Miscarriage - Chicago,IL

Hi M.,

I am very sorry fo your loss. I just had a miscarriage myself less than 2 weeks ago. I was 6 weeks along. It has been a hard couple of weeks, to say the least, both physically and emotionally. My husband also doesn't really want to talk about it. But, I try to remember that everyone grieves in their own way and my husband isn't one to want to talk something to death. Most men don't, and this just might be your husband's way of dealing with things. I would let him be. If he wants to talk about it, he will. As long as he validates your feelings and is being supportive to you, than he is doing his best. For instance, my husband
has made it a point to call me more during the working day just to check in. He's brought me flowers and my favorite foods, without prompting. While he may not want to talk, this is his way of showing he cares. Also, keep in mind that while your husband is probably upset and disappointed, it is possible that you feel worse about the miscarriage. Its not that your husband is insensitive, but just that in the early stages pregnancy isn't exactly "real" to men yet. They are visual creatures. While you have had this life growing inside you and probably already had a bond formed, your husband disn't have that physical connection.
It might be easier for him to move on and that can make you feel like he just doesn't care. Make sure to voice your feelings to him, but also accept his feelings and how he wants to deal with them. Don't be afrain to be specific about what you need. (i.e. "Honey I need to go lay down and then have a bath, here's Susie, see you in an hour")

For yourself, I would continue to reach out to close friends or even online messageboards, such as some of the ones on ivillage. I frequent there myself and it has been a great support system the last couple weeks talking to
other women who have been through the same thing and understand how I feel. I can vent all my feelings out in my own way. We also had not told most of our family yet, so that does make you feel a bit alone, that you can't lean
on them for support during this time. I understand your husband not wanting to tell everyone what happened, so maybe just sharing with close friends might be a good compromise. Honestly, I needed some time to myself to
grieve and was glad I didn't have to get a million "I'm so sorry" phone calls. While they would have been heartfelt, I just didn't have the energy to rehash it over and over. You should do whatever it takes for you to heal.

Physically, the worst for me was the first 5 days or so. Lots of cramping, bleeding, clots...ect. I was completely wiped out. I basically just stayed home and didn't go anywhere. The bleeding totally stopped for me after about 8 days, but everyone is different. This week I haven't had bleeding, but I do find myself getting tired quickly and
needing to just rest more than normal. I just take it day by day and do the best I can. My hormones have been all over the place the last two weeks. Crying one minute,
angry the next......but know that this is alot on your body. I have come to accept and so has my husband, that it may take awhile for me to bounce back and thats okay.

Basically, cut yourself and your husband some slack. Take the time you need to grieve and feel better. Don't rush yourself into being the same old you before you're ready. Rest as much as possible and allow yourself to feel what
you need to. Time will heal you emotionally and physically, but it doesn't mean there may not be a scar left behind. Be okay with that and let this shape you
in whatever way it needs to. I wish you the best. Please feel free to contact me, even if its just to vent. Nothing you could say about what you're feeling would surprise me. Take care.

Hi M.:

I am sorry for your loss.

Back in 2005, I was approximately 20 weeks pregnant with my 1st child - we (husband & parents) went in to find out the sex of the child. When the ultrasound was turned on, they couldn't find the heartbeat (the child had died). I actually had to be induced and deliver the stillborn. After the baby was "delivered" we found out it was a boy (my husband has a daughter from a previous marriage) - so when we realized we lost a boy...words cannot explain what we felt.

An autopsy was preformed and was determined that a blood clot had formed between the placenta and womb and when it exploded, it cut-off oxygen to the baby. The docs told us that we didn't do anything at all, it was mother nature. Sometimes mother nature terminates a pregnancy for many reasons (and those reasons we will never know).

Everyone mourns differently - give you & your husband some time.

My opinion is that you should tell your close family/friends about your loss - as I have learned that many people don't share pregnancy losses, until it happens to you...then people will offer their experiences.

It will also take awhile for your hormones (and body) to get back to 'normal' - remember that. That was the most miserable part for me, my body didn't go back to 'normal' right away and I couldn't fit into my regular clothes and to have to wear the maternity clothes was just HORRIFYING.

I would like to add that we did try again for another baby after we lost the Baby Boy - then I had a miscarriage! Docs went in and found out I had early stages of endometreosis (sp?), so they cleaned up my insides and gave me a green light to start trying for another baby. Needless to say, it took awhile for us to even think about trying again...but we did.

I'd like to share with you that the same month (April) we lost our baby boy in 2005 - 2 years later (4/19/07) we had a beautiful and extremely healthy girl (she was 9 lbs and 22 inches long).

God bless you and your family during this difficult time - and remember that everything happens for a reason (even if we don't know what those reasons are).

I am so sorry for your loss! Eight years ago at 14 weeks I too lost a twin pregnancy. The process of your body physically returning to normal may take a few weeks. Your body still may think it's pregnant...I know this is very hard!

My husband dealt with our loss in a VERY different way than I did. We did talk about it a little but he generally kept everything "in" and let me talk. He did express some things but not a lot. Still to this day he doesn't say alot and I still do. I have learned that a lot of husbands do cope this way.

I don't know where you are located but there is a service every year in McHenry for parents & family who have had a misscarriage or infant loss. If you would like more info you can contact me directly and I can give you all the "ins & outs".

I am so sorry for your loss. You are right, though, you guys both need to talk out your feelings and I urge you to talk to all of your family members about your loss. While you hadn't told many, if any, about the pregnancy it still happened and your friends/ family need to and would want to know.

We had and yes, I mean "had" friends who lost a baby. What ended up happening was that they got pregnant, lost a baby. Got pregnant again and didn't tell anyone. They became bitter, mean and nasty to everyone around them because they were devastated by their loss. In doing so, they estranged a lot of people and it wasn't until several years later that we found out that it was because they lost another baby. Their grief was so much that it changed them. Had they told us about it, we could have helped them and certainly given them space/ forgiveness for their behavior. Unfortunately, the friendship was never the same because years had gone by with no explanation. Certainly we understand but felt sad that they couldn't have shared it with us in the first place.

My point in sharing this story is to tell you that even though you might not realize it, your behavior/ feelings might change or show in ways that you can't explain or see. Let your friends/ family help you. Losing a baby is hard enough. Losing two is even more difficult. Don't discount it because you were only 7 weeks. It was a part of you, your family and your life. I hope this helps.

Sending you a big cyber hug. Good luck and I hope with everything in me that you and your hubby work through this together.

Kind regards,
N.

Hi M.-

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it might sound plain but time will really help to deal with it. It has been only two days. I think for men it is harder or different to deal with it because they usually have a hard time talking about feelings. When we had an early miscarriage we decided to tell close family members and friends even though we hadn't given the news about the pregnancy before either. I insisted on doing so because it was my husbands birthday that week and I knew there would be a lot of calls coming in and I didn't want to fake any conversations and do small talk. It helped both of us to deal with it but still it took a while for me to recover - not so much physically but emotionally. All the best!