So, they live with us (We have three kids - a 10 year old and 8 year old twins). (MIL &SIL both have their own bedrooms we also added a full bathroom for them). It's been a both wonderful and very hard year. We've gone away several times over the course of the year and each time we go away one of my husbands siblings (who weren't expected to be in our home) or my mother-in-law (who has her own bedroom in our house) unexpectedly sleeps in our bed. Then I feel violated and I have more laundry and I have to remake my bed. I feel like I have no privacy or personal space. This past weekend I left a note on the counter for my sister-in-law to NOT have people over when we were away (she's college age). She texted my husband and said if she cleaned up, could she have people over. He disregarded the note I left (the house wasn't the way would like it to be for guests) and told her it was ok. When we returned I found out she did have people over- I didn't care that much. But, then when I went up stairs. The door to our bedroom was open, the bed was not the way I left it, the TV had been used and the toilet seat and lid was up in the bathroom ( I had shut it before we left). She said she was in our room playing with our dog and she was hung over so she threw up in our bathroom. Is this believeable to you? I still am confused-the door was closed, so how did the dog get in there? The dog waits for me downstairs when I'm not home- so it doesn't make sense that she was in the room. Why were the sheets on the other side of the bed? She was playing that hard with the dog? And, had all that energy, but was so hung over she got sick? My husband believes her and now he's mad at me for getting so mad. How do I handle this situation.
Thank you for your responses! My husband is a great dad and husband, but this situation has really been h*** o* our marriage. He's trying to please everyone (total people pleaser personality) and not rock the boat. Plus, his family does not communicate as easily as mine does. But, it was nice to see that I'm not crazy and he really is the one that needs to be in the doghouse (as one person said).
My sister-in-law did come to talk to me. She said she was sorry and that she should not have been in our room. She stuck to her orginal story though and I did tell her that I thought it sounded really fishy. I told her everything I was feeling, which felt great. She repeatedly said she was sorry and she has appreciated everything we've done for her. I got out everything I wanted to say and I got the point across that I didn't really believe her. We left it with her saying she loved me and thanks for everything. A plan is in place for them to move out in mid-June, but I'll believe it when I seed there furniture being loaded on the truck. As of now they haven't found a place. All I keep telling myself is I better get some great Karma kickback for this!
Personally I would get a blacklight and see if there is semen in the bed. It glows under blacklight..
When My SIL moved in to our house our bedroom door got a lock. My husband had a key and I had a key. As someone else mentioned this is about boundaries. My room is my personal space and no one needs to be in there. Weather your husband believes her or not is irrelevant, she and your dear hubby need to respect your boundaries.
Your SIL had a "sleepover" in your bed and her "friend" left the toilet seat up. This isn't rocket science and your husband needs to join your dog in the dog house for allowing this to happen. You are allowing his sister to live with you, which is difficult in and of itself- I know, my BIL lived with us for a year and it was good and bad at the same time.
The first conversation is with your husband. You're a team and this is the house that the two of you own and have created as a home for your family. People staying in your home need to respect that, including him. His sister isn't a child. She pulled the "ask the other parent" card and got caught. She's too old to "punish", but she's not too old for a list of "house rules" and a warning that if she can't follow them, she's out.
Second conversation is with your SIL (with your husband sitting next to you). However you want to phrase it, your house, your rules.... or find another place to live.
Either get a serious heavy duty lock for your bedroom and any other area of the house that requires limited access, or give them a date and time to move out in writing. Then change the locks and don't give them keys.
Did they actually "move in" or are they "permanent house guests?"
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be tolerating that at all. Unless they're paying you rent and have a contract to be tenants, they're guests and should be bending over backwards to stay in your good graces rather than taking advantage of your hospitality. They don't follow house rules and intentionally flout them when you're gone and don't care if you "find them out." They're unapologetic. They're disrespectful even if they're telling you the truth. "I was hung over, so I went in your room to play with the dog even though you told me not to, and since I was hung over I didn't care but I also had to hurl so since I was already there I used your bathroom which was also against your rules. Feel bad for me. Pity me because I hurled and I was being nice to your dog."
This is about boundaries.
You & your husband have to determine what is OK and what isn't.
It would bother me if someone was sleeping in my bed (without my offer or without them changing the sheets afterward. And maybe cleaning my toilet if someone puked in there!)
Is there a shortage of space? Don't they all have their own beds, rooms, etc? If they're bunking on the sofas, then I'd offer to let them use the bed while we were away, but with the common courtesy of returning the area to a reasonably restored state when I got back. Is the TV the big draw? Can they get TVs for their own space?
I guess you could always put an outside key lock on your bedroom door.
I'd be telling hubby if he doesn't get his head out of his butt he can get out along with his sister who seems to have absolutely no respect for your home. Sounds like it's time for your little SIL to move out and move out now. MIL should be on her way out soon as well. Your MIL should be telling her daughter "I don't think so!".
