Mom Seeking Support from Other Moms

I have a hard time getting my 2 kids out the door as well. My son is always dawdling or playing and doing everything he's not supposed to. I used to yell every morning but now he knows by tv. If we hear the sesame street song come on he knows we are late and as soon as he hears it he rushes to get teeth brushed, backpack, sneakers on ect. I give him rewards after school if he gets out the door on time. Or you can try taking something away that she likes for a week.

Hi J.! Will it help you to know that it isn't just your daughter and the ADHD has nothing to do with your 10 minutes in the morning? Guess what?!! I have three daughters, 16,14 & 11 and I am right there with you. Getting side-tracked isn't just an ADHD thing...neither is getting rude and smart right before the bus! Believe me I think it's a girl thing!! All three of my girls are well-behaved, well liked, smart, funny and IMO beautiful...and NASTY in the mornings! Between the 4 of us any morning can become a battle ground. UCK! There are days when I just wish I could lay in bed and ignore it all! They fight (by fight I mean yelling) with each other, they fight with me, they fight over the darn living room chairs!! If they aren't fighting they are whinning or mopy or sullen...and yet all their teachers LOVE them. Go figure. A peacefull morning in my house is one that is filled with girls sleeping in past 11am!!

As far as the friend thing goes, your right, three usually doesn't work really well cause someone is always being left out or feeling left out it really does equal alot of nerve racking whinning & fussing. But it is important for them to learn how to get along, so I tend to grit my teeth and tell them to work it out when the he said/she said stuff starts.
From what I have observed over the years (a good friend of mine has a 28 yr old son with ADHD) it is normal for kids with ADHD to relate better with younger or older kids and they do tend to be a bit more impulsive. You should be concerned that she doesn't fall into the wrong group of kids. But that is again a thing that EVERY parent should be concerned about. Get her involved with band or orchestra if you can it will help teach her focus and it has been my experience that most of the kids in the music programs are just the right kind of kids to be around. (Of course there are always exceptions!)

You are not alone!! And just because your daughter has ADHD doesn't mean that she isn't anymore or less a pain at times than any other girl in the world!! :-) Hang in there, someday we'll all look back on these years and laugh!

Hi J.,

My husband is ADD (without the H). The one thing I noticed with him is that he is VERY disorganized and likes it that way. I am very organized (thankfully) so I am the one who takes care of most of the things around the house that needs the organization (bills, schedules etc). My suggestion about the morning routine is set her alarm at least 15 minutes earlier than she needs to get up, that way she has that 15 minutes to either compose herself or to get the day started (my husband sets his 30 minutes early and lays in bed watching tv etc). Also have her put her backpack etc by the front door the night before so there won't be any need for her to go get it if she forgot it in her room or wonder where she put it. About the annoying her little brother, that is normal sibling rivalry no matter if she has adhd or not that would still happen.

My husband is very impulsive in almost everything he does. So that is normal with this disorder.

Maybe if you gave her her meds before she got out of bed (if you set her alarm early, you could have it by her bed ready for her to take it then) they will have helped her by the time she joins the rest of you at breakfast.

Also there are specialist who "coach" adhd patients to learn how to deal with the "normal" day routines. It might help your daughter alot.

I feel for you.
Good luck!!!

L.

First, Take a deep breath. As a mom with a son with ADHD, ODD, and a mood disorder-I totally relate to your problem. My son was HORRIBLE in the morning and one occasion he went to school in his pajamas. One thing that worked for me was to use a chart. I would put all of the things that needed to be done in the morning and use a timer. He LOVED to be timed to see if he could do it in the time alloted. If he succeeded, he got a sticker for that activity. Getting 4 out of 5 stickers for morning routine would give him an extra 1/2 hour at night and he could watch TV. After about a month of this, he actually seemed to get into the habit of just doing everything when he woke up. I would wake up and find him dressed, back pack by door, medication and drink ready, and breakfast ready.

