I'm kinda a neat freak. I dont mind the kids making a mess, or being creative, but at the end of the day, I need the house to get back into order, floors to be at least vacuumed and things to be wiped down. I like my house clean. I make no apologies.
With that said, my in-laws are the exact opposite. They have 10 cats, and a dog. Nobody does any house cleaning and the place is a MESS. The litter boxes are never changed, and the smell that greets you when you walk in their front door will just about knock you over. There are overflowing garbage cans, dishes stacked up all over the kitchen, old food on the stove, pet hair EVERYWHERE, animal feces on the floor, etc. This is not just my neat-freak-self over reacting. The house is really that bad. This is my husbands childhood home, and he wont even go over there. When he does, he comes back covered in fleas.
My SIL lives there with her daughter, who is now 3. I hate that they live there, but my SIL is a wreck herself, and my inlaws help care for my niece.
Here is my problem: they keep inviting my kids over to play. My niece is DYING to have my daughter over there to play. My daughter is the only friend she has. My son is allergic to animals, so there is no way I can send him over there. So, he is in the clear. I've made up all kinds of excuses, the latest one is that I dont want my son to feel left out, so its just better to have play dates over here. My niece loves coming over here, but she keeps asking for us to visit over her house. What do you say to a 3 year old who is begging to have a friend over?
I dont know what to say. I dont want to hurt feelings or make enemies, but I just cannot allow my kids to go over there. NO WAY! My MIL says she tries to clean, but nobody helps her and she just gave up. I've volunteered numerous time to help clean, or to help organize their clutter. But, I get turned down every time. I dont think they see it as a problem.
Any advice?
I've been wanting to call CPS for quite awhile. Everybody would know it was me. My MIL says I'm "too critical." I think she's too medicated. But lets not name call. I really didnt want to cause a huge riff in the family. Other than the TV and the mess, we are my niece's only escape. And maybe even her only exposure to "normalcy." I dont want to lose her.
My husband and I had to drop something off at the house, just happened there was nobody home. I took a walk through, something I havent done in about 5 years. My niece and SIL share a bedroom, while the cat's litter boxes take up a entire other room. The amount of cat feces on the floor was unspeakable. The walls stained with cat urine.
My FIL, who is living in lala land, is the one pressing us to come over and play. Now that he put the idea in my niece's head, she keeps asking me.
I love the idea of saying that the dander who could back with my daughter and irritate my son. I'm going to use that one next time I get cornered. Its absolutely true, he is so allergic.
I'll also say, that other than being filthy, my niece is pretty amazing. She is so smart, and her vocab is amazing. She is kind, and sweet. Given the circumstances, she is doing pretty well.
Thanks ladies, I appreciate your words of wisdom!
** Additional info .... We have tried to help them. We all suspect my MIL has a problem with anti-depressants and alcohol. Since we confronted her, she just hides it better. She says she has stopped, but I dont believe her. I just dont have the proof like I used to.
My niece's basic needs are met. She is fed and clothed. She shares a bedroom with my SIL. She is filthy dirty, and her clothes are always stained. Her hair is never brushed. She thinks washing her hands is just a fun thing she gets to do at Aunties house. I looked at their bathtub once. That was 10 years ago. I still cant get the image out of my head, I havent looked since. So, I cannot speak to that.
We have 3 kids and we live in about 1000 sq feet. The space works for us, but we cannot fit another child here. I think there are laws that say if we took custody, she would need her own bedroom, and we just dont have that amount of space. My SIL sees nothing wrong with the house. Its RENT FREE, the utilities are paid for, TV and internet are free, my MIL stocks the fridge, they pay her car insurance, and all related vehicle expenses, after all her car is registered to them. And FREEEE child care. All day, every day. So, she has to put up with filth, the same filth she has put up with her entire life. In her mind, she is making out like bandit, why would she leave?
My husband has cleaned out entire rooms in their house, gone to Alanon meetings, has had heart-to-heart talks with his parents. And nothing changes. He doesnt know what else to do. His priority is our children and me.
And now, I need my vacuum and a glass of wine. ;)
I would probably find a pay phone somewhere (I think malls still have them) and place an anonymous call to APS, not CPS. say you are a solicitor who made a cold call at their house and were shocked by the smell and mess you could see from the door and the old man that answered seemed out of it. dont even mention a child being there, that way APS will come and they might not think to blame you as APS not CPS showed up. good luck.
