MIL And SIL on First Bday Party

Have the party at the child's house. End of story. It is too bad you even mentioned it to them because now it looks like your are ignoring their demands...I mean advice. Try sending out the invites with a "It's Billy's 1st Birthday" and then add a "...Plus an open house." Maybe that will help MIL/SIL understand why you don't want it at their house.

As one last piece of ammunition...As if your friends want to hang out at a stranger's house?? Non-family invitees would feel much more welcome at YOUR home with you as the hostess.

Try this on and see how good it feels:

"Mom, how thoughtful of you to offer your home for this event. And no. As much as we'd like to get together, that's too stressful to arrange. We want to enjoy our little guy's first BD, not overextend and overspend. He'll enjoy the day more if he's not subject to a long trip. You haven't been to our home yet, and we'd be delighted if you want to come here. If not, we'll just have a small celebration and hope to see you some other time."

State your case clearly and simply. This is your reality, your life, and your reasonable limits. It seems your MIL is used to running the show. You can either let her do that with this milestone, or begin your own family traditions and run your own show. Good luck – this is a big step for you and your husband. But you can carry it off with grace and a smile if you don't get too hung up on expecting other people to be what they're not.

First off, I think you have every right to dictate the terms of YOUR child's party. So I would go ahead and plan it on the date that works for YOU and invite who YOU want.

Second, I think your husband needs to stand up to HIS family on behalf of his "new" family. My DH did this. He phrased it as, I am getting involved on behalf of my family.... He said it was not our intent to anger anyone, however he did not expect for ME to have to put on two parties in order to keep THEM happy.

Finally, I think that they have every right to not drive in for the party at your house. That is THEIR choice. If they feel they are missing out, then perhaps THEY can put on a "family party" the next time you plan on coming into town to visit with them? If not, they can choose to send a gift or not. Let THEM handle the details...who gets invited, the games, give aways, food, etc. Since you already had a party, this is THEIR GIG. You just act like the grateful, appreciative daughter-in-law.

I am a big fan of speaking up on behalf of myself and my family. I believe that we have every right to make the rules for our own family. I have struggled on the wording/how to phrase things in a way that I make my intentions clear, however also the let them know that what I am planning is in direct conflict with what they want/expect, I am not doing it to upset anyone and I hope they understand that THIS is what works best for OUR family.

Although I am sure I have upset people, and that they don't always agree with OUR decisions, it has nonetheless happened the way that WE wanted. And if/when people couldn't come, it was clear that it was THEIR choice not to participate, not that they weren't welcome or invited.

Just make sure that you and your husband present a united front so that you aren't blamed as the B*TCH who is "breaking up the family".

I think once people understand that you aren't going to be led around by a leash, then they have a new respect for you as a wife, mother, daughter in law, etc. Again, they may not agree with your decisions, however they RESPECT that you are standing your ground.

Best of luck!

Tell your husband that this party is about YOUR child, NOT your MIL or SIL! Keep the party at your house and have your husband explain that if they don't want to come because it is too inconvenient for them, then they can miss out on the fun. If you go up this year, know that it will be expected for all other years to come. Don't let it start, and you won't have to stop it. It may cause some issues between you and your MIL, but you also need to do what is best for your family and your child. There is no true reason why it cannot be held at your house, so have it there! Have fun and good luck!

Your child, you choose to have the party the way you want to have it. Why would you not have it in your home or in your home city to be able to invite the people your child sees on a regular basis. If they choose not to come oh well. Your husband needs to stand up to his mother and if he cannot you need to. Good luck!

JUst state mater of factly We were at your place last sooo it's your turn to come here. And we already have the details for the babies party worked out for our home. Don't give in because once you do you will be for the rest of your marriage. As far as MIL taking it out on FIL he's been with her long enough to know how to handle this control freak. If they don't show for your daughter don't let them know it bothers you just send a sorry you missed the party here are some pic's of all the fun baby had, hopefully you'll be able to make the next one. And then Just smile and wave.

