Mom of 4 Going Crazy

I took every thing out of my daughters room. Her tv, radio, cell phone, just left the bed and dresser in tell she learned to clean her room and lesson to me. I gave it back to her. I didn't yell at her or say any thing. I just said you have only to day to get the room clean. The next day while she was at school. The room was not cleaned I went in there and took everything out and cleaned it. It worked for me. now she knows if she don't keep it clean every thing comes out in tell she can learn to keep it clean.

S.,

I have a few suggestions. I am sure nothing I will say is new but sometimes it helps to be reminded how much we really know. My first question would be what do you do when they don't respond? My guess is that you might nag, remind again, beg, plead and then get quite angry. The truth is that the kids are trained in how to respond. When they were little and didn't want to take a bath you may have asked but you certainly then took action. You would pick them up kicking and screaming if necessary and give them their bath. It wasn't a question of IF they would take a bath but rather a question of HOW they were going to get in there. I know as a parent I get in to trouble when I start to negotiate and give them reasons not to do what I ask. One example is clearning off the table after dinner. My kids always want to watch some tv show and beg for me to make an exception in my request. I find that as I gave in they started to make that their strategy to get out of my request. Bottom line, they are getting something out of their behavior and they won't change it until it doesn't work for them anymore. That means you have to DO something. It is not about asking or explaining more they know what you want. So let them make a choice of not doing it but make sure you do something like take away a privilege until they comply. Everything is really a privilege and when you hit their "currency" or things that really matter to them you will have them up and moving on the first request. It takes some practice and consistency but you will be amazed at how fast you can turn this around. Remember it is not what you say but what you do that they respond to so don't raise your voice or get angry it won't get you the results you want.
Good Luck!

Revoke all privelages and clean out their room.. I had to with mine and they listen a lot better.. Just tell them they have a half an hour to clean and if they dont do it, go through there with a garbage bag. I just put the toys in the garage.. Trust me, once they realize you are serious they will clean it.. But you have to stick to it... My kids have a reward system, if my son isn't good in school, no video games or trampoline and he just has to read or do something he dislikes... Just be strong!

Hi S.!

You really do have your hands full! Don't worry, you and your children will be just fine!!!

First, you have to know that girls at the ages of 8 and 9 are very egocentric. Studies have shown that 8 and 9 year old girls truly believe the world revolves around them, which is ok but will need strict guidance so that they are able to mature out of that stage. Your four year old is in her mimmicking stage so you'll have to set consequences for your older daughters and make sure your younger daughter sees them being reprimanded so that she understands that their behavior is not the acceptable one.

I have three children and my daughter is 9. I know it's hard to try and discipline when there are so many other household and familial "things" to tend to but just retrain yourself to be able to "drop" what you are doing and make sure you follow through with your discipline. When my daughter defies me, I simply tell her she has to go to her room for 10 minutes because she is "not allowed to treat me that way". Yes, you will probably get the tantrum and the screaming but bear with it and eventually you'll just have a stomping to the room result. It takes time but it will eventually work. And you will get the repeated "I'm sorry!!"; "I said I was sorry!!!", but just hold fast and follow through with the consequence/discipline of the 10 minutes in her room. I know it doesn't sound like a lot of time but it does diffuse any anger and frustration and you'll be able to talk to her afterward and explain to her how her defiance, rudeness, disrespect, etc. hurts your feelings and ask her how it makes her feel speaking to you in such a manner. Just be calm and patient and know that results are not immediate.

As far as your 16 year old, I would do the same but his consequences should be much harsher, such as no car or even worse, no going out on the weekend. Yes, you'll have a very angry boy on your hands but simply say, "go to your room for 20 minutes and when YOU feel you are calm enough to speak to me in an adult manner, come out and we can talk about the situation". This way, you are giving him the responsibility of calming himself down and deciding when he is ready to talk. He will also come to realize that he is responsible for himself, which will make him feel "more adultlike" and make it easier for you because he will be able to view you as his parent and not his "mommy", who is expected to do everything for him. I say this because I have a friend who has a 16 yr old son and she says she treats him like an adult but when he does anything he isn't supposed to, he knows there are consequences and "mommy" must step in.
There are many links to research and get answers from. I found a few to get you started:

http://www.dltk-kids.com/articles/behaviour.htm

http://www.siue.edu/~jejewel/Defiant%20children.html

http://www.crisiscounseling.com/Articles/RaisingChildrenD...

http://www.dpw.state.pa.us/Child/BehavHealthServChildren/...

http://www.ciccparenting.org/NewsLetters/Defiant_Children...

http://www.schwablearning.org/articles.aspx?r=776&WT....

Take care!
D.

Mother of 5 here and I can completely understand what you are going thru.

Every now and then my 3 older boys try and do this with me. Finally I did the bagging up of their stuff and took it to the shed. I took their tv, toys, all of their electronics etc. They thought they were going to be smarter then me. They went out to get the stuff out of the shed and found I had put a combination lock on it. Even worse then a key lock because they couldn't find a combination. ;) I told them they had to keep all of their school stuff off the floor and beds made for a week to earn back their items. Needless to say that worked. Tough love is really the way to go. I had to learn to put my foot down when I realized these boys were walking all over me and I didn't want the 3 year old and 1 year old to become just like them.

