Moms of Singletons

I only have 1 child. He is 14 now and I don't know how people do it with more than one. I have a friend who has two kids and said to me, "I think I was meant to be a 'one kid' mom." I think there are just some people out there who are 'one kid' moms. I love my son to death and can't imagine my life without him, but I am definitely one of them.

Hi Carrie! I only have one and love it that way! I have a step son but he's all grown up now and though I have had my bouts of "baby fever" it passes and I am perfectly happy with only one.

Carrie,
I hope we can correspond -- I am totally on the same page with you....although I am past menopause now and people still bug me (hello??)! I've got lots of stories to share, however, I am getting on a plane in the morning for an extended vacation but I plan to write you again when I get settled (and have wireless set up).
Bear with me -- I have a few stories (maybe some comebacks, but people usually are too dense to "get it" LOL).
P.

Why is it that the minute you get married.....you get hounded with "so when are you going to have a baby?" Then as soon as you have a baby...."so when are you having the S. one?" My husband and I were married for 7 years before we had our son and we've been kicking around the idea of just having one for quite a while.....my son will be 4 in July.

I know...I know you hear all the things about....he will be lonely...think of the connction you have with your siblings...you need to have a little girl?!?!?! Ha! Like I get to decide what the next one would be. I have been getting the when are having the S. for four years now and even had a cousin go so far as to say....you better hurry because you are getting up there (I am 31 - and she had her kids at 21) I worry about the little time I have with my son being split up between him & a sibling.

Don't get me wrong...my husband and I are currently trying for our S. one and if it happens fine and if not then fine. I am perfectly content with just having one but worry that its not the best for my son or what if I wake up one day (when I can't have another) and regret it. I've left it in God's hands at this point....he knows if I can handle another one or if I am ready.

This a sore subject with me because who laid down these guidelines.....why do are moms made to feel selfish if they only want one child. Why can't other people respect that I want to enjoy my son and the time we have together. I don't want to have try and juggle so much. Moms today have to work full-time...and most of our parents are still having to work so we end up having to put our kids in daycare. The daycare sees more of my kid then I do so.....why not add another to the mix just so we feel like more of failure as moms and completely overwhelmed.

You decide what is best for you and your family. I would tell people that you are only having one. That's what I have done for 4 years. Eventually, the word gets around and people stop asking. We as women and mothers have enough pressures in life that we don't need to feel like we are not living up to someone else's expectations. You could be like me and in a couple of years think (still not sure) you're ready for a S. and if you don't then so what. There are alot of one kid families. A great line for those well-meaning family & friends.....I am too busy enjoying the first one to think about a S. one right now.

Like everyone else said, this is you and your husband's decision!! No one else's.
I have two points I'd like to add to this discussion:
1) There are alot of negative myths about only children but there are also alot of beneficial traits of only children -- one example is they are a high percentage of high achieving adults - such as CEOs. I think how the child is raised (read parenting) has a lot more to do with how the person develops than the fact that they are an only. There are children with siblings who exhibit the negative traits attibuted to only children too.
2) A lot of people have mentioned how they are so close with their siblings and don't want their children to miss out on that and I would love to have a great relationship with siblings if I had siblings. BUT, I have a lot of friends who are NOT close with their siblings and that is a reality too. You can't guarantee that siblings will be close and loving all their lives.
Just my $.02...
I'm a mom of one who will likely remain an only and I was an only too.

I also only have one child. I had always thought I would have more than one, but we didn't feel financially stable enough and then I started taking night classes when my daughter was 5, so that kept me very busy as well.

Then about 3 years ago I seperated and got divorced from my husband after being together for 13 years. Because of the way we parted and how my daughter took it (she was 9), I was extremely glad I only had one child to try to help through the difficult time.

Almost 2 years ago I met my soulmate and will be getting remarried in Sept. From the start we both wanted to have children together, but as time goes on, I'm realizing that it just isn't going to be a good idea. He got a vasectomy about 3 years ago that we would have to reverse, plus we aren't financially stable enough to afford a baby, and I'm still taking classes to get my BS degree, so by the time we are ready, I'm going to be in my 40s and not be able to keep up with a baby again.

At first I was really depressed about our decision to not have any children, because I just always felt that I should have at least 2 or more, but I've come to realize that it just makes so much more sense to not have any more. Call it being selfish, but this way as we get older, we'll be able to do more of what we want to do instead of being tied down to finding a babysitter, etc. My new husband and I can focus more on each other and maybe have a more meaningful relationship than I did with my ex.

I know it's hard when friends and family keep harping about when you will have another one, but just explain your feelings to those who matter and let it be known that that is just how you feel. As time goes on, they will get tired of asking and hearing the same answer.

I'm a single mom so my situation is different but I always ask myself, "how do people have more than 1 child?" It's just so exhausting and time consuming...which is totally worth it of course but I still value my "Mommy" time...and SLEEP :)...I have a 14 month old son who is more than a handful for me! I would not feel guilty for feeling that way.

Hi Carrie,

As far judgmental attitudes, they're everywhere. It never ceases to amaze me how people assume the right to assess and advise you. I saw a mother with two darling children in the grocery store. People were talking with her and her children adoringly... until she pulled out food stamps. Suddenly, people were looking into her cart and assessing her purchases. All we can do is hope to raise our own children to be more genuinely caring and courteous. But you have to begin by respecting yourself as well as respecting the well-meaning concern of friends and family.

