Men Never Grow Up

amen, sister!
i am a single mother thank goodness! but it seems to me that, well, here's the deal... back in the day, it was a woman's job to stay home, cook, clean, care for children, right? well, now, it's nearly impossible to survive only on one income, so a lot of time women have to work too, and many men would expect that if only to live up to a certain lifestyle and have the funds to do so. so, it is a complete mistery to me why men somehow are STILL under the impression that even if a woman works 40 hours (regardless of what the job actually is - desks jobs are mentally exhausting as well) she is supposed to still cook, do dishes, laundry, clean the house, take care of the children (play time, bath time, talk time, book time, bed time) do erronds and more. sometime in there, a woman NEEDS to find time for sleep, rest, relaxation, an hour for books or her favorite tv show and on top of that a night out with the gals once in a while. why your husband can stay out until 3, but not get up for the baby?... a mistery to me. i don't even know how to get it across to him either. i don't understand the selfishness or lack of understanding, or laziness, or lack of priorities or why a man can not see how much a woman/mother puts out for everyone else except herself - and how really huge a little bit of help really is.
no, i don't have advice, but i have complete empathy for you and i wish you all the luck. please if you find a way, do spread the word :)
for now... i'm happy being a single mama. i have been a single mama since the very day i found out i was pregnant. i did have a boyfriend for a bit and now i know it's fewer dishes, less laundry, a clean house. yes i do it all by myself, but at least i'm not doing it for a grown man on top of me and my daughter. i hope you get him to see the light. best of luck to ya, girl!

Commuication is key....My husband always tells me he is not a mind reader..which is true, but I think that he should know wel enough to offer help. So, we take turns getting up with our 4month old (which understandably didn;t happen until I went back to work). Hopefully pretty soon he will stop waking up at 4 am every day! Just tell him how you feel, and I am sure he will oblige! Good luck.

I completely understand how you feel. My husband always seems to pull the "going out" stuff at the most inopportune times. It sounds like you could talk to your husband until you're blue in the face, but it wouldn't make a difference. One thing I brought up to my husband when we were having similar issues was that my life was full of have to's and his life was full of want to's. He is showing a little more compasion now. Do you ever "get out?" Since you can't change him maybe you can change your environment or lifestyle. I have started doing things outside the home more. I reconnected with a friend from college who also has kids. We get together at least once every two weeks. Usually on Wednesday evenings. Sometimes we just go for a walk. Even if we have the kids with us, it's nice to get out and talk. Plus, it's good for the kids. I know it can be hard to get away and break the dinner/bath routine, but it has made such a huge difference in my life.

One thing that I have learned is that you have to ask for the help when it comes to a man. I don't think that they're always trying to dodge responsibilities, I just think that most of the time they really truly don't know what to do and figure that since we do, that we'll handle it, and if we want them to do something, we'll let them know. I know that when both of mine were really little (they were born 15 months apart), that I was staying at home and literally responsible for everything around the house plus every single thing that came along with two babies. Well, I would find myself getting so mad at my husband when he would just sit during times the kids needed something. After a while though, I realized that I was getting mad at him for no reason. I was getting mad at him for doing "nothing" when he may not have a clue that I was thinking that he's "supposed" to be helping. So, I just sat him down one day and told him that I have been having a lot of anger about it and would really appreciate it if he would take the initiative to help out with the kids. He was totally willing to, and told me that if I ever wanted something, just tell him. When I was telling him what would make me mad, he was a little annoyed because I'd say "you don't get up with the kids" and he said "well, all you have to do is ask. I just figure that you're getting up because you know what they want." Or I'd say "you never make bottles when they are hungry, I'm always the one who has to get up and do stuff like that" and he said "how am I supposed to know when they're hungry, or when they need something if you're not telling me?" I realized that he was right. I think that a lot of us assume that our husbands know what our children need and that they know how to take care of them, therefore they should be able to take over some of the responsibilities, but the reality is that most of them in the first year have no idea what babies want.

So, to get to the point, communicate to him what you'd like. I still have lots of talks with my husband about stuff. The other night I expressed to him needs I have that aren't being fulfilled, like being made to feel important and appreciated. If you keep the lines of communication open, it leads to a much more fulfilling marriage. I would definitely tell him that you don't feel he needs to be staying out that late anymore for sure. Don't let him pull the "you're asleep anyway" because that's a ridiculous excuse that I hear my friends' husbands use way too often. It's not about anything except for having enough respect for your spouse to not lead a life as if you were single. As far as depression goes, give it some time. Concentrate on what your needs are and express them to your husband and see if you get out of this slump. I was in a slump for the first two years of motherhood, but it took that long to adjust to being a mother, and even MORE time to adjust to my husband. :)

I completely understand. My daughters dad is not in the picture. He hasn't been since I was only 3 months pregnant with Evee. He told me he didn't want Evee to look anything like me. She had to look like his identical twin. We had to live up near his parents, and I would have to quit my job and be a sahm. Yet he only worked at Arby's. He said he would show her off, but I would be the one to change, feed, and take care of her. Hey, if I am to do that, I would rather do it alone than deal with a big brat. I understand you love your husband, but he really needs to open his eyes. If it took 2 of you to make her then both of you should help eachother. You can't make a baby by yourself. Well, if you could life would probably be a lot less complicated and stressful. Then we wouldn't even need men. Sounds like heaven, doesn't it? lol. You can write me back if you need someone to talk to. Good luck. And don't be afraid to kick his butt if he doesn't straighten up.

