Mom Needing Some Comfort

Oh, man, B., this is a tough topic.

As far as comfort goes, I can only say I've survived it with three kids and an intact marriage. My spouse went from Navy, to security guard, to county cop, to city cop and is now looking into federal positions after obtaining his BA. I know a lot of other military/police wives, and it takes a delicate balance and a lot of hard work from both sides.
Our middle daughter is ADHD with sensory issues, and has a terrible time dealing with change and departure. I've found my consistency and reactions are more influential than the amount of time dad's gone, or how scary the news is (another parent at Kindy asked me in front of my kids about the death of one of my husband's fellow officers). During Navy deployments (and the police academy), we'd fill a jar with jelly beans for every day daddy was supposed to be gone, and take one out every day, so the kids had a visual reference. We also wrote a lot of letters, had a consistent routine, and answered the same questions over and over and over again.

It sounds harsh, but don't be afraid to consult the professionals. A family counselor can mediate before the decision is made, so that "every thing's on the table", as well as provide support and resources for you in case things get crazy while he's gone. Web resources for military families as well as the police officer's guild are good reading for suggestions and support groups.

Good luck, and know that if it's truly his passion, he won't likely be happy in any other field.

Hi B.,
I can understand your fear, as you are unsure of what your husband would really be doing, I would suggest you look up that Job Discribstion and then sit down with your husband and talk it over. Not only to calm your fears but to find out what he really wants in life. I know I would not want my husband to be changing professions every few years in the area's he is going into. Ground rules need to be set for both of you. I also beleave that the job of a DI agent will also requirer him to be away from home as he would not be working just in the area you live.
I have a 4 1/2 year old son, he is border line FAS and does not do well with change now, before he was able to understand change was total living hell. But he has the ablity o understand now that he is older where as that is not the way it is where your daughter is concered and then with a toddler to boot. I don't feel sorry for you, I admire you to unde go such a very hard BUT rewarding life.
I do suggest you contact differnt Austim support groups in your area as they will be able to give you the best insight on dealing with your daughter, not just where this is concered but in everyday living.
If you had the funds (and most of us don't) I would frist have a daddy doll made for her to have when daddy is gone for any period of time that is differnt from the norm. Then if he did decide to go for the DI job, sometime before he left I would start having him stay away for short periods of time going into days even a week or so, she needs to learn daddy will go away BUT he will come back. a week to a child is like forever. But who has the money for a husband to take mini vacations even a few blocks away. It would also be good for you to do it to only a day or so then she will know people go away and then come back,
This will only work depending on the degree of her austim is. Makes tapes of daddy reading to her ect..
there are so many things to try and I could just go on and on.
Good Luck
R.
____@____.com

I have a bit of a hard time relating because I married a warrior type who was already in the career when I met him. (Army and law enforcement.) The girlfriend he had before he met me decided she wasn't thrilled about his career and wanted him to change - but I always thought that was completely unfair and unrealistic to want to change someone. But, having said that - it's YOUR husband who is trying to change things. That's not fair. Any dramatic career change MUST be a joint decision.

You have expressed valid concerns about the safety of a federal law enforcement professional. (I worked as a federal officer myself, so I can tell you that from my perspective the work is not even close to being as dangerous as television likes to portray it. For the most part, it's 90% sheer boredom! And there is a DEFINITE need for DEA and FBI agents who have backgrounds in accounting, pharmacy, biology, and just about everything else you can imagine - because most investigations ARE done through auditing!) He shouldn't ignore your concerns about safety - and should present you with all of this information.

Your concern about your daughter and the TDYs (temporary duty that involves travel) is also extremely valid. His number one obligation is to his family. It's fine and dandy to want to fantisize about an exciting new career - but parents (and spouses, for that matter) simply do not have that luxury.

If I were you, I would calmly and factually explain your concerns to him. (No emotion. No tears. No shouting. Just the facts, ma'am. Just the facts.) Focus heavily on the fact that he's talking about changing the future for the BOTH of you - not just himself and focus on the impact of travel on the children. If you married a good guy, I'm sure he'll open his eyes to how you are feeling!

f course this affects your girl. Children in general don’t handle so well change. Children with autism crave routine even more and get upset at sudden changes.

