Mom & MIL Maybe Visiting at the Same Time for Birth of 2Nd Child - Help!

I would say that the visits and the help are more than welcome, but a lot would be lost if they occurred at the same time. I would invite your Mother to come for a week or so after the baby is born (or during if you need someone to watch your first child while you go about the business of bringing the second into the world.) Then, ask your MIL to come for her longer visit after your Mother's visit block is over. Maybe they could overlap a day or so, but explain that you are wanting to make sure there is help and support there as long as possible by spacing them out. Don't mention any stress on you. They are coming with the intention of being some sort of "help" and probably are blind to the potential complications. Just one suggestion, but keep it honest but as non-emotional as you can. Congrats on your new addition.

I had exactly the same problem last year with both grandmas wanting to travel overseas (from France and Spain) to come assist me. I knew my mom will be great help and my MIL would require extra work (so, the opposite of your case).
I just told them. I called my MIL and explained her that having 2 guests at the same time at home would not be help at all, as nobody would know how to "share the chores" and instead of needed help, I would have chaos. I told her that I really appreciate her desire to help but would prefer if she could come later, and maybe share a day with my parents. That way, I would get "help" for 2 months instead of one. I also added that, this way, she wouldn't have to share the time with her grandchildren. I'm not sure how much she liked the idea but she accepted it immediately.
So, my parents arrived a few days before the birth, they stayed 1 month and my MIL arrived the day before they left. So, we have pictures with the entire family and I didn't loose my sanity.

You can explain the same to your mom. She should understand. How would she have reacted with the 2 grandmas at her house and a newborn? And tell her that as she came for the birth last time and MIL afterwards, you are now switching so that MIL comes first.

I wonder how it would be if you approach this from this aspect....Mom...I want to be able to really enjoy my time with you when you come to visit...and I want you to be able to enjoy the grandchildren. It would be so nice if you could come when the baby is about 8 weeks old, I would be recovered from the birth, we would be settled into a routine and you and I could really enjoy our time together.
When she asks, as she will, when the OTHER Grandma is coming to visit, just tell her that your husband hasn't discussed that with her yet.
OR...you could ask your MIL to wait 2 weeks to get there....let your Mom be there for the first 7 - 10 days, since you say that is all she will be able to stay anyway...and as she leaves...usher your MIL in!!! I get the feeling, from the way you talk about them that your MIL is more understanding and easier to talk to than your Mother...so maybe that would be the way to go...ask the MIL to adjust her travel..instead of your Mother.
I am afraid that you may be in for a difficult time with this...I keep thinking of my own Mother and how she would have reacted if I told her I didn't want her there when my children were born!! We Grandma's can get pretty possessive with our grandchildren...lol.

Schedule a c-section so you know exactly what day your baby will arrive (LOL) and schedule your parents.... I would purchase a plane ticket for both and tell them with the plane ticket that your are having a baby.... HOW CUTE of and announcement. Schedule for your MIL to fly out the day after the baby is born and you are still in the hospital and that way she can have a day or so to "prep your house" for you and baby's arrival home. Have her there the first week 7-14 days postpartum and then purchase your mom's ticket for when your MIL leaves. You do not have to tell your mom the exact date you are scheduled to delivery, just give her your due date. It will not even dawn on her for sometime that she is not there right away, because you will deliver prior to your exact due date. Once the information is let out of the bag, tell your mom that with two kids you really NEED her to come at a seperate time because you are in NEED of help longer since you will have 2 little ones. Tell her you are really "COUNTING on the help for at least the first month and this is the ONLY way you can not feel over-whelm and abandoned. If you put it that way, she will view it as her saving the day for her daughter. Tell her you scheduled her trip when you did, so that she also could be the one that stayed longer. LOL... It will make her feel so important, she will be happy to come later.
Now something did catch my eye in your post...... Girl, do not tell your MIL not to help out around the house and to leave the dishes, etc. That is what she is there for, to help you heal. Sit back and rest, heal and recovery you and baby from delivery. So many other cultures function this way.... I wish it was a practice we adopted her in the states.
Again, make your mom feel so important and needed that she will be happy with whenever she comes. Tell her the doctor said to make long term plans for help to recovery after surgery.... CONGRATULATIONS on your growing family... Good Luck!

Mom, I would be honest with both Moms and let them know you will let them know by X date, when would be a good time for each of them to visit. when baby is bout to be born and that you and huband have decided it will be better if they come one at a time once the baby arrives. Just tell them you and your husband are giving it some thought and will get bk to them on visits. Personally if it were me and MIL was not there for the 1st babies birth then I would think it you may want to consider having MIL come 1st to help out but of course it's your choice. So after the decisionj is made then you can call both bk set the dates they visit that are best for you. You are a mom and an adult now and should not be afraid to talk to your Mom/MIL honestly about what is best for you, your family and the arrival of the new baby. It my hurt one of their feelings for a while, but she will come around and you don't need the added stress of worrying about. I'd make the calls soon so you dont have to dwell on this for the next 6-7 months and can focus on getting ready for the baby. You can do this, good luck.