The social issues are another thing. My son cannot seem to relate to children his own age and prefers younger kids. It seems because he can "control" them or at least their activities and b/c they naturally seem to be as impulsive as he is and therefore he gets less judgment. To help him, I roleplay situations that he might come across. Being told he's ugly, stupid etc, Someone not wanting to do what he wants to do, someone accidenly hurting him, etc. And I would have the kids come to our house to ensure that I could catch him doing the right thing as well as monitor for the wrong thing.

I wish you the best of luck. My son is now 12 and quite a handful. Just remember to remind yourself that you were chosen to be her parent for a reason. Also, If you need support contact the Family Support Organization. Good luck and take care!

These actions are totally normal. ADHD or no ADHD, vicious back talk is a discipline issue. You can make special allowances for the other symptoms with extra time in the morning etc and your other tools. But when she turns mean, give her firm consequences, not an ADHD pass. If she was diagnosed by a specialist, then you already know from all of your doctors info that defiance is not on the list of symptoms. Be careful not to blanket every action and decision based on her ADHD diagnosis, and you will see a vast improvement. Treat it like any other disability, don't mention it, don't let her hear you talking about it to people and all the things she can't do and isn't good at (I'm sure you don't, but I've heard mothers do this) behave as if she can do anything while quietly managing the issues the best you can. She will thank you for it with her progress, and you will get some relief. Don't feel guilty, lack of discipline tends to aggravate the condition, because blurry boundaries add to the chaos of the other problems. The meds are meant to ease her mental misfirings, not teach her how to behave-thats you're job! Good luck!

GOD I Loved reading this...don't get me wrong, I sympathize with you in each and every way!!! Like yourself, I deal with the same annoyance every morning and I hate it. I dread getting up!!! However I can say first off, YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE!!! ADHD OR NOT, you are NOT ALONE!!! I deal with four different little personalities that change like the wind. Every morning I am late school/work, having to get the other off to school, hoping to catch another mom to sign my other rebellious kid into school while I run off to get the little ones to their school, where I sit and watch them among others all day long. NOT Fun. I wish I could say, it's has it pleasentries, but along comes are the gripes, favoritism and so forth! But that's another whole crazy story.
I will offer, maybe sending them off to bed a half an hour earlier to allow them the x-tra time in the morning?I have done this from time to time and it works. The repition of doing stuff is endless....be thankful if she does come back to you later and apologizes, I wish mine would. At least she is making the connection of what her behavior is and it'll take time to work itself out. As far as the mouth---ahh the wonderful stage of adolescense never fails. Mine is nine going on nineteen and I'm like " are you kidding me, please don't tell me she's talking to me like this?"

So by all means if not from any other mom, you can count it from me---You are not alone!!!
*I have to whole heartly have to agree with Lori S., Barb K, Pam M --the longer message of the two. + the other responses!, I have been fortunate to have my opportunities to work with the students with challenged learning, and in your case, any disrespect is never looked upon as an excuse. That's a discipline issue.

Best of luck,
Mom of 4. (9, 6, 3&3)

HI,
i don't have any experience with this but I did have a few thoughts to consider. Does her Dr say what time of day she needs to take her meds? could that be why mornings are hard? maybe if she took them at night or something? Just something to think about.
I've seen in some parenting magazines where the adult will make a chart of what needs to be done in the am, dress, eat, brush teeth, get back pack, put on shoes etc. And the child can physically cross each item off. I think i've also seen a version like that that they wear like a necklace, maybe with hole punched index cards, or maybe you could take her to the craft store or a bead shop and find beads or charms that signify each activity, Then she oould take that necklace off as the last thing you do before walking out the door to school.
As for the friends issue, I know each of us wants what's best for our kids and i know i would have a hard time with this sitution myself. But there are times, as parents where we need to step back and ask if this is what our kids want at this time or if it's what WE want. Unless she is upset about not having a best best friend, she might not be read for one yet. You may have to deal with that at some point,but for right now, maybe she needs to focus on other things.

