Mother-In-Law Overly Worried.

how weird.
tell her that his intelligence is a positive thing, and many smart people get along just fine in the world have no trouble making friends.
for heaven's sake don't let her nuttiness affect YOU.
it is a Good Thing to be smart.
khairete
S.

Former teacher of gifted teacher of young children here. Tell her to stop worrying. Things have really changed. They do not skip children any more. They keep gifted children in their age group now.

Not only did I teach gifted children, but I had two of my own. They started in Montessori, and in public school, were in the gifted program. They are very well adjusted adults now. Happy ending.

There is no cause for concern from what I have read. Tell her I really don't want to hear it anymore in a loving tone.

Your son is absolutely fine.
Your MIL's problem is her own and she needs to keep it to herself.
Her being 'terrified' over a smart kid sounds like a personal problem.
Smart girls in her generation might not have been nurtured or looked upon as being the ideal way for a girl to be but this has no bearing at all on your son.
If she can't contain herself, then keep her at a distance.
Your son doesn't need her negativity.

Gosh that kind of projection drives me bonkers . . .

I would ask her "dear MIL, what - exactly -would you like me to do about it?" Should I attempt a DNA transfusion, or ban books, or feed him junk, or what? I'm really at a loss here!" :P

This is her issue and has absolutely nothing to do with you or your son. If she can't clamp down on her own emotional difficulties (as subconscious as they might be) I would cut down contact with her. I would be polite, but a bit more distant.

Does she ever consider what sort of burden she is laying on you? Isn't raising children worrisome enough as it is without adding to it over stuff that may or may not happen? I could understand if she had a concrete suggestion (fine) but consistent whimpering and emotional constipation is a different story.

Good luck.

My son can do all that too. My daughter did even more at that age. We always thought it was pretty cool and encouraged it. Im not worried at all. Would she rather him not be exceeding? I have never heard of such thing. Tell her to chill out.

Some people like to worry, nothing you say will change that.

My daughter is the same way, she is now 4 and her doctor told me to see if she can start K early because otherwise she will be almost 6 when she starts. She will be so bored in another year of preschool.

Many times kids do level out by the end of elementary school but if not, we as parents owe it to our kids to help them maximize their potential. If they have a love of learning, we need to go with and help support that. Since you have a boy that is like that, don't waste that benefit (little boys tend to want to learn later).

Hmm, your little fella sounds like mine. Now he's 18, a freshman at an excellent engineering college, on Merit Scholarships. We WAS in advanced classes throughout his childhood, but I did not ever see the need to skip a grade or put him in a gifted program. I found ways to stimulate him in his HOME life in addition to school.
He was and still is a solitary guy, an avid reader, a perfectionist, but completely 'normal' in every way. He will have a very successful life, and enjoy it while he's doin' it!

So, you can tell your MIL my story of success with a brainiac!

:)

ADDED* Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's 6 ft 3, 220 lbs.

Your son sounds like my daughter when she was 2 - she is now 3.5 and is very smart, has strong language, pre-reading and math skills (according to her preschool teacher) and she is still a social butterfly.

Your MIL is probably projecting what happened with her sister onto your son but there are so many other factors at play that it's really pointless to constantly compare. If her sister went to college at 15, she probably would have had trouble socializing with other students only because she was much younger than them, yet maybe could not relate to children her own age. Your son sounds very intelligent and there is no reason for him to have troubles with socialization or be an "outcast" because of it. Some children can have forms of autism, like Aspberger's, which can make them highly intelligent and gifted in some areas, yet unable to read social cues or understand other people's emotions or points of view. I am not an expert by any means but this does not sound like your son at all. I would not worry about him at all, to be honest. I would just let him be, enjoy him for who he is, and if you decide to enroll him in preschool at 3 or 4 years old, see how he gets along with other kids.

If your MIL says something again, maybe ask her what exactly is she worried about, why does she think it is a cause for concern, and what does she think you should be doing instead. Then let her know that you have discussed it with the pediatrician and there is no cause for concern at this time. If she is still going to worry about it, you can't help that, but if she continues to say something, just keep repeating yourself - "He's doing great and everything seems fine so far." Maybe after being a "broken record" for a while, she'll finally decide to drop it.

