carpet of her choosing, not abusing your child, and not a danger due to memory loss or health issues let this one go. She would be just trying to help, feel useful and not make others say "what did you actually do all day?". I know if your a control freak like me it is hard to just let it go, but instead of folding a pair of underwear you get to hus your child a little extra or sit and feel the baby move in your belly. Also having children is a complete loss off control of where your stuff is and keeping it where you wanted it so this may be your primer.

Just sit her down for a talk. Tell her youre sorry that you guys got off track and you are sensitive and hormonal right now (best excuse ever for when youve said something you want to rewind), but "seriously Mom you are doing too much and it makes me uncomfortable. I love having you help me, but all I really want you to do during the day is xxxxxxx" Tell her that "it makes ME feel good to do "this and that", so please just leave that for MEto do, I don't want you to wear yourself out before your next grandchild gets here!
You asked how can I rectify.... so this is my suggestion.

I completely agree that your mother in law is overstepping her boundaries. Would it be possible to have her watch your daughter at her house? If not, I would look all bedrooms doors. Setup a playpen and put needed baby items in the living room. All she should really need access to is the living room, kitchen and bathroom.

I have a very similar MIL, so I feel your pain! NO you are not in the wrong at all!!!! She is completely overstepping the role you have asked her to play, which is BABYSITTER!!! Not home organizer, interior decorator or family planner. Where does your husband stand on all this behavior from her? If he is supportive of you (and he should be), HE should handle his mother. Let him confront her over these things and explain that she is not being respectful of both of you and your wishes as far as your child care is concerned. I wouldn't apologize to her for confronting her - that's what she wants, so she has more power over you. Instead I would say that you are sorry she cannot see your point of view, but that until she can, maybe it is best she not watch your child. Ask her this - would she want you coming over to her house and placing her belongings in the places/rooms that you think would be best? Would she want you decorating her home, and calling all the shots? I know you said financially you need her to help watch your child, but she most likely knows that, and is playing on that by doing what SHE wants in your home. You need to be prepared to stand firm that you don't need her to babysit. This may mean cutting back on things, but you need to show her that you're fine without her. Ask a friend, neighbor or at last resort, find a church daycare that could take your daughter. She needs to see that she is not in control of your lives, you are. Good luck. MIL's are hard, and I've found that the ones who have only boys for children are the WORST!

Tough situation. Is there any way your husband can help? Do you think there is any chance that you do resent her in any way? I don't think she should be going through your things but if you need her help, you might have to make some concessions. I can only say that as an outsider looking in. It's harder to do that when you're the one in this situation. My mother in law was not much of a help to us when I had my babies but I did find that I resented her doing things the way she wanted as opposed to the way I wanted and when I look back on it, that was really more about me. My mother was no longer alive and I think I resented my mother-in-law being there when my mom couldn't be so I think I took things more personally than I should have. I'm hoping that perhaps your husband could referee a little on this one. Also, if you can talk to her outside of the heat of the moment, maybe she can understand your point of view if you can speak about it in a calm manner with each other. And, if she's good with your baby, be grateful that she is there and able to help (if you can - I know, easier said than done)
Good luck!

You are not wrong. It is your home, your children, and your rules. That said, she may be over-sensitive or of the mind set that if she can't do things her way she wont' do them at all.

I would talk to her (with your hubby) and say "I know that I have offended you and for that I am truly sorry. We love you very much and deeply appreciate all you have done and try to do for us. I only meant to stress how important it is to me that I be able to do all the things that I should do in my home ( the baby's room, laundry, and decorating/organizing) AND would much rather you focus on your granddaughter when you are watching her. We really do need your help. Will you please reconsider watching her?"

It restates your appreciation and your needs as well as your wishes and lets her still feel in control. If you can afford to have someone else what your daughter, it would be much less stressful because this fight will go on. By the way, she can come do my laundry!

hire some one to watch your daughter - and enjoy your husbands' mother as your childs' grandmother. there is really no other way.

I do not think you are wrong at all. She is watching YOUR child, not running YOUR house. You are the mom and she should not be doing everything the way she thinks it should be done. Is there any way she could watch your daughter at her house. That way she still gets to watch her but you dont have her going through your stuff. I have a difficult mil to, so i can understand how you are feeling. Hope everything works out for the best. It is great she watches your daughter, but there has to be boundries also, and if she cant agree to that then you may have to find a daycare. It is not worth all the drama. Good luck!

I hope I'm not totally reiterating what has already been said since I didn't read all the responses. How would your MIL feel about watching your daughter in her own home? You or your husband can drop her off and pick her up - then your MIL has all the control she needs over the space she is in and you don't get your privacy violated.

You are NOT wrong. It's crazy for her to be folding your underwear and putting your baby's nursery together. I would be offended too.