I'm a women who takes these things seriously.. so I would probably report the animals to the proper authorities. No, not probably, I would, for sure. That many animals is illegal for one thing... especially if they are living in filth and there are young children present.
I'm not a clean freak mess wise, I have a pile of laundry sitting here and there and a craft project going on a table somewhere, a chair full of clothes I never hang up... or a sink full of dirty dishes for a day or two...., but like you, I wipe down surfaces, put away floor messes and the like and I must straighten living areas and sweep every single day, sometimes twice a day. I have pets as well.. all indoor. I change my litter box every two days (more if it gets gross fast, I only have one small kitten) and we bathe our pets frequently, and even shave our dog to reduce hair shedding.
A dirty house in one thing, a filthy house full of pet dander/hair/feces is something entirely different. Did you know that children can get tapeworm from animal fleas? I would point blank tell them, "We'd love to come, but frankly I worry for my child's safety in all that pet filth. Frankly, I worry for my nieces safety as well. She is welcome at our house, and I would love to help you get things under control, but in this situation it just isn't going to happen"
***added, a dear friend of mine grew up in a house like this. He wishes, even as an adult, that there was an agency that would have checked up on him and made the parents clean up. Calling CPS shouldn't destroy the family, at least not for now. What they will do, is go in, observe the situation and give the family tools and resources and an ultimatum to make them clean. It's for everyone's best interest. Trust me, I HAVE called CPS on a family member, They hated me for about a year. Then they and everyone else thanked me, b/c CPS saved their life and they had to get over their pride and admit they needed the help.
You don't have to call CPS< you can call animal services and that alone will get something started. Waterbury Animal Control ###-###-#### or the Waterbury Police Department Routine ###-###-####... but you have to get the ball rolling somehow, who cares if anyone's feelings get hurt.
Well, you need to tell them that your daughter going over there will bring the pet dander back and raise issues with your son who has allergies. In addition the conditions are not suitable for a child's play date, it's just too cluttered and not clean enough.
this was actually making me gag just reading it and by no means am I a good housekeeper but am not embarrassed by my home if someone stops by. this reminds me of my moms house but she just had the cats peeing on everything, no trash or feces on the floor. well, they would poop on the floor and she would wipe it up...still majorly gross. It got to the point that I didn't want my kids going over there anymore and my kids are her only grandkids! so it started by me "offering" to have all the holidays and bday parties at our house. So we really limited our time there. And even tho my kids are older, I would tell them to not sit on the floor and the 5 second rule does NOT apply at grandmas house! they are old enough to see it for themselves so luckily they "get it".
If I were you I would just be honest with them. It appears that they know you already have an issue with it and I would just say that I prefer the cousin to come play at my house because I dont want the kids around all the animals and leave it at that. They really can't say anything to dispute it because the only way to "resolve" it would be to get rid of all the animals and that likely won't happen.
I did this with my mom. I would say something like, kids, don't sit on the floor, its dirty. And I'd casually mention the "smell" when we walked in. and a couple times when I saw cat hair on something I'd say, yuck, cat hair...as I was picking it off. She actaully started to "get it" and had the carpets cleaned and started keeping up with it better. I'm still not thrilled with it but its not as bad as it was.
So its YOUR job to protect your kids so you need to do what is best with them and I think you should just be honest and stick to it. Good luck!
Could you place an anonymous call as a neighbor to animal control and complain about the smell. If they live within city limits I think it's illegal for them to have that many animals. I definitely would not allow my kids over there, ever and I am not even a neat freak by any means but that just sounds gross. Your husband should be the one to deal with this. You are definately in a tough situation... How does your husband feel about his niece living like this? When your niece comes over is she clean? Bathed and in clean cloths?
You HUSBAND... needs to deal with this and tell them something. Whatever that may be.
HE came home with FLEAS, from their home.
Fleas.... can be inside OR outside the home.
So even if your child is outside, she will be prone to or victim to.... their fleas... and bring them home.
AND I would wonder, about BEDBUGS. Since they are so... filthy. They are not only 'messy' as you say.... but I would call them FILTHY.
Feces all over the place. Fleas. I wouldn't be surprised if they have Bedbugs or HEAD LICE, too.
If they can't even change the litter boxes of their pets (10 cats)... THEN, DO they even... change their own bed sheets and towels????
I would wonder.
I mean, they can't even vacuum. Nor clean up animal feces on the floor.
So THEIR OWN PERSONAL HYGIENE.... would also, to me.... be terrible.
Ugh.