It is sooo hard to be a working mother!! A lot me men, esp. ones who are younger (say under 30) just don't have the life skills nor the maturity to accept their share of parenting. Parenting does not automatically stop once "his shift" is over. Meaning just because he watches her duing the day does not mean it is okay to expect you to tend to her all night long. If he were a single parent who would get up in the night with the baby?? Would he hire someone to cover the "graveyard shift" so that he could sleep? And the going out all night part is just BS!!! Unless he would not have a problem with you doing the same thing and taking over for you with the baby. Parenting doesn't come with a book and it's hard the first year with your first one, but setting ground rules or expectations has to be done, otherwise you are settling for a situation that is never going to be acceptable to you which will only breed more contempt and resentment and you won't like yourself for allowing it to go on. As for the depression, go to your dr. if you were depressed before you know yourself well enough to intuit that you are depressed now also. I know there are tons of meds. out there now. I think that St. Johns Wort is really still the best and closest to natural treatment for mild depression that there is. But I am a firm believer that depression cannot be treated only from the inside out. If your "outer" world experiences, work, family, stress, is causing the depression and nothing changes in those areas all the chemical fixes in the world are never going to help your brain be happy. Don't forget the obvious, Motrin, teething gel, and prayer. Staying on the motrin is important. Don't let it wear off thinking "well she's sleeping now, so I won't wake her" as she will wake up as soon as the pain relief is worked out of her body and she will be in a pain cycle when she wakes you up. Pain is easier to manage when you don't let it back up. I'm not saying overdose, simply stick to the schedule. Every 4-6 hours (whichever it says) Seriously, this will help you sleep. Good luck. Stay strong.

I think you will have numerous women who sympathize with your situation. I don't think men realize how difficult the mom job is and how much we really do with the family planning, money planning, baby management and all the millions of other tasks.

I do think that men are hardwired very differently though and that is what causes spats sometimes. Inability to multi-task being one of those hard-wired traits that we fight over.

My suggestion, honestly....let the baby cry for about 15 minutes or so. Eventually he'll get tired of listening to it and will most likely get up. Just explain that you were so tired you didn't even hear it.

Parenting is a two person job....

I go through the same thing! Our daughter is 7 months old and my fiance` and I do not live together yet. So I look at it as I get up with her every night of the week and the least he could do is take care of her a little while we are at his place (which is every other weekend from Friday n ight til Sunday afternoon). He had the nerve to tell me not long ago that when I go back to college in August he wouldn't mind taking her on my weekends I work so that I can get a little more studying done if I want. I don't have a problem with this but I tested him out last weekend. He's a heavy sleeper so I've always had to nudge him awake so this doesn't help. I always hear her cry so I just lay there and see if he'll get up. Sometimes he doesn't even move! So I wake him up and he may get up and put a binky back in her mouth but then lays right back down which most of the time is all she needs. In the morning he doesn't want to get up. He's not a morning person and our daughter gets up by 7:30am. So this irritates me when he swears he can do this. So during the day I sat there and let him take care of her. He doesn't pay attention to times so he has no idea when she needs to eat or anything. He also let her sit there on the floor when she was crying and did absolutely nothing. She was wet, hungry, and sleepy and he didn't even move! I had to end up and do it all. He says he wants to help me take care of her and it's not that he doesn't know how because his brother and sisters are a lot younger than he is and he helped take care of them when he was little. He can do it if I tell him when and what needs to be done. So I am not exactly excited about leaving our daughter with him for a weekend even though she loves her daddy and he loves her to death. I know he can do it but when I give him the chance to take care of her without my help he doesn't do it. I also suffer from depression so it doesn't help. And no I don't think you are over reacting. You have every right to be upset about it. There are times I feel like I am a single parent because I get no physical help from my fiance`. All my family ever tells me is that when they were raising their kids the men never helped them out at all. Doesn't make you feel any better does it? I may not have any real advice but trust me you aren't alone. I wish I knew how to get it through their heads that we do a lot more even if our jobs are "easier" than theirs (I am a CNA and my fiance` is a construction worker... he thinks his job is harder than mine too). If you need to talk or vent leave me a message. I completely understand!