If they try fighting or anything like that, walk away and ignore them. My favorite thing when I get tattling, if you aren't bleeding or hurt, I'm not going to hear it. Tattling has stopped, fighting has hit an all time low and they have begun helping out with things without being asked. Also, if your 16 year old is driving now, take away his keys to the car. Let him know that he has two feet and if this attitude is going to keep going, he's going to become very well acquainted with them.

You can do it but you must stick with it. If they see you not follow thru even one time, they will be onto you fast and you will be back in the same place as you are now. Kids need routine and stability no matter what the age.

Well I hope you're doing okay. One thing i've learned is that it is really difficult to get them to clean their rooms everyday. On weekdays when my 10 and 8 year olds get home from school they spend about half an hour winding down talking to me how their day went then they start their homework if they have any. They always ask to go play outside but before doing that I play at least 2 of their favorite songs and in that time they have to get as much done as they can. As for my 15 year old, her room can be a mess all week but come the weekend or an event taking place during the week, she can't go until it's done. I usually pick something fun to do with my 4 yr old, but ask if he can help me clean up just a little before we start the fun stuff. Hope this helps. Married raising 4 boys and 4 girls.

Stick to your rules and FOLLOW THROUGH. Consistency is key here. Don't be afraid to discipline your kids. At this point in their lives they need you to be the authoritative figure and they need boundaries and stability. Seek the support of your husband as well. You will always need to present a united front to your kids. Best of luck to you and your family.

Hey, first i wanna say kudos to you for raising four children that is awesome. Have you tried setting a time limit when you tell them to clean thier rooms and then whatever is still out of place at the end of the time limit you put in a big bag or box to throw in the garage or put out of sight for a week. My girls got the message after the first two times of going a week without thier fav toys. I have found that with my kids when i toughen up on one subject they listen better on everything else too. Its like a little switch gets flipped that says in neon letters "Mom really means business when she tells us something" I hope this suggestion helps. OH, yeah i usually give my girls 30 minutes to an hour depending upon the mess they have to clean up. My girls are 5 and 3 by the way.

There is a GREAT book recommended by my doctor it is "Parenting with Love and Logic" It should help you with your younger children.

S.,
My friend had a problem with her two sons not cleaning their room. She went in with a trash bag and "cleaned up" for them. They were allowed to have their stuff returned when they could show they could take care of their things better. When they did their chores well, they would be able to get one or two things out of their stash in the garage. It was a little drastic, but now, when she tells them to do something, even beyond cleaning their room, they listen. Give them concequences to their actions. If they do not listen, they do not get to watch tv, or whatever activity they like to do.
Be consistent, and most of all, both parents should be on the same page, and be in agreement. We began an allowance system for my 5 year old. WHen he does his tasks, like cleaning his room, picking up his toys in the living room, bringing me his dirty laundry from his bedroom and bathroom, he gets a check worth 5cents. We add it up at the end of the week, and he gets to buy something. It seems to be working well.
Good luck.

Hey there Mom of Four! First of all, KUDO's to you for keeping your sanity first of all. I have a set of 13 year old twins (boy/girl) and my daughter is just like that. If there are no consequences, they will not listen. For me, it is really hard to stick to that, because I always hate the feeling that they will be mad with me. But when I do give her consequences and follow through, I will usually get an apology from my daughter. One of my consequences is that she will have to go and spend the day with her grandma (i know this is really terrible) because she is always so bored over there. But that is usually a quick turnaround in her attitude. My oldest son is 14 years old and that same threat usually works as well. Hope this kind helps :) Good luck!

2 items of thought:

1. Do they defy your husband?
2. Do you and your husband deliberately ignore each other?

Either way, a little bit of family counseling might help. I LOVE www.NoGreaterJoy.org , but it might be a little late - esp. for the 16 year old.

I agree with Shelly H. I think this behavior probably started way before now, you have to teach them to mind and respect you when they're little. BUT, I don't think it's too late, just decide on a consequence for everything they don't mind you on and stick with it. Also, just for kicks, maybe try ignoring them when they want something from you...see how they like that! LOL

ok, this may sound harsh but this worked when I was a child because we hated to keep our room clean and pick up after ourselves etc....(there are 4 children in my family too)--my mother would go nuts- so finally she picked everything up off of our floors-everything...clothes, toys, games whatever was not in there places and she basically put it in a garbage bag and said she was taking it to kids who wanted to take care of it, or to the garbage but basically she said it's not ours anymore, because we cant take care of it. We would get upset and beg her to not throw it away- she would then tell us to put it away, and whatever is not put away it goes to the trash.

The 16 year old should know better, you should definitely take away something of his that is meaningful to him and not let him have it- video game, driving permit, stereo, ipod-whatever is meaningful to him- until he helps out. The 9 & 8 year old should have specific jobs around the house that they are expected to do- easy things that help but you dont have to worry they will mess up- such as vacuum, cleaning off table after meals, putting dishes away etc.
the 4 year old could be your "special helper"...make guidelines in your house for them to follow- when they do follow them make sure they know they are doing a good job- when they dont follow them, do something that will punish them- take something away etc.
good luck.