Mom Seeking Other Moms Opinion

Updated on August 12, 2007
N.W. asks from Charlotte, NC
9 answers

Ok this is a long one so please bare with me. I have a husband that has really never been there for me. He is more interested in being around his friends, going out and returning home in the middle of the night sometimes later, and pretty much just comes and goes when he feels like it.He at times complains he is bored being at home and that he needs to be out having a good time. His excuse for not taking me out or doing anything with me is that he has no money but when he is out with his friends he buys beers and goes to restaurantes to eat. At times I feel he married me becuase I have good credit. Whenever he wants something, material things, he is the nicest person to me. And as soon as he gets it he just goes right back to being a jerk to me. For example, when he wanted a brand new motorcycle, he was a sweetheart to me and as soon as he got it he returned to never being home with me and my daughter and being disrespectfull to the household. When he wanted a brand new SUV, again he needed me to put it in my name so he was nice to me until the ink dried. Whenever I refer to the SUV as ours, (the SUV is solely in my name) he gets irate and says I should only refer to it as "his" only. Also, his credit is so bad that he could not get a cell phone in his own name, he begged and begged for me to put a cellphone in my name for him. I did, but last month I opened the cell phone bill ( I had not checked it in awhile becuase I assumed he was paying it like he should) and found he owes the cell phone company $800 ( that is not including the extra $200 penalty fee for breaking the contract) AND they disconnected the service for non pymnt. Now I am worried this will effect my credit. I recently bought a home in April and really cant afford the home alone but at this point I feel I need to give up on this pathetic marriage. He has said many many hurtful things to me, he comes and goes as he pleases, he does not spend much time at all with our 2 year old daughter. He spends more time with his friends. When I tell him how I feel he "goes off" on me and says I am being selfish. I am emotionally drained at this point. He pays NOTHING for our daughter he makes double the money that I make but yet does not contribute to anything, he does pay the mortgage but when I do the math he is getting of easy beucase I pay EVERYTHING else, ex. medical benefits, all the car insurances, utilities, food,anything for my daughter (food, clothes, daycare, etc) I am even paying for my own wedding rings that are also in my name. The house is in my name completely, pretty much everything is in my name. If I divorce him will he be scott free and not have to pay for anything? Does anyone know? Has anyone dealt with anything like this before? Does anyone know any good lawyers in the area? Oh and get this, when we closed on the house in April he paid for NOTHING, and he celebrated the closing wit his friends while I went home and it was just me and my daughter. For my birthday I spent it alone but whenver its his friends birthday or even his own he celebrates it with them for the entire week. I do everything I am supposed to do as a wife, I cook everyday, I clean, I wash clothes, and I take care of the baby. I dont feel like I need him. But I am worried with everything in my name and this big mortgage now that if/when I divorce him I will be stuck with all the financial oblligations.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I recently got a wonderful promotion and am happy to say....financially I no longer need my husband.He has not changed much but at this point my goal is to get out of debt and in a year see where things are as far as my marriage and make a decision on how I will move forward ( with or without him). Thanks all for your opinions and suggestions.

More Answers

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L.J.

answers from Orlando on

I feel so bad about you situation.

I know of an attorney that might be able to help. His name is Bob Grguric. He works in the law offices of Thomas R. Olsen on Edgewater Dr. in College Park. GIve him a call. He is a family lawyer. The number is ###-###-####. His secretary/wife's name is Meg. He is a really nice man.

Hope it all works out.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.M.

answers from Orlando on

N.,

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I thought my situation was bad, but your husband is really taking advantage of you and has no respect for you or his family. Don't stay in something like this like I have for the last 12 years, unless your husband agrees to go to counseling with you(mine refused). Do you have friends that you can go out with? Start going out yourself once in a while and let him take care of your daughter, let him see that you are not prepared to stay home and play the dutiful little wife, while he does exactly as he pleases. You really need to speak to a lawyer regarding your situation ASAP and check your credit score to see how it looks, I am sure the cell phone issue will have affected it plus it sounds like everything is in your name, you need to see how you stand credit wise. Please don't buy another thing for this selfish man, who seems to use you and treat you so badly. He is not a husband or a father by the sounds of it, similar to mine, except mine stays home and does nothing. I know it's hard to think about a future alone, but you are basically on your own anyway, which is how I feel and I have taken my first steps to separating myself from my husband, I have had enough of this life with him and deserve better and so do you! There is a law firm in Winter Park called the LaGamba Law Firm ####-###-####. If you call the Orange County Bar and talk to Norma, she can put you in touch with a lawyer that siuts your needs and it's a lot cheaper than contacting the lawyers directly, it's $30 through the Orange County Bar for the 1st 1/2 hour and then whatever the lawyer charges thereafter. Don't let this man use you any longer! Good Luck.

