Men Behaving Badly...

There are men in my husband's office like this...one of them is his boss. My husband wants to come home to us. But very often is asked to join the guys at the bar.

He has gone once when he was with his boss at a meeting in the boss' car and they ended up going straight there...he called me and I went to pick him up.

I don't understand it either...if you want to play the field and party stay single...if you want commitment and a family get married. Just don't try and do it all at the same time.

I would not want my husband hanging out with these men and I don't want to spend time with cheaters either. However, my husband is free to hang out with his friends and I don't think that means he loves me any less or doesn't want to hang out with me. Personally, I love to be around my husband but I enjoy time with just the girls. Balance is everything.

I worked in an all man office, except for the secretary. I don't drink or smoke or fool around. They were always trying to get me to do one of those. It was a big joke with them. I just kept saying no.

After a while I learned that their big brag about going and cheating on their wives was all talk and no action. They always tried to get me to drink, but when they needed a designated driver I was always welcomed and when we got out to dinner they would always tell the waiter that I didn't drink. Only occasionally did they mention that I was the designated driver.

If it really gets to your husband and they want to include him in their "romantic" escapades, have him tell them that he must check to see if its ok with you and you will call their wives to make sure its ok with them. AND, that you might even have a chance to join them.

That usually stops the "kidding".

Be loving and kind
You will always be on his mind.

Good luck to you and yours.

Blecch.
Hard to believe there's an entire group of men at the same workplace that does this. Maybe it's just a huge example of Groupthink?
Thank goodness your husband has the spine and morals to see them for what they are. Who knows? Maybe he'll make some sort of an impression on O. or two of them in time!

First and foremost don't think that the wives know their husbands are cheating. They might have a gut feeling but either decide not to follow through on that feeling to find out for sure or they are totally blind and have no idea. So please don't assume the wives know what their husbands are doing because odds are they dont. Cheaters are damn good liars. Also the wives if they know might be doing what they have to do(put up with the cheating) to keep their marriages together. With jobs being so hard to come by those that marry military tend to know that the job security is hard to beat,steady pay,ok health benefits and a roof over their kids heads tends to hold a lot of weight when considering what to do with a cheating spouse.

Generally, I think those are men with wet blanket wives who have lost their interest in trying to be *nice, sexy, interesting, ambitious* (you pick the adjective here).
And rather than getting out of an unhappy situation, because that would require a change to their cushy lifestyle, they just do this kind of stuff because they can get away with it.
My guess is that their wives are either totally oblivious to the situaiton (**my husband would NEVER cheat on me...yeah right), or know and just tolerate it.

In other words, something is broken with these people, and the men just get away with it.

Good for your husband for not giving in to it. (Although, really, he's NEVER gone to the bar with the guys for a couple of drinks? Wow.)

Peer pressure may be leading them to exagerate thier exploits. I dont know very many married men that can still pick up women in bars. They tend to lose thier cool guy mojo when they get married. You know, they get all pudgey and stop trying not to fart in public and stop spening money on clothes and hair gel. Married shlubs dont get laid. My husband doesn't go out without me, but I'm sure he'd like to. When he has, He's a flirt. He has tried to get numbers, but only to see if he still could. He wouldn't know what to do if anybody ever said yes!
Here's another thing. When your man comes home and tells you all the exploits of his co-workers and is like wow, can you believe that....he's living vicariously through them and may be feeling you out. As in, "honey, can you believe these guys are always asking me to stop for a drink after work, crazy, right?" If you say - I know, that's terrible, he knows he can't do it. But if you say, I dont see anything wrong with stopping for a drink now and then, he knows if he waits a week or so, he can call and tell you he'll be a little late cuz he's stopping for a drink. Doesn't mean he wants to get numbers or cheat, but I never met a guy that didn't want a little guy time or to stop for a drink to decomress now and then.

When the weather is nice, my husband goes golfing on Friday afternoons with his work buddies when they can (usually once or twice a month). They go out for a beer after, but they are all happily married dads. We spend time as families and as couples.

If my husband's co-workers were as you described, he would not want to spend time with them. My husband would genuinely prefer to spend time with his family than with a group of people who don't respect the idea of having a family.

BTW- they want your husband to "join the club" so he doesn't "spill the beans". If he's part of the secret, then he's much less likely to rat them out to anyone.

