Miscarriage Advice

J.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages - one at 11 weeks and one at 7 weeks. In both cases, I had no indication or symptoms that anything was wrong. One had no heartbeat at the 11 week ultrasound, the second stopped developing. I had a DNC for both and had no real physical issues - a little bleeding and spotting, but no cramps or pain. The emotional drain was much harder. My doctor was very supportive and said that more times than not, a miscarriage occurs when there is something not quite right with the fetus - something wrong with the chromosome count, genetic disorder, physical problem. Some times the fetus just isn't strong enough to survive. He said that the body might have made a decision for me, that I wouldn't want to have to face at 17 or 18 weeks (what to do if the baby has a genetic disorder). He emphasized that it was probably nothing that I had done - eaten, exercised too much or incorrectly, etc. He also stressed that one and even two miscarriages, does not really affect the possibility of getting pregnant again and carrying the next baby to term. The fact that you have been blessed by two healthy children is a good fact in your favor. I was very depressed and my husband kept stressing that it wasn't meant to be. That the right baby would join our family when the time was right. Two years later, he was right and she is perfect.

Please have faith that things happen for a reason, even if you will never understand it. I wish you the best of luck in adding a healthy addition to your family. God Bless.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I has a 1st trimester miscarriage 7 years ago (I had 1 child at the time and now 2 more since). I had a D&C, and physically I healed fairly quick. It was a lot more emotional than I expected it to be. I ended up going to various support websites and just reading other people's stories helped me. I also wrote a letter to my "little angel" about everything about the pregnancy and how I was feeling. At the time I wanted to make sure I would never forget that I had another child, though I never got to meet him/her. I also went to a group called Empty Cradle. At the time I think they had monthly meetings, not sure if they still do. There is a memorial service every October. You can google them. It does take time to get over the loss, but don't apologize about how you feel. It's interesting when you tell people that you miscarried how many other people also have miscarried. If you have anyone you know that has has a miscarriage, try to talk to them, they will understand. And, yes, people mean well by saying that you are lucky to have 2 children already, but it can hurt, because you also wanted this one! If you want to talk/e-mail, I'm open to listening.

dear J., I am deeply sorry about your loss,this has been always a difficult subject for me to discuss with my own patients and even after so many years experience it never gets easy. there is no explanation and this makes it harder.
It takes weeks to a month or more for a woman to recover physically, depending upon how long she was pregnant. Some pregnancy hormones remain in the blood for one to two months after a miscarriage. Most women experience a menstrual period four to six weeks after a miscarriage.
Often, it takes much longer to recover emotionally. Couples may experience intense grief as they mourn their loss. A woman may experience many emotions including numbness, sadness, guilt, depression, anger, and difficulty concentrating. She and her partner may handle their grief in different ways, creating tension between them at a time when they need each other most. you should not hesitate to ask your health care provider for a referral to a counselor who is experienced with dealing with pregnancy loss. Many couples also benefit from support groups.please let me know if I can help you in any ways.

I am so sorry for your loss!

Hi, J.,

I'm sorry that you experienced a miscarriage.

Miscarriage affects different people differently. Some women I've known have been very calm about it and felt no pain.

I miscarried twice before conceiving my two children, who are now 2 and 1. I was devastated because I was going through extremely expensive and invasive fertility treatment and worried that I would never have children. (I was almost 40 when I finally found someone willing to try to create a child with me.) Most people who have not had a miscarriage do not understand the impact of miscarriage on the parents of the miscarried baby. Some people will say insensitive things. For instance, my former roommate talked to me about my miscarriages at my wedding reception! One of my co-workers introduced the topic when I first got into work one day several months after my second miscarriage. (My co-workers knew because I started miscarrying both times at the high school where I work and thus had to get emergency substitute coverage.) Resolve members tended to be quite emotionally supportive. Some Resolve members were more informed about the medical issues surrounding infertility and miscarriage than others. The emotional trauma brought on by my miscarriages disappeared after the birth of my first live child.

Physically, I started feeling OK a few weeks after my miscarriages ended. I did not have a D&C.