It is your child, you have a new home, you want to share these things with your friends and family. I would not move the party. Let your Mil know that you really want her to come, but the party will be at your home. I would offer that if she can not come you can make a day trip at some point so she can have a small party with the child if she wants, one she sets up since you are not planning/paying for two parties. Talk with your husband, but hold your ground or you will be catering to her whims forever. This is your family, and she needs to respect that. It would be completely unreasonable to expect new friends from the area to travel for a first birthday, but it is not unreasonable at all to expect Grandma or Aunt to do so.

I competely understand, my in-laws live about 2.5 hours away and we always made the trip & they never came to our house. 7 years later with two kids and a house bigger than theirs, they finally have started to make the trip more, but still not more than we do in return. We did take a 4 hour trip/car ride a few months ago with my in-laws and they got to experience riding in the car with my 18 month old, now my MIL does not pressure us at all about making the trip, and really doesn't say a word about us leaving early to match nap time... she is alot more supporive now. maybe make your MIL ride in the car for a few hours with your toddle & she might start to understand! Sorry for the rambeling, If I were you I would go with your plan of having the party at your house! It is HIS (and your's) day and I agree it would be fun to have a little house warming party at the same time, since you did just move! Stick to your plan and if they don't come that is there fault, not yours. If they wanted to be there, they would, it's not like your live 10 hours away!

This isn't about the party---it's a power struggle that will probably go on for the duration of your marriage. These people may never come around. My daughter has been dealing with behavior like this for almost 10 years now, starting with last minute suggestions about how they walked down the aisle!! This is your husband's fight, not yours. He probably was mostly agreeable to her until he got married, and now she doesn't like you between them, "brainwashing" him. (Once my son-in-law stood up to his mom, she didn't improve, but he finally started seeing her in a whole new light.) All you do is what most have suggested. Do it your way, smile, be gracious, and express regret if they don't come. P.S. Get a copy of "Toxic Parents"-- it's full of ideas about dealing with these kinds of people.

I completely understand where you are coming from. My in laws live about a hour away from us but they always want us to come to their house. We also have dogs and cats and understand having to leave your animals. My recommendation to you would be to have the party at your house. It is the FIRST birthday party for your child. That would be one long day for all of you. I mean the traveling to and from that day. Then having to decorated once you got there to your MIL's house. Then the actual party and clean up. I would rather have a calm party at my house then have to rush and then deal with a drive back home after having a long day at the party. You want to actually enjoy and take in every moment not be upset since you didn't get the day you wanted for your child. My in laws dont come to our house either. We have lived there for about 3 1/2 yrs and they have only come out twice. They have never come to our house for Christmas or Thanksgiving. They won't allow us to have our own holiday by ourselves. But stick to your guns about having it at your house. I promise you on this (I know this for sure)if you give in you will be doing it the rest of your child's life. You have to be strong and do what YOU want for YOUR family not their's. I hope things work out for the best.

Happy 1st Birthday to your little one!

:( It's so hard for people to adjust to a family member being further away than the rest. My parents moved a mere 2 hours away 5 years ago for his work...My dad still has siblings that have yet to see his house. They have requested they do my brothers birthday (as the rest of us were over 18 when they moved and out of their house) for the past 5 years at someone elses house just like this because no one felt like driving to their house. Yet, they are here almost every weekend for the whole weekend, getting someone to watch their pets and house, for one family thing or another.
My dads family will say one thing "Oh, do it the way you want to. That's fine" and then complain about it until the next family party to who ever walks through the door.
I say it's time for you to stand up and just say "I am having one party, I am doing it on this day and at my house for my convience due to other people we are inviting from around our new home. If you can make it you make it, if you can't then that's fine." Don't be offended when no one shows up--I just had 3 of my dad's family show up for my sons party (He has 10 siblings, one sibling and his parents came. That was all.I only live a hour from everyone) It hurt me but my son didn't seem bothered.

You have to do what is right for your family. If having the party at your house makes more sense, then that is what you do.

We too live far away from family and friends. When my daughter turned 1, the drive from my family to our house was 1.5 hours... yet, everyone who wanted to be there came. If it is important to them, they will come. You can NOT inconvenience yourself or your husband and daughter just to accommodate someone else. As you have said, you've made many trips up there, and are planning another one. They need to make the effort to continue to be a participant in YOUR life. You've had to move because of your hubby's work.... that is just the way it is and they will have to deal with it.