Well, I have been married for 6 yrs to a man who is an alcoholic. We met when we were young and I became pregnant. We got married and have stayed together. It is not easy and I know by now many women would have left. I recently became a Christian and am working on myself, finally! I don't believe I should just leave him bc he has a serious problem. He needs my help! And yes, when he drinks liquor he can turn into a jerk! He has went to bars and stayed out all night. Of course, he denies being with any women. Who knows? I have kids to take of and can't follow him around all the time! I think it's great you have a good marriage and hope it stays that way but my sister was in a marriage that fell apart. Her husband was never the drinking or cheating kind of guy. At all! Well, that changed when he starting working with people who took part in that. It turned her world upside down! My point is you never know so don't put to much faith in one person! I want to make it clear, I do not think this kind of behavior is acceptable!! My husband knows how I feel and he even knows its wrong but as with any addiction, you keep doing things that hurt yourself and others!! I can only pray for him.

If these guys are in the military they probably do want your hubby to join in so he won't tell. I would think that that sort of behavior might fall under conduct unbecoming a military officer and get them in trouble.

My husband is like yours. He loves his family and comes home every day after work and does not go out with friends. He even gets off work a couple of hours earlier than I do, but always picks our little one up, takes her home, helps with homework and waits for me! He has been invited to many things by guy friends, but says he prefers to stay home and be with me! He had the opportunity to see a 49er football game from a luxury box a couple of years ago. I had to really insist that he go and still he was worried that I would be home alone that day. He also hands over his paycheck every pay day and doesn't spend any money that I don't know about. Yep, he's a keeper!

I hear it from my BIL about the men he works with. A good number of them cheat...and all have children. I feel sorry for the wives...because I think it happens more than most wives would imagine. I wouldn't be the stupid one to let my husband start going out with his buddies. I would probably say something like this>>>"if you go out tonight after work...you're gonna have to find somewhere else to sleep". Period.

OK here's the thing: you are totally judging. You are kind of making out to sound like men who ever go out without their wives/girlfriends are cheating scumbags like the guys your husband works with. That's really not the case.

Yes, my husband goes out without me sometimes. I'm ok with this. It's actually really good for couples to spend some time away from each other in social situations. That doesn't mean a relationship is broken or that automatically one is cheating on the other, it really, really doesn't.

With that being said, there are all different types of relationships & I like to think of every single marriage as its own little galaxy with its own set of rules. No two work exactly the same. There are open relationships, there are swingers, there are lazy men who refuse to help around the house, there are women who are so rigid you can't believe they're able to see past their own fingertips, there are men who are cheaters, there are WOMEN who are cheaters, & on & on & on.

My point is this: it's not your job to judge or figure out or even understand why or how these people stay together.

Your husband is doing what he can & what works best for YOU GUYS by not joining them. If it's causing this much stress to you when he's not going out with his co-workers, maybe he should look for another job.

Men going out without their wives?
Hmmm... what is that? LOL
My husband only goes off with "just" men, when he is golfing. Other than that, I am invited to any and everything else. Dinner out? It's a couples thing. Always. Concert? Couples (unless I just hate the band and don't want to go--then I'll try to get him to give the ticket to a guy friend who'll enjoy it). Retirement parties? If I know the person, then we both go or don't--or he'll stop in to make an appearance after he gets off work and then be on his way...

I tend to think of married guys who routinely go "out with the guys" to bars not as men, but as guys---who didn't grow up.

I think our husbands are brothers, mine is exactly like yours. He has never been to a strip club, has no desire to, does not go out with his friends to happy hour, has no desire to...and spends all his time on the weekends with us. If I'm not invited to a party or somewhere that he is, then he won't go. And not because I won't "let" him, he honestly doesn't care to go because he always tells me that me and the kids are his "priority" and his actions prove that to me every day. Oh, and when he is at home, he isn't in another room watching TV, playing a game station or on the computer, he is actively with me and the kids. So I too just don't get these "men" you are talking about and I know there are TONS of them out there. I haven't read your posts yet but I'm going to because Im curious on what other women will say because I just don't get it either.

I respectfully disagree with the poster who said these men are this way because of wet blanket wives, who have failed to keep the interest of their husbands. Being unhappy in a marriage does not cause a man to have a total moral and ethical breakdown.

That's not to say that men don't cheat because they are unhappy. I'm sure they do for that very reason. But we aren't talking about men who are seeking a relationship outside of their marriage our of lonliness and neglect, instead we are talking about men that go out on a very frequent basis and hook up with multiple women. Men in an unhappy marriage don't say, "I am unhappy and therefore I will become a manwhore."

