Mom Wont Talk to Me

Updated on January 29, 2007
J.A. asks from Elizabeth, AR
18 answers

My family and I just moved to Arkansas from Florida. My mom is so mad at me she hasn't really said anything nice to me since October. She said it was the worst thing I could of done. We moved here because my husband is a quadriplegic and it was getting way to hard for me to take care of him and my daughter, keep up with the house and yard and work 40 + hours a week. I just couldn't take it any more. I spent most of the time that I had home either screaming at everyone or sleeping. I was so depressed. I felt so bad that I could keep up with everything and that my daughter spent most of her time with my mom because she hated being at home. So we moved to Arkansas so that I wouldn't have to work (because the cost of living is cheaper) and so I could spend more time with my daughter. But since my mom spent so much time with my daughter she is so mad at me that she wont talk to me and when she does she just screams at me and tells me what a mistake I've made. I just don't know how to handle this. I understand that she is mad at me but I just wish that she would be some what happy for me because I feel that my life has gotten better since we have moved and that my daughter is doing so well in school. I was wondering if anyone else has been though the same situation or if anyone has any advice for me?

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So What Happened?

As of right now things have gotten worse. She just call me and stated screaming at me telling me that I am a fat lazy bitch and that I only care about my self.

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F.

answers from Kansas City on

Hi J.,

I had the same problem about a year and a half ago. We moved from Charlotte, NC to Overland Park, KS. My parents were very unhappy. My sons were the only grandchildren on my side of the family. All I can say is it will get better with time. My parents eventually accepted it, but it is still very h*** o* my mom, who cries everytime we got to leave.

F.

1 mom found this helpful
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A.P.

answers from Kansas City on

There are so many fun ways that grandma could keep in touch with her granddaughter. If she doesn't want to make an effort, that's her problem. She is the one missing out. Stay strong

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L.A.

answers from Kansas City on

This is tough for you I know, but from my point of view, it's not your problem, it's your mother's. You made a decision based on what was best for your family and for your emotional and physical health. I think next time she screams at you, just take a deep breath, then say, "Mom I understand that you are upset that we moved so far away, but my husband and I made this decision because it is what is best for OUR family. When you can be supportive and not scream, then we can communicate like civilized people."

I know this may sound harsh, but unless you stand up to her, she will continue this behavior.

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B.S.

answers from Rockford on

First of all, as a gramma, I can understand what your mom is feeling after having my grandson (and son) living with us the first 3 yrs of my grandson's life, BUT when they moved out to be a family with Mommy, I knew it was best for all of them (and us too) and I had to step back and become less involved for their sake and not think of myself and how much I would miss them being here. Your mom should realize how hard it is on you with all of the responsibility of your family on your shoulders and not complicate matters by getting mad at you when you really need her to be supportive. I guess I would suggest when you talk to her, tell her that if she is going to yell and not be supportive, you can't talk for a while because it upsets you and you have enough going on already. Speak to her calmly. I have found that it takes 2 to have an arguement and if you don't yell back, they can't have one by themselves and they will stop. :) You have to do what you feel is right and you have try to be as mentally, emotionally and physically healthy as you can so that you can care for your husband and kids so you have to decide to put your family first and not deal with anything (or anyone) that keeps you from doing that. I'm proud of you for making the move and doing what you need to do for your family! It sounds like your daughter is doing well and you are relieved of some of the stress you had before the move so I would say it was a good decision. Take care.
B.

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J.R.

answers from Lafayette on

It sounds like you did the best thing for your family. Im sure your mom is feeling the loss and misses time with you and your daughter, but guilting you out of enjoying the advantages of a better situation isnt fair of her. Personally I would tell her that...you appreciate that she misses everyone but you are sure you made the right decision for your family and she needs to support that or you're going to have to have less contact because the guilt trips arent helping. A little tough love in her direction maybe, when she starts screaming, just say gently, I cant talk to you when you're like this and hang up. Sooner or later she'll get the message and calm down.

