Mom Seeking Help

My daughter is 13 and was starting to become that way too, but a lot of it was the friend she hung around. My husband and I despised her friend, and once my daughter came to her senses she changed friends, and she now hangs around really nice lovely girls, and my daughter has really changed. Also, a lot of this is normal behavior for most teens and pre-teens anyway. What I would do is punish her whenever she is disrespectful, mean or rude. Take away computer privileges, ipod, TV, treats, whatever it takes to see she can't get away with this.

As children enter adolescence their need for independence increases. As this happens we find as parents our old communication styles when dealing with small children don't work for our teens. When we shift to more respectful language like we do with other adults, our teens feel more respected even though what they say may be irrational to us.

Try "mirror, validate, empathize, and take a stand."
Mirror - "So what I hear you saying is..."
Validate - "Your feelings about... are ok to have."
Empathize - "I can see how you feel that way about..."
Take a stand - "It is okay to want to have make-up on, however the rules in this house are ... Would you be willing to talk about a way in which we can come to an understanding about what will work for both of us?"

Your daughter will feel listened to. Often the battle stops when you listen and she feels listened to. Psychological studies show that love feelings increase when people feel listened to. When my daughter goes off on irrational diatribes, I let her speak her mind, crazy as she may sound, while I say to myself, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP." Often the listening diffuses the situation.

Good luck L., if you shift you will see your daughter shift as well.

Ditto on everything so far - also, find things that she can be right about - and ask for her advice on little things - ie: which looks better - this dress or that? What should we have for dinner? Give her choices. Give her time alone. Compliment her when she does something polite, no matter how small - and an appropriate compliment - don't overdo it. Also, your life is not normal right now - acknowledge that to her and ask for her help with your ill mother doing small things. I was a brat at that age - my mom remarried, and I hated how I acted, but didn't feel like I had a choice. (Of course I did, but I didn't see it at the time) I wanted the grownups to act like grownups. Good luck. And I hope your mom is ok.

L.,

Okay, as a female I went through this right after I got my period. I had friends who's Mom's didn't 'pay attention' to what their kids were doing, and let them use their allowance for whatever they wanted. My Mom was, however very much an active part of my life.

At any rate, I rebeled and wanted to buy cheap lipstick and eyeliner and even resorted to hiding it from my Mom. That lasted all of two week, my Mom was a teacher and she found out pretty quickly. At the time, I felt like my Mom didn't understand me...she was the only person who was against me...blah, blah, blah. My Mom had her sisters (my aunts) talk to me, and ask if they could take me shopping and show me how they did their make-up. It was a great day, and I felt like someone got me. My aunts and I have always been close, and this was a great outlet for me...I had 'other' females who I could talk to about things I didn't feel my Mom would hear.

Truly, it is a phase. My Mom and I are best friends today and have been super close always, but this phase I think can either make or break a Mom/Daughter relationship. If you push her and deny her things, she will most certainly rebel and fight back. If you find ways to comprimise, and make this an experience she can look at as positive then you'll come out on top.

Does she have an aunt, sister-in-law, brother's friend, cousin...someone older who can offer to help her with her make-up, clothes and things like that. Sometimes an outside female can help your daughter see the light easier than it coming from Mom. My aunts helped me to see how I was treating my Mom wasn't fair, she like you, worked hard and did whatever it took to make our family successful.

If you don't have an alternate female then, my suggestion is sit down with her...talk to her, don't demand, yell or be mad. Explain that you understand she's growing up, and that there are things she'd like to try and you'd like to be a part of that too. Tell her you'd like to take her shopping, so you can both learn about make-up and get some things that are appropriate for school. Take her to some place like the Body Shop or Bath and Body Works...some place that offers make-up but, has subtle shades that are more age appropriate. You could go to the mall too, and have one of the make-up artists explain how make-up effects the pores, and what is right for her age.

It could be a learning experience for both of you...and who knows...FUN.