I hope you are able to connect with some other people in these circumstances because i'm sure you aren't alone. It sounds like you are a great mom and doing your absolute best. Thanks for sharing.

Dear J. M,
I am a single mom of a wonderful 8 yr old boy who has also been diagnosed with ADHD. Let me assure you that he also does the screaming, yelling, and blameing at me only he does it in the morning and evening. He really has no "Best Friends" to speek of and it does worry me. The medication he is on does cause him to grow slower and decrease his appite. What I do at meal times is let him eat until he is full them wrap it up and set it in the fridge until he is hungry again and warm it for him then. I can't tell you this is normal, I don't know. I only know what I am dealing with, whith my own son, and am seeking help else where.

Hope this helps.

B. C

Hi J.,
Reading your post hit home for me, having grown up with a brother with severe ADHD.Our mornings were the same, a battle field growing up.My brother can not focus on tasks that are not important to him, and has to do things his way, or no way at all. He has always had trouble being flexible. Also, He gets obsessed about things, (Poetry, A video game, a certain type of music) and will obsess over it until it passes.Unfortunatley, He has social problems that worsened and he can't work, and was kicked out of school as a kid. Currently, His ADHD has manifested into Bipolar Disorder.
All that being said not to discourage you- my brother was not diagnosed till about 10, and at the time, they did not have much treatment options. I remember them telling my Mom to cut his sugar intake-like that would work! Schools did not know how to handle him, so they kicked him out.My parents did not know how to handle him, so they tried to control their other three children, which led to alot of resentment.Whatever you do, don't try to pacify her with whatever she demands to keep peace. ADHD Patients tend to want the world to go their way, but to pacify them worsens their ability to adapt.
I would suggest social and behavioural counseling, and the book Dealing with Distraction. Depending on the severity of her illness, I'd reccomend counseling for your other child.Also, try to remember above all-she can't help the way she is , it is the way God created her.And don't give up hope- some of the most succesful, creative people (Like the owner of Jet Blue Airlines)are ADHD, who learned to live with their disorder. Feel free to contact me if you need any support or have any questions.
Keep prayin',
S.

Hi J.,
I sympathize with you. My son (only 5) does not have ADHD but he is the KING of putzers and it drives me crazy sometimes trying to get out of the house. From the kitchen to thebgarage he will get some toy cars, ride his bike, look in the laundry chute, etc. UGH! LOL
The more upset I get, the putzyer he seems to get! Try to remain calm (even if you are having a stroke on the inside!) and keep your voice even toned.
I like the idea of a chart to keep her focused on what needs to be done each morning. I think a little extra time could help. Or, what about getting everything ready to go and THEN have breakfast & go?
As far as the friends go, give her time. Let her have O. friend over at a time for brief get-togethers, if she is better O.-on-O.. Have a girl over for a pizza & a video or something like that. My son is better in a O.-on-O. situation too, and we often let him bring along a buddy if we're going out for a bite, etc.
You sound like a great mom and I'm sure you're doing all that you can for your daughter! Everyone has bad...and REALLY bad days. Hang tight!
You sound like a great mom. Hang in there.

J.,

I hope it helps you to hear that, although you have never been in my house, you have described my mornings to a TEE! This is exactly how our mornings go as well. My son is 10 years old, ADHD (diagnosed at age 5). He is on the Daytrana patch (works WONDERFULLY). Anyway, I never know what to expect in the morning. I get "five more minutes" when it's time to get out of bed, then he finally gets up and just moves to the couch where I have to prod him more to get up. He, too, gets lost between tasks. The reason we have these problems in the morning is because their medicine has not had sufficient time to begin working, so they are waking up "raw". The ONLY thing that I've found that even helps a small bit is to do the activities with him. I go into his room with him to get dressed rather than telling him to go do it. I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth at the same time he's brushing his (we make a contest out of it - who can brush longest), rather than just telling him to go do it.