If it were me, and per my kids... I would simply NOT allow them to go there. At all.
Because, I would NOT want my own children, CONTAMINATED with:
Fleas
Bacteria
possible Head Lice, or Bedbugs.
Or, parasites and WORMS, from their pets.
AND do they even take their pets, to the Vet... for VACCINATIONS and de-worming????
I would wonder about that too.
Since they seem.... VERY Unsanitary and Filthy. And can't even take care of their pets. So I would think that they don't even do much else... per hygiene and sanitation and personal cleaning, of themselves, or their bedsheets and towels, and etc.
Their Kitchen... is filthy as well.
Garbage overflowing etc.
Old food on the stove. (possible food poisoning).
Pet hair everywhere.
What a filth pile.
No, they are not 'messy'... they are FILTHY.
I would not let my kids over there.
Your son is also allergic to animals too. SO when your daughter comes home... she WILL have pet fur and Dander on her.... and it will affect your son, too.
TELL your Husband, to deal with it.
Don't make excuses.
THINK of all the ramifications.... of this FILTH at their house (not to mention fleas and whatnot), IF you do let your kids go there.
Your SIL... can join Mommy groups and make friends for her Daughter. So she gets socialized... not only depending on you/your kids for that.
That is a Mommy's... job. To get your own child, socialized and have activities.... on your own, too. Not only relying on a relatives kids.... to do ALL of the socialization of her own, child.
Sorry, but I would no way, let my kids over there.
In my city... MANY people who have OVER abundant pets... and feces and filth like that.... HAVE been, complained about to the Police and the Humane Society... and the pets taken away and given to people who ARE responsible and can take care of them.
Your MIL is in "la-la" land as you said... she cannot take care of all those pets, and does not. NO one in that, house does.
It will do NO GOOD, for you to clean their house for them.
Once clean, THEY WILL NOT KEEP IT UP.
AND it WILL go back to how it was.
YOU NEED TO CALL CPS OR the Animal Cruelty or Humane Society.
AND you are not responsible, for entertaining your SIL or her child.
Your SIL's job... is to parent.
Meaning, that SIL gets out and enrolls her child in toddler programs or Mommy groups and makes friends. Like all Mommies, do.
Protect your kids.
If your Husband came home from there covered in Fleas, your child will, TOO.
AND, your son is ALLERGIC to animals.
Your daughter will come home with pet dander and bacteria, on her.
How can you, feel good about that?
Protect your kids, first.
Not making your home a home for fleas and allergens, which will affect your son.
And who knows what else, bacteria, worms, lice, bedbugs etc.
WOULD you want that in YOUR home???
Because, anyone who goes to their home, WILL be transporting it back, to your home. Guaranteed.
Cat feces all over the place and urine stained walls.
Good grief.
Not to mention the rest of the home.
Sometimes the truth just plain hurts. We have more than our share of animals and some days I wonder how we let things get this far. But we change our cat boxes every 2nd or 3rd day and we scoop them EVERYDAY. We use air purifiers and I use those sticky tapes to keep the furniture from being covered in cat hair. I have wood floors so we sweep many times per day and use a floor cleaner with bleach in it to do the floors often. I vacuum the dust from the places it collects, do all my dishes all the time and keep the counters clean. We use the Mr. Clean erasers on our walls and cupboards and in the shower. It's tough cleaning up after all these kids and animals. But it scares the heck out of me to think anyone would ever have the feelings and thoughts you describe.
TELL them the TRUTH.
I can see how the pet dander on your daughter excuse (affecting your son) might work...BUT if your daughter is bringing pet dander back to your home so is your niece.
That house sounds gross. I would not allow my kids to be there either.
what arey our husband's thoughts on it? if he's on board with you, just keep making excuses - and if it comes down to a confrontation of sorts - HE needs to handle it, it is HIS family. i'm MUCH like you, i have 3 small children, 3 indoor dogs(used to be 5, two passed away), a largish home - and i am the ultimate neat freak! good luck - that's a tough spot to be in :(
Simply.... Tell them the TRUTH.
Is there any way for your SIL and niece to stay with you? Surely if the IL's house is as bad as you say she can't like having her daughter live there?? I'm not saying it's your responsibility, but if you have the space I'm sure she's appreciate it.
Also, isn't the health and safety of your niece worth a little drama? Warn them that if the house isn't cleaned up that you will call cps.
I dunno....but I wouldn't be able to do nothing.
