Mother in Law and Finance

I have a similar situation with my own MIL. But now she is cut off.

I would talk to my husband and ask him to handle the talk with her. Ask him to go over her finances with her. How much does he "make" a month/ how much are her utilities, food, rent/ how much is left over? How much do you need for us to give you -- really? I suggest giving her goodie bags of tp,canned foods, etc. in lieu of money.

Also, she may be eligible for section 8 or other gov't subsidized housing. An initial "no" should ALWAYS be challenged.

Good luck!

My husband and I had to help both our mom's out financially during our marriage. Unless you both make a lot of money and have very secure jobs, these are not times to be wasteful or unaware of where every dollar is going. I advise that before you confront your husband about the sum you are giving to his mom, the first thing you do is sit down together and look over past tax returns. Look at your monthly expenses and annual expenses. Make sure you factor in savings and emergency funds, college accounts and retirement, auto maintenance and replacement and household repairs and maintenance, health-care premiums and annual deductible, life insurance, other insurance, annual vacation, clothes, entertainment, cell phones, cable, EVERYTHING. Add into that what you give your MIL and other charitable giving, allowances for the kids. Total these expenses and divide by 12. Are you able to cover these expenses monthly? If so, how much is left over each month?If not, begin evaluating every line-item in the budget. Some are non-negotiable but others can be adjusted.

If the money you are giving his mom is not causing a problem, just leave it alone. After all, she made the sacrifices most mothers make to raise your husband and take care of him and it surely blesses him to see her able to have a season to spend money for herself. However, if your own household budget needs to be reigned in, you have in impersonal opportunity to say, we need to establish a more realistic household budget for our family and should also help your mom learn to budget her money as well so we can continue assisting her.

There are many chirches who have financial counselors, classes ( free) and accountibity partners. I recommend them for every one, regardless of their financial situation. One is offered through Crown Financial Ministires and the other is Dave Ramsey's Financial Freedom University. The former would be great for your MIL and the latter ( or both) would be great for you and your husband. These are more than money management, but are great training to understand how money works and how to make it work for you. Your MIL would love it and meet new people.

Good luck!

Your question is valid. Even if it were my mom, I'd want to know that she showed enough respect for me and my family and not making us do without because she spends too much. Yes, I would discuss it with your husband and then your mother-in-law. Maybe she needs to see your lack of finances to tighten up her end of the belt a bit.

You did not say what your husband;s response to your concern is. He should be the one who understands he needs to take care of the family he created first. if there is problem with this $300 he should address this with his mother himself. I don;t think you are being a witch about it. whatever those disturbing things are that ou found out need to be addressed. Your husband must take charge, be realistic about his mother and tell her "no" to any handout to the "disturbing". Sounds as if she is abusing your generosity. J. Gordon

I don't blame you for feeling this way at all. I was in a simalir situation with my daughter's fater's cousin living with us. (say that real fast 5 times! lol) We were already living paycheck to paycheck and he came to 'stay' with us till he got on his feet. Well, the bills went up but he wasn't giving us anything to help pay them which ticked me off.

Now you didn't say what your MIL was spending her extra money on but it sounds like she could be putting it to better use. You need to talk to your hubby about this. It is one thing to help take care of family but it is something else when you are being taken advantage of and your family has to suffer in return. Not saying you can't help her out from time to time but maybe a finace management class would do her some good??

Good luck!
S.

In a gentle way trying asking your mother-in-law to return any money that she has left over from paying her necessities. After paying the necessary bills she should return any money left over. She should be using the money more wisely. I know what you are going through, my mother-in-law lived with us for 3 years. Good luck.
P. S

hi K.,
i just recieved my disability. i want you to know she got back pay for one fully year, what she recieved per month times 12. All at one time and in one check. So she is not in need of any money at this time. You need to sit your husband down and have a long talk with him. she is taking advance of you and your familys good heart. She is very selfist (sick in the head)to take from her grandchildren and her own son. she needs mental help, no mother would continue to take from her son when she has recieved this money. good luck. if you have any questions about what all she is recieving you can email me. ____@____.com

I agree with you. I have had some similar issues with my mother and mother in law. We have 5 children so we had to start pulling back on some of our generous giving. Just like you said if we have to do without then they should have to do without too. Especially if they are spending their extra money on things that aren't necessities. If you keep giving, she will keep spending. You will have to stick to what you believe. Good Luck!

No, you are not being a witch. Your husband should step up to the plate - it's his mother. Your husband should not only check her finances, but call her into account on how she's "spending" her money - budget. I'm 69 years old, took early retirement (not disability) but it's been hard. I am trying to make ends meet, but it difficult. Have your husband check to see how her money is being spent. A lot of times women get into scams and that's where money is going.

Hi K.,
Sorry to hear about your situation. In my opinion, your mother-in-law should move in with a family member. This would certainly decrease her monthly expenses. If I were you I would certainly resent the whole situation. You should be saving for your family's future - retirement. If she owns a home it could be sold (I know it's a very bad real estate market currently!).
Good luck.
S. N.

money and family are never fun to combine. Maybe if you sit down with your husband and come up with a financial plan for your MIL (how much money you can give and everything it's designated for), taking into account her monthly income outside of you, then spell it out in writing for her. Maybe let her know as a family you're trying to get control of your finances so you're trying to plan ahead and budget so that it stays the same every month and there aren't any "surprises". You'll need your husband on board before you talk with her so he can lead the meeting. If he's wishy washy about it, then start your case with him about how/why this is important to you. It's hard because it's family and of course we want to take care of them but if it's on paper and agreed to you'll have a better shot of keeping a relationship that works for everyone. Best of luck!