Then when I'm pushing him out the door at the last minute, he gets upset too, starts whining, yelling, etc. I just keep saying "Love you!" as he's leaving....over and over and over, and he usually starts laughing as he walks out the door.

As far as friends go, my son enjoys spending his time with younger kids, and mostly girls, too. In fact, he spends most of his time at the neighbor's house, and their daughter is 7 (he's 10). He does not have any friends his own age, does not have a 'best friend', but seems to be well-liked by the kids at school (although he'd say differently). I just encourage him to be himself!

It's a constant struggle, but know that you are not alone!

Best of luck, and let me know if you ever want to vent!
A.

Hello,

I don't have a child like that but i do have a brother. And when he is not on his med's he is impossible to get along with. He drove my mom crazy growing up. At times she was just emotionally and mentally drained from his attitude, (we all were). It took years to find the right meds. But as soon as we found them he was a totally different person. He didn't have any side effects and no tantrums when he was on the right ones. He was on concerta. He has been on that for years and has been doing great on it. It only last 7 hours and he tooks it as he needs it. Just wanted to let you know your not alone and good luck with your daughter!

F.

Uggg... mornings. They are rough. Next year I'll go from getting 1 out the door to 3 out the door.
It is really frustrating.

Have you thought about a flip chart? Each card could have a picture and words of what to do. Breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, folder/homework in bag etc. She can be in charge of flipping it and it will be a reminder of what she should do next. If she is successful getting herself together and off to the bus then she can have some special time with you at the end of the week.

Here's another idea that worked for me. - I also struggled with getting my 1st grader out the door. I resented having to drive her to school because it took 1/2 hour out of my busy morning. Now, with gas prices, it's even worse to have to drive her. So, I told her that if I had to drive her, then I missed the 30 minutes that I could have spent cleaning the kitchen. She then had to owe me 30 minutes of cleaning time when she got home. It happened once and she has been great about getting to the bus stop on time ever since.

It really is difficult getting kids up and off to school. I find that if the morning doesn't go well, it really throws off the rest of my day. I would much rather have a positive start to the day.

I'm eager to see the other responses too. I'm going to need all the help I can get when my twins start next fall!

Good luck!

J.,
I don't have quite the same problem, but have a thirteen year old daughter with bipolar disorder. My mornings are similar to yours. It has gotten better over the last three years. I have found that if I make a list that is posted in her room she seems to do a little better.
My daughter did not have friends for a long time. No one would tolerate her behavior. I know how this can break your heart. Thankfully she has a group of friedns now that she fits in well with.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Hang in there and hold on to how much better the afternoons are.

A Little about me:
Married to my best friend. I have one daughter who is 13 and is my challange and my joy.

Hi, I have a 10 yr old boy who is diagnosed with ADHD not the hyperactive end but the combination, also absent seizures, bipolar, and depressive. I hear what you are saying about mornings being a battle I home school my children through a cyber school. I have three others. He has live lessons and things that I make them stay on a schedule like if they were in public school. He and his 7yr old brother butt heads daily. In the hallway at the breakfast table you name it. We are still finding meds and he has a behavioral health specialist working with him and we are still in the same boat. The friend issues are the same or sound the same. Don't worry hang in there I know it's tuff. I have turned to caffeeine. I drink way too much coffee. If you ever need to chat I'm here!!! ____@____.com

hi J.

Have you heard of CHADD, they are great

J.,

I live in your world...have an 11 year old (boy) with ADHD (primarily inattentive) and an 8 year old (girl) who does NOT have it. All of what you are saying seems to be very normal.

We've done a number of things...sometimes they work...sometimes not.

1. I sat down with my son and created a list of what needed to be done each morning...EVERYTHING...and when it needed to be completed. He created it...so it was his list...not something I was forcing on him. I had the list laminated and attached a rubber bracelet to it. I had him wear the list and refer to it continuously until it became habit.