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P.B.

answers from Peoria on

HI, J.,
No I haven't been through quite the same thing, but my mother and I just didn't get along most of the time. We were so much alike, I didn't understand why it wasn't a help instead of a hurt. But one day, I was sitting at home watching Church on TV, and it was saying to love and respect your parents. I know sometimes it's hard, but I just went to her house and asked her if I could talk with her for a few minutes and asked her questions that were bothering me and told her a lot of what I was feeling and we were fine after that. Mothers, especially ,like to be told THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU. Take the time to begin that ocnversation with her and you'll find out why she isn't talking to you and it's okay to ask her not to yell at you that your daughter may pick that habit up and then you'll really have hell on your hands. My kids felt sorry for me for the ways my mom would talk to me, but we only have one MOM and you've gotta make amends whether it's you or her, okay? Let me know what happens. I'm concerned.

____@____.com

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E.Y.

answers from Topeka on

First of all.... find someone to talk to! A therapist or a support group. Check with your local hospital and see if there is a group that deals with your husband's disability (not sure if it was some sort of accident or illness? there might be different groups for both.) If money is an issue, suppoort groups are free!
Now, your mom. Are you sure she completely understands your situation? I know that sounds silly, but my mom is so stuck in her own world that she doesn't completely pay attention to anything you tell her so she gets mad about stuff because she hasn't paid attention to all of the facts.
If she does comprehend everything, then tell her you are sorry that you had to move away and tell her you know she misses her grandaughter, but you have to do what's best for your family and yourself! Even thought you have nothing to apologize for, sometimes just saying that makes the other person feel better.
If you apologize and she is still mad, unfortunately there is nothing you can do. It sucks, but sometimes you have to let things go. My mom was mad at me over something dumb and didn't talk to me for a while. Eventually she got over it. It's horrible to have your mom be mad at you and not talk to you, but maybe if she's just being selfish it's better for you not to talk to her for a bit.
Good luck!

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D.T.

answers from Tulsa on

Sometimes you just have to let it go. If she's going to be this way then she needs to have time to digest her feelings and deal with them without you allowing her to make you a target.

I did the same thing I moved from Oklahoma to Kentucky for my husband's job. My family treated me badly everytime I came back to the point that my husband didn't want me to go see them at all when we did come "home." When our marriage ended and he took custody well they didn't treat me any better. After a while I just started resenting my mother even further for it and things have not gotten any better.

There's a saying about toxic people, if all they say to you is negative then you will start to feel that way about yourself so it's better to avoid those people.

Good luck and remember to not take anything personally.

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J.L.

answers from Kansas City on

Hi there. I had a similar problem when i moved from NY to KS. My mom was very upset that i was moving half way across the country. (i was only 21 at the time) We ended up not talking to each other for months. My husband and i (then we werent married) decided to give it a shot, his job offered us a good chunk of change to move so we decided to try it.She got over it and actually came to see us that following spring. Then last year i found out i was pregnant for the first time and she flew out for the birth. Honestly i think it was a good move for us, but im now ready to move closer to home. We know noone here and i want my son to know his family, but the cost of living back east is so expensive that we arent sure we could afford it. So you have to do whats right for YOUR family, she wont stay mad at you forever, she has to realize your doing it for good reasons.

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V.G.

answers from Joplin on

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's admirable of you to put things in perspective and prioritize your options to do what's best for your family. It's no doubt very hard for your mother, but she needs to realize there is more at stake here than her relationship with her grand-daughter........your well-being for one) It's a shame you traded the stress of having too much on your plate for the stress of your mother's undeserved behavior toward you. You can't make everyone happy but it's your duty to take care of your family in the best possible way. I suggest you write a letter to your mother telling her that you're sorry life handed you a difficult task but you're doing what you think is best just as she did when you were a child. Tell her you'll have to cut any phone calls short if you start feeling stressed because that's one of the reasons you HAD to leave in the first place. Good luck with everything that crosses your path, but it sounds as though you have your priorities in order and will make the right decisions.

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C.H.

answers from Kansas City on

J., it sounds like you did what was best for you and your family. the best thing of all this is you have your peace of mind. Your mother will just have to get over it. Sounds like she is having seperation issue. She'll be ok, and if not, you are ok. and that is what matter today. Unless you are happy with your life, it is very hard for us to show our children happiness. So be grateful for what you have and choose not to worry about your mother. She is an adult....
Best of luck on everything new in your life. May God bring you and your family many blessing for your new beginning and lots of love. :)

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S.W.

answers from Lawrence on

we had a similar move last year, from California to Kansas...now my mom comes and visits and the kids go visit her...the time she spends with them (and me) is much more quality time, and it really is better for everyone. Encourage her to come out and visit and maybe she'll see what a great move it was for your family