By the way you are telling this, it looks like you and your husband have not really talked this together. It looks more like he’s made his mind up and told you. These kind of decisions need to be made together, after all you are a couple.

Simply explain your side of things and be honest about the way you feel. If you think this is not good for your family, don’t feel guilty about saying so. I’m sure you are capable of handling things yourself for 3 months but that does not mean you should have to. It’s great that you want support him but remember that it’s not only about him.

Good luck,
M..

B., your concerns are very real. One of my dearest friends in life was married to a very kind and caring man, until the day he let someone talk him into a job in law enforcement, something he had never wanted to do before. To sum it up in as few words as possible, he became a complete jerk, a very different man from the one she had been happily married to for several years. The callousness of his training and experiences changed him dramatically, into the "perfect" sheriff's officer - an unhappy and violent control freak, and he is a very poor husband and even worse father for it. She is staying with him for the sake of her children, trapped knowing that divorcing a cop is not a winning proposition, but they are all miserable. Also at this particular time in politics and society, our authorities are making increasingly unwise decisions regarding the type and content of training for their agents, so much so that many good ones are quitting in disgust because they refuse to be part of it (my own partner is one of those, and he says you better be prepared for a radical personality change). Please have a very long talk with your husband and see if you can find out what is possibly attracting him to this agency, and whether he understands the consequences to his family. You shouldn't feel like you are trying to change him or control him, you are trying to head off a disaster that he might be creating for you and your children, and that is absolutely your right. This is a choice that he cannot make on his own, because it does not only affect him. Not trying to scare you, but I am trying to forewarn you. You are nervous for a reason. {{{hugs}}}

Hi B.,

I don't know much about the DEA but it does sound scary to me. Although, investigated pharmacies doesn't sound like that is the scarriest postition in the department.

I do know about having a child with autism though and dealing when your husband is away. One of my 4 children is autistic. My husband travels frequently - now only for trips of 10 days or less but he has been gone for several months without much contact. He is contemplating taking a 3 month trip this upcoming year and I'm not looking forward to it.

The time he is away is very draining on me. There is no relief. We do have a respite provider that comes for a few hours a week so I can go out, but my son is so clingy and demanding that I can't get much else done besides take care of him. He's 14 now and bigger than me so I can't just pick him up and go when we need to.

I would also be concerned that you have a younger son too. Having two small children, one of who is autistic, is so demanding. If your husband does go, rally as much support around you as you can. Let people help you, come over and chat, or watch your children while you grab a nap, exercise, take a short walk or do something else good for yourself. Believe me, even a short trip to the grocery store alone is a special treat!

I wouldn't worry so much about your daughter forgetting him - but I would worry about changes in her behaviour. It is so hard because we can't explain things to them and if we could, who's to know what they really understand as they can't tell us. Sometimes, even the smallest changes in schedules or anything else can set off a violent change in their behaviour. It's amazing what they do pick up. Even other areas of stress in our lives they pick up and respond to. These changes are so difficult for everyone. If your daughter is on any medication, I would talk with her care provider and let them know of the upcoming changes. They may give you some extra medicine for especially difficult times or have some other advice.

Depending on what DDD program you are on or where you go for health care, there are behaviour support people that can also help get through these changes.

Good luck,

C.

B.,

I feel your pain!! My husband's ultimate life goal is to be a police officer. It still scares me spitless if I think about it too much. He hasn't been able to tell me how long/where his academy training would be, or if he'd be able to come home while in the academy. But, even though it's the last thing I want him to do, he completely lights up when he's talking about his classes that he took, or even just wanting to be a cop in (insert city here).

As for your daughter, I have no advice I don't know enough about autism. My knowledge could be held in a walnut shell. Is there any way you all could move.....nevermind, that would disrupt her routine that she needs. I really don't know what to say.

Hope this helps,
Best wishes,
Melissa

As a wife and mom with a husband in the military I can understand. First talk to your husband so he at least understands your concerns. Not all jobs with the DEA would have to be dangerous and they do take precautions.
Next it is never easy for kids to be separated from daddy or have routine disrupted and I am sure it is worse with special needs children, so get a support system. You need friends to just talk to and someone to call up for childcare or to just go shopping with you and the kids so you aren't doing it all alone.
If your family isn't around here, when he goes to training you take the kids to visit family. My husband was in a month long training when my daughter turned a year so we went to my parents and celebrated her birthday there (and later at home).