2. Instead of tearing my hair out and building up resentment and frustration, I ask him to do something (such as put his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher) only once. If it's not done, I do it, and charge him a "maid fee" - consistently. This speaks to what matters to him ($$) and when the fee gets high enough that he cares...he responds.

3. If he does not complete what is required on time and misses the bus, there is a "cab fare" to school for me to take him. Again...this hits him where it hurts.

4. We are absolutely VERY blunt with him...and tell him when his behavior is annoying, and though his family will ALWAYS have his back, it's possible he'll lose friends if he doesn't control the impulsiveness. The impulsiveness is absolutely an ADHD thing, but they CAN work to control it.

Much of this may seem harsh, but we spent a long time in counseling with a tremendous psychologist and she continually remined us that "the stakes are small now." We'd rather he learn to cope now (than get fired from a job at 30 when he's supporting a family) when it costs him so little. Believe me, I've shed many tears over this child. I love him, but he is a constant drain on my energy. OH...and speaking of energy...also from the psychologist...explain to your child that you have a finite pool of energy each day. Explain that in the past, you've let her take more than her fair share of your energy...which isn't fair to you, or her sibling, or your spouse. Tell her that it's been your fault, but that you will no longer allow her to do it. If she sucks your energy by not cooperating in the morning, she loses time with you later in the day doing something fun b/c she's already taken more than her share. This has worked for us. ADHD kids do NOT take read between the lines very well. You have to be totally blunt with them and tell it like it is!

I would absolutely not permit the backtalk. It is draining your energy. Either walk away, or send her to her room. You cannot be an effective parent when you let her suck you dry.

It is normal for her to play with younger kids. Kids with ADD/ADHD mature later than their peers. Most of my son's friends are younger than he is. It's not all bad...keeps them innocent a bit longer.

You may want to try to get her to take her meds earlier in the morning. You didn't say when she takes them, but it sounds like they haven't kicked in yet when you're leaving for school. Our psychologist had suggested that we give it to as soon as he wakes up and then give him a bit of time for it to kick in before breakfast. That hasn't worked for us b/c then it wears off too early at night, but it's something you may want to consider.

Hope at least part of this is helpful. Know that you aren't alone. The counselor was really good for our whole family. Our insurance covered all but a $10 co-pay and it was SO worth it! You may want to look into that option. My son really enjoyed talking to the counselor. He's such an enigma. He's scary smart, but so absent minded. She was able to give us all so many practical coping solutions. So many things she told us were simple, but we never thought of them on our own.

NEVER let her use her diagnosis as an excuse! Some outgrow ADD, some don't...prepare her to manage it. YES...it is more difficult for our son than for our daughter to remember to bring home things from school, but there are consequences even though it's hard. A boss won't give her a pass b/c she has ADD.

Must get him to bed now.

Congrats on NOT being ashamed on medicating your daughter. I hate having to make a disclamer when I talk about my child on-line too :) I am also a parent of a 10 year old boy who has ADHD. I understand exactly what you are talking about. What has helped for us is to have a step-by-step chart on what needs to be done in the morning. We have it broken down into very small steps like
pour the cereal
pour the milk
get your spoon
It helps him stay on track and see what he needs to do to get it done. He no longer needs the paper chart, but he mutters the steps under his breath so keep himself on track. It took a bit for this to happen. Stay strong!!!!

I have an 18yr old boy w/add....
It is an uphill battle. Typical symptoms- trouble in groups,school, going for the younger friends (thats who tolerates them)
they are funny people, creative,loving and busy... She will learn as she gets older.. But always will have trouble w/certain things/situations....
Ease up, stop worrying- it is what it is.......
BE CONSISTANT, QUICK AND CALM. (HAHA RIGHT?)
NOT TOO MANY COMMANDS AT ONCE. DO BEHAVIOR MOD- IT DOES HELP W/THEM WHILE THEY ARE YOUNG..
AND EVERYONE HAS CRAP IN THE MORNING!