Let's face it, there are many beliefs about family dynamics. Friends and family memebers often feel it is important to express their beliefs. Some may have controlling attitudes about decisions that are your responsibility to make. What might be really helpful is to find a way to invite the discussion to happen on your terms. That way, you can get the issue discussed and take the pressure off. You might consider telling each person that you and your husband are giving thought to whether or not you will try for more children and that you would like to hear their considered ideas on the subject because you want to make this decision carefully (or even prayerfully). You can ask them to think it over and sleep on it, to think about what they have observed from their own lives and the experiences of people they know, and to then bring you their considered thoughts so that you and your husband may add that information to the process of making a decision. It is usually best to use words like 'considered thought', 'ideas', 'observations', and 'experiences'. I would avoid asking for 'advice'. It is also important to thank them for their help in 'informing' your awareness with genuine appreciation, but to not make the mistake of giving them the impression that they are helping to 'make the decision' or to make the decision for you. When I thank people for offering 'food for thought', I tell them that it will certainly help us as 'we make our decision'. It just helps to verbalize clear boundaries. Confidence and courtesy are highly effective in letting people know where their nose does not belong.

I truly feel that people who don't want more children are doing their children a great favor by not having them. I say this with utmost respect. If you do not respect your own instincts, you will likely make a decision you will regret. I had a mother who regretted having me. That is a cuel thing to do to a child. So, please don't cave to outside pressure. Make your decisions based in love and a joy for life.

As it turned out, my husband and I were only able to have one child. I can certainly appreciate the attraction to not having one's attention divided. With all the struggles we had along the way, caring for elderly parents, etc., it sure seemed like a blessing that we had our one-and-only precious little boy. But I also have to admit that it looks a bit different to me now that he is an adult. I see several benefits he has enjoyed as an only child and I truly appreciate that he will not suffer what I have suffered from my siblings, but since you are still in a position to give this decision some thought, it is only fair that you consider some of what I see as a loss.

There are things a child learns in the home where there are other children. They are more accepting of themselves as children and are more likely to make friends with other children more easily if they have a sibling. Being the only child in a home is like being the only new kid in the class all the time. Parents are experienced at life. They have comparative confidence and compitence. When a child sees a sibling that is still learning how to tie shoes or still does clumsy things at the dinner table, they understand that this is just the way kids are. It helps them to accept their own level of maturity because they will compare themselves with a sibling rather than with their parents. Singletons tend to be more impatient with themselves as they grown older.

In a single child family, that child almost never has to split the last piece of anything. When they decide to try hitting as a problem solving technique, they don't get hit back by a peer. They don't have to learn how to share a bedroom or share mom and dad's attention. They just don't have much opportunity to learn the unity of being one of a group in an intimate family setting. They tend to be more likely to not do as well in team sports and activities. They also tend to prefer the company of adults to being with their peers. Their language skills often seem very grown-up, but this does not help them to develop peer relationships. It does, however, often impress adults, so they perceive that they are more successful when communicating with adults.

We made sure he spent time with other children and cousins. He did develop close bonds with them. It helped him a lot that he had a dog that he cared for. He did develop into a sensitive and caring young man that is particularly insightful. But, he still struggles a bit to overcome the natural selfishness that is so common in singletons, on the one hand, while also struggling to learn how to set his own boundaries as he develops social relationships. I realize this is something all young adults struggle with to some degree. Singletons just have less opportunity to hone these skills on a more foundational level.

As a mother, you already know that there are things you have learned by becoming a mother which you could not have learned any other way. You are informed and empowered by the role you play in that relationshp and what that relationship demands of you. The same is true about what we learn by being a sister. There just isn't any other way to learn that.

Keep in mind that I don't believe eveyone is meant to be a parent or meant to be a sibling. I just feel that it is only fair that you get to consider all this up front. I didn't realize all this until my son was nearly grown.

One other consideration may be more uncomfortable than any mentioned so far. Singletons very rarely take as many risks as children with siblings. They do not tend to become policemen or firemen. All children should be prized and cherished, but there is an extra cautiousness that is picked up by singletons because there is an unspoken but constant awareness that if a parent looses their only child, they have lost everything. I have known parents who lost a child. I won't go into details, but the dynamics are entirely different if there were other children.

Being aware of all this, we have made efforts to create balance. Our son is reasonably cautious, but has chosen a relatively risky career. I have learned to be detached and encouraging in this regard. It isn't his fault I have only one child. His life is his and I deeply respect that. Just keep in mind that it is more difficult for a mom to respect that when she has invested so much into just one child and he represents her only hope for grandchildren.

Best wishes to you and your precious family, however many of you there are!

I also have one child and plan to keep it that way, probably for many of the same reasons as you. I was an only child and really enjoyed it so I know that it can be a great experience. If you are an only you don't miss having brothers and sisters because you don't know any different! I don't think you need to explain yourselves but when people ask we always just say that we want to devote our parenting to Kaelee.

I'm an older mom who was an only child that thought I we didn't even want children. I love my daughter and couldn't be happier that we decided to take the leap into parenthood. My husband and I both agree that if we did have anymore children we would stop at two and if we do have a S. I feel very strongly about adopting.

In no way do I think it's strange in the times in which we currently live to only have one child, especially if you want your children to have college educations and lots of the advantages (dance classes and things that were fairly affordable and common once upon a time) that we had as children.

Reasons for having only one child.
1. If something gets broke, you always know who did it.
2. You always have one hand free for other things.
3. When you get old, your child can't try to pawn you off on a sibling. They are stuck with you.
4. You don't have to worry about always being fair to all the kids.
5. No fighting over the inheritance when you die.

