ok my mil's birthday was wed. so my husband sent me out shopping and said to get her a gift. i was unable to find anything that she would want. so i got her a card. since it was so close to mothers day i got cheaper cards since we had to get so many. so the card was not a happy birthday mom or grandma card. anyways shes on the phone to her mom talking about her birthday and was like yeah it was ok ray and his wife got me a card and it wasnt even a mom or grandma card just a plain birthday card. but derek (her other son) got me a beautiful happy birthday mom card. this was said right in front of us. im hurt by her saying this. she knows that my husband and i dont have much money. she also got mad because i put happy birthday debbie and not mom. honestly i dont think to put mom on her card because i do not call her mom. my husband is mad over it too yet he could have wrote the card out also.
i am just shocked how she could be so rude over a card that she will just through away in a week. it wasnt my intent to upset her in any way. we have also gotten her a very nice mothers day gift. i just think that if she wasnt pleased with it then she should have told her mom in private not right in front of me.
please its not that i dont like my mil since i have really put a lot passed me and just put it as thats how she is.
i was set out with a budget of 20 dollars for get 8 mothers day cards, 3 birthday cards, my husbands birthday gift and try and find my mil something for mothers day and her birthday. so theres no room to just buy her a nicer card. yes she really does throw them away in a week.
my husband usually does get her card and such. she is a picky receiver and nothing my husband and i get her is never as good as dereks gift and that hurts my husband. yes we live with them.
really i did not pay much attention to what i wrote on the envelope. i was filling out multiple cards. i just know that even though she got me a card from the dollar store that i was just nice i got a card. i dont care what it said on it because it was a nice guesture.
anyways my husband went behind my back and bought her 2 new mothers day cards and a 100 dollar gift card (that we didnt have the money to spend) just to appease his mom. i just had a talk with him saying that i didnt like the fact did that because now we dont have money for bills. and he got mad at me. saying if it was my mom i would have wanted him to write mom on it. i just told him no i would have you write on it as you felt comfortable. I dont feel comfortable calling your mom, mom. also my mom wouldnt get offended over what is on an envelope.
Sorry but you were wrong. You can get an inexpensive card that say Happy Birthday Mom or grandma. I don't know why you are shocked? You got her a card that really wasn't the right one and she said something to someone in front of you. So. You gave her the card in front of people, didn't you?
You get what you put into any relationship. You didn't put much effort into the card so you didn't get much appreciation.
Not cool that she complained in front of you but really...you couldn't find ANYTHING?? Her birthday is in May every year so do you go the cheap/impersonalized route every year?? Her mother's day gift has nothing to do with her birthday. Something else going on possibly??
At least you will not be put in charge of getting MIL gifts in the future.
Ummmm...OK.....she shouldn't have said anything right in front of you.
As for the "no gift she would like" aspect--plant, flower, shower gel, $5.00 earrings....NOTHING? Your husband "sent you out to get her a gift" and you could find not O. thing? Regardless of the price, I think I could even find a $5 gift for a complete stranger.
And why, on Earth, would you say "Happy Birthday, Debbie" and not "Mom"? That's just odd.
I think you were both wrong.
NOW if the issue is you don't like her and feel resentful about being "assigned" the card/gift getting/card signing duties...then that needs to be expressed and your husband will have to take care of it from here on out.
You are right to be hurt b/c she commented in front of you. However, cheap cards say mom & grandma too. And yes, if the card was just from you, Debbie would have been appropriate, but since it was also from her son, it should have said Mom. And your husband should have been the one to write in the card, it is his mother. So, he has a right to be mad - his mother's feeling are hurt and he is part to blame. Don't forget you are a mother too and your children will be adults and you will still want them to address you as mom and made to feel special.
I'm sorry but you were a little insensitive about the situation. You seemed to blow off and consciously minimized the situation due to your financial state - it was a card, I think the extra buck could have been spent. Your MIL was hurt by your actions, just as you were hurt by hers.