Your son has a great gift of absorbing knowledge! Your MIL should not worry, nor should you allow her to make you worry about him. You could politely tell her that kids advance at their skills differently because they are individuals. Some are slower than others, some are faster than others. Encourage this thirst for knowledge with your son. Because if you allow your MIL to take control of this, the lack of encouragement just may make him repress a bit. Don't want that. He has a great gift. A lot of children do. And if he is smart and can skip grades, doesn't mean you have to let him. The teachers he will have in the future should me made aware that if lessons get too easy, they need to find ways of challenging him more. Just food for thought for the future. My son is six years old, and he started kindergarten at the public school where I'm at here, but only for about three hours a day because they didn't have full time kindergarten. Issues arose with this school and his teacher and I transfered him over to a Charter School that is a full day kindergarten and HOLY MOLY the things he's learned already in just half a year.
May be your MIL is worried because some autistic children are very intelligent, and perhaps in the back of her mind is where her worries are coming from.
I would sit down with her and talk to her, or perhaps take her one day with you to your son's well check and let the doctor know of your MIL's concerns and then He/She can then tell her from a medical standpoint that he is perfectly fine! I am so happy to hear how intelligent your son is. :-) A lot of it could be inherited, and definitely a lot of it is coming from his parents caring and loving him and allowing him to explore his world and absorb it. :-)
You have nothing to worry about until a pediatrician says you have something to worry about. OK? So, don't worry until you have something solid to be worried about. And express that to your MIL as well. She ought to be proud and encouraging him.
From what I read here in your post, I can tell that you are a great Mom! Just remember, your son is "YOURS", not hers. If she insists on worrying about him, then tell her to keep it to herself.
Who knows, he could grow up with this thirst for knowledge and actually become a Scientist that discovers how to cure a terminal disease or something like that. That's the first thing that popped in my head when reading how smart he is.
OK....I guess I wrote a book. Sorry about that. I'm just so darn happy to hear/read of a child who is embracing books etc.
Take care L.. :-)

Your son is smart which is great and nothing to be concerned about. Work on his social skills, play groups, preschool. Get him involved in sports so he is part of a team. Give your MIL the ideas you have to socialize him so he won't be an outcast. They don't test kids for advance classes/TAG until 2 or 3 grade because just learning early and beginning of above average intelligence is too hard to tell until then.

Mine were doing what yours is and more. They could read books on their own at 2. they have never been considered "outcasts". Just smile and say "thank you" for the intellegence in the gene pool and leave it at that. Children tend to develop differently and at different stages. Hopefully yours keeps up an interest in learning as he gets older. I would not treat him like a genius tho, he sounds pretty average for a child that has a mom that actually teaches him stuff. Most two year olds dont have moms encouraging them to count or learn and then they wonder why their's seem "slow" compared to others.
You are doing a fab job!!

Tell her to keep it to herself, you have heard her concerns and even acted upon them by discussing it with the dr and at this point agree with the man/woman who went to medical school. Let her know you appreciate her concerns and advice however it is time to move on to something else as this topic at this time is no longer going to be entertained if you will. My son has special needs and is not even able, at 4 to do many of the things your son is able to do and my MIL will not admit he has any delays or issues at all and does not always do the things I ask her to do when he is in her care!

Our daughter was the same way. She was also way more mature than a lot of other children, so she tended to be more comfortable with adults than children her own age.. She loved solitary time (still does). This continued all the way through high school. She had friends, but not bosom buddies. Her friends were like her, smart, quick and able to understand way beyond their ages and they are all still doing great.

Like others have said, she was never labeled gifted and yet, she was a National Merit Scholar and is now a double major in college..

Since being in College, she has found an entire campus like herself.. These are people that want to be there, work h*** o* their studies and yet are also a bit geeky but have a great time..

Your son is who he is and no one can hold him back. Just let MIL know that you are working on his social skills, but you need to follow his lead and give him as much information as he craves....

Put yourself in her shoes. She lived through what her sister went through. She knows first hand how hard it would be for your child to be too advanced. I think having compassion for her and just telling her thanks for caring would be the way to go so you don't discount her feelings for your son. She must love him a lot to worry that he will live through what her sister did and want better for him.

You can just nod and smile and ignore her advice.

.

He sounds like my DD. He's fine mama. Don't worry and brush off what MIL says.

I agree that your son is fine. He sounds bright while still being socially engaged. I've done lots of research in regards to unusual behavior and your son sounds very normal.

I suggest that you tell your mil just what you told us and ask her to stop talking about it because it makes you anxious. Tell her that you've talked with your pediatrician and you are not going any further in searching for a problem.