I would tell them the truth and be honest. Untill they clean the place up you will not allow your kids to be over there. Your son is allergic and whatever your DD brings home will affect him, especially since it is so nasty. I don't feel this is your husbands responsibility soley and you can speak for your family also.
When your niece comes over, do you bathe her? I would have lots of outside water activities while it is warm out so she can clean off while she is with you...I feel bad someone so small has to be exposed to an environment such as that.
It's tough when they start to get it. There's not much you can do other than try to gently dissuade her from hosting.
The whole cleaning thing may be more than dirt. It may be depression or hoarding or any number of things in between.
Do SIL and MIL have anything to say about the non-playdates? Do they tell niece something that is counter to your gentle excuses?
Okay, if it were just that it was a dirty house with dirty dishes, etc., I'd say get over it. But animal feces is a downright health hazard!! For everyone's sake, you need to say something. Since the house was not that bad when your husband lived there, I honestly think the messiness of the house may be an indication of a mental issue, like depression! in your MIL. And you need to speak up for your niece's sake too. Stop beating around the bush, and just say that you think the state of the home is a health hazard, and they cannot live like that anymore, and help them (along with your husband) figure out how to create a cleaning regime to keep the house cleaner. Seriously, this can't be ignored anymore. Not to scare you, but your niece and inlaws can be bringing some dangerous germs with them whenever they come to your house!
The truth is the best way IMO. They have to know their house is filthy...just tell them honestly you are NOT comfortable AT ALL with allowing your kids to spend ANY time in all that funk and feces! Yuk!
If the inlaws are aware that you consider their house dirty, and it sounds like you do, I think that you can be honest with SIL that your daughter cannot go there to play because of the filth. Let your niece come to your house to play instead. Her mother needs to explain the situation to her however she wants. Sure the niece will want to know why she is allowed to live in filth, but that's her mother's problem. Clearly the inlaws don';t see it as a problem but you don't need to allow your child there.
I would go over there again (when they are gone) and take pictures from your cell phone... Just in case you need to show them proof why you don't go over there!! Ewww i'm so sorry!!
Okay, if there are really animal feces on the floor, and you are not exaggerating (the rest is yucky, but acceptable), then you need to be blunt.
I think you should say, "I would love to have my daughter come over to play, but I can't with animal feces on the floor." If the situation is really that bad, then they need to be told so something is done about it. The other little girl shouldn't be living in that squalor.
If you are exaggerating JUST a little, and maybe once you saw a little piece of poop that escaped from the litter box, and it is dirty, but that's what immune systems are for, then I think you need to let her go. Immune systems are wonderful things. Your niece and your daughter won't care about the dirt and hair and mess.
Edit: Just read your What Happened. Maybe you should call CPS. The girl shouldn't have to live in that mess. After watching a recent episode of hoarders and listening to how traumatized kids are who have to live in those situations, I think you should either talk to your in-laws or maybe find a way for CPS to take a peek, if it's as bad as you say.
I agree with Stephanie.
Please do everything you can for your niece. I grew up in a situation not too different. I didn't have anyone looking out for me.
As far as calling cps, I wouldn't. What does your husband have to say about this? He is the one who should intervene.
I would just tell the 3 year old that you cannot go over there to play because you/he/she (whatever) are allergic to pets. But that you LOVE having her over to play and she can come over ANYTIME!! Maybe explain to her what allergies are and that it makes it hard to breathe, and you get itchy, and your eyes water, and that it makes it hard to play when you feel that way. That is what I would do. There is no need to tell her the truth. She has no control over her living conditions.
They sound like hoarders. With the animal poop on the floor, I wouldn't let my child go over there. Icky about the flea! It's not safe. I'd just keep saying you can't go over there. Or your hubby could be the one to let his parents know that you guys aren't going over there, that you love them a ton, but that the house is not safe (due to animal poop, not to mention the mess). If you don't want to say anything like that...just keep saying what you are. Have them come over to your house. I absolutely wouldn't go over there.
Is there any place for them to play outside while she is over there?
Oh my, your post sounds just like my moms house, with my sister and her two kids living there rent free and all, wow! I have also tried to help them clean, but no luck. Sorry I dont have any advice, but if my husband seen your post he would think I wrote it!
Tell your husband either two things can happen
1) he can go over there and deal with his parents who are not right in their heads - trying to be politically correct but this is an illness not laziness!!!!
or if he does not love his family enough to make this hard discussion and help his flesh and blood then
2) you will call APS and CPS and pray that the little girl does not end up in foster care
