Mom's 80 y.o. Bfriend Confused & Angry at Mom After Strokes

Sounds like he may be sufferening from dementia. The assisted living facility may have a social worker or someone who assists the familes of the patients who may have some more practical advice for coping. Does the boyfriend have any family? Does your mother have legal power of attorney? If not, speak to the social worker or the legal department at assisted living. A verbal request is not enough for someone, especially a non family member, to make financial decisions and manage the bank accounts for someone else. I know your mom means well but I'd hate for there to be any sort of legal trouble. Find out what services there are at the assisted living facility to support the families through this difficult transition. The doctor is there to oversee the patient's medical care, but not to give support to the family so find out who else there can help with this.
Good luck!

He sounds exactly like my dad was...who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That sounds like the early to mid stages. They get paranoid, agitated easily, unreasonable, confused, and they can become combative. There are medications out there to help with these symptoms. Lorazepam is what my dad was on (he's been deceased now for 10 years), but there are better drugs now too. Does he have a neurologist? Usually, a neurologist or a gerontologist will prescribe drugs for these symptoms. Does he have a guardian or someone next of kin who can step in and care for him? I think that since your mom isn't married to him that she has any rights to his care. I would check with the assisted living facility or a social worker at the hospital where he stayed and see what they say. In the meantime, your mom should keep her distance just for her own safety because he's not right.

M.

It sounds as though, in addition to the strokes, he is having neurologic changes, possibly Altzheimers (sp?) or senile dementia. An evaluation for this might be a really good idea.

I think that for your mom's sake, she should try to enlist the help of the staff at the assisted living facility. They may have some good suggestions on how to deal with these behaviours, since I'm sure they see them (and have these feelings/behaviors directed at them by patients).

I also think that your mom should look into joining an Altzheimers or caregiver's support group. Trying googling it, or ask the hospital staff, or the local hospice, for contact information. Talking to others who are dealing with this can really help.

It's a terribly sad situation when someone's mind goes. Even though his is due to stroke, she should look into going to an Alzheimer's/dementia support group -or -if she can find a broader one, a group for family and friends of people suffering from neurological disorders. I've been down this road with a number of family members and my best friend's mother has Alzheimer's. It's VERY normal for these folks to be confused, angry and accusatory. I can only imagine what a nightmare it is in their minds going in and out of lucidity and not being able to firmly put the puzzle pieces into place. Sometimes they truly think they're in a different time and place with a different person. My friend's mother looked at her the other day after having known who she was for months and said, "Who are you?"

My uncle repeatedly asks where my aunt is, and she died two years ago this month. They finally (THANK GOD) started telling him she was at the store or in the shower because he was reliving learning of her death on almost a daily basis. He also made a VERY lude comment to me -and this is a man who is/was extremely religious and conservative and never, ever would have said anything like that normally. My own mother pinched a huge blue knot on my son's thigh right before being diagnosed with a massive brain tumor because he was acting out -and this is a woman who would get incredibly angry at me if I ever popped him or even raised my voice to him. Dementia is a nightmare roller coaster ride for everyone involved, and a lot of the time you have to "play along" with people with these conditions.

Have the doctors given any hope with therapy? At his age, there's probably not very much -and I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Your mom is just going to have to go through the stages of grief (because you do that -even though the person isn't dead) and come to accept that he's "not there" a lot of the time and he's not going to be the same anymore. He needs to stay at assisted living because people with dementia can often be dangerous to themselves or others. There are a lot of books and information out there. Google the Alzheimer's Foundation and Dementia and stroke/dementia and print some things out for her to read or hit the library and get some recommended books. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

M., ask the Assisted Living facility if they have a support group for family members. If they don't call around to the local hospitals. There are support groups for families of stroke victims that may offer her some insight, personal support, and coping strategies.

Also, would it help for her to help him keep a notebook that would list her address etc., as well a record of her visits and such. I know when short term memory goes that keeping written records to refer to can be a huge help for the patient.

She may also need to talk to his doctor about mood modification drugs that may help him stabilize.

Good luck!!!

These things can and do happen, she just has to realize that. I have seen many of people after a stroke, heart attack, or up in age do this.

They do sometimes go back in time about the things they are angry about. So they often yell at others and give orders.

I collect tax and my Aunt asked if my job was okay due to our economy. I said it was fine because we collect revenue, we are one of the safer offices as far as jobs go. He turned and looked at me with the old professor look and said, "They could collect them by volunteer". The comments are usually funny, but it is sad.

As well, my Grandmother used to bark orders at her adult children and call some of them by the other deceased kids names and give them chores. It was upsetting, but something to giggle about later. She left this earth reminding them who was in charge.

Once she realizes this is part of his illness, she will feel better. Maybe you can send her some of the Mama messages so she can see how normal this is. Maybe it will be uplifting to know that others have gone through it too.

She probably should put a caller ID on the phone and just learn to take only so many calls from him a day.

Dealing with a loved one who is behaving like this is difficult. It can be heartbreaking. You don't like how they are treating you, but you know they are sick and can't help themselves. It hurts you to see them acting like this, when you know that is not who they really are. Both my MIL and FIL have dementia and have exhibited this kind behavior. Medication has helped them a lot. I would ask that he be evaluated for dementia and/or other mental health conditions, so that he can be treated.

Also, as previously mentioned... While he had given your mom verbal permission to take care of his finances and such, I would look into getting power of attorney, if she doesn't already have it. Make it legal. I wouldn't want something to come back on her, and have her get into legal trouble all because she just trying to help him.