We too have had to move out of state for my husbands job. Those that want to keep in touch with us, do ...those who are too caught up in their own lives and issues to make the effort... don't. We are fine with it either way. It's their choice. We too go there regularly and see people, but we also keep in mind what works for us.

Have the party at your house. Send out the invites early so people can make arrangements if they want to come. I can tell you from my own experience, having the party at home is just easier on your little one. There are a lot of people, lots going on and being in a familiar environment helps keep them calmer. And... if your L.O needs a nap, then they can nap in their own bed.

Good luck.

I don't feel you are wrong to feel the way you do. It's your party. The way I see it you have a couple options.

1) Stick to your original plan and have the party at your own house. Set the precedent that you intend to host your parties on your turf. Not only is easier for you but you would like to return the hospitality others have shown you while hosting parties at their homes. ;) As with any other party, people can choose to attend or not. Unless your inlaws are in poor health or don't drive I don't see why they wouldn't try to make the trip. You will need to come to terms with some people not attending. This would be my personal choice.

2) Have the party at your inlaw's house if you feel it won't ruin the day for you and if it is important to you to have pics of the inlaws attending the party. Specify that since you are excited about celebrating your child's first birthday with everyone you will accept the offer to have it at their house. After the party let them know that future birthday parties will be at your house - you are looking forward to entertaining in your new home, more comfortable for your child, easier planning for you, no worries about the dogs, etc .

Best wishes to you!

Everyone is pretty much right. You need to worry about your family. Yes, the hubby needs to talk to his mother, which he probably won't, so, you need to have whatever you want at your home. The people that love you and are good friends will make the trip. If they don't it's their loss. I would not go out of my way for them either. Unless there is some health issue where they can't come or don't drive, then it's their decision to miss the party and time with the grandchild. I even went to be with my step granddaughter with the evil x-wife there......I went because it was about my grandchild, not who was there or where it was. That's what Grandma's do.....hang in there.....good luck

I know what you are going through. My Family is 400+ miles from where we live and my husband's family is 120+ miles away. In order to make more convienent for the most amount of people we had several of the kids parties at his mom's house. The idea is to celebrate you son's birthday. It really sucks that your husband won't man up to his mom. You need to ask yourself this, do you want to have a party with your relatives to celebrat your son's birthday or do you want to through yourselves a house warming party that is bound to have a low turnout. This was my oldest son's last year in preschool and he wanted his friends to be at his party so this year we had a friends only party at a local bowling alley. The kids loved it and all I paid for was an extra pizza for the adults, a cake and a few appitizers. And buy the way order everything your in-laws sound like the type that would start an indebtedness tally and make you life more difficult than it is already. Since hubby won't man up make it his responsibility to go pick things up if they can't be delivered or better yet pick them up your self and leave him to watch you son. Good Luck

I think Renee is right on...... I can't believe that this is even an issue for your family.... it's only 2.5 hours..... not like you are asking them to buy plane tickets to fly across the states. I don't want to say - blame it on your LO, but mention to your MIL that having it at your own home is what is best for her... why would she want to make your LO sit in a car for 5 hours on HER day - that's just rude. Make it about your LO (which is what it is) and if your MIL cares, she will be there. Any issues with the hubby not upsetting his mom - use this info there as well. Good luck!

I say have the party the way you want to. It is your child and you should have it the way you want. As for the in-laws, they'll either miss out spending time with you guys and the baby OR they'll come down. It'll be their loss if they don't go down.

Gibby.....I would have it at your house and invite them and if they choose not to come that is their problem. Why do they refuse to come to your place? This is going to be a problem in the future years also. Your child will have friends in your neighborhood and you will want to include them in the future.

You could also have one of your dogs getting sick and you don't want to leave him for very long. Giving medicine or whatever. That would kind of let you off the hook. I wouldn't let ML rule your life. M. B.

I speak from experience when I say have the party at your house. Do not let anyone dictate how you throw your own child's party! If you bend now, you will have to bend every year and with any additional children you may have down the road. Don't get mad, don't get upset, just do it your way, have a lovely day and smile!