I would also ask your husband to intervene. I think it would help if he also told her to stop talking about it. Both of you can sympathize with her concern while telling her that you don't agree and you won't be talking or listening any more about it.

Then I'd follow thru and change the subject every time she brings up her concerns. If she insists on talking about it, I'd leave the room, or if you're at her house, leave her house. She'll catch on that you're not going to listen anymore.

You can't stop her from worrying. The only person you can control is yourself. You can decide to protect yourself from her worrying and ask her to stop. If she doesn't you can refuse to participate and the easiest way to do that is to not respond to her comments.

You have no control over what your MIL feels, and in fact, if you try to talk people out of their feelings, it often has the effect of reinforcing them.

I'd just smile and say something like, "Hmm, I hear you're worried. What solutions do you have in mind?" When pushed to come up with an answer, she may realize you can't suppress a child's natural interests without hurting them. And you may be able to have a fruitful conversation about how to nurture your son's interpersonal relationships without squelching his curiosity.

Tell her my daughter was talking in sentences, literally having conversations like a little adult before age 2. She was counting to 20 at 18 months, knew all her shapes and colors, and was putting puzzles together at the same age. She also was reading small words at 2, and drawing pictures that my now 6 year old is just now drawing. She could write her name at 2.5, and write mom and dad. She was singing her alphabet at 18 months, and memorized her address and our phone numbers at barely 3. She was also spelling giraffe at 3.

Anyway, my point, she at now 5th grade, has never been put in the gifted and talented program because 'she doesn't meet the criteria'! I just laugh it off. She's been an all A student and is just happy. We've never pushed her. Just keeping our fingers crossed she continues to love school, being teachers' pets, and will give the valedictorian speech one day!

My just turned 2 son is on the same path as her so far also btw...we just treat him normal like we did her! My 6 year old, well, complete opposite. Love her just the same, but, like night and day. :D

You have received some great advice here. I just want to add a few thoughts. If your MIL currently doesn't spend much time with 2 year olds besides your son, she may not be aware of the wide range of developmental abilities they display. Perhaps if she spent some time with you at a playgroup or other setting with other children your son's age, it might change her opinions.
The one thing that really jumps out at me, though, is the effect of her fears on you, and possibly on her grandson as well. If he was developmentally delayed, physically handicapped or suffering from a congenital disease, would she feel the need to continually voice her fears? Or would she realize that constantly bringing it up adds to your burden? Additionally, your very verbal child is going to pick up on her worries, and start to doubt himself. Maybe if you could present it to your MIL in these terms, she will understand that her fears are causing harm, and she will back off.

Say something along the lines of "If you want to worry about how smart and great your grandchild is - do it in your head... stop pestering me about it. I've already talked to the pediatrician - you know that one who's qualified to diagnose child illnesses and issues - and she said my son is perfectly fine."

i would suggest really listening to her, drawing her out, asking about her concerns and her experience, what it was like for her sister, what it was like for her watching her sister. she obviously cares about her grandson. ask her with curiousity, not defensiveness, starting with appreciating her concern and continuing by asking her more about it, what is she worried might happen, what does she think might help etc., and be willing to consider her suggestions and offer your own. (like, maybe she thinks he would benefit from some more social and/or physical activities?). if, after talking about her experience and her feelings and listening to you, she still persists in insisting that your son has a serious problem, she may be showing that her hurts are so deep that she isn't able to see clearly, and you may then need to find a way to acknowledge and thank her for her concerns, but explain nicely that you have consulted with doctor etc and are doing everything you can to ensure that he is well rounded etc.

There is no polite here. She is living out her fears as her sister out shined her.
You just keep on training him and letting him become as full a person as he wants to be.
Yes my brother went to college at 15 and had no social skills. But, if you socialize your child and teach him how to be with other people he will be okay.
It wasn't that your husband's aunt was so smart, it was that her parents did not rise to the task at hand of training a completely brilliant child.
My brother had no mothering to speak of that is what really went wrong. So if you are a good mother who loves her son no problem no matter how advanced he is he will turn into an emotionally available mature person.
You need you to tell your MIL she's obsessed and needs to go to therapy. Tell her every time she starts to tell you about your son being too advance and I bet she'll shut her mouth.