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I am not even going to read the other posts, cuz I don't want to know how anyone else has had it. That said, I would be so wonderful to have your problem. I have had four C-sections and really no one shows up to help for to long. My Father-in-law came and helped with the kids for three days with the last one, but once I was out of the hospital, he was gone. My husband stayed home with me for a month with the third one. Thank God. With the first baby, our apartment flooded and my husband was the emergency management director. He literally dropped me off at the door of the apt. and went back to work. When the second came my in-laws took my oldest for a few days but she was back with me before I left the hospital. When my third was born I had to take care of my second child while in the hospital so that my husband could go get his wisdom tooth pulled. My Mom and Dad usually show up and spend a couple of days, but they can't afford to stay long and they love to be around for the Baptism so rarely is it right after I get home. I don't know what to tell ya. I guess it could be worse? Enjoy them both. One day it will all be a big story to tell your kids.

Well good luck with it all!! I have both in the same city and still had to make sure and not step on toes;) How about asking your mom to come the second week post delivery? Your baby will still be super tiny so she will get to be with baby practically from day one but you will have a chance to get your bearings a bit. You could tell her something like "Mom, I so want you to be here when the baby comes, could you come the second week after birth so I will be a little bit more back to earth and have time to actually enjoy your visit? That would mean a lot to me." I think if you make it like she will be actually helping you and meeting your needs, it will help. That way MIL can come from day one and get you through the food making etc that first week. The first week really is the craziest, believe me, just did all this six months ago;) Now I wouldn't mention anything to mama about when MIL is coming. If she asks you could just say that your hubby is making those arrangements. It sounds like she is a fretter so if she is worried you won't have help, you can just tell her that hubby will be there and he will make sure you are taken care of. Now when she gets there and your MIL is there, if she asks, just put it all on your hub. That he planned for her visit and he was not groggy post baby, so he had her come on but YOU are so happy to be more alert and able to enjoy her. I know it sounds a bit shady, but well, you do what you have to at times!!;) Then she can stay for her week, you will have MIL there to do the grunt work and you won't be fresh out of delivery and dealing with drama. I do think asking her to wait 6-8 weeks is not a good plan. She is going to feel bad if she doesn't get to see her new grand baby, I am sure of that!! Good luck however you work it, regardless, you will make it and it won't be bad now matter how it all goes down:) Congrats on baby 2, they are awesome!!!

do exactly what you said. do not tell mom how long MIL is staying, and ask MIL to be vague when mom asks her how long she's staying. have her answer something like: soon. i'll be leaving soon.
with mom, when you extend the invite say that you will need her for 7-10 days. make it firm, and no ifs and buts. if she asks you how long is MIL staying say no longer than you, i don't think.
reason: mom is older. she gets tired easily, and she's not a great housekeeper. so what? she was like that i assume while you were growing up, so she's not going to change. 7-10 is plenty for her.
ps i wish i had had your problem after my c-section, instead i did it all by myself :(

My mom came for my first and was gracious enough to suggest that my MIL be there for our second. It worked out beautifully and was great to have the two weeks of extra help. They took care of the house, laundry, dinners, and I was able to focus on my baby. Good luck with your baby!!

I would talk to the MIL and ask if she wouldn't mind visiting after your mom does. Sounds like your mom would be a good distraction/playmate for your oldest. Maybe she can come before the birth and watch #1 while you and your husband are at the hospital? That would eat up a few days of her visit and allow your husband to be able to focus on you and the new baby for a little bit. Might also make the initial transition easier for your daughter if she has an extra adult to play with and pay attention to her. Then mom leaves and MIL comes to help with baby, oldest kid, and house right when the lack of sleep starts to hit. That way you would get extended help, your daughter would get more attention, and the grandmas don't have to share the grandkids. If they give you any guff, tell them you won't have the energy for both at once and they'll get more grandma time if they visit separately.

Good luck and congratulations!

Wow... well, you are the one having the baby.. .and you will need to tend to baby, that is the first priority.
Your Mom is high-needs, high-maintenance and needy and takes everything personally.
Even your Husband gets so stressed with her around.
It will be stressful with her around... but well she will be there.
Just be glad, there will be a time she will be leaving, after 7-10 days... and do NOT encourage her to stay longer.