I can understand your reluctance to have him in this field, even if it isn't dangerous. I'm a military wife, and I know that even though one spouse holds the job, both of you make it work. You will have to do as much to make his job successful as he will because you will have to compensate for his absences (if there are any), support him when the stress gets to him, and help him deal with the frustrations of government work. ANd having the added challenge of an autistic child means that he needs to slow down and consider what the impact of this decision will be on you.

So it makes sense that this is a decision that the two of you make together. My parents have a compact that they never make life-altering changes unless both of them are comfortable with the change, and they have never regretted it. My husband and I have adopted the same policy, and so far so good. I would ask your husband to secure more concrete information about what his job will require of him in terms of duties, hours, weekends, travel, etc, anything that will cause stress on your family. If he can allay your fears in that regard, then you need to talk about support for you while he's gone. He needs to help you put together a support team. It wouldn't be fair for him to expect you to do all the adjustment by yourself.

Finally, if he does go for the job, find yourself a community to be a part of. I'm sure you have autism support groups in your area. THey exist almost everywhere. FInd more general support too. I don't know what I would do without my church and the general help and encouragement they provide.

HAng in there and God bless.

Wow! B.! I commend you on sharing your story. Sometimes we feel as mothers, wives...etc. that we must strap on our "wonder woman" capes and make like everything is dandy. From your words it sounds like your husband is still on the journey to find himself? Is he sure that taking up this new career is beneficial now an is he ready to see it through without changing his mind again? Have you asked him that? Maybe you both can evaluate together if this is the right time to pursue it or can he come back to it when things settle in with your daughter. Just a suggestion! -S.

Hi B.! You are surely in a tough situation! I think though that you are stronger than you think, and that God is not going to give you anything you can't handle! I think sharing your concerns with your husband, and then following up with pledging your support for whatever he wants to do is important. And it is important that you mean it when you say it, so I would take some time to really think and pray (if you are religious) about it. Is there a way for you to go with him to the east coast for those 3 months? Or maybe spend half of the time there? Do you have any family or relatives on the east coast? I hope you guys work something out. One thing I've learned in my marriage so far is that regardless of whether or not I understand why he does some things and how he could be so different from how I used to know him, I love and support him through it, and it causes him to love me back and support me in the same way. I pray you find a solution:-) God Bless.

Wow. Well I know how it is to have a hub with a wondering career mind. since we have been married (four yrs in Aug) we has had three jobs. Everytime he tells me about something new i think i stop breathing. But he has not yet had to go away for any reason. And diffinitly not in the state of leaving when there is a special little girl who wont understand. is there any way you all could possibly go with him? Or would that be way out of the picture? Is there anything that would comfort her while he is gone? He has to understand that him leaving would create a problem at home. He should take that into consideration before making such a huge change. I dont have great advice but i will be thinking of you. let us know how things turn out.

I don't know if you can video conference while he's away, but it may be an option for your daughter. Practice this with her while he's not home for a few weeks before he goes. This may help her cope. If she could see him each night before bed or something, it all may not be such a loss for her. Also, if he does go, talk to friends and family about how difficult it will be for you and your daughter and ask for their help. Maybe they could give you a break a couple of times a week or even just one day for 2 hrs. Then you do something you enjoy or want to accomplish. I believe that allowing your spouse to follow their dreams will enhance the relationship, as they will be happier and your life will most definately change and grow. It is also great for children to see their parents succeed.

I know it sucks to be you, but it is temporary. My sister did the same thing when her hubby went to Coast Guard basic & A-school. I can tell you that it's really sweet when they come back. I am currently in my 3rd trimester of my 4th child and the current youngest is nicknamed Demon Baby. In my pregnancies, the last trimester involves daily pain as my pelvis and spine have severe issues, basically they fall apart and I can barely walk. It's like this for about 3 months. I tell myself, "I'm trading 3 months of hell for a lifetime of something special." It helps keep it in perspective. We're all here to chat if that's what you need.
-S.