It is outrageously disrespectful to women, not just the one they are married to, although the greatest affront is to her, but to all the women involved and it speaks to the idea that women are worth only the pleasure they can give you. That doesn't come from an unhappy marriage. That comes from a true lack and appreciation of women as a whole and from no conviction that their word is a stable nontransient thing. Your promises should mean something, even if you aren't getting everything you want and if you get to a place where you can't keep them anymore then get out of the relationship and free the woman you once claimed to love to seek those promises from someone who will keep them and someone who won't potentially (probably) end up giving them the clap.

If this is really true about what all these guys are doing, if it's not just a few and the others aren't empty boasters, then this office, or even the company, is not very professional.

My husband, many years ago, worked for a finance company that has long since been bought and taken apart. It doesn't exist anymore. The guys were constantly going to strip clubs, and everytime there was a convention that they were supposed to go to, they spent every night going to it.

I went with my husband to one of the conventions, and the behavior of some of the sales reps was appalling. I was mortified that my husband worked for a company whose people acted like that. ONE sales guy was older and didn't do that stuff. They made FUN of him and talked ugly about him behind his back. He pulled in good numbers, and they wondered how he did that without trying to take customers to strip bars. Seems that they thought the way to get business was through booze and tits.

Things got worse from there. One of the analysts was allowed to resign because he kept asking women on the phone who worked for their vendors what they wore to bed. This guy was married to a sweet gal who was overweight. He made FUN of her in front of other people, and at the boss's house, he brought out pornographic magazines.

My husband was so disgusted with these people. The higher ups didn't say much (except about the guy trying to do phone sex with the vendors' people). But when it came down to who got promoted and given "the brass ring", the bosses who allowed this stuff to go on were passed over and eventually pushed aside in the lackluster parts of the business that were spun off, and eventually discarded.

The person who COULD have stopped it all in its tracks was shocked that he was passed over. He couldn't understand that after letting all these guys "have their fun", that he wasn't rewarded. And these guys never understood that they were not successful in their business because no one respected them.

M., your husband is in a bad position. He needs to try to get into a different office or a different business. Your question is about the morality of it. But an equally important question is how your husband's career is going to be affected by it. I believe that they will hurt his career because he isn't "playing their game." But by being associated with these men, he may be painted with the same brush by corporate, and passed over. I am sure that is what would have happened to my husband if he had not moved to another company. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. In his current workplace, this stuff is not allowed. If the company finds out that this stuff goes on, they quietly usher the person out the door. The rules are very clear on the subject, too.

Good luck,
Dawn

My husband is one of "those" guys. He goes out nearly every night and doesn't come home until 2-3am. We never spend time together. Our kid always asks where he is. I don't even know him anymore. He tells me the stories of the guys he works with that all cheat constantly on their wives. It's like half of his office co-workers are alcoholic a$$holes. He's fallen into it, and our marriage and his kid are paying the price. He's sworn up and down that he's never cheated... but I finally caught him. He cheated at a "conference" in Vegas. We're separating as of Tuesday.

My husband is awesome, we spend most of our time together. He goes out with his friends maybe twice a year and they don't go out to pick up women. They usually play video games together or go to a beer festival. I trust my husband 100% but I definitely would have a hard time with that if he were out every night. He also asks me before planning anything with friends and sometimes he suggests that I get a sitter and go do something with my friends the same night.

Unfortunately some workplaces are just like this, it's the luck of the draw.
My husband used to work at a place like that before we met and he told me a couple of stories about it. He thought it was odd that married men were going out every Friday night after work without fail.
At his current workplace, the guys get together like twice a year for a hockey game and are home by 9.
I'm lucky, I married a homebody who hates going out. :)
Back before we had kids I had to twist his arm just to get him to meet up for happy hour with our friends.

Definitely not my man........i wouldn't tolerate such behavior. My poor husband works like a dog and never gets time with the boys, but when he does its in our backyard around the barbecue with some micro brews.

I can only assume the men in your scenario are lying or have wives who either don't care (because they do it too) or are in denial.

When my hubby was not working from home there were times he would go out with his co-workers. Mostly to dinner to say goodbye to someone that was leaving the company or that their department did really well. He has always told me in advance and there were a few times that he had invited me to go. At no time has he ever mentioned doing these types of things or that his co-workers have done them. I don’t think it is OK for anyone to behave that way. They must be lying or extremely unhappy at home.

Does your husband work in the oil and gas field? My friend's husband works 30 days on, 2 weeks off. They do not allow him to go home in between. There are hookers near the worksite. He gets called Gay all the time because he won't cheat and he calls his wife and kids every day. I don't know why the men can't leave him out of it. I think it is like when I was not drinking or having sex in college. My bff's husband told me it made him feel bad that I was not doing these things. He admitted I never judged him and I was not preachy.