I am the mother of an adult only and not by choice. But I now know that the good Lord knew better than I how many children I needed. When my daughter was about 4 y/o my sister asked when we were going to have another. She was childless and I just looked at her and responded, "We will have #2 after you have one." My sister is 48 y/o and never did have one, by choice.

I commend your decision to only have one. I love kids but the world population does not need to be increased. You should not have to explain your decision to nosy busybodies. Enjoy your child.
K. S.

My situation is somewhat different as I was 34 when I had my son and separated from my husband when he was 3 months old. I am now divorced and my son is 19 months old. I never really new if I even wanted children at all but low and behold god found a way to bless me with the most wonderful gift. Now, a "little older" and a single mom, I must get comfortable with the idea that I will most likely only have one child and ya know what, I am Ok with that. I too work fulltime and it is really hard $$\time etc..so I can relate probably to many of your reasons. It really doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, the only thing that matters is what you and your husband are comfortable with.

My son is 2 1/2 and I think that we have been telling people we are done for long enough that we don't get the "when are you having another one" comment anymore. But I still get "really?" or "are you sure?" a lot.

I have given up on trying to explain WHY to people. They just don't understand. So, my best response now is to smile and tell them "Our family just feels complete." Surprisingly enough, that seems to be the explanation most people will accept without question.

In addition to being an only child, my son has no cousins in the area. So, I've been thinking a lot about how to build a community and support network for him. My husband and I are not religious, so we've been strongly considering attending a UU church and starting a Camp Fire Family Club to get that.

I guess I'd be interested to hear from other parents of only kids how they build those caring connections for their child in the absence of siblings and cousins!

There is nothing wrong with having only one. Your son's life and perception of the world will be much different than it would if he had siblings. As a mother of four and guardian of one more I sometimes think how incredibly easy it would have been to have just one! I can't even imagine! I know several people who have one child, and probably for the same reasons you have. The most important thing is for a child to grow up in a loving home with devoted parents. Beyond that, it doesn't really matter if you're rich or poor, have one kid or 10!

Carrie,

I'm in the same position. My husband and I decided to have one child. Our daughter is now four and we could not be happier. My husband comes from a large family, so we get the "when are you going to have another one" question a lot. Also well meaning coworkers and complete strangers seem to think that they have the right to know our family plans as well. My answer is always - How could I improve on perfection?

My first pregnancy was very straight forward with no complications, our daughter is healthy, bright and a joy to be with. How could I expect things to work out as perfectly a S. time around. Besides now that I'm over 40 the risks to both a baby and my health are just not worth it to us. By the way my OB is totally on board with the stick to one baby idea for me. He doesn't think I could have a S. child with out major complications.

So, my advice is don't try to explain your reasons. Just say - we are incredibly happy with our family just the way it is. The End

Best Wishes,

J. N.

Carrie:

We have a beautiful three year old son, and most likely he will be an only child....and there is nothing wrong with that. I hear all the comments, as well...."when are you going to have another one", or "it's not fair to just have one" (I think it is more than fair). I love kids however, we started late (I am 41) and I don't see another in the cards for us. It is expensive to have children, and some people just keep popping them out (so to speak), without thinking that they will have to have three jobs to support the children...which means, they will never be home to spend time with them (that, is not fair). As long as your son has lots of friends, family and social outlets...you all will be just fine :-).

A.

Carrie - OK, YOU are not alone. My husband JR and I would not have another one even if we had money - which we don't so no matter. First, we are older, I am 37 and JR is 47. Louie, our beautiful Son is 2 y/o. (hard to believe), but we didn't even want one. When we met I was amazed to find a man in his 40's w/ no children and he was the same...he was amazed at a woman in her 30's with none. It was a perfect match. I had told him of 2 bad miscarriages in my early 20's and that it was OK with me that God just didn't want me to have any. I rescue and LOVE DOGS...so JR and I were happy with Dogs. Well, I got pregnant on the pill. You can imagine the shock. I was kinda MAD at first and then had a horrible experience being pregnant. I was sick 24/7. I was high risk with the miscarriages, being 35 and having epilepsy. They took Louie in an emergency c-section at 32 weeks. He weighed 3 pounds. BUT NOW he is fine. He is so beautiful and precious and I am so glad it happened - JR is too. Heck, the whole family is in LOVE with Louie. We tell everyone who asks or trys to encourage us to have another one that we have decided to stop with "PERFECTION" - & the word PERFECTION works because you can't get any better than that. He is plenty, plenty and I love being a MOM and JR LOVES being a DAD, but ONE is enough. JR also had a vesectomy, so now the story to those who think it would be best for us to have another child is - WELL, too late, JR is already fixed. :) :) and we have perfection. We could not be any happyier. I know what you saying about "I don't want to affend other Mom's with lots of kids" But honestly, I know that Louie's personality and the best friend LOVE that the 3 of us have together, well, another child would take away the direct attention from Louie. We spoil him, but not to the point where he is a brat. He is the best, most gentle spirited little boy and I do get afraid that a sibling would disrupt this wonderful behavior. We have 4 dogs and they Love Louie. I have 6 boys and we all get along. So why fix something that is not broken? In addition, they are expensive !!! We would not be able to do it. We don't get help from family members (we don't have many anyway). It is not my Mom's responsibility to pay for daycare and we know that. BUT Louie is expensive. College? We have a fund started NOW. My feelings were always hurt that my parents did not pay for my college and now I have a huge student loan. I was disciplined enough to get my degree in Chemistry and I felt like my parents should have helped. They didn't despite how much they love me. My loan is in default and has been for a while. I am trying to pay it a month at a time, but it will never get paid off with so much interest. My feelings are still hurt. I will NOT LET LOUIE go thru this !!! His education WILL BE PAID FOR. He will have enough stress getting the degree and I do not want my Son to be deterred by a student loan..& on that note, in closing, We could never afford putting MORE THAN ONE PEFRECT child through college. As long as YOU and your HUSBAND agree, then it is no body else's buiz. GOD BLESS and Have fun with YOUR PERFECT "ONE"