"You know, MIL, I really appreciate how much you love him, and I know you are concerned. However, being that he's so smart and understanding so much, we certainly *shouldn't* be talking about it in front of him. He's likely to understand you are concerned in some way, and that would probably be even harder for him. I've spoken to his doctor, and if he says we have any reason to worry, I'll let you know!"

Wow. Does she really think every bright, intelligent person is going to be like her sister? Is her sister unhappy with her life? Might be a good question!

And no, don't borrow trouble by being concerned now. Your son is only just begun the age of being interested in social interaction with other children. Let yourself worry if his preschool or kindergarten teachers bring it up. There are also resources for children who have a hard time reading 'social cues' nowadays, so you could advocate for him if you see he's having a hard time. But likely, your MIL is projecting all over the place.

(PS-- I have an oblivious MIL too, sometimes, who also says horribly inappropriate things. Like "You know, your niece has that dark look in her eyes. Like she's angry and hates herself. She's going to be anorexic." It's all I can do not to put the iPod in sometimes!)

What IS she afraid of? Ask her that. Is she worried he'd be an "outcast" too just because he is smarter than the average kids? If all she's worried about is that your son won't "fit in," she is wrong. There is nothing wrong with being different and your son shouldn't feel pressured to get people to like him or accept him.

Unfortunately no one invented a sure way to make a nagging relative stop. If you talk it out and she keeps on, just do your best to not let your son be influenced by her.

I would just remind her that all children develop at different speeds, some quicker than other, but they almost all even out eventually. If your child is gifted, he will be so at a older age too. They don't really "outcast" kids as much these days, rather they keep them in the normal but offer additional programs.

Many members of my family have very high intelligence levels and, yes, like the stereotype, have awkward (even in adulthood) social skills. It sounds like that is what she is truly worried about. (It's awesome that he's growing and learning so well!! I love it!) Perhaps you could ask her on input on how to expand his social skills and give him a head start on those. Maybe she could even host some playdates so he could play with some of her friends' grandkids too. It'd be good for him and it might relieve her fears to enjoy his social interactions with his peers.

Another positive is that once she finds herself bragging to her friends about his intelligence, she'll find herself glowingly happy about it too. LOL.

Take her to his next check up and bring it up with the doc, in front of her.

My son knew his colors, numbers to 5 -plus a few more above, most of his shapes and right before his 2 yr check up said, "Mommy, may I have some of your milk, please?" He was still nursing at bed and nap. He frequently spoke in complex sentences at that age. Just floored us. But, I have noticed that some of his physical abilities are a tad behind his peers (not by much). He doesn't throw a ball as well, not very fast, of course he is petite, which is probably half the battle here.

Your son is fine and keep letting him learn when he wants to. It is so much nicer than having to push them. My dd was even more advanced than my son and she has been bored in kindergarten this year, but I am told that she will be more challenged in 1st. Try not to let him skip grades later on. There are so many other areas in which to have him grow and be challenged -music, art, athletics, etc., that will keep him interested in school and learning.

Well, she is just going to have to realize that your son is smart, and you can't "dumb him down" I mean, what the heck does she think you are going to do about it. If she is worried about him being an outcast, repeatedly telling him and everyone around him that he is "different" and "there is something wrong" is only going to make that a self fulfilling prophecy. I would say focus on making sure he is well socialized and good at making friends, and make sure she knows you are doing this, and aske her to help in those efforts.

There is nothing to worry about in having a smart kid, as long as you make sure he is well rounded and has other interests and a good social life, and is able to relate to other kids, he will be fine! I was in all the accellerated classes and stuff in grade and high school, always one of the top 5 in my class, but none of us "nerds" were really outcasts, we had our own friends, interests and fun. We were in band, choir and sports, as well as our acedemic interests and other extracriiculars. Well rounded is the key!

Good Luck, you have a wonderful little boy and an insecure MIL - try to keep her in the loop as far as how well he does with others and "normal" 2 year old stuf he does, just kind of gloss over/don't talk about the advanced stuff to her. Brag all you want to others, because you are doing something right with him! My now 4 year old daughter could count to 13 at 19 months old and say the whole alphabet. She started reading at 3 and a half, and can do some addition and subtraction, now, and can count to 50. She will be fine, her father and I were "nerds" and pretty smart too, but we were also happy well adjusted, etc.

He'll be fine!