Her attitude overtime will change, as she moves into her next hormone driven phase. Think about how you deal with your toddler, the patience and understanding you have had to have with her phases...my Mom (high school teacher) calls it the terrible teens.

I would make sure she understand that her brother abides by your house rules, and that she is no different and will be treated with the same discipline as him if she continues to be rude and treat the family poorly.

But, really I just remember feeling lost and alone at that age. Your hormones are all our of whack and you've got pre-teen girls telling you how awful their Moms are...so, it's easier to make your family out to be evil too.

I wish you the best of luck during this time!

D.

My daughter is only two-years-old, but I counsel teens. I just reread "Queen Bees and Wantabees." Great read and gives excellent insight into her immediate world view. Highly recommend this book for this age.

I wish for you patience, peace and sanity. I'm not sure how I will do when I parent a pre-teen girl.

Really, all the best you:)

Jen

I have 3 daughters youngest 11. From my experience with all children they imitate people and do what we let them get away with. So she is probably acting like someone in her group of friends, so I have always made it my first priority to know all my daughters friends and their parents and let my daughters know of who we approve and not and why and what is acceptable. I have even said in front of a rude freind (no named mentioned)when my middle daughter starting acting rude that just because other people act rude does not mean we accept it in our home or from our children and that girl has changed her ways at least in my home and I found out later her mom was having trouble with her attitude also. Most important that you love them the way they are and that they don't have to try to be like anyone else they are great just as they are. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Hi L.,
I just have to ask, do you know anyone who actually enjoys doing everything another person asks her to do? Maybe when she's being asked to do something in your home, she hears it as demanding and interrupting the very important whatever-it-is that she's doing. You have a 3 year old, so you know how they believe they are the center-of-the-universe, not because they're stuck-up, but because developmentally they don't understand that others also have needs.
I believe your 11-year old is probably going through the same thing. Like others have said, she's trying to find out where she fits, not only in the general world and family, but with you. Plus, she's the middle child, so she has special needs in terms of getting attention. Like others have said, make time to hang out with her. She may act like it's the most boring awful time, but when done on a regular basis, you'll find her coming to appreciate it. When I was 11, my mom was a single mom working to raise me, taking care of her elderly mother, and dealing with a 20 year old son who impregnated a woman who couldn't confirm paternity... I was a mess! But I had a cousin I could gripe to who I got to see every 2-3 weeks. And my rules were the same no matter what, which I hated, but knew I could rely on them. And my mom signed the two of us up for a weekly aqua aerobics class, which I thought was SO LAME, but came to really enjoy it by the end... :P

Don't give up hope. And make sure to reiterate to yourself and to her that "this too shall pass" meaning that whatever she's feeling, whatever the situation, it will change. Sometimes for the better, rarely for the worse, but it will change.

Oh, and on the makeup note, I would definitely introduce her to your avon/marykay/whatever-skin-care-consultant person and/or the makeup counter people at higher-end stores so that they can teach her about the effects of makeup on tween skin. The minute I started wearing makeup, I broke out, so I wore more and more to cover up the zits, which in turn made me break out even more. I had to take a whole summer to get my skin back in shape and not wearing makeup, which made me miserable, so teach her about makeup and its effects and also what looks good.
-J.

Hi L.,

As as a family life coach, I often find that the behaviors you describe are outward signs that a Tween daughter has an underlying need that she is attempting to meet through her outward behaviors. If you can figure out what that need is, you can offer her alternative behaviors (that you approve of) to meet the same need. For example being rude is often a way of getting attention. The underlying need or function of that behavior is to be seen and acknowledged. The way the Tween is going about works because every time she acts ugly, someone "notices". Although it works, it creates new problems. The challenge is to help the Tween see how else she can get her need for attention met without being rude or creating more problems for herself.