We were the parents of an "only" for almost 6 years (now have a daughter who is 7 mths old)...Don't ever feel that you need to explain YOUR family to others! When we got pregnant with our 2nd, which was OUR CHOICE after 6 years, we heard from people "now your family will be complete". I spent a lot of time explaining that our family was complete when it was just my husband and I, and complete with only one child, and is no complete with 2...It was important to me to defend our ONE child because I want him to know that we didn't have to have another child to make our lives complete and that families come in all shapes and sizes. Stay strong - what is important is how you and your husband and your son build YOUR perfect family!

I am leaning towards only having one and being quite okay with it. I enjoy being able to focus just on my daughter and give her all the love and attention she deserves. Especially right now, as I am a single mom and there is alot to think about because of that element. But also there is the fact that she doesn't get the love and attention from her father at all, he doesn't really exist in her world, although he does to an extent in her thoughts. She has never met him. So in regards to her, she only gets that from one parent and deserves all that I can give her.

Even if I should get married, I think I still just want to have the one child. Maybe I will change my mind later, but I don't thinks so. She has 4 cousins (in one family) so she gets the opportunity to spend quality time within the large family atmosphere. Also she has 2 half-sisters in another state, that when she is older if she wants to look for them, I will support that decision and help her find them. Until then, it is just us.

I am a mother of two, but to be honest I thought I would have four and when my 1st one reached 4 years old, I decided he was to be the only one, for many reasons (probable alot of the same ones you won't mention) & for financial reasons. I suppose God decided my life was too dull because out of the blue I turned up pregnant before I could have any permanent birth control procedures. I love my S. son of course, but had truly decided one was good enough for me. Whatever your reasons are as long you are happy that is all that matters. I know alot of people that only have one child (as well as many that have 4 or more)and I hear other people pressuring them into having more & I don't like it. Your choice in children is your choice. I wouldn't tell somebody with 4, 6, 7 etc. kids they shouldn't have had that many, so why should they tell you to have more. When people approach you about it tell them your one child fills your home with more love than you could ever need. Dear Abby used to be good at publishing people's stories about how they fended off the nosy friends/relatives in situations like this. Overall it's really none anyone's business. People tend to forget these are personal issues & just like they shouldn't ask about your income, they should leave this alone as well. I know I have two kids, but I just wanted to let you know I support you singletons 100%

Hi
You are not alone.
I'm a mom of a singleton and planning to keep it that way. We have a wonderful 4 1/2 year old daughter (the 1/2 is very important to her!!!). I have no desire to have another child. We have many reasons too...

Hi, Carrie:

My husband and I only have one child (who, by the way, was an only grandchild on both sides for 7 years) and are doing all we can to keep it that way. When our parents would say they were ready for more grandchildren we would kindly tell them that they have 3 (or 4) other children and that we did not want any more. After probably about 3 or 4 years, they finally let up. Just tell your friends and family that you love your son very much, that you wouldn't trade him, but that one is plenty for you.
You're not alone but don't let others make you feel badly for your decision.

We have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. She is the little girl that I always knew I wanted. I often thought I'd be open to another, however I certainly don't need to and probably won't have any more.
She is very active with school, dance classes, birthday parties and play time with friends. I can not imagine having another child with all of their activities. (and expenses to go along)
Plus there are only so many hours in a day/week. I often wonder if parents of multiples feel that they don't spend enough time with each child. I once heard that most parents only have 15 minutes a day to spend with each child. That just sounded horrible. My daughter is lucky. She has lots of mommy time and daddy time as well as grandparents time.

If going anywhere like amusement parks, circus etc. We try to invite a friend for her. We've talked about inviting a friend or cousin along for future vacations.

I don't worry about others asking about another child. I just say that I don't need to have anymore and that We are very happy with our family. It's Mom, Dad, Sarah, grandma and the beagle in our house.
T. H
Raytown, MO

Carrie

My husband and I have one little one right now and we may just have one. I tell people who ask when we are having another one that right now we are blessed with our son and are not talking about having another one. I had a horrible pregnancy and delivery so I am not in a hurry to have another also the expense is there for us too. I guess I would just tell people that are really bugging you about another baby say that you are a family of three and want to be the best mom of you little one. Hope that helps. M.

We have just one, a beautiful daughter whom we adopted when she was 7 days old. She's 13 now. My husband and I were 38 at the time. She was an excellent baby, slept through the night, didn't cry a lot. Due to the expense of adoption, our desire to be able to afford the extras we wanted for her and our concern that a S. child might not be as easy and wonderful as the first, we stuck to just one. We both work so she's been in some sort of childcare situation during the day since she was 6 weeks old -- home daycare, then Montessori preschool, then Montessori elementary and middle school. From the beginning she was a very social child. She is very close to her friends and we may spend more time than other families in helping her get to see them (since many of them don't live nearby).