Hi B.,

Is it possible that there is more to this than your husband switching jobs? Is it something you have discussed? I agree with the post who suggested counselling. I personally think that anyone who is married should do that, or even people considering marriage.

If you have not discussed it, i say communicate about the issue! It is so important that children see their parents on the same page. When we have things like this come up, we pray about it and then decide together. :) I suggest that to many people. :)

As for your daughter, i would say that there are many options. One is to try a product we use called 3 LAC. You can get it on www.globalhealthtrax.org I highly recommend this and Jenny McCarthy used it for her son to treat autism.

I can really empathize because my husband is very strong willed. Though he loves our family very much, he does not always consider US in every decision. We have recently been working on this issue more and more. Like everything in marriage and life, it is a process.

Truth be told, we are both fairly strong willed, and have to step back to access things without emotion which is challenging. My best advice is to discuss it as well as to pray about it. I used to be skeptical of that until I started doing it, and oh the results!

Blessings,

K.S.

I do understand autism a bit and have one suggestion. If your husband does take the job and need to leave for training. Have him make a calendar with your daughter that counts down how long he'll be gone. That brings abstract time into concrete since she can look at it and see the number of days until he returns. I've used this same general technique with a number of autistic clients and it's worked wonders!

Hi B....I don't have any help for your fears about your husband's job, except to pray...hopefully you already have been doing that.

I do have a comment about your child's autism. I have been working in the wellness industry for the past 8 years and have become more and more aware of the relation to toxins in our everyday cleaning and personal care products affecting our health...especially the health of a child. Autism is one condition that may have links to chemicals in these products.

I have been using safer, more natural products for the past 8 years. If you would like any additional information about this, please let me know.

This is my personal website: www.momsaremywhy.com

Hope everything works out for the best for your little family.

D.

The fact that you are reaching out for help on this issues honestly tells how worried and concerned you are, and he should understand this if you reach out and talk to him about it.

My best advice would be to ask him to re-examine other alternative careers that would be interesting for him. Ask him to explore other options, other directions, explaining that you just don't feel right about this one, that your daughter wouldn't be able to process it and it may be too much for you all. Exploring other career directions can actually be fun for you both, and perhaps this will result in better future plans, while keeping your daughter's emotions and security stable, the family staying together.

B.,
First of all, I know how difficult a child with autism can be. As you have probably noticed, she needs what she knows as normalicy. Change can make life terrible for all that are around her. She can upset the whole household, including her baby brother. How much is your husband involved with her daily routine? Does she want to know where he is all the time?
I agree that this is really an issue that you and your husband need to discuss. You have every right to speak how you feel about this and also be a voice for the kids. He may not be thinking about how this is going to upheave everybody, only that this is what he is intersted in and bring home the money. Most men focus so much on financially supporting their family that they loose sight of being emotionally supportive and the importance of being present.
I wish you the best. Be strong no matter the choice!!!

Hi B.,
I am a mother of a 6 year old autistic son. I completely understand how you feel. Have you spoke these concerns with your husband? surely he will understand your concerns. The other thing I would do is pray about it. I do not know you and your faith but prayer has been our ultimate survival package on this Autism roller coaster. We have tried everything under the son but prayer is what sustains us.
I hope to be of some help to you since I know your day to day struggles. Those struggles are making you strong if you just believe it and know that God is in control, we're not.
Good luck and God Bless.

This is a very hard thing. I would talk to your husband about his why. Why does he want to do this. Also, do some homework to see exactly whats involved and if there are other options for him that would fulfill his why. It is hard to live together and try to be there for each other but also follow our dreams sometimes. I believe that you need to be honest and open (not emotional) about the consequences of him leaving. Maybe you could get an apartment where he will be training, or stay with him rather then dealing with the seperation issues. Explore all options WITH him and be supportive in his desires. Not going along with it, but understanding why he would want it. He does need to consider the family in his decisions but you cant FORCE him to do that. Most men shut us out when we get emotional or upset over something and will do it anyway so just stay calm and be reasonable and hopefully he can find something you both can live with. Good Luck, Jen

My husband just finished school a year ago also with a degree in teaching and when he graduated he realized that teaching was not for him. I understand the frustration of going through school and then realizing that wasn't what he wanted. Fortunately my husband has recently found his dream career and it does not require him to move away from us for training. We've been through some rough times trying to figure out our future and help him find a way to the career he most wants. I like you find it important to support my husband. But what I have learned from this is that even though he may be chasing a good dream, that he still needs to make sure that the family comes first. Try to talk it out with him and find a way that he can follow his dreams in a way that doesn't sacrifice the needs of the family.
I would love to meet you and talk if you want. I have boy who is almost two-years-old and a brand new baby.
D. Jantzen ###-###-####.