So although it may be hard, look beyond the behavior and see if you can identify, then address what need your daughter is trying to meet with any of her behaviors. You will be amazed how much different Tweens behave when their needs are being met in a healthy functional way. As the responder earlier mentioned, Queen Bees and Wanna Bees is a great resource for Tween moms and daughters!

~D.

Ah, hormones. Remember how it felt when you were a young teen. Stay firm and calm. I have always been the driver for outings and it is a great way to stay in touch with what she and her friends are doing. Avoid putting her in an emotional corner where she has no way out. It sounds like your household is a little crazy right now and she is possibly reacting to that. She won't always want to talk, but let her know that you are always there for her to talk to. Good luck.

L., You have a lot of great advice here, especially from Donna L. Please also remember the recent changes in your living arrangements - that can be an incredible amount of stress for everyone in your family. Just at a time when your daughter is seeking more independence, going through a number of physical, hormonal, and emotional changes, she is losing some of her personal space. Perhaps that is one thing you can try to create for her. Also, she sees you working full time, her dad is at school, she might be feeling pretty unimportant. As Donna suggested, look beyond the behavior and try to find what is causing the behavior. Your patience is most important! Remember, your daughter may not even know why she is acting this way. She needs to be reminded that even though things are pretty hectic right now, she is your priority and has all of your love and you are willing to give her the support she needs in a healthy and positive manner. We are all thinking of you and hoping the best for you and your daughter. Peace, B.

L.,
It sounds pretty tough right now around your home. You have so many things going on at one time in your life. Taking care of an ill mother/grandmother, older teenager, preschooler, daughter becoming a preteen, husband full time at school and you working full time. That is a lot on your plate. When your at work, who takes care of your mother, and the little one? Does your daughter have to do a lot of the babysitting, or housework, etc.? If so, there could be some resentment. She may love everyone, but it can be a bit much for her to handle. She might feel that she is expected to act like an adult with her responsibilities, so she is going to act out even more. If the above is the case, spread the responsibilities and duties among her older brother, her dad and you. If your mom can help out in anyway, have her do so. Where does your mother sleep? Is it in your daughter's room? If so, your daughter has no privacy. That can be difficult for a young girl. Resentment can cause bad behavior, disrespect, etc. If you can, sit down and see what you two can work out to help her feel better about all the changes going on, that would go a long way. She needs reassurances that she is important to you and that you love her as much as everyone else. I hope this helps some, please keep the communication open with her and try to have some girl time with her once and a while. Even if it means window shopping, going to a movie, taking a walk together, or something you know she likes to do.
Hang in there.

E.:)

I don't know of any advice, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I also have an 11 year old girl. Who is beyond moody, thinks she knows it all. I myself wonder if its horomornal. I know my 11 year old has started her period and once a month it all gets worse. I would try talking to her just in case its an early sign. Good Luck!

No expert here, but my daughter is 18 and a good kid. I just wouldn't allow it. I have know of people to take everything they have away from them except two outfits and take away there room or take the door down. She will learn to appreciate what she has.

Plus, teach her about God and Heaven and his ways and get her to Church.

Hope that helps.

J.

When I read this, I think of "insecurities". She's in the "tween" stage where she's not necessarily a young girl bit she isn't a teenager either. I think she is trying to find out where she fits in and what her boundaries are. The dynamics at home do seem a little chaotic and this may be how she is in a sense "coping". Perhaps a lot of attention has been on tending to your ill mom or the toddler. Maybe she is passive-aggressively crying out for some attention. I'd do a "date with mom" with her. Grab a movie together, or have a "girls night" at home and do eachother's nails and hair with funny hair-do's (4 ponytails, curl half the hair and put the other side in a braid, do "Princess Leia" buns, etc.) I think she just wants some one-on-one time with you and with Daddy. I hope this helps! ♥