**To your So What Happened...Why did you post about this? You obviously just wanted people to side with you. You don't get it...you are playing immature mind games about buying a friggin' card. Your post sounds very immature overall actually. You admit not putting any thought into what you wrote - I can totally see shy your MIL said what she did....As well you had disregard for your husband and his relationship with his mother. If I were your husband I would have done something similar (but w/o spending sooooo much) - which he should have done in the first place!
I hear a lot of resentment in your tone about buying your MIL a birthday gift. Come one J., even a lovely smelling candle would do or sweet potted plant from Trader Joe's.
There are going to be times in your marriage where one partner pitches in and helps the other out. I don't have a close relationship with my MIL at all, but I am still gracious and help my husband out when it's the in-law birthday's and holiday's. I sent her flowers this week for Mother's Day and wrote "A Very Happy Mother's Day to you Mom. We love you....signed x,x,x,x,x" I have NEVER called her Mom in the 20 years I have known her, but I address her cards appropriately. By you writing her first name Debbie, that clearly shows that her own son did not help you and I think that was undermining to your relationship and shows your lack of respect.
What else is bothering you about your husband and MIL? I honestly think you both were equally rude. She should or could have tried to be more careful with her open comments, but she did get her point across and you could have tried to be more thoughtful, but you also got your resentment across...with a cheap card addressed to Debbie.
You have the power to correct this next year and I hope you will try to be courteous and sincerely thoughtful towards your husband and his mom.
I always get my MIL a mom card... it would be hurtful not to. You should have done the right thing even if you dont care for her. Next time have your hubby do the signing of the card. I have my hubby sign for his mom because I'm sure she likes to see his writing, and I sign the one to my mom. And you dont know if she throws the cards out in a week. my mom saves everything I've ever sent her... and so does my MIL.
Maybe she feels hurt that her son couldnt be bothered to pick out the card and sign it himself. Obviously he would have written Mom not her name. But he coudlnt be bothered to acknowledge his own mother on her Bday. She has a right to be hurt. Your hubby needs to pick up a pen and take 30 seconds out of his life to remember the woman who gave him life and raised him. I'm sorry you got stuck in the middle, when you were trying to help. We try to help our husbands all the time because we we are helpers, but maybe this (and Mother's Day) are occasions we have to say "be a big boy, wipe you own butt, take care of you own Mom"
Ridiculous...rude....so many adjectives I could use here. You are not going to get through to this woman...so don't bother trying....what you do need to do is concentrate on your husband's reaction. How he could side with her and allow her to be so insensitive towards you is beyond me!!! My son in laws sometimes call me Mom and sometimes call me R....it just depends upon the situation. I don't care if a card I receive from them is for "Mom" or "Grandma"...in fact I would much prefer a hand made card from the grandchildren than some fancy thing from Hallmark.
I would definitely put your husband in charge of all gifts/cards etc to your MIL from now on...and let HIM sign the cards...lol.
I kind of have to agree with Denise. She is still your "Mother" in Law. My son and his wife always get me a card that says Mom on it for all holidays. It is only good manners, that is his mom and you represent him. You are married and you are as one. Put yourself in her place and if that was your son and daughter in law. If my son ever got me a card and it said, my name, I would give it back to him and say my name is MOM. See what i am saying, not trying to hurt your feelings. Have make a card on line is free, the dollars store is 2 cards for a dollar. Get a small plant or cut one from your own yard and put it in a plactic cup and decorate it, and saying something like our love for you never stops growing. Yes, she was wrong to say this in front of you, but i am sure she was hurt and did not know how to express it, but to make sure you know. I dont call my mother in law mom when speaking to her, but all cards and gifts are addressed to Mom. You need to do the right thing. Good Luck
Your husband should be the one picking out her cards, not you. You need to stop buying her gifts, let him do it. I'm assuming he is an adult right?
On another note, how do you know she is just going to throw the card away in a week?
Well in that case tell your husband to get her cards and gifts himself. I do not buy my mother in law anything anymore. She doesn't appreciate it anyway no matter who buys it. She should just be grateful that she got the card. It shouldn't matter what was on the card but just the fact that you thought of her. It should be the thought that counts!!!
From now on ask your husband to buy the card and you will be happy to sign it.
try to forget her hurtful remarks (I know that will be hard) and if you do care about this woman, tell her you do in your own way.