I have super smart kids. Not like genius, but smart. My 4 yr old knew all the colors, shapes, letters (capitol and lower-case), sounds the letters make, and could count to 20 before his 2nd birthday. His older brother (now 7) was tested last October, at the beginning of 1st grade. The test they gave him started with first grade questions and went up to 12th grade. He answered as many as he could until they were too hard. In most subjects, the questions got too hard at 5th or 6th grade, but in one subject, he got up to ELEVENTH!!! As in junior in high school, and he was 6 at the time!

I try to teach him social skills, and I watch the hemline of his pants to avoid the typical nerd dress-code. But he still has a high "nerd potential." And you know what? Nerd isn't what it used to be. These days, with role models like Bill Gates, nerds are empowered and respected for their brains. Just like "geek" no longer means anything bad--it means someone who's good at computers.

I would suggest you search for Hoaggie's Gifted Page and go to About.com and read their articles about gifted children. I've had to fight my own mother's out-dated ideas about giftedness, the very ideas she used to raise me. For example, grade-skipping became a no-no years ago, but now it's understood better. My son skipped first grade and is doing GREAT in 2nd grade. He's not ostracized in his class. To the contrary, he's a little bit of a celebrity. The other kids take care of him because they know he's a whole year younger. And he had a bunch of them drive a long way to get to his birthday party.

I think it's odd that anyone would be frightened by smart kids, unless it's the sort of fear I have, which is that I won't be up to the task. My 3 very smart boys are demanding! We have in-depth conversations that tax my college education. My 4 year old hops into his car seat and asks, "Mom, can we talk about bacteria again?" He can explain the human immune response, the difference between bacteria and viruses, and how they infect our body cells. I worry about finding books advanced enough for my 7 year old that aren't too mature in subject and plot. And mostly, I worry that I won't be able to help them reach their extraordinary potential. I would never, NEVER dream of squashing their potential!

Reading about gifted kids may give you the information you need to talk to your MIL knowledgeably about the subject. For example, when she talks about social awkwardness, you can say, "You know, recent studies on smart kids say...." or "I just read an article about that very thing! Would you like me to email it to you?" that may change her mind, or maybe make her back off, either of which would be great!

Does your son play well with other kids? If he does, point that out. Maybe your husband or you can politely suggest that she seek out a therapist to talk about what she experienced in regards to her sister. I would definitely tell her otherwise that talking about the 'worries' is not doing anyone any good and is, in fact, upsetting you. And since there is nothing that you can do and the doctor says he is fine, you will have to remove yourself and your son and end the visit if she brings it up again. If you & your son sit and listen then it might become a self-fulfilling prophecy for your son.

This may be late but what you are saying about your son is wonderful but I myself have two wonderful children that are very advanced in their learning abilites and you just need to let them learn and not try to stop them it is wonderful that they are like little sponges and want to learn . I do not understand your mother in-laws worries . You need to teach them their social skills and he will be fine . My daughter is a social butterfly . Now my son he has friends and socializes but loves to learn and has friends that are the same as him . Let him grow and tell grandma to relax and show her how to teach him the socialization with other people and every thing will work out . I am just confused at the words you use about being worried about having a child who loves to learn .

I'm late to the table, but I wanted to add my two cents.

My older sister was gifted and socially awkward. My mother didn't want that for me, so she was going to make sure that I didn't get ahead of my peers. No books for me! Once, she caught my sister reading to me when I was a pre-schooler and we both got a spanking.

I was not allowed to do homework. I had to play outside until dark and then I was to do chores, play board games or watch the television. No reading!

When I started kindergarten, I did not know my ABC's. By second grade, I was reading on the 8th grade level.

Maybe I was a freak. We moved a lot. Sometimes I had friends. Sometimes I didn't. There was one time that I was even the popular girl. Sometimes gifted kids have trouble relating to the average child. Kids, like everyone else are drawn to people that share common interests.

Sometimes, I felt schizophrenic because I didn't feel like I fit in with anybody. Many of the "smart kids" had parents that encouraged their intellect, sometimes to the expense of other activities. On the other hand, the kids that I felt comfortable with athletically would often look at me dumbfoundedly when I forgot and used some advanced vocabulary.

Once, I actually tried when I wrote and paper and received an "F" for plagiarism. The teacher could not believe that it was not professionally written - and I was a below average student. I guess my "dumb act" had worked too well.

Intelligence should not be something to be ashamed of and to hide. It makes a child feel inferior when they cannot appreciate all aspects themselves. Celebrate your child, whoever he or she may be!