We also look at taking a friend with her when we vacation, something I thought was the height of decadence when a neighborhood only child got to do that when I was growing up. Now I understand why.

I wouldn't worry about being a mom of just one. It's not uncommon at all and it helps the Earth which is suffering from too many humans.

My daughter is 12 years old and has been an only child the entire time. We were planning on keeping it that way, honestly, for a number of very good reasons. Fate intervened, and now at the age of 37 years old I find myself pregnant again, against my wishes. My husband and I are both very opposed to the idea of terminating the pregnancy, despite the unplanned and undesireableness of it all. We are dedicated to dealing lovingly with the hand that fate has dealt us. It's a real curve-ball, to be sure. I've only got about 8 weeks left of being the singleton's mom.

As a mother of two and hopefully more, I just wanted to say that no matter what size your family is, I think it usually feels right. Don't let the comments get to you, some people need to mind their own business and some people just don't have anything else to say. There are a lot of things about having one that I am jealous of... and I'm sure there are reasons you sometimes wish you had more. I just wanted to say no us against them, I'm glad you know you're happy with your family.

K.

I have two girls, because my husband wanted more than one; however, I would have been happy with one child. So if you both are good with that decision, stick to it. I knew I could not handle more than my two, but when my hubbie got his vasectomy, I was still depressed for a few months, now I am fine. My hubbie would have had 10 children, we compromised on 2. If we decide we want more later, we can always adopt. There are plenty of children who need a good loving home. Do what is best for you and your family.

Your'e not alone with people asking rude questions. I'm the opposite in that I have 4 daughters and if my husband was on board I'd be happy to have more. When we were pregnant with our 4th I couldn't believe how often people asked me if I knew about birth control! I had people say some of the rudest things and they were often complete strangers. I was in a doctors office one day and some woman said something to the effect of didn't I think I had enough kids?. She looked at me evil eyed and practically snarled as she said it.

Honestly, I think asking if you will have more is not rude at all. It's the most normal thing in the world to have multiple children, at least two. I'm not knocking the desire to have one child. I'm sure your reasons are just as valid as mine are for what we have done. I'm just saying that it's more normal for people to have more than one and no one would think they were being rude for asking when you were thinking of doing it again. It becomes rude when they try and convince you that having one is wrong! That would be incredibly rude. I can think of at least 10 good reasons to have more than one. But I sure as heck wouldn't share that with someone unless they brought it up or asked my opinion.

Ah well.. I guess I'm out of this discussion really. I'm 41 and turning 42 in October. The years are marching by awfully fast. But I'd sure like to know why we still have to have our monthlies so long after it's really safe to have kids! LOL

Suzi

Hello,

Let me start out by saying I have 3 children 9 7 and 4. I am also 31 and finally at that point in my life where I really do not want another child. I do not see a thing wrong with you and your husband only have 1 child if that is what you feel is best for your family. There are a lof of people that only have 1 child. The only problem I see with only having 1 child, and it is not a life threating problem, is that siblings form a certain bond. When you have a sibling you tend to learn how to adapt to another person, you have someone to share things with and someone that will protect you. I see that in my 3 all the time. When my middle daughter is upset with me, like she was this morning, she goes to her older sister for comfort. I have a few friends and have known people that were only children growing up, they were a little strange when we were kids and teens but now they are very successful happy adults. Bottom line is it is you and your husbands choice. When people ask you about having another child just tell them you guys really want to have just one child. I mean your child is only 21 months old, what do they want you to pop another one out right away? Hang in there, be true to what you want!
Goodluck
N.

Carrie,
I am a mother of only one child and my daughter is 5 years old! Every day people ask when I am going to have another. All of my family friends have atleast two. My best friend has 3, ages 2,3, &5! Since I have had my daughter I have never had the urge to have another. And seeing my friends with all these little kids doesn't make me want another either! There are so opportunities I have given my daughter because she is an only child. And my family is super close. While alot of my friends want to get babysitters and get away for a while my husband and I hate leaving our daughter and she goes every where with us. I am not knocking families with multiplies though, they can offer their family things that I can't but it is a matter of preference.
I have not decided if I should have more or not. Right now I am happy. I had my daughter when I was 21 so if I want more there is still time. People always seem to think that you have to have your kids close together and I don't understand why. I think it will be easier on my family if I have them 8,9, even 10 years apart. I think having another when my daughter is old enough to enjoy a baby sibling will make our family close.
Do whatever is right for your family not for everyone else!

We only have one, a 10-year old daughter, and we intend on keeping it that way. We love having only one - for many of the same reasons listed above ($/time/opportunities we can provide/not having to rush around quite as much).

As with all things personal (marriage/career choices/ education), some people will think that your current state/choice is their business: it's not. Don't feel that you owe anybody a reason for why you've decided not to have another child. You've obviously thought this out and have made a decision.

If you don't feel you can just ignore the inquiry, you're going to have to come up with a "standard answer." We usually just use, "When we decide we want another one." At that point, we move the conversation on to another topic and the person really has no choice but to move on with us.

My background, I was an only child for 15 years before the birth of my sister. No problems as far as I can tell you. The important thing is that you have a circle of play friends for your child, and daycare/school basically takes care of that.

My husband & I adopted at a later age, so we will only be having one also. We had the opportunity to adopt the 1/2 sib of our daughter, but we are too old to do this again. I have no qualms about our decision. Fortunately, my sis lives on my block with her daughter who is 13 months older than my girl. My niece will be my daughters faux sister. I can tell already that they are going to be close. They are both fascinated with each other.

