Mother/adult Daughter - Reston,VA

As an adult whose sister just sent her money as an early Christmas gift (ac broke while I was broke) - I say gift it to her.

Twice in two years to ask for help is not bad at all. I have gifted money to my sister, an occasional friend, a neighbor, when they are in need. I don't mind helping out when I can and I find, for me, if I gift it, there is never any regret on either part.

Besides, blessings come back in other ways and this is what family does for one another.

I think getting her a Dave Ramsay book is a great idea.
Could you offer to help her set up a monthly budget?
Make it clear that this was a GIFT. It needn't be repaid, but it is the last time.
You don't give someone who cannot handle money an endless supply (not that you have) but you need to set some boundaries....
Good luck!

If she's making a sincere effort, and you haven't given her much other money, then wait until she gets her bonus and offers you the money and THEN tell her she can consider it a gift.

If our kids are putting in an honest effort, we don't have to go all militant on them and refuse all assistance.

Maybe you could offer to give her the money in exchange for having her listen to some financial advice from you. That seems like a fair trade.

I think you are correct in telling your daughter to consider the one hundred dollars a gift. It will only get her in a tighter jam if she needs to pay it back. If she gets a bonus on Oct. 5th, that is great! I am sure she can use it. You sound like a warmhearted mom with good instinct.
You are probably also correct about ADD. I have recently gotten to know the struggles of college age students who were not previously diagnosed. Once the ADD is diagnosed and taken it all comes together for them.
You are her mom and know her patterns best. I hope you will offer some assistance to your daughter so she can get her life put together.It would be a great gift. Tread carefully, I would mention the book before popping it in the mail!
Best Wishes to you & your daughter!

Because she has only asked for a loan one other time I'd also have loaned her the money. And I'd send her a book that addresses only the basics. I'm not familiar with Ramsey's book but from his media presentations I wonder if his book would be overwhelming. I'd take a look at it first.

I've loaned money to my 30+ daughter many times and as long as she pays me back I'll continue to do so. It's really none of my business how she handles her money but it is my business to be paid back when I expect that. I do some times give her money when I don't expect to be paid back because I think she's doing well with her money.

I would tell her that I know it's none of my business but would like to help her learn about how to better manage her money if she'd like the help. I would wait to bring the subject up until well after she pays you back. You don't want her to be on the defensive.

I think what you said, is just the right thing. And if you listen to Dave, lots of times he says to just make it a gift, if that is what you want to do. He says if you don't, Thanksgiving dinner just doesn't taste the same. So true!! It doesn't sound like your daughter is asking too much, and not using you in any way, like every month. I'd consider it just helping her out, but I'd make sure you tell her that you are proud of her for stepping up and only asking you when she is in a real bind.

When she goes to pay you back, then tell her it is a gift. It sounds like she
is doing well. Twice in two years, I guess is not bad for someone who has
a difficult time with money. Just encourage her to keep to a budget.

Send her the David Ramsey book and tell her that the $100 she owed you should go in one of the envelopes he talks about. (Don't mention that you know she's "in a bind this month". She is probably in a bind every month because she doesn't manage her finances.) I haven't read his book, but I've read plenty about it on this site, and I remember this from what I have read here.

Tell her that you hope she will "turn over a new leaf" and try to adhere to his principles. Tell her that you think it will make her a happier person.

You've done pretty good, mom. You are trying not to enable her sticking her head in the sand. Once in a while a gift is nice - I would not lend her money and I wouldn't give her what she asks for every time she asks.

Some people don't ever "grow up" as far as finances go, and some people grow up later. Hopefully she will thank you one day for making her learn the lesson to stand on her own two feet by not propping her up.

Dawn

the dave ramsey gift is a nice idea.