L.,
I'm sure if you re-read your request for help, you may see the problem very clearly. I'm not in your shoes and I don't want to give you a quick fix, or make you feel bad about your situation; however, you have a full house, with the adults occupied " full time"....when does your daughter get attention? at school by the teachers? Wearing make up to school isn't "out of control" behavior it's a sign for "attention". If I were in your shoes I would definately try to make your situation work by doing all I can do to make my daughter feel that she is important to me,loved and that she needs to be a positive role model for her sister. A girls weekend away may begin to get her to lighten up!
I sincerely hope you are able to help her through this rough time and keep peace within your family.

turn off the tv- and take her to an acupuncturist- sounds like liver fire out of control- soothing music, visuals, environment. try it and see if it helps. good luck water with lemon in am is good for liver

Eleven is a tough age for girls hormonally. They are not themselves when they go from the stage of being little girls to becoming young women. Try to be patient, but expect no reward. You might find out if there is any kind of support group or counseling offered through her school. She might need somewhere to go where she can talk about all her confused feelings out loud, so she can know what is happening is okay, normal, and that she is going to make it through. Best of luck to you and your daughter! Hang in there.

Welcome to the world of pre-adolescence! This is age appropriate. She is trying to become more independent and
will test all of the limits. Make sure that she knows that
you love her, even when she is unlovable. If you greet her
with a smile, when she comes in the room and tell her that
you love her, some of it will go away.

That said... She will continually test your limits. Go over
the rules. Let her be in on setting the rules and the
limits. Hold her to them. Be consistent. That is SO
important. Make sure that you and your husband are on the
same page and don't let her play you off of each other. They
do come out the other side. Her family is still her most
important influence (and will be). She is a little young for
make-up, but girls start to wear it in middle school. You
might want to talk to her about when she will be able to
wear it. You might want to do a girls day and go to a
department store and get made up together (or do it at home.
Let her make you up and you make her up.) Go get a
manicure/pedicure together (or do it at home). She may need
some mom and me time without little sister. Good luck. She
is growing up.

If she wants to try makeup, help her choose makeup that is acceptable for school and age-appropriate. I wanted to wear makeup at age 12 - I wish my mom would have just helped me by showing me which shades were good for me and how to apply it - I am embarrassed to think back about the ton of unflattering makeup I would layer on my face every day!

The acting out is so typical at that age...
You may want to remain compassionate rather than constantly doling out the punishments because that will only make her attitude worse and give her more ammo - not to mention make her sneak more. I don't mean let her walk all over you, but just listen to what she has to say and remind her you are on her side so there is no need to take a nasty tone and talk back. Choose your battles - ease up on the stuff that probably won't hurt in the long run, and put your foot down with the big stuff.

Good luck!

it's hormones, mamma....maybe try some one on one time with her.....and get your husband involved too...girls have a special relationship with their dads.....maybe dad could take her out for breakfast or ice cream...i so miss those times with my dad....just a little more attention....and gramma too.......in fact, get everybody on board....now i don't mean coddling to her every demand...just things like, big brother and her go to the movies.....small stuff adds up when you're overcome by hormones......and do set boundries.....and do not accept nastiness.....think of this time with her as practice for the next one lol......good luck, and i promise: she'll be fine.....

You've gotten a lot of great advice here from mothers who have been through all this. I don't know that finding a bigger house is a possibility for you, but I do think that showing love and compassion for your mother demonstrates something important to your children.

Compassion is really the word of most days when my 12.5 year old is moody. At 11, she was a terror some days and completely sweet and funny on other days. Things seem to have leveled out a bit lately. When my daughter got funky and ugly, I tried really hard to remember what it felt like to be that age. I see her straining so hard for freedom, privileges and responsibility, but she's still immature. Yes, she's screamed 'I hate you' (just this past weekend actually) and slammed the door (ditto). But she calms down and then we talk. No, it's not okay for her to be disrespectful, but we talk about that when things are calmer. Picking your battles.