I don't even know what to say - never having dealt with something like that (that whole never been married thing). Does he know how it will affect her? Are there steps you can take with her therapy in order to lessen the seperation issues? Can you use a webcam during his absence so she can still see him and talk to him?? I'm kind of reaching here....

I too am always happy to meet new people. Feel free to get in touch off the website if you'd like. ____@____.com

A.

Hi B.!

I would LOVE to talk with you more!! I also have a daughter w/ autism!

I totally hear you when it comes to having your husband being away for long stretches when you have a child with special needs to deal with alone! I'm no expert on life in the DEA but I do know that most of the work within the ATF, FBI and DEA agencies is relatively mundane and NOT the stuff we read about it in mystery books and see on the news and in movies! Yes, it IS a big decision to switch from being a behind-the-counter pharmacist to taking on the role as a protector and advocate so there is some inherant risk. But, maybe this is his gifting: using his scientific and analytical brain to look for abberations and inconsistencies that stem from criminal activity in our society. Just a thought.....

Anyway, I want to invite you to join WAFAD, Washington Families for All Disabilities. You can find it at ____@____.com's an on-line listserve for parents (only) of kiddos with disabilities. We want to connect parents and families from all over the state!! Please join us!

G.

Hi B. this must be so tough on you. If your DH is really wanting to do this could you maybe try working on him slowly being away? So start one day then add two days with him coming back home? I know that autistic children have to have their routine and any disruption can cause those outbursts. I don't have a child with autism but I have worked with them. I can't think of any other options other than talking to your Ped.

S.

B.,
My husband is in Law Enforcement and we spend spurts of time with out him and get by okay. Considering your situation I hope you have a professional that you can talk to about the situation. I don't know enough about it to know how she'll respond, and long term too. At 4 years old maybe things will be different and there are things they could recommend her Dad do to be actively connected to her.
Don't you love it when men change their minds about major life stuff?;-)
Best Wishes to you!
Jenn

www.mysensaria.com/jenn

As the wife of a military man deployed for 18 months, and now also a Police officer, I have dealt with this difficulty of having my hubby gone for long periods of time. Although my son does not have autism, some of the tools we have used to help him understand daddy being gone would probably help alot for your daughter. Some ideas are:
1. creating a calendar to count down the days. Using smaller increments of time with a visual to help her connect the time to certain events might help her understand what is going on. Make sure to include important days, like birthdays, holidays, special activities (like a trip to the zoo, or the park or some other favorite activity) to break up the large amount of time he will be gone.
2. webcam- use the webcam to show her daddy periodically. This will help her to see him and talk to him.
3. Have him make a tape of favorite songs or stories that he can read or sing, an let her listen to it whenever she needs to connect to daddy.
4. Keep lots of pictures of him accessible.
5. Have him wear a shirt for a day or a few hours before he goes and let her keep it in her room or close by her so she can have his smell nearby. This was incredibly successful in helping the transition when my hubby came home!

These will also help your son adjust and better understand what is going on.

As for you, stay strong and remember that the training he will recieve will help to keep him safe in the future. Every time my husband leaves for work, he is carrying a weapon and could potentially be in a very dangerous situation. I have learned that it is my job to be supportive and help him to know that there is a very strong loving family waiting for him to come home each day! I know our support is what will get him through a life or death situation and keep him fighting to come home safe each day!

Hope this helps!!! If you need to chat while he's gone to school, email me and I'll be happy to listen, offer support, or whatever you may need!!! Take care and stay strong!!!

Well counceling is all the help you need.. Besides us!!

Have a great week!