I soooooo feel your pain! My MIL is a screaming nightmare & because of my hubby's wild schedule, I am always the one who has to do the card & gift buying. My MIL has major issues and one of them is that she equates love with material goods. Makes zero sense to me, but that's how she is. Since we are on a very tight budget, this gets extremely tricky for me.
If the gifts we get her aren't "good enough" or if there aren't enough of them, all hell breaks loose in the whole family. She talks trash about us to everyone, then they call us & chew us out. No one in his family can listen to reason. She did this to us one year because everyone in the family got a stocking for Christmas, but she thought she should've gotten TWO stockings. No, I'm not kidding. It's ugly and I don't like being emotionally threatened into getting gifts, but that's a separate issue I'm trying to work out with my hubby. ;-)
What I have started doing to try and keep some semblance of peace is buying things all year long that I see that are super cheap (marked down) and that I think she might like. For example, after Christmas last year, a store had all their Christmas stuff 75% off. I got her a fantastic gift that was normally $30, but I got it for $7. I'll combine that with other gifts I bought in a similar way and bingo! MIL gets showered with gifts & our bank account doesn't take too big a hit.
Never miss a chance to check out a killer sale. All stores have clearance sections, especially after a holiday or at the end of a season. For example, you can get a jazzed up pair of flip flops that would normally be expensive for a steal at the end of summer, then give them to her for the next Mother's Day.
I'm sorry she reacted in such a catty, shallow, juvenile way. Unfortunately you can pick your spouse but you can't pick their family. If you want to stay married, you have to deal with the in-law cards you were dealt. Sucks, I know. :-(
Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
This whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. Your MIL's reaction (WHO %$#@ing cares about that?!?!), and your husband's reaction! Really stupid, if you ask me. Very petty, selfish, petty, rude, silly, oh, did I mention petty?
Your husband should really back YOU up, though. You all are a union, together... and... There's absolutely no reason for his mom to be mad, therefore he CERTAINLY shouldn't even think about being mad. A $#@% card!!!!???? Hopefully nothing really tragic happens to these people, they truly would not know how to handle it. crazy. not you- them.
that is why if my husband is in town I hand him a pin and the card and say sign it.
Mine probably acts the same way because she is always sign her gifts to me, MOM U (U for the first letter of the last name)
Don't let it get to you. Move on and count it as lesson learn. Try to laugh it off the best you can. If anything now it is an inside joke for you and your husband. If he is really mad, then make a stink about anything he gives you for your birthday (unless he is that rare breed that is perfect for you on that day). That will show him.
if my husband wants to do something for his mom for her bday/mothers day its up to him. So not my job. The only reason I buy for her at christmas is because it is lumped in with everyone else then. Next time just have your kids make the cards. See how classy she looks if she even tries to trash what the kids have done! Happy Mothers Day!
UGH! If she is going to be that petty, I wouldn't stress over it. How immature and stupid. She looks ridiculous, not you.
No one can upset you without your permission! It sounds like you don't much like your mil so why does what she think upset you so much?
And....if your husband doesn't like what you choose for his mother, let him do the choosing next time.
I suggest you're paying too much attention to what others think and not enough on making yourself happy.
Hello, It was very rude of her to say that in front of you. Next time there is a need to get her a gift and to sign a card, I would let the husband do it. My husband passed away a year ago March. We were married for 43 years. For most of those years, I bought, signed and sent all birthday, Christmas, etc. cards and gifts for his family. For the last years of his parents' lives I made him at least sign the cards. He didn't shop for me either. He would send our daughters to do it. I also had to make him call his mother. I tried so many times to explain that while his mother and I were very close, he was her son and it would mean so much more if he were making the call. I do have to say, though, that the cards should have been for "Mother or Mom".
Good luck with this issue.
K. K.
If your husband was concerned with what gift he got his mother, than the should have done it himself. However, everything communicates. It didn't really seem like you wanted to put much effort into it. I'm not being critical, because I've made the same mistake. But people can tell the level of effort made and some equate that to the level of care/love.
Your MIL was a bit tactless complaining in front of you. Maybe she was complaining because she realized the card didn't come from her son.