I have encountered similar situations, and I totally understand your upset. What I have done is go ahead and have your party how and where you want it. If the in-laws don't come, their loss. Their is only one shot at that first birthday party, and it should be special. If they don't come, you could buy a small cake or cupcakes the weekend before or the weekend after the actual bash at your home, and take just a cake to the in-laws the weekend before or after.

My opinion is that this is YOUR child's 1st birthday & party so do what works best for you and not anyone else. If you want to have a huge bash at your new home then so be it. If your in laws don't show up then that is all on them. Good Luck!!

I don't think you are wrong for wanting people to come to your house for your childs birthday party. Or for wanting people to come visit at your house. I'm not sure how long you have lived in your new home, but if the holidays have passed - people have had good reason to make way to your home.

As for talking to your hubby - don't let him know you are upset at the way your MIL or SIL talked to you. But let him know you would really like to have your son's birthday party at home. That you want to show people your lovely home & let them know they are welcome to visit anytime. If you have an extra room - offer it to your MIL to stay in so that she doesn't have to travel 5 hours in one day, but maybe 2.5 each day and maybe she could stay the weekend so that she doesn't have to travel 2 days in a row.

I do wish you luck & hope that your son's party goes well!

If your MIL expects other people (new friends & neighbors) to come 2.5 hours away for a birthday party, she must be smoking something. That's NUTS!! If SHE doesn't want to come and host a seperate one, that's her call, but I think it would be nice (and certainly appropriate) for HER to make the trip to YOUR house for a change. Makes it seem as if she doesn't want or care about your new place in any way shape or form. Honestly, I would think she's WANT to come and see it.

Maybe she's the kind that just thinks, "Out of site, out of mind". I'm with you on this one, sister! Relationships are a TWO WAY STREET and she seems to want it ONE way.......HERS.

A couple of weeks ago I suggested to someone that they fire their child's godmother for instigating similar birthday party drama. It's too bad you can't fire your MIL or SIL. You can, however, have a lovely party at your new home and invite as many new friends from the neighborhood, church, etc. as you can. This is a great opportunity to build a new network and make new friends, and if the family can't make it, you can email them photos. Make sure you put party hats on the doggies.

It sounds a lot like my best friend's family. She is the only one with young children and everyone expects her to take her 4 children 8 and under to their places and money is tight with them too. Maybe when you go up to do the cousins party, you could have your child's party too. Then on the actual day, just be you, your husband and child. You should talk to hubby, that what he's there for and he should back you up. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. You have gone out of your way to see them and they should return the favor. Good Luck
L. from Ohio

I have a MIL and SIL who are rather selfish and either think of themselves first or only themselves. I established "rules" and expectations from the start of our family. Instead of taking things out on my FIL, she takes it out on my husband (ie not calling him on his birthday, not buying him a gift, or not sending a card). They have also made sure that I am the one his extended family talks about at family gatherings (all one sided of course). I just ignore it and have even chosen to point out a few things to her a few times which she denied of course, but it made her squirm, especially in front of my FIL and husband.

We live about 1 1/2 hours from them. I have also told them that our traveling to and from their homes only would not be a realistic expectation (for a variety of reasons). I told them we would share the traveling as well as the phone calls.

I believe in Karma and what goes around comes around. I have stuck to my guns and done things for my children the way my husband and I want them done. I have told them that they can choose to be a part of their only grandchildren lives if they want, but either way my children will grow up knowing that it was them who chose to be a part or not.

Once I let it be known where I stood, things improved. If I had not done what I did, it would have ate away at me and possibly affected my marriage. I am extremely happy with the decisions I have made.

My oldest is in kindergarten and takes piano and horse lessons. On top of having friends over to play and living out in the country, she does not want to travel to her grandparents house where she feels there is nothing to do. She would rather they come to our house.

Good luck! MIL and SIL are not easy to deal with. Trust me, mine told two of my bridesmaids on my wedding day that that day was the worst day of their lives.

i think that your husband needs to talk to his family and you should have the party at your house. end of story. it's your family and your life.