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T.O.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I did not read all of the responses but I did read some and I do have to agree with Layne if you do not stand up to her she will continue this behavior. I will tell you I came from an alcoholic home. And I moved out and got married the same month I turned 18. When my oldest son now 17 was born my mother would let him have whatever he wanted even if I said no. She would try to tell me how to raise him etc... When my 2nd son was born 2 and a half yrs later I was to the point I couldn't take it anymore. It was hard but I finally stood up to her, this was not just about my kids but about her coming to my house drunk or drinking. It was not allowed and she told me she would do what she wanted when and where she wanted and I had to stand my ground and tell her not in my home. At first she was mad and would not talk to me but eventually she got over it and now has much respect for me and my home. I have learned over the years that my mother may give me advice that I don't agree with or I don't like but that she is a mother and doing what she feels she should do. I don't have to take the advice that is my choice. My sistuation is a bit different than yours but I feel you have done what is best for your family and that if I were you I would just tell her that you have made this decission based on what is best for your family and that she is welcome to come and see you, and even write but this is a choice you have made and no amount of yelling will change your mind. Also I would hang up on her if she started yelling at me on the phone. I personally continue to show my mother love even when I don't like what she is doing etc... but she also knows that I do not agree with what she is doing. I just tell her in love. Good Luck

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M.H.

answers from Wichita on

Hey...I hope you enjoy AR..I'm from there originally...it's a nice place to live because you do have a lot more southern hospitality...get to know your neighbors...they'll treat you like family!..Anyway...I know it hurts for your mom to not agree with your decision, but just give her time...she'll come around, especially when she get's to missing her granddaughter...Give her as much time as she needs...but remember you had to do what you had to do for your family..You have a family now that needs your love and strenghth. Try to continue to move forward.And meet new people. Get out the house for a little while and live!...Keep in contact with your mother just to let her know that you all are ok...even if that is all you have to say, and if she starts with the badgering, then tell her you gotta go..and that you love her. Your life is already stressful enough, you really don't need the added insults..it's almost like pouring salt into an open wound. then tell her you love her and hang up...Remember, it takes 2 to argue!

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H.

answers from Tulsa on

Hey J.,
This is just a thought, but have you asked her to move closer to you? If you have explained the situation and told her you feel you made the right decision for your family, maybe she just needs to feel you still need her and that you would still like her to be around. I don't know if it's possible that she move but it seems to me that she has just had her feelings hurt. When all of my siblings finally left the nest my mom went bonkers because she didn't feel she was needed or loved and she became lonely because her "reasons for living" all left the nest. This might seem weird but my mom was always happiest when we were having problems because we depended on her more. Maybe she just needs to be needed?

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J.

answers from Springfield on

me and my mom never got along and it kils me she also took my daughter from me and i know because my mom has money and i dont have good money like her i know its the right hting becuase she is now at the age to decide and she still choses the money over me anyway i am proud of you you are doing whats best for you and your family tell your mom maybey instead of use the enegergy to fight with you use it to come see you and then she can see for herself how happy you all are now and maybey she will come around if not its her lost not yours.

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K.M.

answers from Kansas City on

J.,
Parents don't want to let go of their children and when they become grand-parents, they become even more selfish about not wanting to let go. I know for I am a mother and grandmother.
Invite your mom to come stay with you for a little while so she can see just how much better your lives are and how well your daughter is doing in school. Maybe it will help her (your mom)to understand the real hardship your family was going through when you still lived in Florida. Let her know that she will always be welcomed to come visit and that in the summer, if your daughter wishes to go visit her for a while, that would be alright. Maybe when she sees that you are less stressed and a whole lot happier, she will agree that your moving was for the best. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best.
Kim M.
P.S. I've never been thru what you are going thru, but I can imagine how painful and distressing it must be. I am lucky because all my children still live here in Missouri.

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J.O.

answers from Springfield on

I have to say that I would tell her that either she can move closer to you or get over it. You are doing what is best for your fammily not hers. Furthermore, I would not let her talk to you like that. Hang the phone up everytime that she starts that stuff. I feel very sorry for you. I know how you feel my mother tries to tell me how to parent my children all the time. I just remind her everytime that she starts telling me how to do my job I stop her and say "If I need your advice I will come to you. Until then keep your opinions to yourself." It does help for awhile. You just have to stand your ground and be consistant.

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