Just remember that some of the most hightly successful people in the US are onlies. There's a reason for that...lots of attention, extra money to afford them better educations (plus other things) and parents who are not multi-child weary being pulled at all ends.

It's your life. Live it the way you feel is right for you.

Hi Carrie,

You sure did get a lot of responses! I thought I would share my story with you...Both my husband and I are only children and we only have one child. For us, it is what we know and what we are comfortable with. Our son turned 3 years old this year and he is the center of our universe. We never had a set number of children in mind when we got married, however, once we had our son, one just felt right.
Family and friends ask all the time when we will be having another, I usually just smile and say, "how could we have another perfect child?" :)
Glad to hear that there are others with only one too!

My husband and I have only one right now and I am torn if I want another...I had a rough time with delivery with her and my age right nowI would be close to 60 when this one finishes college...My weight right now would also be a factor because I could not lose the weight I gained with my precious daughter. I love her to death and I have been asked by my MIL when the next one is coming and I don't think I could make it through another one. I keep telling my husband she is going to be the one because he does joke about having another one and I tell him we can't afford anther one.

HI Carrie,
You are not the only one out here.
I have a little boy who just turned 4 yesterday.
He is and will be the only one.
When people use to ask those dreaded questions,
my husband and I would first respond: "can we just enjoy the one we have first?" then our S. response became: "If you really must know",---because to be honest, it really is no one's business, but everyone thinks it is: we would say, "he is going to be the only one." IF they would ask why?" We would say, "You know what, that is really a personal decision and choice and none of your concern, and/or we just really love him and that is enough for us." People will still try to convince you otherwise, but you just keep being consistent and start ignoring their responses and keep changing the subject. Eventually they will get the hint. I will warn you, though, even after they get the hint. Somewhere down the road they will bring it up again. My girlfriends just sent me another note, because of my son just turning four and again I just had to remind them that all my love is filled just for my son and I am completely satisfied. Plus, we just bought our son a dog today, so he has his little buddy and life is great. You, your husband, and son are a perfect family. We love being "the three musketeers". Our life is full and wonderful. If you want to continue chatting just buzz me anytime.
Blessings, M. N.

I've not been able to have biological children, however I am a "singleton." (I have 2 "steps.")

I think it is perfectly acceptable to only have one child. These are hard economic times that we're living in. As long as your son has other people w/whom he can interact, I'm sure he'll do fine. Besides, our world is over populated anyway. There is a famiy in AR that has 18--some of us have to have fewer kids to counteract this.

K.

If we were not blessed with twins the first time around, we would have had an only child. In fact, before getting started we planned to only have one. There are many, many benefits to being an only child... If everying goes well, your wonderful boy will have a wife and children so don't think you'll leave him alone once you're gone. Enjoy your beautiful family!!!

I'm a mom of one and always thought I'd prefer it that way but now I regret not having had another one. I thought my brother and sister would have at least one kid so my daughter would have cousins but they didn't and so she is virtually alone without brothers and sisters or cousins. I know it sounds strange, but I feel bad for her when she gets older and her extended family is gone. Hopefully she'll have lots of kids herself so she'll at least have some family! I'm 45 so I'm too dang old to do anything about it now.

Hi,

I have a two year old and my husband and I have always just wanted one child. There is nothing wrong with having just one kid. She is happy and healthy and very loved.

Tell people to mind their own business.

S.

It's funny! My parents were each one of six so they only wanted a singleton. As a singleton, I have 3 and now we are trying to adopt siblings. No one knows what to expect. Don't be surprised if you end up with a lot of grandkids.

Good luck,
D.

Oh, Carrie, I think I am with you....I have one 7 month old daughter and I love her, she is the best thing to ever happen to me. But I am pretty sure she is the only child I want. It just seems easier to have one child, and I've done lots of studying into only children. The myth is that they are always spoiled and not well adjusted; the reality is they are often extremely well adjusted, often have very high grades in school, and more advanced social skills. Makes sense to me- our daughter goes wherever we go, and she is already very well behaved in public and around adults ('course we'll see what happens when she gets to be a toddler, wink, wink) I can picture traveling with one child so much easier than thinking about hauling three children every where we go, things like that. Not to mention that as fun as my C-Section was, eh, I could think of more fun things to do than that again, ha ha ha!! You would not believe the pressure I get from others when I say that, though. Everyone launches into thier little soapboxes, and goes on and on about "Only Child Syndrome" and blah, blah, blah. If you are good parent there is no reason for your child to have any problems.....if Lily is lonely than she'll go make some friends!!

Carrie --

I too am a mother of only one child and have full intentions of keeping it that way. I empathize with your predicament; I continually get questions from friends, relatives and even strangers about only having one child. While some of them are honestly curious about my decision, I get the impression from others that something must be wrong with me.
I have found there are multiple ways to handle the situation, depending on who is inquiring. Sometimes I just give a brief answer, simply saying I have decided to only have one child and leave it at that. Other times I go into a litany of why I am have made that decision. Personally, I don't think I have the energy or even patience for more than one child. I also have other goals in mind for my life, particularly professional goals. In addition, I think with one child, my husband and I will be able to give her more of our time, attention, love, and even the material trappings and advantages we face living in the United States. Finally, and this reason always seem to confound people, the world is already overpopulated and I don't feel having one more child for purely personal reasons is the right thing to do as part of the human race.
I often find myself defending these answers and sometimes frustrated at the push by others (sometimes even my husband) to have multiple children. In the long run, however, I remind myself it is a personal choice that needs to be made by each family. For me, my gut tells me one is enough.
So in short, no you are not alone.