Your feelings are valid. I don't want to bash your husband, but it is not a matter of being "able", it is a matter of "choosing" not to get up. You are not overreacting. That is hardley fair. He was "able to help produce your child" he should be "able" to help care for her. My boyfriend used to work 2nd shift, 40 hours/week and would still get up with our twins when they were newborns, and help with feedings, spitting up, diapers, etc. Of course now they are older and sleep through the night, but that is proof that a man is capable of helping. Maybe when he nudges you, you should just nudge him back, just lay there and wait for him to get tired of hearing her cry. I was told to only let them cry for 10 min. If you can handle that, I'd give that a try. She'll be OK for 10 min. of course that is very passive aggressive. This could totally be onset of depression. You are sleep deprived and probably feel a huge lack of support, which is what you need most at this time. Whatever you decide to do, you really should sit down and talk with him about it. Not attack, like "you don't" and any "you" statements. The best method to get results out of a discussion is to use "I" statements. "I really need support" "I feel this way", etc. Hope this has helped. A little validation for your feelings, and hopefully some advice.

Dear A.,

So sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time! I feel the same way you do quite a bit. I also think it's depression, however that is not a reason to feel bad about wanting a little help.

My situation is a bit different as I am a stay at home mom of two. I give you mad points for being able to juggle a job, husband, housework, and a baby! If you feel that you need help, address it. The best thing you can do is sit down with your hubby and have a nice talk with him. You must remember to approach the subject in such a way that doesn't sound asif you are blaming him for anything.

For example...instead of saying "You never get up with the baby." Or "You don't help me enough." Try to le him know how you are feeling. Try saying "I feel so tired and exhausted. Maybe we can make some sort of schedule to balance things out around here." or "I know that you work evenings at a fast paced job but I feel like I am losing my mind. Can we try to find a way to make it easier on both of us when it comes to our daughter?"

I find that if I approach my husband in that manner he listens better and will actually help me out. Sometimes I have to revisit the subject because as we all know...it's easy to fall into old habbits.

Not sure if this will help, but I read an article not too long ago about a study done on why women cope better when baby wakes up at night. According to this study, women can fall into REM sleep faster than men allowing us to get a better rest when waken up at night! Isn't that funny? I seriously think it's just the way men are wired. My husband is the same way. Even if he has had a few days off he will still lay there until I get up to see what the kids want. He could sleep through a nuclear war.

About that 3AM thing...He probably just wasn't thinking. I have had my share of arguements. My problem however is that I don't have any friends or family here so I get jelous when he gets to go out until 3AM. If he doesn't do it on a regular basis I say let it slide. Not worth the fight if it only happens here and there.

If you feel like you truly are getting depressed it's more than likely lack of sleep and stress. Who can blame you for feeling this way? Talk to your doctor AND your husband.

Hope things look up for you soon. And don't worry, your daughter will start sleeping better soon!

I am sorry that your husband is not more empathetic. My husband isn't one to ever volunteer BUT I demand one day off waking up even though I am a SAHM. He gets his days to sleep in from work and so should I. Now, because he doesn't want to have to do certain things - he agrees that I should also get a break so we do compromise and get help. He is willing to have someone clean the house and pay as well as someone to help out with the baby. We travel and he always wants to me to have help lined up so we can have our evenings out.
If that's not an option financially for you, then I would still demand that the waking up is split since you DO WORK. I can stay home and nap so I think once a week is fair to get to sleep in. He could also pick up the slack in other areas, I don't know if he does. My DH preps evening bottles and bath and takes her to bed after I feed her.
As someone else mentioned, we are multi-taskers and men will LET you do as much as you TAKE on. A lesson my mom always pushed, "the stronger you pretend to be, the more he'll expect you to take on" and ITS TRUE!! I have a friend who tries to be super mom and her hubby in 11 months has NEVER ever bathed or fed the baby. Probably held him a few times but SHE has a part in it. When I'd act like I could do it, and do it right, my mom would whisper, let him let him or he never will....
We condition them greatly into what they are.
As someone said, let the baby cry until he can't stand it even if you are crinching your teeth, I do it until he gets mad and does it and yells at me and I say.. what??? am I the only parent here??? She has 2 parents so don't complain..
I know its hard, I know it's stressful... been there and with a 10 month old, we're 33 wks and about to start all over...
I tell my DH we have to be strong to make it through this turmoil so we can reap the beautiful benefitst that are to come....

Amy

Tell him you want to go to marrital counseling. You don't feel helped or listened to and feel that talking to a professional would help. It might be enough to kick his butt in gear, if not, and he agrees to go, at least you will have an outlet for your frustration. If he refuses and won't change, start kicking him out of bed! An elbow to the kidneys should do the trick, no, kidding, don't do that. Wake him up fully and tell him it's his turn. Or, go get your daughter and put her in bed with him and go sleep on the couch. Please don't fight in front of her.
Good Luck!