My daughter has also tried to scoot out of the house on school days with make up on. It's a no go. But I did buy her some eyeliner and stuff that she can use with her friends. We even went to Sephora one day and played with the testers. But it's still not okay for school. Find out if there's a school rule about make up. That can be a good back up.

When my daughter goes crazy, I try to feel my love for her. Sounds nutty, but I think of the whole package of who she is. Temper tantrums and all. Teens and pre-teens actually have a lot in common with toddlers. Setting clear limits for her and being consistent helps. Staying calm and not escalating to her emotional level is also helpful.

Richard B. Cohen in a parent ed seminar talked about expectations and that willingness is something you can expect from your kids. Especially in adolescence.

Another thing I used from Richard in dealing with my daughter was the idea that I have self respect. "I don't let anyone talk to me that way. (emphasis on anyone)' Also, why would I take a snarling, unpleasant creature such as yourself over to a friend's house? What's in it for me to run you around? You won't set the table, but I'm supposed to drive you somewhere? Hmmm...interesting....

Best of luck.
D.
www.betweenparents.org

Hi L.,

Welcome to the wonderful world of female adolescence -- fasten your seat belt, you are in for one wild ride!

The average age for onset of puberty is 9 for girls in the US. You probably won't see menses for another couple of years, but in the mean time, hormones are starting to ramp up to get the process under way. Think of 24/7 PMS.

You've gotten some really good advice already from other moms. One person recommended the "listen, mirror, validate" method of communication and I whole-heartedly agree with this. I suggest you also read "How to Talk to Kids so They Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. You can find it online, in the library, and at most book stores. In my opinion, this is a book that every parent should read. If you want to delve deeper into the psychological aspects of adolescence, you should also take a look at Haim Ginot's classic "Between Parent and Child."

Also, even though your child is seeking her independence and testing you at every step, you need to remember that YOU are the parent, you get to set the ground rules, make the decisions, and mete out repercussions. Pick your battles, but stick to your guns. Tell your daughter that her language/attitude/dress/whatever is unacceptable to your standards and that she must abide by your rules. Give her clear repercussions for direct disobedience or disrespectful attitude, then follow through. In many respects, early adolescence is almost like dealing with a toddler again.

Don't misunderstand me -- you don't need to be harsh or overbearing, just be firm and consistent. Also, recognize that your daughter is mirroring attitudes portrayed in the media. What is she watching on TV? What are the teenagers doing on those shows? How do they act? How do they dress? How do they interact with their parents? Your daughter is looking to them as role models, and much of what is portrayed on TV is NOT positive or realistic behavior, IMHO (try watching Gossip Girl and some of the other shows that protray Hollywood's image of cool, trendy, wealthy teens and you'll get my drift). You should watch some of her shows with her, then talk to her about TV portrayals vs. reality, as well as how others will perceive her.

BTW, my DD went through a similar period between the ages of 12 to almost 15. She's coming out the other side of it now at 15 1/2. We have far fewer arguments and they're more like discussions now. The snottiness is disappearing and her sweet personality is begining to shine through again. And, miracle of miracles, she's actually no longer embarrassed to be seen with me again (if you haven't hit this yet, you will!). I can see the relationship shifting toward adult interaction about 85 to 90% of the time and the closeness we enjoyed in earlier years is returning. Hang in there -- you and your daughter will get there too!

R.

Hmm..that's kind weird for her year, she have to leard to wait her 15 years and to don't become a girl that everyone could hates.

Show her rules! you're her mother, you protect her and show her things until she become older..
You could ask your big son for help.

My brother helped me when i was young, he helped me to don't cry when i don't have to, he made me stronger.