I'm a mom of 2, but I just wanted to reply and tell you that you have no reason to give "reasons" why you choose to only have one child. Having children is a personal decision for everyone and some people want a lot and some want only one and some don't want any at all and all of those choices are ok! I'm sure your reasons for sticking to one child are valid, just as a family with more than one has valid reasons. As far as the questions go, I would simply say, "This will more than likely be our only child and we're happy with that decision." People that you are closer to may ask you to share your reasons, and if you're comfortable, then give some of those reasons. If not, I think it would suffice for you to say, "It's a personal decision my husband and I have made together." In the long run, your personal decisions regarding your family don't affect anyone but you, your husband and your son and it's not really anyone else's business!

Hey you are blessed to have even one. My grandaughter is an only child and will be. She is fine and so are the parents.
She may be fortunate to have the attention directed to nust her and if she has real close friends as she grows that will be like having a sister.
Do what your heart tells you if one is enough then so be it.
God bless

I noticed you have a ton of great responses so I will keep this short. I am a mother of 2 and always wanted 2 (of course I wanted a boy and a girl and got 2 boys). When my older son was little, it would make me sick to think of having another one and taking all the attention away from him. I knew I wanted them spaced about 5 years and that is what I did and it worked out fine for me. Now my youngest is 2 and it still makes me sick to think of having another one and the attention would be shifted again. Anyways, if later on you feel you would like to have another one then great. If not, your family will be just as happy and complete as any family with more kids! Good luck!

Carrie - I have 2 children (and people ask me if i'll have more!) But if one is the perfect number for you then you go for it. I have several people who have pointed out that the Bible says we are to go forth and multiply and I point out that I have mulitiplied and that the Bible never says by how many and that each couples quiver is full with a diffrent number. I have a friend that only had one child and there are times that we are with them that I wonder why we didn't stop with one. I love both my girls and 2 was the perfect number for me and my husband (even numbers are good for roller coasters!). I'd just politly tell them that your not planning on more and that your son is perfect and you don't see how you could do any better. Good luck!

First, let me say that I have only one biological son, but not particularly by choice. Now that he's 14, I am glad I only birthed one. I have 5 bonus children. To fend off the "so when are you having another one?" comments, use your dymamic personality (or borrow someone elses, if you don't have the creativity in you) and say things such as, "When this one graduates from college and we can afford to eat again." Or something like, "When Celine Dion stays retired." Or, "When Joan Rivers can crack a smile without the aid of toothpicks and duct tape."
You get the picture.
S., make sure that since you are only raising one child you don't raise a spoiled rotten brat that pouts and throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way, which happens way more than the parents of singletons want to admit. And please don't say that it won't happen to your son because it will if you are not careful.

Hi, Carrie. I was right with you about 3 years ago. My son started asking for a sibling, which got us thinking again about our decision. One of the people that gave me such a hard time about having just one, now only wants one herself. Just stay strong in what you want, and don't let anyone sway you. Only you will know if you decide to have another later. If you don't, your singleton will be just fine. God Bless.

We've got just one. If we had a choice, we would've had 2, but it wasn't in the cards. I've been looking at the bright side. I've got a cool car instead of a mini van. It's easier & cheaper to travel. Eating out is definitely easier. The noise level in the house is not as bad, either!

Hello,
I am a mom of an only. WE are done having children; due to medical reasons. But we get those same responses you get about having more. My son is 3 now. And a complete handful too.

I thought myself that I would only have one child for the longest time i'm 28 yrs now had my son when I was 23 he is so well mannered and behaved he is going on 5 now.Me and my husband got married when our son was 3 after that my feelings changed I wanted to have another baby I wanted a girl really badly that is all I could think about forever and a day.Also the feelings of what is it going to do to my son how will he change for the better or worse I kept asking myself.Well I became pregant and afraid lot's of mixed feelings.But you know what all is good I love her to death my family has changed a lil and that is ok the expenses to me they haven't changed my son has been out of diapers for yrs now it's not so bad.The only thing is what I call the S. child syndrome is that I can't spend equal quality time with them everyday no matter how hard I try but the time I do spend with them is what they remember and they aren't counting they know mom is there and will Alway's LOVE Us.Now for more children i'am afraid the health of my children that can't be controled my main reason for not wanting anymore children would be Autism,Cancer and other's that takes my breath away to think that so many bad thing's can happen to our children.I dwell and dwell on what could happen even my own health.Now for the future I plan on not having anymore children after I turn no later than 31.If you don't want more kid's and that is what your want to stick to then I would get a permanent fix.There is other options not so drastic if you were to change your mind I just wouldn't do this to myself or husband.I'am proud not to go to work everyday and leave my children in the care of other's and work hard just to pay the sitter the money that I just made for my family.I work just as hard as anyother sahm I love to be at home and watch my children bloom that is the greatest gift my husband has given to me.
mama of 2 kidds 41/2 boy 17 month girl

Well I already have two so I guess that leaves me out but I do know several moms like you, so you are not alone! You have to do what is best for you and your family!

A.
www.workathome4dreams.com

everyone has a choice on children or no children also the number of children. Hope not to offend but get over it.