Each Mom, has their own 'specialty'. MIL is great around the house. Your Mom is great at being a cheerleader. So, keep their 'role' expectations separate... and know their limitations. Don't expect something of your Mom, that is just not attainable.

Then, on paper or a chart... "organize' YOUR home and their "roles." Specify what YOU want, and what THEY can do or not.
Otherwise, you will have to spend a lot of time.... referring them and pleasing them and catering to your Mom. Which you shouldn't have to do... because you will have a new baby and need to nurse around the clock and bond with.... WITHOUT obstruction, by them.
AND hopefully, your Husband is not ousted, in this process/his time with baby/his time with you both bonding... and caring.
I would make sure... they both do not get in the way.. or your PERSONAL space... and needs, with your new baby AND Husband.
You will need PRIVACY too....

ALSO, if you do NOT want them there in your home and for the birth.. then STICK to that... it is YOUR and your Husband's wishes.

Or tell the Moms... that STAGGERED visits... would work best for you and the new baby... that way, you can have 'help' for longer, a longer time frame.... which is more "practical". After baby is born.

all the best,
Susan

While reading your post I had to blink a few times not to think that I hadn't posted it myself. MIL lives 3 doors down and sounds just like your MIL. Mom lives several hours away and is a great cheerleader and advocate, but was very high maintenance around birth time.

Here's what we did: We decided to ask my mom to wait a few days or a couple weeks (not months) when my husband could take time off from work more easily, and we gave the reason that we wanted some time for our family to just depend on each other for a little bit and get used to the new baby. I basically told her that before she came the last time everyone was pitching in nicely and then depended on her more than they should have once she got there (they stopped doing meals/laundry etc, and DH went back to work, he didn't feel as needed...I'll be honest it took us 'til the 6th baby before we had the gumption to ask her to do this.)

It was a relief to her to know that she didn't have to drop everything to come when I started labor, but had an actual date that she would arrive, and could plan for help with my grandmother for whom she was caring. When the baby came, she had the urge to see baby, but knew the plan, and couldn't leave my grandmother. By the time she came, we were looking forward to mom coming, and helping in the areas she wanted to help. We were ready to have her hold babies, just so we could get a little sleep.

Have mom-in-law come after and don't discuss length of stay...only when she's getting there...they could overlap a day or two...but let your mom know that you'd like to time it so that you have the maximum amount of help from both of your #1 supports.

(oh, and my husband felt the same way as yours :)

Prayer before pitching the plan always helps :)

Peace and happy birth to you :)

you're not being unreasonable. it's good you're thinking about this now and not waiting till you're in the situation and going nuts.

it sounds like you know what the best scenario is for you. DO IT. no questions asked. best scenario for the parents and newborn, and esp. mom, is THE only best scenario. they're coming to support you, right? they need to do it on your terms. so i suggest you lay out your ideal plan, state it as a decision, not a request, be really sweet about it, and be honest - say "this plan will keep us from getting too drained." PERIOD. no debates.

if that doesn't work, and they're there at the same time, capitalize on their strengths - tell your MIL how much her cooking ad cleaning means to you both, and encourage her to do it. that can be her "job." tell your mom how much her emotional support is needed. that can be HER "job," to make sure you and your hubby are taken care of and have enough privacy and space. then they each have a role they're great at, and no one's stepping on anyone's toes.

good luck! and have a WONDERFUL birth!

I haven't read the other responses so sorry if I repeat. Since it sounds like MIL is a little more easy going I would just ask her to come out 2 weeks after the baby is born and ask mom to come just after the baby is born (since it sounds like mom will really want to be there for the birth) or just prior to your due date. I don't know if telling your mom that you would like to keep her visit in the 2 week range because you will have to adjust to having two little ones without help would work but it is worth a shot.

WOW! I wish I had one person who could take 2 weeks to to help me when I have a baby, let alone 2, and 6-8 weeks?!!!! I think we got 3 or 4 days out of each mother. But I think I would have gone crazy with people around like that. I like to take care of my own family without extra people around. I just don't find parenting so hard that I need live-in help.
Just tell your mom that you know your step dad needs her so you'd like her to come for a week or so and then your MIL is able to leave her life behind and take care of you for a couple months. Don't lie to her, she'll find out somehow and be more hurt.

There are tons of woman everyday all across America that have births, even c-sections and don't have any help at all after. I not only had my babies, but didn't shut my daycare down and went back to many multiples of children including other infants.

It sounds like you just need to talk with your mom and tell her how it is. Tell her that MIL is more helpful to you functionally and that you will have her there longer because of that. Your mom is a big girl. As long as you are inviting her part of the time I'm sure she'll be happy.

Alternatively, ask MIL to not say how long she's been there and explain to her why. She hopefully would be caring enough to save your mothers feelings.

good luck........this would be so stressful for me