If she dosn't lisen everything..punish her..i now will be hurt you, but you have to, for the good of her

Good luck! =D

Hi L.! I have a 12 year old daughter and I went thru this too. First let me say that she's probably acting up because she needs attention. Your mom has moved in and she is ill. This is probably putting strain on your daughter. Girls are very emotional! Has she began her cycle yet? Once that starts and gets into a pattern, it's much easier to 'know' when she's going to be more difficult. I can read my daughter and know exactly when it's coming.
I'd encourage you to get her into a sport or activity. She needs to find an outlet for her stress and trying to figure out who she is becoming and all this emotional mess she feels. She can't help a lot of what she does. Once you can understand that it makes it a little easier. I'd also encourage you to spend alone time with her away from everyone else. Go for ice cream, a coffee, whatever and just ask how she is....and the makeup thing...ya, she pulled that too...try taking her to the clinique counter and have them 'make-up' her face...very natural, no foundation, just a little natural eye showdow and a little mascara with a great lip gloss and see how she reacts...maybe she needs to wear just a little to make her feel good. I know it's young...but once I allowed my daughter light eye shadow, mascara and lip gloss...ther's been no fights and no sneaking around. And it looks very nice on her. Best of luck to you...Give her a lot of love!!

Welcome to the teenage years for girls.

YES, they start this young.

First, it sounds like she is looking for a little extra attention, possibly because of grandma being thier and needing your attention.
second, she is trying to fit in with the girls at school, yes, some mothers allow make-up and shaving in elementary school. I hated this because they are so young. But the way I see it is it's time for a mom and daughter talk. Let her know you think she is to young, and you want her to wait till 12 to where eye shadow or mascara or whatever you feel is right for a 12 year old. I only allowed 1 make-up a year, so at 12 it was eye shadow at 13 it was mascara, 14 it was foundation. Though my 2nd daughter, used mascara at 12, and still doesn't use anything else, she is 13 1/2. She has olive skin where Jennifer & I are white, so she looks like she is wearing eye shadow already.
Third, shaving I allowed them to start when they got hairy arm pits.

Fourth, with the attitude don't allow it. If she treats you bad treat her the same way. If you ask her to do something and she doesn't then don't do things for her. Example: If you ask her to do the laundry and she doesn't then you don't take her to her friends or the store or anywhere when she asks you, even if it's for something for school. You simply say NO I don't want to, or I'll do it when you do the laundry I asked you to do.

Be tough, and strong, throw this attitude back at her. Then when she asks you why you say: The world works if everyone is working but if some don't want to then it doesn't work. We help each other out, we can't all be doctor's, because then their wouldn't be farms to make the food we eat, or construction people to make roads and build houses. This is our family and it works the same way, you want me to drop what I'm doing to help you then you get to help me with the things I can't get to.

The End, She will figure this out. Good Luck J.

Wow,it sounds like you have alot on your plate! I have girls that age and older, and it sounds like part of what's going on is typical obnoxious girl stuff. Do you think it's possible that she' responding to all the changes that are going on around her? While they're unavoidable I can see where it might be stressing her out.

While we all want to run screaming when our kids get like this,this is the time when they need us the most. Perhaps you can find a quiet time, maybe take her for ice cream etc. and let her know that you get it, that changes are going on around her and within her but she can't be hateful. It's really important to keep all lines of communication open. I've always tried to help my kids come up with the words to better explain how they're feeling, rather than exploding.

Do keep a close eye on her - these are the times when they start to believe they're old enough to do whatever they want. Good luck

wow this is such a time for her and you. do you think she feels as if shes not getting as much attention now as she did before? many girls go through the want to wear make up at this age to feel and look older. maybe you could compromise with her and instead of lipstick try a light colored lip gloss and some light light blush. then she gets to wear makeup without looking like a little clown (you know what i mean lol) with too much on. you may even let her get her own body spray (baby powder or vanilla scented). this may help curb her make up want. as for the rudeness and attitude just re explain the rules again and tell her if she doesnt follow then there will be consequences to her actions. good luck! (some people say this stage doesnt end until they move out lol)