Carrie, I am a mom of two beautiful girls, not by my choice but by God's. But you know I have tons of friends who chose to only have one child and they are happy and really don't get grief from anyone. There is nothing wrong with only having one child. Now a days with fertility issues no one really questions why you only have one child. So when it comes to people asking questions just tell you are happy with one right now and if you choose to have more later on down the road then it will happen, but right now you are a family of three and are thrilled with it. Stay strong, just don't be rude. Have fun with your little boy, sports are expensive now a days which I think you are mentally prepared for that. Have fun!!! Good Luck and God Bless.

Hi Carrie! My husband and I are only children and we have just one child. I have had some times of real sadness for my daughter, for the lack of immediate family. Fortunately I have many cousins, and I've told her she must remember they and their children are there for her. I truly believe that our family has contributed to the preservation of human life on the planet. There is an unsustainable number of us right now. One child per family for three generations (or two, or one) would go a long way toward keeping future generations alive. No offence to families who choose more than one child - this is a voluntary sacrifice. So tell your relatives you're doing your bit to save mankind.

I am a single mom of a 3 year old boy and I LOVE it!!! I didn't plan on being a single mom, but I have always wanted one (and only one) child! I just feel that, for me, I want the individual attention that I can give him. We can plan play dates or go to a park/center anytime we want to play with other kiddos. He loves his Sunday school class, but he and I, he and his Papa, he and his Gramma.....have great fun one-on-one!

i have only one and we are cool with it we did get off bc in dec and are waiting to see what happens but if it happen then we are cool but if it dont then we are totally happy with the 1 and to fend off the when are you going to have another we just say if God chooses so then so be it and another one is do you have to pay for it no we do lol

That still small voice you have inside your heart will confirm with you. We all have desires and wishes and if we listen to the Lord He will confirm those things in our Hearts. I think it is Great you and your husband have agreement for your child or children. Your marriage should come first and if the two of you agree, more power to you both. I think it is a blessing to have been blessed with however many children the Lord blesses us with. To honor however many children you may have, an to want to provide for them is an honor and priviledge!!! When friends, co-workers say things or ask you can respond by, "We are blessed with the child we have and look forward to the blessings he/she will bring into our lives." To feel contentment is a great thing, the society we live in today is not content with the things they may have, and always looking for more. I hope you feel great pride with you wanting to honor the commitment you and your husband have chosen to give your child. Wanting to provide for your child is a great burden we all have and some take it more serious than others. We can all learn from one another the things that the Lord has instilled in our Hearts.
Blessed with 2 children, 11 years apart!!

Hi Carrie,
Sometimes, I feel the same way - like I only want to have one child. I have a little boy - 17 months old, and our life is so perfect right now. He goes to bed willingly, sleeps through the night, takes a good nap in the afternoon, and is a joy to be with during his waking hours. I'm almost afraid to have another one because I remember how hard those first few months are and I'm just enjoying our perfect little life right now. However, I keep thinking about how close I am to my siblings and how I enjoyed having them around (both as a child and now, as an adult). I don't think I can deprive my own child of the joys of siblinghood. (is that even a word!?!). So, I think the best solution for us is to wait a little longer than most do (maybe til our little guy is 3 or 4) and try again for another. That way we have had a good amount of time to spend with just the one child and enjoying life as a small family. Anyway, hope these thoughts make yours clearer for you...I think everyone is different, so don't let anyone pressure you into doing something that's not right for your family. Only children turn out just fine, so if that's your choice, be confident in it!

Gosh, yes! We have a wonderful 4 year old son, but it was a rough first three years for many, many reasons, so I got my tubes tied. Wow, the comments people make-- even after learning we CAN'T have any more! My family is really supportive, luckily, as they saw our difficulties and there are plenty of other grandkids. I am sometimes sad--I had three siblings and we ended up very close and supportive (plus we kept each other entertained, and my son has only me)-- but when he can't sleep for weeks on end, or we get to do something that my friends who have more than one can't do, I know we made the right choice for us. I am trying to make an extra effort to get him connected with kids his own age, though, as he has the "only child" fixation on adults. What about yours? Are you close? Maybe we could have only child playdates!
A

No, you're not the only one out there. My husband and I have
one little boy and that suits us just fine!! I absolutely
do not want another child and I will tell you why. Obviously
expense has something to do with it, but in my case I can
admit that I would possibly resent the intrusion of another
child on the time I spend with my son. I lost a daughter
due to circumstances I won't go into here, and I believe that
my son was my salvation in that area of my life. He is everything to me and I don't want anything in the way of that.
If that makes me sound selfish, so be it. I have no desire
for another one. You can't improve on perfection! I know
that's going to sound like I think my boy is perfect, but
that's not what I mean. After all, he's 2! Anyone with a
two-year-old boy knows what I'm saying! What I mean is that
my relationship with my son and my husband, making our own
little unit, is perfect for me. I have the utmost respect
for moms who have a lot of children and can still maintain
their sanity, but I'm not one of them.
Hope this helps you feel not so alone out there!

Carrie--you are not alone, I am the mom of one, and I have been very happy to be a mom to just one child. In some ways, it was h*** o* my son, so I just included his friends in things that might be considered "family things" such as taking friends on vacation with us. Now that he is older, he has more than 1 child, which is great as a grandmother, but, from my point of view, each to his own. I knew my limitations and choice, and that was to have 1 child. My son is happy with multiple children, but I was happy with just one; my intent was to "have 1 and spoil him rotten" but, luckily I ended up with a very good son! So, if you choose to be the mom of 1, then, do what your heart leads you to do, and do not be pressured by others to do something that you do not feel is right for your family! J.