**I wanted to add, be sure to change the sheets in all the beds and disinfect the bathrooms and everything else thoroughly because you do not know what men she's bringing into the house. Gross!
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
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get a lock on your door. that will keep people out. that way - no arguments about who was in your room or why.
don't make more out of this- your husband will side with his mother and sister so instead of creating tension - but a lock for the door and that will put an end to people going into your room. If your husband doesn't like that idea - tell him - this is the easiest way to keep the peace and there won't be any more fights about who was where. PERIOD.
Set house rules FOR EVERYONE.
Jenny has the right idea. A good outside door lock will fit on a bedroom door and then you can lock it when you leave. You control the keys.
Then you don't have to believe. You know.
Just a thought . . . Radio Shack and others sell baby sitter cameras so you can keep track of what happens with your child when they are alone with the babysitter.
Good luck to you and yours.
She (or someone) was having sex in your bed and probably was hung over and throwing up as well. Proving it is not possible without DNA testing and it's water under the bridge.
You need a way to enforce the rule that no one goes into your room and bathroom. You're being very generous about everything else, it's not too much to ask. You should lock it when you leave town.
This is why no one besides my husband and son will ever live in our house.
She has her own bed but when ever you step out, she's having sex with who ever and her bed isn't good enough for that - so she's got to use yours.
Eew!
You have no idea who they bring in and the strangers could rob you blind.
I'd find another living arrangement for them so they could move out,
but if that's not possible - lock up your bedroom (and your valuables).
Seven people (4 adults) is a crowded house in my mind.
And your kids are learning by observing all this.
Your husband needs to figure out who he's married to.
If he can't cleave unto his wife, some serious marriage counseling is in order.
No one should ever be in your room, that is your own personal space, and I think it is rude of them to do this. I would get a lock on the door but it is sad you have to do this and that your husband doesn't back you up. Why do they live with you? I could see if someone lost their job and needed help for a while but I don't think I could have any family members living with us permanently. I think you need to have a talk with your hubby, its his family so of course he is more comfortable, but he needs to think about things from your perspective too.
Hi, P.:
I suggest you obtain someone from your area to do a circle dialogue and come up with some guidelines for behavior in your home.
Call the Good Shepherd Mediation program in Philly and
see if they have anyone to run one for you.
Good luck.
D.
Triplet mom said it the best. Get everyone out of the house a.s.a.p.
My mother always said, no strangers/or other family members except your immediate own should be allowed to stay past their visitation. It destroys family relations. Keep that in mind.Good luck...
You and your husband need to have a serious talk about boundaries for your in-laws. It is not okay for your sister-in-law to be doing this. He should be a lot angrier about this than he is. Since your sister-in-law has her own bedroom, there is no need for her to come into your room AT ALL. Not only did she use your bedroom, she didn't bother to clean up after herself and leave it the way it was before, and then she lies about it (her story sounds fishy to me, too).
We live with my parents, and it is difficult, but what helps is having our own space. We live in the upstairs attic room with our own bathroom, and the kids have their own room downstairs. My parents have rarely come up to our room, and we never go into their room. We talk to each other in the dining room, living room, etc. This is why we are able to live in the same house, because we have those boundaries. The idea of getting a lock for your bedroom door is nice, but you also have to talk to your husband and agree on rules and boundaries for your SIL (or anyone else in your husband's family). Your SIL shouldn't be using your house as a place to party while you're gone. She is an adult (yes, when she is college-age she is capable of acting like an adult) and if she wants to use your house this way, she needs to find her own place to live. It sounds like your husband is willing to defend his family and let them do whatever they want...so it might be difficult to get him to see things differently, but you need to have this talk in order to keep your sanity. Good luck!
Wow, can you say DISRESPECTFUL??
If your husband's family is this disrespectful of your personal space, especially after allowing them to home with you, no wonder your husband does not recognize it.
This is a classic example of the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Put a lock on your bedroom door. Period. Your SIL is a big, fat liar. That is one totally unbelievable story. And your husband doesn't want to cause a scene. I think your husband has regressed to keeping his mom and sister happy. So you will have to come up with a clear idea of what you are willing to accept in your home and just do it without his input. Because his input thus far is to keep the peace and not to confront.
GL!!
Your SIL got drunk and likely had sex with someone in YOUR bed - and then left the mess for you to find???? Ugh! Gross and way over the line. BTW, I don't think I'd feel comfortable not being there when random (and probably drunk?) people are in my house and helping themselves to God knows what (jewelry, personal items?) Don't have a solution except you need to get your husband on board with getting everyone out of the house. Is there a reason why your MIL and SIL couldn't pool their resources and share an apartment?