$100 really isn't anything. so at least it wasn't more she was asking for.

in the meantime i would consider it a gift in your own head - if she pays it back, great. if not, no big deal. you wouldn't loan her money that you needed, right? if you can do without it, consider it a gift and move on. don't tell her that (she SHOULD pay it back after all) just a little secret you keep.

and next time, tell her no. in fact tell her this is the last time, now. "only" twice in two years is twice too many. unfortunately mom you're right when you say you have to let go. my husband and i went through some rocky periods at first and he asked his mom for money a couple times - i HATED it. it felt so wrong. give her the dave ramsey book (heck sign her up for a class if you can, that would be even better - consider it her christmas gift). TEACH her how to deal with money. i wish my mom had. but luckily we found the dave ramsey financial peace university class and are doing much better. you can't help her by giving her money. you can help her by helping her learn how to deal with HER money better.

honestly, if it was only $100 she was short, and she came running to you, think about it. $100 is just not that much. she couldn't have cut back on groceries, or spending money, for a couple of weeks, to make up for it? she needs to learn how to control her money before the next time she comes to you she's short $1000. it's scary that she came to you over only $100, in a way, you know?

I think that you should "lend" it to her and let her think that you are expecting it back. Don't carry both sides of the relationship/conversation. Even if you know what she's going to say, SHE needs to say it. Otherwise, you're enabling her. She needs to feel some sense of responsibility for this money. When October 5 comes, she'll either pay it back or tell you that she doesn't have it. That will be your door to discuss her finances. Ask her if she will let you help her get on track.

When it comes to lending money to family members, I believe strongly that you should give it (if you can) without expectation of repayment. If she does, great. If she doesn't, that has to be OK as well. I would not, however, give her money again. If you continue to do so, she will never learn how to manage her finances.

We went through this with my BIL. He was in him mid-30's and living with us to save money while in school. He overspent on his credit card and asked to borrow money from us to pay it off. I wrote the check directly to the credit card company and let him know that he could pay us back if/when he was able, but this was the last time we would bail him out financially (my husband had been doing so for many years). He never paid us back, but he also never asked again. He's still terrible with money, but it is no longer our concern!

This is going to be tough b/c she is probably going to be resistant to change (as we all are) so you are going to have to walk the fine line of being supportive but insistent yet not confrontational. A hard line to walk indeed. That said, she clearly needs help and advice. I would offer for her not to pay you back but for her to spend that money on Dave Ramsey's info. Offer to walk with her through the program and to work through her finances/make a budget with her. Promise not to judge. Refer her to websites such as www.moneysavingmom.com for advice/support/to see how people live debt free. She has to BELIEVE that she does not have to live in debt forever. A lot of people have the mindset of "I will always be in debt so why not buy X" or "Life is short so why not buy X" but that all leads to a life of stress which she is living now. I know that was my mindset in my 20's then, nearing 30, I thought "this stinks!" It took me 4 years of living TIGHT to pay off my debts, not including student loans. Got married and hubby and I took another 6 years to pay off those, his debts (not a lot) and our mortgage. It can be done and it's a wonderful feeling. All that said, be proud that she has only asked you for $ twice - that's a pretty good track record. Although living off of a guy, not a good idea. She needs to be on solid ground by herself in case things don't work out with the Mr. Talk to her and then talk to her again - it's probably going to take many, many conversations.

First, I would not let her pay me back. If this is only the second time she's asked for help you are VERY lucky! If she sends you the money, either cash and send it back or if it's a personal check, just don't cash it.

You can get her all the books you want, but I doubt she's going to read them. You can offer some guidance, but again doubt she uses the info. At this point, she just needs to figure it out for herself. She will, sooner or later. The only question is how much of a mess she's going to make in the meantime. Her credit can't be that bad if she got a car on payments.

There is no way of knowing at this point if she is starting to get on the right track or starting to see you as a way out whenever she gets in a bind. Give her the book and tell her you'd like to discuss it with her. Let her know that the $100 can be a gift if she comes up with a plan for how she is going to pay her bills from here on out. That's really the most important thing right now - that she takes time to look at her financial situation and makes a plan.

Hi, A.:

There is a deeper problem than money. It is her problem. You can not help anyone but yourself.
Letting go and letting children make their own mistakes is the second toughest problem in life besides having a meaningful relationship with a spouse.
Just say "No."

Good luck.
D.

Children should not have to pay their parents Back, in my opinion. I mean, within reason. It's only a $100. Just let it go.