Moms from Other Countries/cultures

I can answer this from two perspectives: I am the child of immigrants and I have raised a child in yet another country/ culture/ language.

As a mother I found that it was fundamentally important that my child be fluent in two languages. We spoke English in the family but the native language around everyone else. She's still fluent in both.

I purposely had my daughter overseas so that she would be a dual citizen and if war is to ever affect her in her life, she could flee to a safe place. We were living in the country where she was born anyway, but the option to birth here was also available. We've seen too much of the world to think that war is far from even the US, so we wanted her to have options.

Anway, there were great things about that culture, from our perspective, and things that we strongly disagreed with. We disagreed with the fact that we did not know a single couple who was faithful to each other. We were involved in our community, we have good friends of the other culture, we're not being judgemental. They'd tell us, too, that it wasn't a big part of their culture. Consequently, HIV numbers are staggering in that area. So we were pretty clear that by the time our daughter was of dating age, we'd be gone from there. As the child of an immigrant, I know that you can't take your values from another country and expect them to be followed in your kid's home country. We weren't going to fight that battle, so we left. We were lucky to have that option.

We moved back to the US, our birth country, and my dd is a US citizen by birth, though she was born on foreign soil (and actually, yes, she can become president one day, but her kids must be born on US soil in order to retain citizenship. If, however, she adopts, those kids will be US citizens when they touch the ground here. That might be TMI.)

Her personal identity is that of her birth culture, which is interesting because she has not a drop of blood from that area. She sees herself as much that as what she has inherited from my husband and I. I feel like our job is to nurture her inner compass, so we tell her our perspective on where she comes from, but encourage her to find her own identity. I have always hated hated hated when people said that I should be more _______ because that is where my parents come from. I also resent that I should be more like the folks who've been here for many generations. That isn't me. I"m a medly of all these experiences and no one has the right to define me for me. I'm a work in progress, for sure, but I'm MY work.

My parents had a really hard time with a lot of the cultural difference. They had an arranged marriage, and though they would have liked that for me, they didn't even attempt to force it. I would have left and they never would have seen me again. That's at the heart of the issue for me, you know? You have to be careful in instilling identity without alienating your child.

I ended up being a lot more American than the kids of my parent's friends, but they are perfectly who they are.

I think that teaching culture, tradition, language, food, values, pride is all very important, but it is also very important to recognize that if you are raising kids in America, then they are and will be American. If you insist on raising, say, a German and not an American, then it is a good idea to go back to Germany. My parents regretted, for a time, not taking us back to the motherland to be raised since they disagreed with how we acted as teens. Things are much better now. They see that we are happy, but I think my M. especially hurts that I left their faith and I don't have a connection to their community. My brother is more traditional than me.

I guess you have to decide what is really important and what you're willing to compromise on and then decide where/ how to raise your kids.

To SA Mamma and Susan,

What beautiful posts you both have written. It gets so tiring to see people come to this country and then proceed to bash it. Sure, it's not perfect here, but it's not perfect anywhere.

It's nice to see such a healthy multicultural perspective and your children are very fortunate to have you as such wonderful parents. It is this type of attitude that will help our world, not just America, become a better place.

My husband is from Europe... our kids are born here. I'm from here.
You take the good aspects from each culture and you have to create your own mix of what is important or not. Culturally... and as would happen in any family with kids, no matter where they were born.

I personally feel... that you cannot 'expect' your kids to know everything about your homeland/culture, nor 'should' they be like just one culture.
Because, the bottom line is, they are a mixture... of cultures.
But you impart a 'love' of your culture/homeland... so that they can learn about their heritage and about you... .and their other relatives.
Nor, can you 'expect' that they will be expert linguists or cultural experts about your culture or your Spouses culture.

For my Husband... he teaches our kids about his culture and he speaks to them in his native language. My kids are bi-lingual and they know they are a mixture of cultures. BUT... sometimes my Husband feels, they need to know SO much about 'his' culture and language... that he feels a bit upset. BUT.... to me, you 'cannot' expect the children to be like how you grew up in your homeland... because THEIR lives are different... and they exist, NOW. Not when you were a kid. And, their point of reference is different. So... no matter what... the children will be a meld of both cultures or however many cultures your/their family is made up of. Not just 1 culture exclusively nor all the time.

You cannot expect a child... to exclude or incorporate everything from either culture.... just to please the parents either. Because, they are not made up of just 1 culture/heritage.

I spoke with a Tutor once, who teaches French... she said that when she teaches her 'clients'... she EXPECTS that child and their home... to live and be a certain way..... so that they 'live' the French culture and language and foods etc.. (and I can understand that) but, I told her," NO.... your job is to 'teach' French, not change the family or impose your beliefs on the child or their home. Not you telling the parents how to parent their child.... and you have to remember, that we are all different cultures here...." She was offended... but I will not teach cultural hegemony, to my kids.

A child should not have to 'choose' which culture to condone or favor or disfavor. Because, they are made up of more than one culture...
And like any parent... you teach them values... that are just basic important aspects about the world and people.

just my opinions... as I live in a MULTI-cultural home.

All the best,
Susan

For us it has been easier. I am from a european country, my husband is american. we travel overseas once a year for an extended visit, and have family come visit us.
my kids' first language is english, because we both decided we didn't want them to have accents when speaking in english.
they're not dual citizens, and neither am I. i gave up my citizenship when i became naturalized.
i am afraid what will happen when they grow up, meaning will they have the same attachment i have to the old continent (my side of family), but so far, yes. both my kids love going to visit, and love my culture, and my family.
we have also decided to send them to college in my home country, because education is better and cheaper, but that is not the main reason. we want them to become close to their cousins, who they're same age with. then they can choose where to continue living. my husband and i will also retire overseas, while maintaining a home here as well. what helped me was my husband's love for the place i am from. he makes it so easier to be comfortable with both worlds. if he were on on board i think it would have been difficult.
i came to this country for a better life for my future kids, and i think i have succeeded in that. and if i didn't have family back there i don't think i would visit as often or i would think about it as often as i do.

I was born here, however my husband was born in Egypt. We visit his country as much. I think its more about you getting adjusted to america. Children are resiliant, they have this uncanny ability to adjust and adapt to new cultures and lifestyles within weeks. I'd take it one day at a time, get involved in your community first then move to what ever you find interesting. Ask your children's teachers for a sylibus (spelling) so you know what they are going to study.
Depending on where you live, cultures could be varied. I come from Orange Park, Fl which is like the burbs of Jax. I am sure you know it's a military town so there are many different cultures mixed there. As far as biases, I tend to ignore them and teach my children to speak up to their teachers if they are being bullied. Granted my kids are young, so their sort of stepping into the outside world. Which means times can be tricky later in their lives. Just keep an open mind. There are lots of things to do in Jax. Good luck! Jen