I feel your pain - I've got 2 teenagers! So I feel for you and it's so great that you're trying to do something about it. There's nothing worse than this kind of behavior because it can lead to so many negative things, for her own self socially as well. No one likes to be around this kind of person. Even though it seems so hard when she's like that, she needs love and patience. Remember to try to stay unemotional, and matter of fact. For instance, with the makeup thing, just a simple statement from you like "I'm sorry you made the choice to wear make up. You know you're not allowed to do that til you're older. If it happens again, you will be grounded from playing with friends all week." Look her in the eye and just smile - yes I know it's hard, but she needs to know you love her anyway and that you understand how she feels.
I can't help but think that it couldn't hurt to perhaps let her see how some "under-privileged" or ill children live. Let her volunteer a little time at the children's hospital, perhaps donate a few toys and bring them over. Or bring her to a shelter for women and children with a donation. Just something to change her perspective. Also, something I try to remember about my own kids is, if they were always loving and wonderful as kids, they will return to that personality after all the hormones have subsided!
M.

kids are going to do what you allow them to do, just because you & hubby are busy have different schudeles you can still be on the same page with discipline, I do not read you talk about the discipline ? so take the make up away.. if she doesn't do what you ask her to do , fine when she comes home from school reaches for the tv it doesn't work. Or her favorite thing to do , its no longer available.. just because she has to adapt to different living arrangements it doesn't give her the right to be mean.. and why are you putting up with it, your the boss.. let her know this. Bedtime could be at 7 pm

I guess they are crazy. How can this little girl girl find any privacy or get any attention? The competition is too fierce for the small rescources that are available. Talk to her about it, let her know there is something better to come and find time -FIND TIME- to be with her. This may be part of her nature and she will grow up somewhat nasty, but the seed of it is here and now. She needs something she is not getting. If she is just a pain to you she will be a pain.

Dear L.,
I've read through most of the postings and while I'll agree hormonal changes are coming into play here, I think the biggest problem you have going is she is feeling lost. That may sound strange, in a two bedroom apartment there's not much place to hide. There is so much going on, Everyone needs attention and I'll bet she feels angry because she is feeling lost in the shuffle. It is easy to tell you that you need a bigger place to live, but come on, I am sure that if you could, you would. So, you need to focus on what you can do to make the situation best for all. This may be more than you can do on your own. Start with some one on one time with your daughter. Tell her that you are concerned and ask her why she is so angry all the time. Ask her what will make it better. Get her thinking about her behavior and the situation in a positive manner. Show her that you love her and care what she thinks. Perhaps you can find some counseling services in your area. Living in cramped quarters such as you are doing is very stressful. Did this start after your mother moved in with you? What kind of relationship does your daughter have with her grandmother? Does she participate in taking care of her? Can she read to her? Talk to her about how you feel about your mother, how important it is to be doing this right now. Can you get her enrolled in some after school activities where she is doing something fun? I agree that 11 is too young to be wearing makeup and that just sounds to me like a cry for attention-LOOK AT ME! Do you have a sister or cousin or friend who can take her out for tea once in a while and talk? I really think this is just beyond discipline.
Blessings to all of you,
A.

Hi L.,

I have a 10 year old daughter that is doing some of the same things. She has an attitude at times, acts like I'm bothering her, that I've suddenly become dumb. I just look at her and say in the most pity ridden voice I can muster "OH I'm SO Sorry your getting teenage brain damage early." " I thought you'd be normal for a few more years." Then I walk away. I ignore the temper tantrums, etc. and at first it took her 30 minutes to an hour to return to normal, now when I say it she self corrects - "MOM I don't want to be teen brain damaged."... to it I say well the only one that can make that choice is you.
In regards to make-up... I did it and that was the '80's. No she can't wear it. But its just a test, and you passed.
Find some "girl time" if you can and sit and talk with her even if its just 15 minutes while waiting for the pasta to cook... it really helps.
Your doing a fine job.
L.