My reproductive endocrinologists started prescribing me heparin after my first miscarriage and then also prednisone for an immune disorder (blood clotting too easily) after my second miscarriage. Fortunately, about six months after my second miscarriage, I conceived my first child who would live.

I wish you, your husband and kids quick recovery.

Lynne E

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I had a 1st trimester miscarriage in 1997. For the first 10 days after the miscarriage, you'll have bleeding like a heavy period or like after when you had your first two kids. You will mourn the loss of the little one you lost and will go through the normal grieving process as if you had a stillbirth of a full-term baby. This is perfectly normal. Problems arise when you don't let yourself grieve for the lost baby and try to hold in your grief. It will take a few months to get over it.

The one thing that I found annoying after my miscarriage was people asking me if I was planning to try again. The question was well-meaning; but I felt that it was inappropriate. My husband and I finally came up with a nice way of telling people that it wasn't their business.

I would also talk to friends and tell them that I miscarried. I was amazed at the number of my friends who also had had miscarriages. It was good for me to talk to others who had been there too

Dear J.,
I am so sorry for your loss. Since you were so far along in your pregnancy, the loss will be like loosing a child and when you think about it you may be depressed. This is normal and you must go through a grieving process. My sister lost a child and every year about the time of his death, she has a very rough time. Your husband will not have bonded as much a you, since you felt the life and movement of the child. I am glad that you have two wonderful children. Focus on them and enjoy the blessings God has given you, but do not be afraid to cry over your loss. It will take time to heal and perhaps never be completely healed, but one of the sad parts of your life's journey always. I will pray that you will have the strength to proceed through times of depression (and do get help it this happens and becomes so intense that it makes it hard to care for your family and give them the love and support they need, there is medication that can help).
Praying for you,
H.

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I lost two in the first trimester. What helped was holding the child I did have. Here is the name of a wonderful acupuncturist who helped my friend get pregnant and she recently delivered her second child. Susan Minich in Burbank, ###-###-####. Good luck to you.

Every person is different. Know that you were doing everything right and sometimes things are just not meant to be. I am not a very religous person however I did turn to god and prayed after I had mine. Be kind to yourself and talk about how you are feeling with either your husband and/or friends and family! Everything that you are feeling is perfectly "normal" and the more you come to terms with your lose instead of maybe pretending that you are fine, the quicker you can heal emotionally. The emotional part is the hardest. Take one day at a time and love the two little ones that you have been blessed with already! Love yourself everyday and always remind yourself that this too shall pass. :)

I'm so sorry to hear about miscarriage. I had a second trimester miscarriage in August just a few months ago. We have a 2 year old as well. Just like you all the ultrasounds were fine, blood tests were fine as well.
The best suggestion I can give you is to see a counsler and talk and talk and talk. I kept it inside me and kept saying I'm fine I'm fine until I just broke down emotionally and physically--and my husband make me go to a counsler. It helped a lot. The first time we went together, then she suggested I go alone a few times, and the last session we went back together again. It took me a few weeks to physically get back to myself (with a lot of help from family and friends that is) but it takes much longer emotionally. This is a very hard process and you need to "sit" in the sadness when you feel like you need to, and go through the grieving process so you can heal, specially so you don't affect your younger children without realizing it. Another thing I suggest is to go to the spa and maybe some yoga classes to release the stress and heal--that helped me a lot as well.
My doctor sent me to Dr. Barbara Crandall at UCLA who is a pediatrician, psychiatrist, and prenatle genetic researcher (that's crazy huh)... to see if she can come up with anything else that he wasn't catching up on as to what the cause of the miscarriage. My doctor said because I had a pregnancy with no problems previsouly and a healthy child that it was probably and isolated incident... but since we are planning to have another child in the future he still wanted me to see her. She said the same thing as my own doctor... that we're not going to know what happened--none of the tests are comming up with anything.
I hope that helps. One more thing--people can be very insensitive saying things like "so what this happened, you have 2 healthy children already" or " when are you gonna try again" and you'll probably want to clobber them in the face but just block it out :-)