S..

1 mom found this helpful
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R.H.

answers from Orlando on

God bless you N.. You poor thing. In this intance, I think divorce is what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter. He will not get off scott free. He will HAVE to pay child support - make sure it gets set up to garnish his wages. Although he actually may gain some b/c Florida is a 50/50 state whether the property is in his name or not, so you may have to sell the house, but then again, you may get to keep it, and he gets to keep his toys. I am not an attorney, however. Maybe some Mamasource members are. Also, AM 580 WDBO has a laywer show I think on Saturday mornings. You could contact them for some free advice. St. Margarat Mary Catholic church in Winter Park has free counseling from attorneys I think on Thursday nights. You could call the church. Best wishes to you and your sweet daughter. I'm sorry you are going through this!

1 mom found this helpful
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T.F.

answers from Orlando on

You said 2 things that really hit me as reasons that this isn't working AT ALL--- the most important being that he spends no time with your daughter. That alone is enough to hit the road (unless you are grossly exaggerating)... and the other thing is tellig me which bills you pay and which ones he pays. You are married and if you can't trust eachother enough to have a duel checking account in which you BOTH deposit your paychecks and pay all of your bills, why are you married?

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T.Q.

answers from Orlando on

He needs a swift kick in the rear!

I recently got back together with my husband after about 8 months of separation because he started acting like a jerk to me. We didn't have much of a marriage to begin with, we never worked together or had much of a bond. We acted like we were still dating, but lived in the same house. When we had our son I was ready for change and he wanted to still act like a kid.

I decided to leave when he developed an inappropriate relationship with some idiotic girl at work and didn't want to give it up. He claimed they were just friends, but I'm no fool. You don't sneak phonecalls in the middle of the night with a "friend." Anyway...he was fine with the separation, he apparently wanted to be free anyway. But he straightened up and really changed when he realized how empty his life was without his family. Now things are better than ever, so I'm glad I gave him another chance.

I'm a woman who believes in forgiveness and second chances, but from what you're saying in your message, it doesn't sound like your husband has much potential for improvement. It really does sound like he's using you and you have to do something about it. You and your daughter are being neglected. Is there any chance of getting him into counseling? Could you drum up any support from his family? What about his friends; are their spouses also being neglected?

I wish I knew what you should do. Something has to change. It's not fair to you or your daughter. Pray for strength. I wish you the best.

-T. Q

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S.R.

answers from Orlando on

Hi N.,
I read your letter and I would like to give you my two cents....
I can only relate in the aspect of disrespect. My cousin is currently in a disrespectful relationship and I can't stand it!
I know deep down the big "D" is the last thing you would want to do because of your daughter BUT... Please realize that what she see and may hear is more than you may relize. You don't want her growing up thinking that this is good behavor. Daddy being gone all the time and Mommy being upset and alone. Besides that it sounds to me like he may be using you.. Do you get to go out and come home in the middle of the night? Would he care?
Also, Bills? Does he not share an account with you? I would be demanding money weekly, bi weekly something..
Not here to judge but You will be treated in the way that you allow yourself to be treated. If he knows that your going to do nothing about a situation that upsets you, then he will continue doing it. Sounds like you got him spoiled! And what does he do for you?
Didn't mean to sound harsh, But I can't stand when a women feels like she can't make it without a man.

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S.F.

answers from Orlando on

Hi N.,

Try to get him to counselling and pray, pray, pray with faith. It is not good for you and your daughter what you are going through. He does sound like a user and someone who has only himself on his mind. I know it is hard to make the break, but if he doed not go to counselling or if it does nor work. You need to take yourself and your daughter away from the situation. You will get the strength when it is needed.

I will keep you in my prayers
S.

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M.W.

answers from Tampa on

HI N.,

I have had a friend in a very similar issue. And she had mother in law issues on top of that. I would seriously go see an attornely. See two or three differnt attorneys if you want. Most attorney's will do a free consultation. Then you can pick the one that you feel most confident in. In your situation, you might even want a female. The best thing you can do at this point is go meet with somewhere and see what your rights are, his rights are, etc.

Best of luck!
M.

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K.W.

answers from Orlando on

OK-
so did you read what you wrote? Your answers are all there. You can wait around waiting for him to become the man you want him to be. He's only nice when he needs something? OMG! Cut him loose! You are not a failure if your marriage ends. I mean what is better ending it now or enduring this for any longer?
I almost married a guy that sounds like he could be your husbands twin--and cutting him loose was the best thing I ever did! It was such a relief when I finally did it....
Talk to a lawyer, get your paperwork in order, then get him out of there. Thing not of yourself, but of your daughter too....she doesn't need that kind of role model...
Good luck!

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